Justin Bieber has been accused of roughing up a photographer who tried to take pictures of him at a shopping center. Apparently the photographer was minding his own business when the hulking 5’1″, 80-pound Bieber snapped and brutally manhandled him. Miraculously, the photographer survived the incident and was taken to a local hospital where doctors treated him for a severe case of pansy-itis.
What has our society come to when people are willing to pretend Justin Bieber beat them up in order to make a quick buck? No amount of money won in a lawsuit will overcome the indignity of admitting to being bullied by the Bieb. What can you buy with money won from a Bieber lawsuit that will fill the void left by the loss of your manhood?
I assume any man willing to stoop to such levels needs the money in hopes of impressing a girl. If only he knew that in the hierarchy of using money to impress girls, not all wealth is created equal. Scientists say women’s wealth attraction corresponds to the following hierarchy:
1. Earning it.
2. Inheriting it.
3. Stealing it.
4. Winning it in a lawsuit after being beaten up by Sean Penn.
64. Winning it in a lawsuit after being beaten up by Justin Bieber.
I remember when I was a kid and Sean Penn beat up a photographer who had been following him and Madonna around. There was a certain pride in having your camera smashed by Sean Penn, one of our finest actors. I imagine paparazzi spend a lot of time hiding behind bushes and passing the time telling war stories about all the celebrities who’ve thrown a drink at them or tried to stab them with keys, and I’m sure some celebs win more oohs and ahhs than others.
Cool celebs to have beaten you up:
1. Tom Hanks, Regis Philbin, Bob Barker, Jimmy Stewart, Mr. Belvedere
Not cool:
1. Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, any members of the Brady Bunch, Webster
The news reports say the police want to bring Bieber in for questioning. I assume the questions will take place in the following order:
1. Will you sign this for my daughter?
2. Will you sign this for my wife?
3. Will you sign this and make it out to my friend ‘Steve’–and I know you’re thinking, ‘But your name’s Steve’ but I swear it’s for a friend of mine who’s named like I’m named.
4. So this guy says you beat him up? Um…did he accidentally trip and fall on your fist?
5. But seriously, did he accidentally trip and fall on your fist?
The Good Greatsby 
mimijk
May 30, 2012
Just promise that no adult cop would say, “May I just tell you how much I love your work”…asking for tickets, sure…
The Good Greatsby
May 31, 2012
I have to assume cops say, “I’m a big fan of your work” regardless of which celebrity they’re interrogating.
Tor Constantino, MBA (@torcon)
May 30, 2012
I think I read somewhere that it’s also not cool to get beaten up by astro-physicist Stephen Hawking; the Olsen twins (solo or tandem): or any of the claymation figures from a Rankin-Bass holiday special.
However, the jury seems to be out as to whether or not it’s cool to get throttled by Zooey Deschanel – unless she’s wearing a smoking jacket….
She's a Maineiac
May 31, 2012
I would think that getting an ass-whooping by the Olsen twins in tandem would not only be uncool, but psychologically damaging beyond repair. I know I’d have nightmares for years.
Michael
May 31, 2012
so, now I’m wondering….in a fight between Justin Bieber and the Olsen twins, who would win? Would their separate non-coolnesses cancel each other out?
Tor Constantino, MBA (@torcon)
June 1, 2012
Indeed – especially since they both appear rather sickly and seem to suffer from avian-bird-bone syndrome…
nancyfrancis
May 30, 2012
I think you’re missing the part when the put the Biebs in a Lineup and the other suspects asked for copies of the photos.
Kim
May 30, 2012
I think Selena Gomez actually beat the photographer up… this is all just a cover story!
prttynpnk
May 30, 2012
That must have been cool when Usher came to the police station to bail him out….
List of X
May 30, 2012
“We can do it the hard way, or the easy way. So you better start singing, Bieber”
1pointperspective
May 30, 2012
My opus on the same story is only half finished. Even the working title, “Justin – He’s a Bar-Bieber-an!” isn’t ready yet, and along comes Greatsby knocking it out of the park. I’ve either got to improve my typing speed, find more obscure headlines to work off of, or better yet, find some 120 pound singing sensation to smack me around so I can take off my neck brace and retire.
Howlin' Mad Heather
May 31, 2012
If you get your butt kicked by Justin Bieber, you have some ‘splainin to do. Seriously.
pegoleg
May 31, 2012
The Biebster HAs been working out with Mike Tyson – for realz. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCww-5-Pywc Maybe this counts as a match leading up to a title bout??
She's a Maineiac
May 31, 2012
Oh, so that explains everything. One boxing training session with ear-chomping Tyson and he went all loco on the photog’s ass.
pegoleg
May 31, 2012
Biebs will graduate to ear-chomping soon.
Spectra
May 31, 2012
I want the Biebs to eat my ear.
Jen
May 31, 2012
Oh, JBiebz, my all-time favorite Greatsby topic. Well, second to Fonz and OP. And I don’t even have kids! I mean, I enjoy these posts because my “friends’ kids” are fans of the Bieb.
Ian Webster
May 31, 2012
What’s wrong with being beaten up by a Webster? Or am I just being sensitive here?
The Good Greatsby
May 31, 2012
A beatdown by some Websters would be more embarrassing than others.
idiotprufs
May 31, 2012
Justin Bieber will be the next big thing in MMA, count on it.
