The American presidential race is in full swing and I know both campaigns are looking to The Good Greatsby to offer an endorsement and possibly change the momentum of the race. Because both campaigns are laboring to avoid talk of any actual issues so they can avoid being labelled as ‘standing for something’, I’m having a hard time deciding whom to endorse. I won’t be able to make a decision until the two candidates respond to a list of questions relating to the issues most important to me:
If all of your coolest friends were attacking Russia, would you order an attack on Russia–just to fit in?
What is a Higgs boson? Can you explain the scientific principles behind the Higgs boson in a way simple enough for me to understand how to explain it in a complicated way that people won’t understand?
If the White House were on fire and you only had time to save your wife or the Constitution or Emmanuel Lewis–adorable child star of television’s Webster, which one would you choose?
Why was the White House on fire? Is there something you were trying to hide?
If you could have lunch with any superhero–alive or dead–who would you choose?
Vin Diesel: Yes or no?
Is a constitutional amendment preventing Vin Diesel from ruining any more movies an over-extension of federal power or an appropriate means of protecting the public interest?
If a constitutional amendment banning Vin Diesel is approved, can I be present when you give him the news?
If you could have one superhero power, either the power to fly or the power to always pick the ripest produce, which would you choose?
Which of the Twilight books was your favorite?
Also, why were you reading the Twilight books?
Should Robert Pattinson give Kristen Stewart a second chance after she was caught cheating?
If you answered either yes or no, doesn’t the President of the United States have more pressing concerns on his mind than whether Robert Pattinson should give Kristen Stewart another chance?
The Good Greatsby 
mimijk
August 15, 2012
I would appreciate it if you could include Ahnold, Dolph Lundgren and Chuck Norris on the list of yes or no B-level actors who need to be constitutionally banned from making any more films.
The Good Greatsby
August 16, 2012
And now I understand the slippery slope of banning one B-level actor.
Breaking Chase
August 16, 2012
Actually, Arnold has turned his “expertise” in another direction, and Dolph Lundgren seems to have fallen off the face of the planet, but good ol’ Chuck really needs to be reinvented. After all of his days on the silverscreen, pulling brass performances never gets old. Does he have his own clothing line yet?
mimijk
August 16, 2012
I hear one of those ridiculous Chuck Norris quotes coming on “Chuck Norris doesn’t need a clothing line. He just looks at this pants and says ‘on’.”
Thomas Stazyk
August 15, 2012
1. Will Justin Bieber or Lady Gaga perform at your Inaugural Ball. And why?
2. Will you receive heads of state while wearing a smoking jacket?
The Good Greatsby
August 16, 2012
No on Bieber, yes on Gaga, yes on the smoking jacket.
Breaking Chase
August 16, 2012
Here, here, Kathryn! I second the motion! All in favor?
lazylauramaisey
August 15, 2012
Any responses yet? It’s important that we, the people, hear from them on these matters before we make the important decision about who should run the country.
The Good Greatsby
August 16, 2012
I keep checking my email every hour and listening for the doorbell but I’m not sure what method of communication they’ll use to contact me.
lazylauramaisey
August 16, 2012
O of course. It won’t be the straight forward text or email, I imagine. It might be something like a secret signal while doing an interview on TV or something. Keep an eye out.
becomingcliche
August 16, 2012
Ed McMahon will deliver the news to you. He’s not dead, right? If he is that would change the whole tone of the election by making it actually interesting. I hope he visits soon. This election needs you.
Hippie Cahier
August 15, 2012
I’m surprised at the lack of suggestion for a Zooey Deschanel cabinet-level appointment.
The Good Greatsby
August 16, 2012
I couldn’t be responsible for tearing her away from making more episodes of New Girl.
Hippie Cahier
August 16, 2012
You are a great American.
Michelle Gillies
August 15, 2012
All valid questions that should be answered immediately.
The Good Greatsby
August 17, 2012
All the other issues pale in comparison until we get these questions answered.
bearmancartoons
August 15, 2012
You gotta save webster…but you have to first build a time machine and save the young cute adorable one…not the old one.
likeablegirl
August 15, 2012
It’s a trick question. A 41-yr old man-child would be safe at home in his mother’s basement, and thus have no need of saving. The Constitution, not stored at the White House, thus in no danger of fire. The real question: Does your wife have a better divorce attorney than you?
