The Starbucks in New York City announced they will be closing their bathrooms to the public. Apparently they grew tired of being the hangout for the homeless and the guy using the Wi-Fi for ten hours while only sipping one coffee. I can respect the challenge to keep the place classy when it’s full of the homeless and tourists only stopping into to overuse and break the toilet, but how can you ban use of your bathroom when you’re selling a product notorious for making the drinker immediately need to use the bathroom?
When I heard this important news, I was struck by the following potential headlines:
Starbucks Wakes Up and Smells More than the Coffee
Starbucks Closes Public Toilets; Announces Buy 1 Cup Get 1 Empty Cup Free
Coffee Shop Cuts the Crap
Starbucks Surprised People Taking Advantage of Business Selling $4 Coffee
Bums Bummed After Ban of Bums’ Bums
Starbucks Going to Pot as More Patrons on the Pot than Ordering a Pot
When You Gotta Go, Get Coffee to Go, Because Starbucks Won’t Let You Go
Starbucks Announces: Come for Joe Not for John
Hold the Cream; Hold the Sugar; Just Hold It
The Good Greatsby 
jacquelincangro
November 18, 2011
Wait. What? This is news to me. I go to Starbucks in NYC. This is an outrage I tell you.
Occupy Starbucks! We are the 99%.
Who’s with me?
The Good Greatsby
November 18, 2011
I’d like to help but if we’re going to protest I should mention I need to use the bathroom about once an hour.
Wayne E.
November 18, 2011
I was just in the city the other day and was able to use the john in Starbucks. Twice. Some places put an “out of order” sign on the door to discourage people. You should turn the handle anyway to see if the door is really locked.
Nancy Francis
November 18, 2011
Well I’ve discovered the whole Starbucks free Wifi isn’t universal – you have to pay by the hour in Australia! It’s like the fricken Stoneage here – impossible to find Wifi, and when you do it’s crappy and pay per use!
Never thought to check the washrooms!
The Good Greatsby
November 18, 2011
Maybe the Wi-Fi is better in there.
pegoleg
November 18, 2011
I am pretty sure the Wi-Fi would be crappy in the bathroom. Sorry. Had to do it.
Seeing Clarely
November 19, 2011
In Australia you have to go to Macdonalds for the wifi. Their coffee is getting better, fortunately.
georgettesullins
November 18, 2011
NYC administrators take note. Import “pissoirs” from Paris to place on the corners near any NYC Starbucks.
Wayne E.
November 18, 2011
Oui, oui!
The Good Greatsby
November 18, 2011
They can’t just eliminate all bathrooms; the city has to provide relief somewhere.
rumpydog
November 18, 2011
Hey, they lost my business when they refused to let the dogs in. woo woo woo!
The Good Greatsby
November 18, 2011
I didn’t even know dogs were interested in coffee.
becomingcliche
November 18, 2011
I’d actually say we’re the 100%. Everyone has to go to the bathroom. Although, I supposed if you remove people who have a phobia of public restrooms, we’re back to 99% again.
So excited that people will no longer be able to wash their hands. Wiping out Starbucks patrons with nasty viruses may be the only way to take back this country.
Pie
November 18, 2011
O.K. My favourites from your list:
Coffee Shop Cuts the Crap
Bums Bummed After Ban of Bums Bums
Hold the Cream; Hold the Sugar; Just Hold It
I think coffee and alcohol must share the special ingredient that shrinks your bladder to the size of a pea. Personally, I don’t like Starbucks: they make a rubbish hot chocolate. I experienced their toilet, just once, at Union Square when I was in NY a few years ago. To say it was fit for a bum would be giving it undeserved high praise. It really was rank.
I can see their dilemma, but what about those who are genuine, coffee drinking customers? Maybe they’ll be given a golden key to the magic room, if they spend $8 or more. Or a punch to the gut to see if they wet their trousers. If the trousers are dry, their need will be deemed a non-emergency and access will be denied.
The Good Greatsby
November 18, 2011
Do they really want to kick out the genuine customers who are willing to drink 5 cups of $4 coffee but will eventually need a bathroom?
Snoring Dog Studio
November 18, 2011
Starbucks Closes Public Toilets; Announces Buy 1 Cup Get 1 Empty Cup Free
Hilarious! Your titles, not Starbuck’s policy. How ridiculous. Really? Fine. I’m boycotting Starbucks now. They better expect some angry, fidgety patrons, holding their thingies while trying to get to the nearest potty nearby.
And becomingcliche is on to something – Plague of E-Coli Ravages Starbucks Throughout the Nation.
joehoover
November 18, 2011
Wait, they close for good? you can’t use them on request? I think it’s illegal in the UK to serve food and drink and not allow use of toilets
You can request the key at the counter which is attached to a plank of wood which you have to lug back through the shop.
The Good Greatsby
November 18, 2011
It’s funny that they attach a plank of wood so you won’t steal the key because a big plank of wood can actually be valuable.
joehoover
November 19, 2011
It’s a nice way to announce to the rest of the customers you need the toilet.