She's a Maineiac
May 31, 2012
If only I could be so lucky to have Mr. Belvedere try to kick my ass.
She's a Maineiac
May 31, 2012
…you know…after some thought I think what you’re forgetting here is Justin probably has some serious fingernails and might have done some severe damage when he came at him flailing his arms in a windmill fashion. Combined with his high-pitched squealing, it was probably more than enough to make the photographer crumple to the ground begging for mercy.
Dana
May 31, 2012
Hahaha– the mental image of a perfectly-manicured Biebs swinging the arms windmill-style is too much to handle! Even your description has me begging for mercy. 🙂
NextInLine
May 31, 2012
I’d sooner have my husband admit to a man crush on Luke Perry than get taken to the mat by the Biebs. Sounds like it’s time to revoke the photographer’s man card.
Tori Nelson
May 31, 2012
Would be interested to know what it means to be roughed up by the Bieb. I suspect he uses his swoopy bangs as a weapon and his slaps probably sting but sound a lot like synthetic pop beats. It would be melodious, if nothing else.
The Good Greatsby
May 31, 2012
All the product in his hair might actually provide a protective helmet.
becomingcliche
May 31, 2012
“No amount of money won in a lawsuit will overcome the indignity of admitting to being bullied by the Bieb. ” Best. Line. EVER.
Smaktakula
May 31, 2012
Straight up. If I ever received a beat down at the hands of this hairless hit-factory, I’d take that with me to the grave.
mistyslaws
May 31, 2012
“Police drop charges on Bieber when they realize it was a case of mistaken identity. Petite lesbian is actually the dastardly culprit. At news of the identity of the true perpetrator, reporter’s esteem skyrockets.”
Kathryn McCullough
May 31, 2012
Love it. When I saw this story on the news, I somehow knew it would somehow end up here.
Thomas Stazyk
May 31, 2012
If the reporter were truly entrepreneurial, he would have asserted that Bieber impregnated his girlfriend while beating him up.
Emily Cannell
May 31, 2012
A publicity stunt that both the Bieb and the photographer were in on to the give the newly christened Bad Ass Bieb some street cred. Or maybe some cul de sac cred.
pegoleg
May 31, 2012
ha ha ha!
Tar-Buns
May 31, 2012
Tee hee! Well said, AmblerAngel! 🙂
The Good Greatsby
May 31, 2012
That really does seem like a plausible scenario. Even if the photographer wasn’t in on it, you can assume any payoff in a lawsuit would be worth the additional street cred.
Tar-Buns
May 31, 2012
My sentiments exactly, Mr. GG.
“Stop The Insanity!!!” – oh wait, that was what’s her name with the white hair and the work-out tape way back when…
flippingchannels
May 31, 2012
Your blog has done the impossible. It has made me care enough about Justin Bieber to have an opinion on this. Damn.
The Good Greatsby
May 31, 2012
I’m flattered to have had such an impact.
Rob Rubin
May 31, 2012
Bob Barker could definitely kick my ass.
habibadanyal
May 31, 2012
What a great post! 😀 I agree with flipping channels, never thought I would have sympathies with Justin B. lol.
Ape No. 1
May 31, 2012
Then he smashed my face, now I’m a Belieber…
Snoring Dog Studio
May 31, 2012
Ok, that’s hilarious!
bluebee
May 31, 2012
As embarrassing as being run over by a tricycle
Snoring Dog Studio
May 31, 2012
Just using the word “roughing” in a sentence about Beiber makes this universe all wonky. Imagine coming home to explain that the bruise under your eye was delivered by the tiny fist of Beiber. I think I’d rather be pummeled by a pomeranian.
Ape No. 1
June 1, 2012
I think you are onto something here SDS. Perhaps the original headline was a typo and it was meant to read, “Bieber Rouged Up Photographer”, hence the additional blush colours under the photographer’s eye which could easily be mistaken for bruising.
Snoring Dog Studio
June 2, 2012
OMG, Ape! That cracked me up!
spilledinkguy
May 31, 2012
I just hope they can bring the Bieb in without incident.
Kinda like trying to apprehend John Rambo, isn’t it?
Go Jules Go
June 1, 2012
I’ve come to count on you for my Bieb news, GG. This is incredible. I think his hair has special powers. I really do.
feelingchipper
June 1, 2012
He’s a tough nut that Bieber. Apparently he makes plenty of teenage girls scream. That means scary, right?
Shannygirl
June 2, 2012
Hey now.. quit picking on the Bieb’s.. she probably hits hard, you never know.. and with those boney hands, I’m sure it left a little bruise… 😉
HoaiPhai
June 4, 2012
In this picture The Bieb looks a bit like a brunette Shrley Jones, doesn’t he?
Sarah Oh
June 16, 2012
Well said! I suppose that people like Lindsay Lohan (no doubt that she’s old news) would be another buzz in the news!
Nidhi Shrivastava
June 18, 2012
Good one. I knew this will happen someday. 🙂
Donna
June 29, 2012
GUITGUY1Personally it just shows Justin’s age being all of the ripe old age of 16-17 W/E and though I wdolun’t do that and handle it in a professional manor by contacting him through legal channels. It was in my book apt for the age of the star and should not ever do it again. But hey it was hilarious.