The Good Greatsby
August 16, 2012
I saw a recent interview with the old Webster and he’s still adorable enough to save.
Ahmnodt Heare
August 15, 2012
As a presidential candidate, I would like to answer your questions:
If all of your coolest friends were attacking Russia, would you order an attack on Russia–just to fit in? – I would not order an attack on Russia because that would only drive up the price of vodka and caviar. Besides, they have somehow managed to incorporate the number “3” into their alphabet.
If the White House were on fire and you only had time to save your wife or the Constitution or Emmanuel Lewis–adorable child star of television’s Webster, which one would you choose? – I would save Emmanuel Lewis. He is an American icon. I’m not married, but if I was, chances are that my wife would be about as old as I am and no longer a hottie.
If you could have lunch with any superhero–alive or dead–who would you choose? – Wonder Woman. Hopefully she can take me on a trip on her invisible plane afterwards and tie me up with her magic lasso.
If a constitutional amendment banning Vin Diesel is approved, can I be present when you give him the news? You cam most certainly be present. I may not survive giving him the news, but I will have the Secret Service. He wouldn’t survive either.
Which of the Twilight books was your favorite? – The Twilight Zone. I don’t know if it was a book, but I know it was a movie. Most movies came from books, so I will look for the book on Amazon.com and download it.
Should Robert Pattinson give Kristen Stewart a second chance after she was caught cheating? – I do not know who they are, but I have a feeling I should be concerned for your mental being if you know.
The Good Greatsby
August 16, 2012
If the other candidates don’t respond, you’ll receive strong consideration for my endorsement.
Tor Constantino, MBA (@torcon)
August 15, 2012
I didn’t realize the Constitution (or Emmanuel Lewis for that matter) was stored at the White House – you are an unending fount of information G2, thanks!
The Good Greatsby
August 17, 2012
Isn’t the President required to carry the Constitution around in his pocket?
Laura
August 15, 2012
I’m just glad you don’t have to ask whether they can see Russia from their front porch.
The Good Greatsby
August 16, 2012
It’s surprising how the ability to see Russia from your front porch hasn’t been such a crucial issue this year.
susielindau
August 15, 2012
These are all such intuitive and thoughtful questions. Have you thought of throwing your name into the hat for Press Secretary?
The Good Greatsby
August 16, 2012
I do like to throw my name around.
Bridgesburning Chris King
August 16, 2012
If they are smart they will simply deposit a sinful amount of moola in your bank account!
The Good Greatsby
August 16, 2012
Agreed. But I’m not sure how smart they are.
MJ
August 16, 2012
Emmanuel Lewis was a footstool the last I heard. What better place than at the White House? (Of course it’s been years since I’ve heard about him, which is great. Gary Coleman? Not so good.)
Like you, I cannot decide on which I’d rather amputate, a leg or an arm. They are both quite vital and neither one would be particularly satisfying to lose. Let’s see, someone who ignores “the people’s issues” until re-election time, or someone who just goes with the flow of religion, money, or any other direction the water flows at the time. Perhaps a waterfall is coming and our choice will at least be made easier. One thing is for sure, the Mormons view an LDS presidential election as the end of days. The end of the world is to occur while he is in office. Will this affect your vote?
The Good Greatsby
August 16, 2012
I didn’t know the end of the world was an issue. I’d prefer the world didn’t end so that knowledge could really sway my vote.
Kathryn McCullough
August 16, 2012
I’m with Susie!
HoaiPhai
August 16, 2012
As a non-American I most humbly put to you that the problem with US politics is not how the candidates stand on the issues, but the electoral process itself. Our Canadian system is much more democratic and to the point. Here’s an outline of how our system could work for you…
1. Appoint an Official Electoral Issue Determiner Guy (or Gal).
2. Have him check out of the Smithsonian Abe Lincoln’s and George Washington’s hats.
3. Poll the American People on their opinions on the top 50 issues plus who their favourite game show host is.
4. Have the Official Electoral Issue Derterminer Guy (or Gal) write down the top two responses and put them into 50 envelopes, each containing the top two responses on a single issue.
