Tween fans of sixteen-year-old singer, heartthrob, and fake glasses wearer, Justin Bieber, were devastated to learn he had been sued for paternity last week. Bieber claims he’s never met his accuser and yesterday agreed to take a paternity test contingent on his mom lending him her car once his chores are all finished. I immediately thought of the following headlines to describe this important story:
Justin Bieber Takes Paternity Test; Also Geography Test
Local Woman Attempts to Take Candy from a Baby Singer
Bieber Camp Rattled by Sound of Rattle
Justin Bieber Maintains Low Profile, Keeps Head Down as Baby Struggles to Hold Head Up
Police Fail in Attempt to Interview Bieber When Thwarted by Treehouse Password
Baby Singer Sings Blues When Fat Lady Sings Baby
Bieber Served Papers During Paper Route
Bieber Beliebs in Innocence; Also Santa
Parents Ground Bieber After Taking Paternity Test Past His Bedtime
Bieber Faces Accuser in Court: Swears on Stack of Bibles, Sits on Stack of Phone Books
The Good Greatsby 
Kathryn McCullough
November 7, 2011
Love the notion of police thwarted by treehouse password. Too funny!
The Good Greatsby
November 7, 2011
Treehouse rules are rules. If he let the police in without a password, he’d have to let everyone’s kid brother in without a password.
xmichra
November 7, 2011
That was also my favorite punchline.. lol…
pattisj
November 8, 2011
This one got my vote, too.
tinkerbelle86
November 7, 2011
hahaha. the thought someone wants to procreate with Biebs amuses me. and the sounds of breaking hearts all over school….
The Good Greatsby
November 7, 2011
I wonder if any middle schools cancelled classes and brought in counselors to talk to those poor girls.
stuffialmostbought
November 7, 2011
“…Keeps Head Down as Baby Struggles to Hold Head Up”. GOLD!
spilledinkguy
November 7, 2011
The kids might all be chanting ‘Justin’, but I’ve finally got my opportunity to start chanting ‘Jerry’!
(It’s only a matter of time before ‘the Biebs’ throws a chair and storms off the set!
🙂
The Good Greatsby
November 7, 2011
I think it will be a few years before he’ll be able to pick up a chair on his own.
Good to see you back.
bearmancartoons
November 7, 2011
They threw chairs at Geraldo not Jerry..haha
She's a Maineiac
November 7, 2011
“Baby Singer Sings Blues When Fat Lady Sings Baby”
I can’t think of a finer hell than being forced to listen to that song for all eternity!
The Good Greatsby
November 7, 2011
I admit it’s an obnoxious song but I do like that I could sing along and knew all the lyrics the very first time I heard it.
Chase McFadden
November 7, 2011
I was like baby, baby, baby ohhhh.
Like baby, baby, baby nooo!
Louella
November 7, 2011
LMAOoooooooooooooooooo
Snoring Dog Studio
November 7, 2011
Awesome, Chase!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 7, 2011
It’s too early to laugh, but I’m feelin’ it.
Snoring Dog Studio
November 7, 2011
“Baby! Baby, Baby, Baby! OOOh!”
Snoring Dog Studio
November 7, 2011
I posted mine before I saw Chase’s post. Damn. Too slow. Brilliant minds thinking alike, though.
cooper
November 7, 2011
Historic First Paternity Suit Filed for Lesbian Couple.
The Good Greatsby
November 8, 2011
He really does look a bit butch in that first picture.
gerknoop
November 7, 2011
I’m sorry but he looks a little guilty in that last picture. Just look at that face….it is saying ……”yes, I did it, and I am so sowwwwwy momma”….
The Good Greatsby
November 8, 2011
There does seem to be a different look in his eye. Or maybe it’s just because he’s wearing different fake glasses.
Paige Kellerman
November 7, 2011
Justin objects, “Oh Baby, can’t be mine. I was grounded that night.”
thelifeofjamie
November 7, 2011
Well done! Although I doubt he is the father, I really hope he is just so some wind can be taken out of his baby sails!
