Dear NASA,
I saw your job posting on USAJOBS seeking astronauts. Apparently many veteran astronauts are leaving and NASA will need upwards of fifty-five new astronauts in the next few years.
Here’s my favorite part of the job description: “Frequent travel may be required.” I’m glad this detail was included before I applied because I had no idea a job traveling to space might require traveling.
NASA–may I call you NASA? NASA, I wasn’t one of those kids who dreamed of becoming an astronaut, but I did dream about telling people I was an astronaut.
And not just any people, but specifically the female half of people.
But times have changed since astronauts were all the rage in the sixties. The only boys today who dream about impressing girls by becoming astronauts are the boys who haven’t yet been told that becoming an astronaut requires years and years of really hard work. Haven’t you heard that boys today aren’t interested in math and science anymore? It doesn’t take boys long to realize there are far easier ways to impress girls:
Not only is “Reality TV Star” more impressive than “Astronaut,” but also consider all the work required in boring subjects like math and science–just to be less impressive:
NASA, the work/reward ratio is too heavily skewed in Reality TV Star’s favor as a profession. And if a boy is absolutely intent on fulfilling his dream of telling girls he’s an astronaut, and he’s smart enough to qualify for a PhD in Physics, he’s probably smart enough to understand the following:
Female astronauts are very impressive to men but also very intimidating, and being an astronaut may not translate into as many dates as their high school career counselors promised:
Here’s my suggestion: If you want to get young people excited about the space program again, why not develop a reality TV show based on selecting an astronaut to go up in space? Also, cut the math and science.
The Good Greatsby
The Good Greatsby 
daisyfae
November 17, 2011
My sister once suggested that i became an engineer in order to find a husband. A man who was kinda nerdy and dorky enough to think i was hot. She suggested this, by the way, right before i threw her out of my house….
The Good Greatsby
November 17, 2011
Something tells me the engineering type of man is even less attracted to the engineering type of woman.
Glynis Sylvia
November 18, 2011
True that. Just because those nerdy dweebs can’t ever get a date doesn’t preclude them from being shallow. Hypocrites.
Kathryn McCullough
November 17, 2011
Does reality tv involve travel, as well?
The Good Greatsby
November 17, 2011
It seems like TV could use the magic of blue screen technology to make space come to the astronauts.
gerknoop
November 17, 2011
Thank you Greatsby, for pointing out and helping me realize how much has changed since I as a kid! LOLOL I actually worked with a woman who’s husband was an astronaut. His name was David Scott….(don’t know if you remember him or not) he wasn’t one of the biggies or anything….but we all knew who he was and were SO impressed! Every time he came in to see her the whole office would just be in awe! “Did you see who was here”? “Yes, ‘I did!” “Isn’t he just so handsome”?
The Good Greatsby
November 17, 2011
It does seem like the astronauts selected are disproportionately handsome when compared to other men with advanced science degrees.
lynne @ gardenmad
November 18, 2011
All other qualifications being equal, being handsome doesn’t hurt.
Beach Bum
November 17, 2011
why not develop a reality TV show based on selecting an astronaut to go up in space?
As a long time official and proud space cadet going all the way back to the Apollo program that I watched religiously as a kid that is a great idea. Of course something akin to what you described, if I remember correctly, happened several years ago. Some totally obsessed and married astronaut lady drove nonstop from Houston to the Kennedy Space Center in Florida to murder a rival astronaut lady who was making time with her male astronaut lover who I believe was also married.
The dirty detail beyond the already complicated adultery situation involved her wearing a space diaper on her long drive so she did not have to stop for bathroom breaks. Nothing I know of beats that in the realm of reality television crazy.
As for my space cadet dreams I may be forced to depend on the Chinese if I ever want to walk on the moon, those guys and gals have an up and coming program that will make NASA personnel green with envy.
gerknoop
November 17, 2011
I grew up close to Edwards air force base in Calif. So I was friends with lots of air force brats….one of my best friends dad flew U-2 reconnaissance flts with Gary Powers (of course we didn’t know it then). Very exciting times, and we were all so impressed with it all! And yes, they were all quite handsome I suppose! LOL….much OLDER than me I might point out!
Snoring Dog Studio
November 17, 2011
NASA is in need of some PR help. “Astronaut” is so fifties. Try calling them something else: Star Troopers, Galaxy Gang, Planet Patrol, or let them all take on names similar to the X-Men and wear cool gear. Of course, also get rid of the math and science.