5. Have the governors of every state attend the Bestowing of Policy Ceremony and as an issue is read off, the two official policies of a single issue as determined by the poll are placed one in each hat without letting what policy is in which hat. This is the Secret Ballot theory applied to policy distribution.
6. Have a governor ask from which hat the first Presidential Candidate (as determined by a coin toss) would like to draw his stance on that particular issue. He crosses his fingers (we Canadians call this “The Opting Out Clause” and the tacit approval of all 50 states by way of the governors’ participation will save a lot of the federal court’s time and money a few years down the road) and selects the hat from which he’d like to derive his stance.
6. America’s Favourite Game Show Host signals a trained bald eagle to fetch the policy from the appropriate hat and deliver it to the candidate who chose it. The eagle then delivers the remaining policy to the other candidate. The American People should ensure that the candidates don’t lose their 50 platform tickets by providing a lovely leatherette folder embossed with this election year’s official mascot.
7. Repeat until there are no more issues left and both candidates have their full election platform.
It works a little differently up here in Canada… we use a Mountie’s Stetson and the current Canadiens’ goalie’s hockey helmet and have a beaver deliver policy. And because we only have ten provinces and three territories, we can get the whole thing done in two hours including commercials. By the way, the difference between a province and a territory is that during the Campaign Policy Selection Show, the territories’ premiers’ names are not permitted to be flashed on the screen. Mentioning their names orally is at the discretion of the MC. We also use a beaver instead of an eagle and when it’s unseasonably warm we have to sprinkle a little sawdust into the hats to motivate the lethargic little guy.
Hope this helps!
The Good Greatsby
August 16, 2012
You’ve convinced me not to make my endorsement until I’ve seen both men in a Mountie’s Stetson.
HoaiPhai
August 16, 2012
The Mountie Stetson should never be worn without those puffy-hipped riding pants so I’d insist on their being worn so you get the full effect. Those puffy pants tend to turn off the opposite sex resulting in the complete absence of sex scandals involving our prime ministers.
Elyse
August 16, 2012
With the incumbent, you get both for this question
If you could have one superhero power, either the power to fly or the power to always pick the ripest produce, which would you choose?
Barack can fly, and Michelle can pick produce. The perfect political couple. I am all for keeping them.
aspiringcatlady
August 16, 2012
I think distaste for Vin Diesel is the single most important trait in my future president. Anyone who could make a Constitutional amendment banning him from making movies would have my vote, regardless of their other political views. Thanks for helping me realize this very important fact!
HoaiPhai
August 16, 2012
Have you considered nominating Vin Diesel? His being president might make him too busy to work in movies and he just might be the one who will raise America’s highways’ speed limits to a sane and rational 180 mph.
The Good Greatsby
August 16, 2012
I wish I had a quantitative way to measure the lives saved by banning Vin Diesel from the screen versus the lives cost by allowing a speed limit of 180 mph.
aspiringcatlady
August 17, 2012
You just blew my mind. I think I’ll get started on a grass roots campaign for a write-in vote right now!
spilledinkguy
August 16, 2012
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.
Including… you know… our sincere appreciation of Vin Diesel.
She's a Maineiac
August 17, 2012
All great questions that need to be answered. I’m dying to know about the Webster one.
But, sheesh! What have you got against Vin Diesel? The poor guy is just trying to make a living after all.
(ok, I ALMOST got through typing that out with a straight face)
And you seem very broken up about this K-Stew/R-Pattz scandal. I’m worried about you.
Will your love for Twilight be forever tarnished now?
mistyslaws
August 18, 2012
Yeah, yeah, Vin Diesel, sure.
But what is your stance on the truly vital issue of Steven Seagal never appearing on a movie/TV screen again and outlawing his ability to own weaponry. Yay or Nay?
MJ
August 18, 2012
Oh Misty, Steven Seagal doesn’t need a weapon, his hands are registered. Unfortunately to be a successful actor, registered hands are not the criteria. What color are his eyes, anyway? They’re so squinted, I can never tell!