Browsing All posts tagged under »satire«

The Fonz Celebrates His Birthday by Pausing for Breath

April 29, 2013

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My youngest son The Fonz recently celebrated his ninth birthday. The last year witnessed him achieving numerous milestones such as working up the nerve to ask his crush’s name then forgetting it immediately; going an entire week without putting any of his clothes on backwards; and for the first time pausing for breath and giving […]

When I Become Famous: The First 24 Hours

April 10, 2013

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As a kid I never dreamed of being famous. Instead, I dreamed of having a friend who was famous and then telling that person what to do. I wouldn’t want to be famous myself because once I became famous I assume people would look at me with certain expectations, like a famous person should be […]

Dear Game of Thrones, Season 3: Please Don’t Suck

March 29, 2013

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Dear Game of Thrones, Season 3, Please don’t suck. I’ve been let down by television before, and I don’t think I could bear getting hurt again. Lately, I’ve felt television has been taking advantage of our relationship, violating our agreement that it would provide me with mindless escapism in exchange for me ignoring my family […]

‘Are You Going Out Tonight?’ My Kids Ask Hopefully

March 26, 2013

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I often wear earplugs when writing in my office, and when I come out I’ve learned I can leave the earplugs in and still understand what the children are saying, because they’re invariably asking one of two questions: ‘Are you going out tonight?’ and ‘What time will you be home?’ I was a kid once, […]

That’s the Way the Cookie Crumbles

March 8, 2013

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A South Carolina man was charged with stealing $19,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies, or 450 cases. Police were able to apprehend the man after asking the public to be on the lookout for anyone exhibiting any suspicious behavior, like gaining two hundred pounds in a day. Parents may want to clip this article to […]

Dream a Little Dream for Me…Or Else

March 1, 2013

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My 11-year-old recently asked me, “When I was little did you have any dreams for what you wanted me to be when I grew up?” I thought about his question for a moment before answering, “I always dreamed you’d grow up to be the president’s son.” There are still so many things I want to […]

The Art of Excuses: Lesson 1

February 22, 2013

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If January is the time for setting New Year’s resolutions, February is the time for spinning our failure to reach those resolutions. All February long people keep asking you about January’s public proclamation to lose weight, write a book, or stop making public proclamations. Now is the time for excuses. If you’re an excuse rookie […]

It Takes Two to Tangle

February 13, 2013

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When people ask me what’s the best part of being a parent, I answer, ‘Mind your own business.’ I prefer to avoid parenting conversations because I don’t want to admit the thing I like best about my two children is all the excuses they provide. ‘I wish we could help you move, but we don’t […]

Thank You for Inviting Us to Dinner: Please Be Aware of the Following Dietary Restrictions

January 30, 2013

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Thank you again for your gracious dinner invitation. My family and I look forward to attending tomorrow. As I mentioned on the phone my family has a few small dietary restrictions you should be aware of when preparing your menu. We’re vegetarians. Mostly. We’ll only eat meat under extraordinary circumstances. Like revenge. All dairy is […]

Sad News for Boring Romantics

January 18, 2013

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A couple who met on Facebook after realizing they shared the same name, Kelly Hildebrandt, have decided to divorce after three years of marriage, as reported by news organizations all over the world. Discouraged couples everywhere are asking themselves the same question: If a couple who based their marriage on having the same name can’t […]

3.5 Feet of Bad Blood

January 9, 2013

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While staying at a hotel last week on Thailand’s Phi Phi Island, I noticed a paper taped to the mirror, itemizing specific charges for damaging hotel property. Two charges caught my eye for their macabre specificity: 13 Bed 3.5 feet bloody 4550 (approx. US $150) 14 Bed 6 feet bloody 7800 (approx. US $257) I […]

Gangnam Style for Peace

January 2, 2013

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I approach this new year 2013 with great optimism as I have grounds to believe this might be the year mankind finally sets aside its differences and unites in a spirit of peace and harmony. In the 1989 film Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Rufus travels back in time to tell Bill and Ted they […]