A New Mexico diner called the police after three drunken men stole all their toilet paper. The TP Trio, as I’m sure their prison inmates will soon dub their nefarious gang, emerged from the bathroom carrying a dozen rolls in their arms and were promptly arrested by police in the parking lot. You know it must be a slow news day or a very small town when the theft of toilet paper makes the news. My favorite part of the news story is the final line:
“The toilet paper was returned to its rightful owner.”
I can imagine that reunion must have been quite the emotional scene for all parties.
Immediately upon reading this story, the words “Toilet Paper Caper” came to mind, and I wondered if I could come up with some rhyming headlines for that small town newspaper:
Diner Owner Gripe Over Swipe of Means to Wipe
Theft of 2-Ply Leaves Diner Guests High and Not So Dry
Thieves in Doozy After Boozy Two-zy
Local Chums Stick Out Like Sore Thumbs During Theft of Wipes for Bums
Police Take Issue with Theft of Tissue
Local Drunks Disinclined to Share Squares for Behind
Souses Called Louses After Carrying TP to Houses
Diner Guest Stuck on Bowl as Theft of Roll Takes Its Toll
One Too Many Beers Leads to Assault on Clean Rears
Police Sting Ensnares Thieves of Squares for Derrieres
The Good Greatsby 
bigsheepcommunications
December 5, 2011
That would totally make the front page of our local paper, only the headline would have a glaring typo.
becomingcliche
December 5, 2011
I believe there is more to this story. Why didn’t the restaurant owners just ask for the toilet paper back? I think the owners of the establishment set these poor sots up just to make the headlines. Now everyone knows that they are the only restaurant in town that actually HAS toilet paper.
The Good Greatsby
December 5, 2011
That’s gotta be some town when toilet paper on the premises is seen as an upsell.
kathrinjapan
December 5, 2011
How about
“Not So Charmin Diners Visit Cantina”
k8edid
December 5, 2011
Thieves put the squeeze on diner TPs.
Bridgesburning Chris King
December 5, 2011
Not exactly a clean get away
The Good Greatsby
December 5, 2011
They left a paper trail.
nancyfrancis
December 5, 2011
I’m not so sure I’d want the TP returned…
The Good Greatsby
December 5, 2011
The article made no mention of the state in which the TP was returned.
Spectra
December 5, 2011
“Diner Guest Stuck on Bowl as Theft of Roll Takes Its Toll”
That’d be just my luck. Fortunately, I usually keep my own stolen roll in in my purse at all times.
The Good Greatsby
December 5, 2011
Be careful when making that admission. Apparently TP crime is pretty serious.
lynne @ gardenmad
December 8, 2011
Ha!
jacquelincangro
December 5, 2011
Not a square to spare in local diner.
The Byronic Man
December 5, 2011
I think this kind of flashy, high-profile crime is just the sort of thing to distract us while the remainder of the gang pulls off the real robbery: the great paper towel heist of 2011
The Good Greatsby
December 5, 2011
Paper towel theft is considered much more glamorous in the world of paper-related crime.
stuffialmostbought
December 6, 2011
I hear that napkins are really where the big money is.
sportsjim81
December 5, 2011
I agree that there’s more to this story. I’d like a little background on these guys. I mean, why steal the toilet paper? It’s the motive that has me in (digestive) distress.
The Good Greatsby
December 6, 2011
If the police had known the motive–perhaps they were stealing for a paperless orphanage–maybe they wouldn’t have been so quick to toss these men in the clink. On the other hand, maybe they were planning to toilet paper an orphanage.
22aer22
December 5, 2011
Reading this post to my friends in a Starbucks got a lot of stares, but the laughter was worth it.
pegoleg
December 5, 2011
Headline project shows Greatsby’s on a roll.
PCC Advantage
December 5, 2011
“Thieves show lots of guts taking rolls for wiping butts.”
The Good Greatsby
December 5, 2011
Well done.
thelifeofjamie
December 5, 2011
Police Take Issue with Theft of Tissue- I love a good rhyme!
How about Theives are crass, diners can’t wipe ass?
averageinsuburbia
December 6, 2011
Lol!
madtante
December 5, 2011
I’m all about the poetry of “Souses Called Louses After Carrying TP to Houses.”
The Good Greatsby
December 5, 2011
I keep telling my wife this should qualify me as a poet but she receives to take me seriously.
thesinglecell
December 6, 2011
Brilliant. I dare not even try to match you.
The Good Greatsby
December 6, 2011
Are you sure you don’t want to take a swipe?
spilledinkguy
December 6, 2011
2-ply, eh?!
Fancy.
The Good Greatsby
December 6, 2011
Yes, sometimes I like to pamper myself.
Thomas Stazyk
December 6, 2011
Interesting issue about how to determine who is the “rightful owner” of the TP. Does title pass when it is hung on the dispenser for all to use in the public domain? Or must one leave his or her “mark” on it to prove ownership? Please apply your legal acumen to this (t)issue.
The Good Greatsby
December 6, 2011
If you leave toilet paper out in the bathroom and imply that some free use is acceptable, it seems hard to make the case that a customer isn’t allowed to take all of it. The Supreme Court needs to quickly rule on this important tissue issue.
modestypress
December 6, 2011
As much as I admire your comedy skill, this post perhaps should have been flushed. On the other hand, it might well have plugged up the loo.
winsomebella
December 6, 2011
No doubt needed for a camping expedition……
The Good Greatsby
December 6, 2011
That’s actually as likely an explanation as any.
pattisj
December 6, 2011
You were on a roll today!
Ape No. 1
December 6, 2011
The Three Amigos knew that this was the dirty work of El Wipo.
Ricky Anderson
December 6, 2011
Is it sad that I live in Albuquerque, and my reaction after reading this was not surprise, but “Ooh, I diner I haven’t tried yet!”
the master
December 7, 2011
“Dunny Run”
“Two-ply, ply, Gone Bye bye”
“Theft of Pleats Puts Butts on Seats”
“Criminal Farce Results in Unclean Arse”
“Thieves Make Off Sharpish Leaving Unwiped Chocolate Starfish”
Of course, if it were an English tabloid the headline would simply be “S***!”
beachlifefla
December 24, 2011
OMG….hilarious!