The Good Greatsby
November 17, 2011
I would much prefer telling women I’m with the Planet Control instead of being a boring astronaut.
PCC Advantage
November 17, 2011
I can’t believe that men do not find female astronauts attractive. Do men like reality TV stars? If so, I think I need to re-think my life goals and start patterning my life after Snooki’s.
I mean, men find her classy and attractive…right?
thoughtsappear
November 17, 2011
I need more travel specifics. How far? Are we talking the moon or Mars? Will I get an endless supply of the astronaut freeze dried ice cream?
The Good Greatsby
November 17, 2011
I think NASA is actually considering sending people to Mars before long. No word on whether they plan to bring the people back.
Tar-Buns
November 18, 2011
Tee hee! Made me laugh out loud. Poor NASA…come be an astronaut but don’t count on going anywhere soon. Sad.
pattisj
November 18, 2011
If they no longer require math and science, I’d say “one way trip” is a given.
skippingstones
November 18, 2011
But do they have freeze dried cupcakes?
cooper
November 17, 2011
Anyone wanna buy a slightly used space helmet???
The Good Greatsby
November 18, 2011
A NASA space helmet or an alien space helmet?
educlaytion
November 17, 2011
Great satire contains great truth. Love this!
Todd Pack
November 17, 2011
Oh, come on. Guys are totally into female astronauts. They don’t admit it, though, because they realize that female astronauts, being rocket scientists, after all, think they’re idiots.
The Good Greatsby
November 17, 2011
Intelligent women are plenty attractive until you get the feeling they think you’re a complete idiot. There’s something very unattractive about a person who realizes how dumb you are.
madtante
November 17, 2011
I’m not sure if I could recognize any male reality (or female) stars except the guys from Top Gear (UK–I hear there’s a US version now), Shorty from that show with LPs and pitbulls and erm, oh. Ghost Hunters. I know those guys.
I don’t know any astronauts (personally or to recognize on the street) but we had a chick astronaut speak at my big, fancy university commencement exercise. I forget her name but it was years before that broad with the diapers. You know what I mean. I think she was going to kill somebody but got caught wearing diapers and is now in prison. Or something. This is why I prefer ignorance. Oh, and the lady astronaut who spoke had her Masters or something from my school and she was bor-ing.
The Good Greatsby
November 18, 2011
I think NASA stopped using “chick astronaut” a few years ago, but I’m happy to help bring the term back.
susielindau
November 17, 2011
Love you data. I am certain that it was collected and derived scientifically.
“Beach Bum” is on to something. I bet a reality TV show based on sending random lusty single people up in space is in development as I type…
joehoover
November 17, 2011
If we can adapt the idea to produce all reality shows in outer space.
No one tell them it’s not being filmed and we can just send them on a one way trip.
lynne @ gardenmad
November 18, 2011
You could always be a fireman. Back in my day they were considered the “hot” profession. Up here in British Columbia, we didn’t see too many astronauts hanging around the bars. And I think the math and science component is way less. There’s that burning building thing though.
Lenore Diane
November 18, 2011
The new astronauts will be taunted by the old astronauts…. “Back in my day, we flew our own shuttles and rockets to the moon. We didn’t outsource the job to other countries.”
The graphs are depressing, due to the accuracy. Still, I’m proud that I’m raising two pending engineers, created by a non-engineer and an engineer. Thank goodness I married a math and science man, as I am numerically challenged. My 6 yr old makes math worksheets for me. Yesterday, I asked if he could just create language worksheets for me, and math worksheets for Daddy.
P.S. Daddy engineer is hot, and the little engineers got his looks, too. (Sha’woo!)
The Good Greatsby
November 18, 2011
I’ve got one son convinced that he wants to be an engineer but the other son still needs more pressure before he’s ready to accept my dreams over his.
She's a Maineiac
November 18, 2011
Lenore, my son excels at math as well. I dream of him being an engineer one day…unfortunately, whenever I ask him what he wants to be when he grows up, he yells out, “I want to race Mario Karts!”
mistyslaws
November 19, 2011
My son is so good at math, he is doing it at 2 higher grade levels, whilst I am a math dummy. He is 6. However, he continues to assure me that he wants to be a Ninja when he grows up. Not sure how relevant math or science is to that profession, however.
