One of the benefits of living here in China so far away from my extended family in the United States is that I have an excuse for being a terrible uncle.
Although I suspect my family is beginning to realize even if I lived next door to my nieces and nephews I’d still be a terrible uncle.
It’s hard enough to remember all the details of my own children’s lives, like their friends, interests and whether they’re old enough to smoke. And every bit of relationship information I have to remember about my nieces and nephews kicks out a bit of info I was storing about my kids, like where I left them last.
I do make an effort to express a minimum level of interest. When I hear something important happened in a niece or nephew’s life, I like to send a card containing two different inserts and their parents have the option of selecting the insert most suitable for the occasion:
Hey, buddy!
Congratulations on that achievement you recently accomplished, pal! If I know you, I’m sure you’re very pleased with the level of accomplishment you achieved in this general area and I know you will continue to be successful in the future, unless by the time you receive this letter you’ve already quit.
All the best, old sport!
Uncle Paul
Hi, old chum!
I’m sorry to hear about the disappointing news you received sometime in the last 1 to 6 months, amigo. I’m sure you’ll probably grow from your experience in this area, which will only serve to strengthen your values–whatever those may be.
You’re in our thoughts, comrade.
Uncle Paul
Yesterday my sister posted a recent picture of her children on Facebook. I decided this would be a good time to fulfill my yearly minimum of interest. I made the following comment under the picture:
Me: It’s great to see how good-looking your kids grew up to be considering what ugly children they were.
(My niece responded immediately.)
Niece: That’s harsh uncle Paul.
(I didn’t know any of my nieces and nephews would be online since I assumed toddlers wouldn’t be allowed to use a computer, but apparently they haven’t been toddlers in a decade.)
Me: I’m just repeating what your parents told me. I’m glad everything turned out in the end.
Niece: I was born a princess! And u know it!
Me: Don’t take it so badly. You were by far the least ugly of your siblings. You were always my favorite and I feel validated that you’ve grown up to be so non-ugly.
Nephew: Always her favorite, huh?
Me: Let me know when your sister is offline and I’ll tell you who my real favorite is.
Me: It might help me in choosing a favorite if I knew which one of you had more money.
Niece: Stop trying to bribe us for your affection!
Me: I never promised the favorite niece/nephew any affection. As your uncle, I won’t remember the day of your birth but I will remember the month. I’ll remember you recently made a sports team but I won’t know which sport. If I manage to send you a card at graduation, I might misspell your name and the cash enclosed might be in a currency you don’t recognize. But I can promise the favorite will be the first one I rescue in case of a fire.
Keeping in touch wasn’t near as difficult as I anticipated. I might even have enough energy to do it twice next year.
The Good Greatsby 
georgettesullins
November 30, 2012
OMG your cards sound like some of the wp spam I get.
The Good Greatsby
December 1, 2012
And I’m sure those wp spammers were just as sincere as I was.
Lunar Euphoria
December 12, 2012
haha! I was about to comment the very same thing.
mistyslaws
November 30, 2012
At least you have Facebook to keep in touch. I find it makes me about 12% more able to seem interested in the lives of my friends and family. Did you know they have this handy device that actually TELLS you when it’s someone’s birthday, so you can be all attentive and supportive with a “Happy Birthday, X” message each year? You should look into that. I think it will up your Uncle Appreciation status by at least a couple points.
The Good Greatsby
December 1, 2012
For all my complaints about Facebook it’s definitely saved me a few times with the birthday reminders.
Spectra
November 30, 2012
It’s best to train them young to abandon all hope and expectations of ever receiving any inheritance from that mysterious distant uncle who suddenly dies in a random boogie board accident and leaves them a fortune. This is simply sound Uncle behavior.
The Byronic Man
November 30, 2012
You’ve got the “buddy” nicknames down, and, really, that’s half the battle. GI Joe would say “knowing” is the other half, but they’re all terrible uncles.
The Good Greatsby
December 1, 2012
GI Joe deserves a free pass on remembering birthdays since they’re so busy fighting for freedom wherever there’s trouble.
susielindau
November 30, 2012
It is great to see that you keep in touch and are fulfilling your role with such panache. 🙂
Curmudgeon-at-Large
November 30, 2012
I use a form letter myself:
Dear [name of relative]: Congratulations on your [blank] birthday. You sure look good since I saw you at [name of occasion].
Of course, I keep forgetting to fill in the blanks.
The Good Greatsby
December 1, 2012
Sometimes even the bare minimum effort starts to seem like too much work.
Curmudgeon-at-Large
December 1, 2012
That’s so true, [insert reply name here].
zannyro
November 30, 2012
The level of closeness in your relationships is beyond touching……..But if you really want to take this “Mediocre Uncle” business to a whole new level…well…..I think there’s an app for that.
The Good Greatsby
December 1, 2012
I’m searching the iTunes store right now.
