Smack talk is not my strong suit.
Some people think half the fun of a fantasy football league is sending taunting emails and texts to other players, but I’ve never liked mean humor and I have a hard time getting into the spirit of being one of the guys while worrying about crossing the line. Smack talk shouldn’t be too mean or too true, and the following smack goes too far:
Question: What’s up, playa? Answer: My total points this week! Also your blood sugar because of your advanced diabetes! Zing!
Congratulations on your win! I wish I had more time to research my lineup, but I got distracted spending time with my loving wife and kids. I guess you have all the time you want since your wife left you, huh? Zing!
I can’t believe you’ve already lost four times this season. Well, five if you include losing your job! Zing!
I always fear being too mean so I over-compensate and end up making borderline neutral comments:
If your team were a fruit, it would be a banana because bananas bruise so easily, just like your team. (Have you checked your injury report yet today? If not, check it now and then re-read my message. But seriously, hope your players get well soon.)
I bet you wish your team had won. A few more points and they would have. Better luck next week. Your team isn’t very good. Zing!
I’ve been practicing smack talk with the kids as we play baseball or board games, but Mrs. Good Greatsby worries about letting them have free rein to be disrespectful, so I’ve given them the requirement that all smack talk must actually contain the word ‘smack’.
Optimist Prime: Can I get you some smackaroni and cheese?
Me: Good one. And if we do really have any macaroni and cheese, would you please get me some? I bet your favorite actor is Smack Nicholson.
The Fonz and Optimist Prime: Who’s Smack Nicholson?
Me: Jack Nicholson. He was in Chinatown.
Optimist Prime: I haven’t seen it.
Me: Nor should you. You’re too young.
The Fonz: I bet your favorite sandwich is smack and cheese.
Me: What is the ‘smack’ supposed to be in that sandwich?
The Fonz: ?
Me: Are you just trying to copy Optimist Prime’s smackaroni and cheese, and you forget the smackaroni is from macaroni and doesn’t go on a sandwich?
The Fonz: ?
Optimist Prime: I bet your favorite football team is the Green Bay Smackers.
Me: If you mean Green Bay Packers, you’re right. I bet your favorite band is Nickelsmack
The Fonz and Optimist Prime: Who’s Nickelsmack?
Me: It’s a band called Nickelback. I can’t name a single song but I heard they’re popular even though they’re terrible.
Optimist Prime: If you were in a movie, you’d be in Smack to the Future.
Me: I don’t mind because that’s a great movie.
Optimist Prime: But I mean the second one.
Me: Ouch! That’s cold.
The Fonz: Maybe you should smack for your vacation.
Me: What?
The Fonz: Like pack for your vacation.
Me: You’re the one who needs a vacation because you look a little tired. Does your back hurt from getting beaten so badly? Maybe you should see a smackupuncturist.
The Fonz: What?
Me: Do you need any Clearasil to clear up your smackne?
Optimist Prime: Huh?
Me: Before I do the next one, what author are you more familiar with, Jack Kerouac or Cormac McCarthy?
Optimist Prime: Neither.
Me: Maybe you should wear a diaper in case you get so scared you have a smackcident.
The Fonz and Optimist Prime: Can we go to bed early tonight?
The Good Greatsby 
ajg
October 11, 2011
CorSmack McCarthy!
Can you think of a lead in for The Smacks of Life? Maybe featuring Smackenzie Austin?
The Good Greatsby
October 12, 2011
You take the good, you take the bad.
sportsjim81
October 11, 2011
So have you decided what you’re going to be for Halloween? I’m guessing Count Smackula!
The Good Greatsby
October 12, 2011
I heard blood is his favorite smack.
Luda Kristen
October 11, 2011
Smack Kerouac is awesome.
The Good Greatsby
October 12, 2011
He’s certainly no smack novelist.
Brown Road Chronicles
October 11, 2011
You are as funny as Smack Black… or Jack Smack… or Jack Black!
The Good Greatsby
October 12, 2011
I’ll gladly take any of those.
She's a Maineiac
October 11, 2011
They should go by Nickelsmack, maybe then their songs would seem less terrible. I’ve always hated my blog name (I came up with it after a night of heavy drinking of Nyquil and found it’s too late to change it) but now I can finally change it to She’s a Maineismack. Thanks, G.G.
thelifeofjamie
October 11, 2011
Smack and the Beanstalk (pathetic I know, I just wanted to join the game and can’t think of anything good)
The Good Greatsby
October 12, 2011
It definitely works if you say, “Your loss was as giant as the one who chased Smack down the beanstalk.”
nancyfrancis
October 11, 2011
Are they into Dinosarus? I’d warn them about getting eaten by the Smackasaurous Rex.