I’m not sure what the protocol is if someone is waiting at the toilet after you, do you hand over the plank to them or do you lock the door after you and hand it back in.
What if you passed it over but then they never locked it up and handed it back, or even stole the plank?
I’d have to say no, I don’t care how in need they were they would have to follow procedure. They’d need to cue up behind me whilst I pass the key back and wait their turn in line (what’s the most time consuming drink for a barista to prepare?)
Kathryn McCullough
November 18, 2011
Utterly hysterical. And I love title! Brilliantly funny! (And I’m with Jackie–Occupy Starbucks!)
Kathy
ajg
November 18, 2011
Starbucks eliminates elimination. Also toilet showers.
The Good Greatsby
November 19, 2011
Well done.
Lenore Diane
November 19, 2011
Brilliant!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 18, 2011
The first people to join the Occupy Starbucks movement will be women over the age of 50. But it will be a very short occupation because we will need a bathroom in about 10 minutes.
susielindau
November 18, 2011
Too funny! You have such a potty mouth today!
I love, “When You Gotta Go, Get Coffee to Go, Because Starbucks Won’t Let You Go.”
Tori Nelson
November 18, 2011
Haha! I’m a little disappointed though. I make a point to go to the bathroom every time I stop by a Starbucks. Not because I really had to go, but because after paying $7 for coffee I guess I felt I was at least owed some complimentary hand soap and tp.
gerknoop
November 18, 2011
You did it again Greatsby! I didn’t have a fav headline, I loved them ALL! ha ha ha ha ha ha!
She's a Maineiac
November 18, 2011
I’d like a grande half-caf cap and a venti cath bag to go, please.
pegoleg
November 18, 2011
snicker, snicker 🙂
Lenore Diane
November 19, 2011
Nicely done, D!
Sandi Ormsby
November 18, 2011
I’d like to see them tell that to a desperate mom, with child in tow, that has to potty NOW! “Excuse me, we’ll be using the sink back here, thanks! Oh, sorry, my son just found your potted plant. Whatya gonna do? Little stinker.” **sheepishly smiling/shrugging shoulders.
Amy
November 18, 2011
Starbucks bathrooms must be a “thing” for homeless people. Like highway rest stops and always knowing where to find cardboard.
Every Starbucks bathroom I’ve ever seen looks like monkeys had been living in it.
mistyslaws
November 19, 2011
“Always knowing where to find cardboard.”
Brilliant. 🙂
Meet the Buttrams
November 19, 2011
Brilliant, sir. Bathroom humor is always a sure shot.
The Hook
November 19, 2011
Great share! Starbucks is undergoing quite the transformation these days as their world melts from underneath them. Their client base is changing every day.
cooper
November 19, 2011
somebody missed the boat here…just put a coinbox on the bathroom door. charge a dollar to unlock it and that way people can use those goofy $1 coins they get as change from the subway. Then take all the money they collect and donate it to a homeless shelter. What a great PR move…Hey Starbucks! If you use this idea, I get 40%…
Glynis Sylvia
November 19, 2011
So they have free Wi-Fi. Maybe they should keep the bathrooms open, but just institute a Wee-Fee.
mistyslaws
November 19, 2011
I see what you did there. Bravo.
The Good Greatsby
November 19, 2011
Nicely done.
Lenore Diane
November 19, 2011
Ha! Clever.
mistyslaws
November 19, 2011
Well, I just think the Occupy Starbucks movement can just go and have a sit in, and when they have to go, they just go. I can already envision the signs:
Pee Free or We Pee!
Open the Loo or We’ll Pee on You!
Sit In to Shit In Starbucks!
We are the Number 1 & 2!
Free Tibet! (because you know someone is always saying this shit no matter what!)
Thomas Stazyk
November 19, 2011
Starbucks says no more Free Trade!
Dana
November 19, 2011
Bums Bummed After Ban of Bums’ Bums
That’s a whole lotta bums for a Friday morning. I like it.
pearlsandprose
November 19, 2011
Each one better than the last. 🙂
Graham Strong
November 19, 2011
Hmmm, that’s illegal in Canada… I think some of the comments here successfully underline why.
~Graham
Laura
November 19, 2011
I love “buy one cup, get an empty cup free”, but realistically I can’t see Starbucks giving anything away for free, unless it was a thimble-sized sample of an empty cup. And they’d probably start also selling Starbucks-logo reusable empty cups to show how concerned they are for the environment.
I went into a Starbucks around Halloween, and the store was full of displays and ads for their Thanksgiving Blend coffee. I went into one this week, and all the Thanksgiving Blend stuff had been replaced with ads for Christmas Blend. I’m guessing Valentine’s Day Blend will go up next week. Also, why does every holiday need its own blend of coffee? And why am I going to Starbucks? I make better espresso at home.
torcon1
November 19, 2011
Your hilarity knows no bounds! This comedic crescendo culminates with “Hold the cream; Hold the sugar; Just hold it!”
