
If you haven’t read How to Make Your Kids Sound Smart Part 1, make sure you do so here, so you’ll know what all the other moms were talking about at last week’s group therapy.
For those who did read Part 1, did you practice tips #1 and #2 with your ‘fork-misses-mouth’ smart child?
Remember, these tips are only meant to give your dim child a first impression of intelligence, followed by a vigilant silence to prolong eventual discovery. If you don’t emphasize silence, Kayt Lynn will gain undeserved confidence from the positive first impression and quickly find herself in over her head as she seeks entry into social circles and career opportunities she has no business pursuing. This undeserved confidence may make her dangerous to others, and at the very least, annoying to me.
Remember your goal is only to get Tyler through a job interview successfully. A boss who hires someone incompetent will defend that hire for five to six months, no matter how many times Tyler says “I’ll send you an Internet,” when he means send an email.
Here are more tips to create opportunities to sound intelligent. Remember to make a game of it as you train them to neutralize those nosy Brainpower Detectors!
(Brainpower Detectors=little league coaches, therapists, potential spouses)
Tip #3
Teach your child to use predicate nominatives obnoxiously. A predicate nominative is a clause or a phrase that follows a linking verb and mirrors the subject of the sentence. If Tyler is asked which unemployment forms he doesn’t understand, he should answer, “Those are they,” although most people will answer, “Those are them.” But in this case they is a predicate nominative because those and they are both the subject and are acts as an equal sign.
If Tyler ’s ex-girlfriend asks, “Is there somebody in my closet?”
When Tyler jumps out of the closet he should shout, “It is I,” not “It’s me.”
Tyler ’s ex-girlfriend may argue “It’s me” is so common now as to be correct, but the point isn’t to correct others when they say “It’s me” but to get them to correct you when you say “It is I”. It sounds so wrong when you say it, people will chuckle, give you an odd look, and correct you with condescension. That’s when Tyler says, “Actually the I in this sentence is a predicate nominative and completes the subject It. I guess I could join the knuckle-draggers and say ‘It’s me’, but I just wouldn’t feel right.”
Brainpower Detector neutralized! Begin vigilant silence!
Luring someone into hinting at his stupidity and then aggressively smacking that person down will keep people from challenging Tyler when he is genuinely wrong almost all of the time.
Tip # 4
When referencing psychobabble, most people only have room in their brain for one name: Freud. “That’s a very Freudian observation” or “That’s a very Freudian perspective.” But your child should mention another psychologist like Carl Jung and start calling everything a “Jungian observation” or a “Jungian slip of the tongue”.
“That’s a very Jungian observation.”
“What was?”
“The thing you just said.”
“I said, ‘Would you like to see the wine list.’ ”
“And I said, ‘That’s a very Jungian observation.’ ”
“But it wasn’t an observation.”
“Sounds like you’re in a pattern of Jungian denial.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know Carl Jung, the father of analytic psychology?”
(Blank stare)
Well done, Tyler. That waitress will defer to Tyler’s judgment if the tip doesn’t seem to add up to 15%.
Is the observation Jungian? Probably not? But what do most people know about Jung or even Freud for that matter? Tyler can call just about everything Jungian, and if anybody calls him on it and asks him to explain, he should sound indignant and say, “Don’t you even know the father of analytic psychology?” and then chuckle. If the questioner answers that he is indeed familiar with Jung as the father of analytic psychology, Tyler should get out of there immediately!
More tips soon!
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What’s that you say? You don’t have a Twitter account and you don’t use email. Maybe you should sign up.
What’s that? You don’t have access to a computer? Well, you should buy one, everyone has computers now.
Wait…if you don’t have a computer, how are you reading this, Liar?
carldagostino
March 24, 2011
Predicate nominative is a useful tool. nominative = tool. Reference to a famous person is impressive as well. One strategy I would add is to memorize 5 or 6 phrases in a foreign language to insert into sentences. They can be absolutely meaningless but since most Americans have an English vocab of about 500 words it won’t matter with foreign language words. . The first choice of most would be French because it sounds very “European” I would choose Latin however because it sounds lawyer like or science like and suggests you have connections with people that have connections(alleged) with God.
The Good Greatsby
March 25, 2011
Great suggestion! I actually have a similar tip coming.
spilledinkguy
March 25, 2011
Hahaha –
So make me sound smarter this will?! 🙂
Amy
March 25, 2011
These tips are reaffirming my decision to not have children. Sounds like a lot of work. At least if you have a dumb dog, you can say “I found him in a dumpster, what do you expect?”
Looking forward to how many other ways you can spell Kaitlin!
Binky
March 25, 2011
To appear smarter, I suggest wearing an Einstein t-shirt. Smarts are contagious, so simply by wearing such a shirt you not only project an image of smartness, but you may absorb some of his awesome intellect yourself.
The Good Greatsby
March 25, 2011
Hmm…I never considered there might be a way to look smart while wearing a t-shirt, but your suggestion may be the breakthrough we’ve all been waiting for.
abbycdiddy
March 28, 2011
Looking smart while wearing a t-shirt could prove to be difficult, especially if the person you’re with is wearing a t-shirt that says “I’m with Stupid >”
Bella
March 25, 2011
What to do if Tyler and Kayt Lynn both find themselves at the same job interview? I mean, parting from the premise that Tyler’s mother and Kayt Lynn’s mum are both following these tips, how will this be detrimental to the outcome goal of said interview? Just making a Jungian observation. 🙂
the master
March 25, 2011
Couldn’t you just get them to wear glasses? They don’t even have to be real ones, you could draw them on! That fools most people (from a distance).
MarkH
March 25, 2011
I’ve got about 12 Goldbloomian observations I keep handy at all times to sound smart. Such hits as “You were so obsessed with finding out if you could… youuu-uu-uu never stopped to think if you should!”
RIP Jeff.
The Good Greatsby
March 26, 2011
I say that line all the time, but I don’t cite Jeff Goldblum. It worries me that someone else remembers that line and might call me on it.
Brown Road Chronicles
April 1, 2011
Dude, this stuff is hilarious! Where have you been all my short blogging life? Love the site!
Ultimatelaxbro
April 9, 2011
Interesting theories. I do, however wonder from time to time, can one make their own child seem smarter by subtle advice towards a certain babysitter by expressing that the child ( say by the age of two or so) may not, no matter how much he presses and pleads, have a cigarette. Would this promote the child’s chances of reaching a higher range of sophistication merely by the suggestion that he is of an appropriate age to do so? I wonder Paul… I do wonder. In fact, if I do recollect a certain instance by which I witnessed such an event taking place in my own home by a certain uncle… Hmm…
The Good Greatsby
April 13, 2011
You wouldn’t think you’d have to remind a babysitter not to let a two year old smoke, but some kids can be very persuasive. Check out this smoking two year old: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1281538/Smoking-year-old-Ardi-Rizal-40-cigarettes-day.html
theultimatelaxbro
April 13, 2011
I believe you did one evening so long ago before leaving one evening for a night out; with my parents actually(:
The Good Greatsby
April 13, 2011
Did you read the article? It’s never too early to warn kids of the dangers of smoking.
theultimatelaxbro
April 13, 2011
Yes that’s true! Do you remember this though?
The Good Greatsby
April 13, 2011
I do remember saying that because I give similar nonsense instructions just about every time I leave my kids with babysitters. I give two serious instructions, and the third is a always a lie.
Lori
April 21, 2011
Predicate Nominative….Carl Jung? Show off!!