Sandi Ormsby
November 7, 2011
My fav:
Police Fail in Attempt to Interview Bieber When Thwarted by Treehouse Password
I immediately pictured a black and white film with cops from the 20’s/30’s, billy club in hand, trying to enter the tree-house. And Bieber shaking his head no, as the cops try to guess the password. “no, it’s not that either? Okay, hold on…go get his mom”
The Good Greatsby
November 8, 2011
Like a Little Rascals sketch.
Jackie Cangro
November 7, 2011
Bieber Sings “Baby, Baby, Oh, Baby” To His Baby; Baby Spits Up
mistyslaws
November 8, 2011
When asked for comment as to whether it is his baby, Beiber quoted as saying, “hold on, I have to go ask my mom where babies come from, first.”
The Good Greatsby
November 8, 2011
That really would have been his best defense.
Kimberly Pugliano
November 8, 2011
The thing is, I’m pretty sure she’d remember having her own baby. You DO know Justin’s a girl, right? Every time I look at him/her I think of “Girl’s Don’t Cry.”
Does he even have armpit hair yet?
The Good Greatsby
November 8, 2011
I also wondered about the armpit hair. I did try and formulate a headline about the baby having more hair on his head than Bieber had on the rest of his body.
Pie
November 8, 2011
“Baby, baby, baby ooooooooh… my-god-I’m-screwed…”
This cannot possibly be true. He’s still only 8 years old. I mean look at him. You expect some bum fluff (juvenile facial hair) at least, by the time you’re 17. If, however, the paternity test proves he’s the father, he will gain a whole new level of (dis)respect.
My favourite of all your titles is definitely “Justin Bieber Maintains Low Profile, Keeps Head Down as Baby Struggles to Hold Head Up”
Coochie, coochie, coo!
Spectra
November 8, 2011
I’m not very ‘up’ on Tweeny things, but until this post, I’d always kinda thought Justin Beiber was a boy. He can’t possibly be the Father. Maybe the Mother. And s/he looks so glamorous in those diamondy earings!
John Erickson
November 8, 2011
I’ll go for numbers one and three. And how the heck would he celebrate his fatherhood when he’s not even old enough to drink or smoke? 🙂
The Good Greatsby
November 8, 2011
How sad to be preparing a bottle five years before you’re old enough to hit the bottle.
gojulesgo
November 8, 2011
Poor guy. He’s between a rock and a…tween.
Van Full of Candy
November 8, 2011
Bieber Changes “Alleged” Baby’s Diaper, Then Changes His Own
Ape No. 1
November 8, 2011
Then I saw his face, now he’s junior Bieber …
shreejacob
November 8, 2011
I like the first headline, though why not Biology test..that would have been totally appropriate..hehehehe
The Hook
November 9, 2011
Awesome work! I can’t stand that little weasel with the lesbian haircut! Keep taking shots at him, good sir!
PCC Advantage
November 9, 2011
“Bieber Beliebs in Innocence; Also Santa” ~ definitely my favourite!
You, sir, are always hilarious. (<— I figured you'd appreciate someone calling you "sir". I think wearing a smoking jacket calls for that kind of respect…)
Tori Nelson
November 9, 2011
Thanks for the laugh… I was starting to get really depressed thinking about Bieber procreating!
Dana
November 9, 2011
Didn’t he once hire a coach to help him flirt? Maybe those lessons paid unexpected dividends…
gabriella
November 12, 2011
those headlines are hilarious!
Evelyn
August 1, 2013
Howdy! I know this is kinda off topic but I was wondering
if you knew where I could get a captcha plugin for my
comment form? I’m using the same blog platform as yours and I’m having trouble finding
one? Thanks a lot!
HoaiPhai
August 6, 2013
It’s a shame that the guy who pioneered puking on stage as a dance move is subjected to gold-diggers and baby fakers.