You forgot to tell us to hold our sides as well….
Jess Witkins
November 19, 2011
But the wi-fi is better! Now what will I do?
But I understand, the ordering process is so much of an ordeal in and of itself, this will make it easier. If I have to listen to another “I’ll have a venti cinnamon dolce skinny latte with extra foam, no spice, triple shot and 30 minutes on the pot for a number 2” I’ll scream.
John Erickson
November 19, 2011
“Give us your bread but don’t use our head”? “Fresh coffee for you, but stay out of the loo”?
If they won’t let me use the john, then they don’t get business from THIS John! 😀
Ape No. 1
November 19, 2011
I’ll have a decatheter to go please …
lynne @ gardenmad
November 19, 2011
hahaha!
Carl D'Agostino
November 19, 2011
Bladder issue? Get your coffee at McDonald’s or the Texaco station.
The Good Greatsby
November 19, 2011
But the coffee at Texaco costs less than $1. I really had my heart set on paying $4.
Lenore Diane
November 19, 2011
Honestly. I think the bathroom ban stems more from the guys refusing to change the toilet paper roll. That’s my guess, anyway.
pattisj
November 19, 2011
Did I miss anything? For some reason, I had to go really bad. Must have been all the laughing. Great post and comments. Do they lock you all up at night, or are you free to roam around?
gojulesgo
November 20, 2011
Dang. Do you know how hard it is to find a good bathroom in NYC? Please, whatever you do, don’t make me go to McDonald’s!!
dinkerson
November 20, 2011
Good job sir. That really made me laugh!
Renee Schuls-Jacobson
November 20, 2011
Oh pug-leeze. It’s New York. All this means is that people will continue doo what they need to doo. When they need to doo it.
I would just say I am pregnant. No one can refuse a pregnant woman. Or I would say I need to wash my hands first.
If that didn’t work, I would just pee on the floor! 😉
bestbathroombooks
November 21, 2011
Paul Johson, I hate to talk smack about Jo Mama, but she was wrong. You are truly funny. This is quality material. I wil wait for some New York comedian to steal it and use it, then see it on TV and have deja vu (because my memory is so bad).
I love deja vu.
Les
flippingchannels
November 21, 2011
Just hold it. Classic.
educlaytion
November 21, 2011
Fine. If that’s how they want it then Starbucks can’t use my bathroom either.
duckofindeed
November 22, 2011
Ha ha! That’s not fair, though. What if someone really has to go and Starbucks is the only place nearby? Must we do our business on the streets like animals? Is that what they want?
Gemma Sidney
November 24, 2011
I visited a lot of Starbucks in New York as a disrespectful tourist who just wanted to use the facilities and free wifi. Every single time, the toilets were really gross. I saw more well-maintained ones in Paris. Even in Kenya! So I’m thinking maybe it wasn’t Starbucks behind this crazy initiative, but the NY Dept of Health.
julieburridge
November 25, 2011
Thank you for this. I love the first headline.
Bill Hayes
September 30, 2012
I look forward to a bunch of full paper cups accumalating around the locked toilet door.
Starbucks shouldn’t sell such big cups of coffee either. They ask “large or medium” I say “small please” We don’t do small. But how can you have large and medium but no small? Medium is half way between large and small. Phases them every time.
BTW: nice laugh out loud blog.
Jennwith2ns
February 13, 2013
Hilarious. Although Starbucks isn’t the only one. There’s an indie shop on a college campus in Our Fair City, that does not have, nor has it ever had, public toilets. My husband and I have often remarked on the strange/poor planning involved.
pmahaney
May 17, 2013
Headline! “Starbucks offers Comic Relief, Starts Bowel Movement Courtesy of the Good Greatsby” By the way Wayne E. the “Qui, qui” was killer. “Hold the Cream; Hold the Sugar; Just hold it” LOL Dying here.
Michael Jagdeo
July 29, 2014
– Starbucks: We’re Not Gonna Take It (Anymore)
– Starbucks: Fed Up Of Your Crap
– Starbucks: No Coffee, No Bathroom Key – period (eww)
– Starbucks: No Joe? No John.
– Starbucks: John’s Reserved For Douchebags
– Starbucks: Keep Your Shit Away From Our Shit
– Starbucks: Quit Pretending to be on the phone just so you can use the bathroom. We know you’re not on the phone. You’re just mimicking a guy being on the phone so you can use our immaculately tiled and accroutremented washroom. Smell that? It’s not shit. You know why? Because we keep this thing clean as shit. You know how? We charge a shitload for coffee. Ergo ipso-facto if you don’t buy coffee, you haven’t paid for the lady who cleans the washroom so clean you wanna show your wife so she’ll reckonize what a clean washroom is all about. PS – Tell your wife we know that she’s also pretending to be on the phone, but since she flirts with our Baristas everytime she comes in, it’s cool.