The Good Greatsby
October 12, 2011
They’re not yet familiar with the king of the smack-talking dinosaurs.
sidmilb
October 11, 2011
My favorite was always, who? Jack Kerousmack.
I got harshed on FB this week for wishing the other team a good game and no injuries before OU/TX Saturday. Then someone mentioned the good Fletcher’s corn dogs they could have at the Texas State Fair, which I could not.
Buttons were pushed, and some asses were smacked. (No pun here, just smack.) And I’m not just talking about the Texas asses: 55-17.
But Texas is a good team; they’ll be smack next year.
…crumbling. What have you DONE to me, Good Greatsby?
pegoleg
October 11, 2011
Your kids have brilliant careers as comedians ahead of them! Also years of therapy.
The Good Greatsby
October 12, 2011
But if they make the therapist laugh, he might be willing to give them a discount.
pegoleg
October 12, 2011
Does that work for you?
The Good Greatsby
October 12, 2011
I’m certainly hoping for a group rate at the very least.
Amy
October 12, 2011
Leader of the smack!
You totally owned them with that “smackne” one. They didn’t even have a retort. They were smackjawed. Taken asmack. You sent them smacking.
Oy. I really gotta stop with the smack.
Laura
October 12, 2011
Want some smackadamia nuts to go with your smackaroni and cheese?
I’m surprised you’re having so much trouble with smack talk. This isn’t exactly rocket science, or even smackroeconomics. Zing!
pegoleg
October 12, 2011
Wish I’d said that.
Amy
October 12, 2011
“Smackroeconomics” – Awsesome!!
Random
October 12, 2011
I have to smacknowledge your brilliance — especially when it comes to messin’ with your kids.
The Good Greatsby
October 12, 2011
Thanks. I hope you’ll be coming smack.
Joy
October 12, 2011
Great Scott, Good Greatsby. That was smacktastic, I mean I was totally laughing out loud. I love your blog, it is smackrific, smackulous, errr- I just ran out of smack.
The Good Greatsby
October 12, 2011
I’m so flattered by your compliments–I might have a heart asmack.
John Erickson
October 12, 2011
I have no ability to smack talk. Never have. It’s a talent I smack.
The Good Greatsby
October 12, 2011
But it seems like you’re on the right smack.
gerknoop
October 12, 2011
I don’t think I’d be very good at smack either…..no really…..can’t think of a thing! What a loser!
gojulesgo
October 12, 2011
I’m also terrible with insults, but I wouldn’t sell yourself short – this was smacktacular.
…Looks like I’m pretty bad with compliments, too.
The Good Greatsby
October 12, 2011
But still I’ll smackcept your compliment.
jeane
October 12, 2011
Brilliant post…but I think I might need to go to bed early too; however, I might read of few pages of Smacker in the Rye first.
Snoring Dog Studio
October 12, 2011
I had quite the laugh asmack over this! I almost spewed my smack of lamb! I need a glass of Smack Daniels right now.
I am so miserably bad at this.
k8edid
October 12, 2011
Too much smacktivity on here. Smaccolades on your brilliant parenting smactics. Have you shown them how to do jumping smacks and will they be carving Smack-O-Lanterns for Halloween?
pattisj
October 12, 2011
I’m smacking my bag and smiting the road.
Lenore Diane
October 12, 2011
Best dialogue with the kids – ever. Smack’taculous!
A Broad at Home
October 12, 2011
Methinks this post has just opened your blog up for a whole slew of Google searches involving “smack” aka heroin. Enjoy the new clientele!
educlaytion
October 13, 2011
People of a certain age might remember The Rat Smack but I prefer the Brat Smack. One common misconception though is that John Cusmack was a part of that group.
the island traveler
October 14, 2011
Smackterrific my friend! Fun, funny, entertaining. As for macarroni and cheese…my son thinks its the best food around! Thanks for such an enjoyable post. You have a way to bring the words to life…in a smacknificent way!
S. Trevor Swenson
October 16, 2011
Old Smack Donald Had a farm…eee I eee I oh
sidmilb
October 17, 2011
Mwa ha ha ha. You just made me laugh and forget a drunken transgression from last night. Smack you, Trevor.
wait…
Mwa ha ha ha. It’s getting better each time.
Lunar Euphoria
October 16, 2011
Smack downs from Smack Daddy.