Vanessa Chapman
December 1, 2012
They’re damn lucky you even care enough to write a blog post about your mediocre interest in them I say!
The Good Greatsby
December 1, 2012
I like your perspective. I might need you to back me up when my sister sees things differently.
Jackie Cangro
December 1, 2012
You sound like a superb uncle. I applaud you for remembering the month of their birthdays.
I’m trying to remember the season…
The Good Greatsby
December 1, 2012
I think there’s a total quantity of nieces and nephews when it becomes acceptable to only remember the season. “Congratulations on your upcoming birthday this winter!”
Michelle Gillies
December 1, 2012
I hope you only have one sibling. Once you more than 10 it is really hard to figure who’s kid is who’s, never mind their birthdays. Once the nieces and nephews started having kids of their own I just started referring to them as “the girl” or “the boy”. Not every family member approved of that.
Kim
December 1, 2012
Just wait until the nieces and nephews start having kids of their own… It never ends…
The Good Greatsby
December 1, 2012
I never considered the possibility they’d have kids of their own some day. Does that mean I’m expected to remember the names of their children and spouses?
dadssister
December 1, 2012
Dear Favorite Nephew. I didn’t even know you were on facebook! But I have no children left at home but lots of grandchildren and greatgrandchildren. I myself have accomplished much the past few years since our last meeting. I can bore you with all of that. It will make an old lady feel wonderful to brag about herself. Love, Your Favorite Aunt
dianasschwenk
December 1, 2012
haha, I’m sure they’re entertained by your cards and facebook comments. 🙂
benzeknees
December 1, 2012
I learn a lot about my nephews by following them on Facebook since I am 15 hours away.
Curly Carly
December 1, 2012
Giving your nieces and nephews attention would only create confusion and heartache for your sons anyway.
Elyse
December 1, 2012
Funny, I use the same tactic on my son. Dear son, Happy ___ Birthday. Do you have a job yet? Sincerely, your mother. Somehow he never remembers my birthday.
draconianstylist
December 1, 2012
Ha! My siblings (I do have a few, I think) and I agreed not to have kids. No nieces, no nephews and no need to talk to them, that being the non-existent children or each other. Life is good!
waraichruab
December 1, 2012
After reading your blog for a while now,all I can say is another Art Buchwald is born.
Lorna's Voice
December 1, 2012
I like you approach to family–move as far away as possible and apologize a lot. It works for me!
T E Stazyk
December 2, 2012
Clearly they have forgotten the lessons from your Thankstaking post last year!
HoaiPhai
December 2, 2012
Why do people believe that there are no ugly princesses? Us commoners could be as attractive as monarchs if we had access to The Royal Plastic Surgeon, too.
kathrinjapan
December 2, 2012
You should talk with Microsoft about developing some more letter templates so everyone can benefit.
She's a Maineiac
December 2, 2012
Well, if there’s anything I try to strive for in all areas of my life, it’s mediocrity. I think maybe Auntie Darla needs to move to China.
clemarchives
December 2, 2012
This is why it’s good to live in a family that doesn’t like to reproduce. Or see each other. So much simpler to feign interest.
Barb
December 3, 2012
I love your humor. My brother once told me to learn to play a portable instrument (banjo or guitar) because when overseas, it’s important to be able to play a tune that will remind others of home when they’re far from it. (So send your niece and nephew a harmonica…you know they’ll love it.)
itsnotjustmeright
December 3, 2012
Mediocre Uncle is better than the Pervy Uncle who licks his lips before the old greeting kiss…… scars from childhood…….
spilledinkguy
December 3, 2012
Send Vin Diesel movies for Christmas.
I’m sure all will be forgiven.
Lakin Konieczny
December 4, 2012
Don’t feel bad, I’m a mediocre aunt. I can only be counted on to show for holidays and the occasional birthdays, which I would forget if my nieces hadn’t been born exactly one year and one day apart. And in that case, I’d have to pick a favorite in order to figure out whose birthday party to go to. I’m just glad I don’t have kids of my own.
It’d be terrible to get out of bed in the morning and say, “Matt, get ready for school.”
To which my offspring would reply, “Uh, Mom, my name’s James.”
“Don’t be a smart ass. Matt-er, uh, James, get ready for school.”
I love your any occasion letters, by the way. Great post.
Ahmnodt Heare
December 5, 2012
I thought all uncles were like that. My uncles were all like you.
Dana
December 10, 2012
I’m surprised my niece even knows my name. Every time I see her (once, MAAAAYBE twice a year), I have to reintroduce myself and my sister patiently explains to her how we’re related. Then my niece milks my feelings of guilt and shame for all they’re worth, meaning I have to devote 800% of my energy to her non-stop for about 96 hours. Once I’m fully spent from playing hide and seek/building forts/brushing hair and am curled into a ball, whimpering in a corner, it’s time to head back home so she can forget who I am once more. It’s a cruel world.