Spectra
November 18, 2011
The graphs are impressive. I have to wonder how the readings would be affected if there were no such thing as alcohol?
I did meet an astronaut once, and he hit on me. I was interested, ’till his friends told me he was a married spaceboy. I suddenly felt the need to go diaper shopping.
spilledinkguy
November 18, 2011
Although some smart women like… ‘less smart’… guys.
My marriage proves it.
As my prior experiments at NASA would have…
had I not been ‘politely’ asked to quit pretending to be just passing by the launch pad…
jacquelincangro
November 18, 2011
New pick up line: I’m not an astronaut, but I play one on tv.
thebabelblog
November 18, 2011
When is lumberjack going to come back in style?
The Good Greatsby
November 18, 2011
Lumberjack is actually a pretty funny profession to tell girls in a bar. I think that means it’s back in style now.
Tori Nelson
November 18, 2011
Real World: Lunar Cave… I think it could work. But is there anyway to spray tan and stick a bikini on a chick in a space suit?
The Good Greatsby
November 18, 2011
That’s the first production note from the network to NASA: adapt spacesuits to show more skin.
gojulesgo
November 18, 2011
It’s probably the project manager in me talking, but I love a good set of bar charts. If you added “lead singer” to the first chart, you probably wouldn’t even be able to see the “astronaut” bar anymore.
The part about travel required was priceless!!
shreejacob
November 18, 2011
Brilliant suggestion about converting it into a reality show. Something like that happened in Malaysia a few years ago, however the ‘show” was broadcasted over the newpapers and I missed most of it. We have an “astronaught” (intended typo) who was actually as “cosmonaut” which is supposedly equivalent to a space tourist. He only had to learn basic physics and maths. He just looked good
John Erickson
November 18, 2011
Create your own sci-fi universe, like I did. It’s easier on the back, and bags plenty of women! (As long as they are ALSO sci-fi fan geeks, which worked great for me!) 😀
skippingstones
November 18, 2011
Are you sure there’s that much work required to be a Reality Star?
The Good Greatsby
November 18, 2011
Doesn’t it take a certain amount of work to be the type of difficult person who can’t get along with anyone and makes for an interesting reality show character?
skippingstones
November 18, 2011
Haha! Does it? I’ve known people who were like that with absolutely no effort whatsoever.
What does Ken say? 😉
The Good Greatsby
November 18, 2011
I’ve always assumed it was easier to be nice. It’s no fun to be a mean person and it’s exhausting to carry all that negative energy around all day.
Glynis Sylvia
November 18, 2011
I don’t see why it has to be so hard to be an astronaut. All you have to do is press blinking buttons, float around without bumping into more essential buttons (like EJECT), and poop into a plastic bag or something.
It’s not like it’s Rocket Science. 😉
Laura
November 18, 2011
One of my classmates (well, she graduated the same year that I did, although I didn’t know her) from college is an astronaut. So I get to feel inadequate several times a year when I get “Cady just left for another trip to the ISS! Send in your news!” mail from the alumni association.
The Good Greatsby
November 18, 2011
I don’t even know Cady and I already hate her.
Bridgesburning Chris King
November 18, 2011
I am impressed you have such detailed graphs..everyone knows graphs don’t lie!
The Good Greatsby
November 18, 2011
I even have a graph about how graphs don’t lie.
She's a Maineiac
November 18, 2011
These graphs are pretty impressive and highly accurate. Nice job. I wonder if you could ever diagram a man’s brain for me so that I would really know what the hell’s going on in there (if anything?) When I tried it, all the men told me it was all wrong.
Meet the Buttrams
November 18, 2011
A reality TV show based on the selection process of astronauts?
IS MTV PAYING ATTENTION?
The Hook
November 19, 2011
Fantastic title!
pegoleg
November 19, 2011
Wait a minute, I thought we did away with the space program? What the heck is NASA doing spending our tax dollars on new astronauts? They should be advertising for mechanics who speak Russian, and are prepared to fix stuff that breaks down while hitching a ride up to the space station.
torcon1
November 19, 2011
I was traveling this week (not in outer space) so I’m late to comment. Another good way for NASA to attract would-be astronauts is to continue funding travel into space, but apparently congress doesn’t see it that way and is proposing cuts to the space program.
http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/11/16/us-usa-space-budget-idUSTRE7AF06320111116
To close the budget gap, perhaps NASA could hold a series of bake sales – I hear they make a mean “moon pie.”