
Parents dread their children reaching the age when they have to give them ‘the talk’. You keep putting it off, thinking your kid isn’t old enough to be interested in such adult issues, but procrastination may put your child at risk. Yes, I couldn’t put it off any longer and this week I decided it was time to give my children the talk on the dangers of time travel.
Parents know they have an obligation to teach their kids about sex, avoiding drugs, never drinking and driving, and excusing yourself to the bathroom before the check arrives, but time travel is potentially much more dangerous. You never know what kids are up to behind closed doors, and isn’t it possible they might be working on a time machine in there? And isn’t there a slight chance the machine will be successful and they’ll go back in time, change history, tear the fabric of the universe, and as we’re sucked into a giant black hole everyone will call me a bad parent?
I recently reviewed the family rule with my 8-year-old son Apollo Fonzarelli.
Dad: What do you know about time travel?
Fonz: Not much. Just that it can destroy the world.
Dad: That’s right. It can destroy the world if you go back to the past and make changes. You know the family rule about time travel, right?
Fonz: We can’t do it. What if we’d die if we didn’t time travel?
Dad: In what situation would you die if you didn’t time travel?
Fonz: What if you went really far into the future and there was a black hole?
Dad: But what were you doing in the future? What’s the point in asking if it’s okay to time travel to save your life and get away from the black hole if you already broke the family rule by traveling to the future?
Fonz: No. I mean someone tied you up and sent you to the future and a black hole.
Dad: Then it would be okay to time travel away from the black hole. What do you do if you see another kid time traveling?
Fonz: Um…
Dad: You tell an adult. If you see a kid time traveling, you tell an adult. What if all the cool kids are going back in time? Would you do it?
Fonz: I would say why not go in the future and bring something back that hasn’t been invented yet and make a billion dollars.
Fonz: Like a transgobulator.
Dad: What’s a transgobulator?
Fonz: Huh?
Dad: A transgobulator?
Fonz: What’s a transgobulator?
Dad: I’m asking you. You just said you’d go in the future and get a transgobulator.
Fonz: What’s a transgobulator?
Dad: Forget it. You should never, never time travel, even if all the cool kids are doing it. What if your friend tells you it’s for a good cause? What would you do if your friend told you to jump in his time machine so you could go back in time and save Abraham Lincoln from being assassinated?
Fonz: He got assassinated?
…..
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mimijk
September 17, 2012
I think you handled this delicate topic with incredible sensitivity. It clearly shows you are well-poised to address the easier topics like sex and drugs and flossing.
The Good Greatsby
September 17, 2012
I totally forgot kids are supposed to floss. That’s another thing to add to the list.
Bridgesburning Chris King
September 17, 2012
I understand you don’t want to be called a bad parent but do consider if you are creating a bubble wrap kid. That might be worse.
The Good Greatsby
September 17, 2012
I never even considered the possibility that any of my behavior could have an influence on my kids.
Bridgesburning Chris King
September 18, 2012
You? Never – I must have been thinking of some other gent!
Michelle Gillies
September 17, 2012
These are the conversations that make me wish I had children. 🙂
The Good Greatsby
September 17, 2012
Kids are also good at refilling drinks.
Michael
September 17, 2012
Now I’m wondering just what exactly is a transgobulator. Sounds Calvinesque. Calvin as in the comic strip, not John Calvin the theologian.
The Good Greatsby
September 17, 2012
He better not be getting into John Calvin. I’m not ready to have the Calvinism talk with him.
Hippie Cahier
September 17, 2012
If Bill and Ted’s parents had had this talk, things might not have gone afoot at the Circle K.
The Good Greatsby
September 17, 2012
I think Bill and Ted’s parents skipped a lot of the important talks.
Ape No. 1
September 17, 2012
One day you need to run into his classroom dressed in an identical outfit to the Fonz claiming that you are the Fonz from the future and that you need his help to clean up the time travel mess that he/you have created.
The Good Greatsby
September 17, 2012
That sounds like the perfect and most practical plan for teaching him this valuable lesson.
mistyslaws
September 17, 2012
Uh-oh, he knows of the transgobulator? I hate to break this to you GG, but I’m afraid your son is already dabbling in the dark art of time travel. You might want to search his closet for a hidden phone booth or Delorian. Quick, before it’s too late! You don’t wanna mess with a transgobulator. Nothing but disaster can come of it!!
The Good Greatsby
September 17, 2012
He did seem especially cagey when I asked him about the transgobulator.
Glynis Sylvia
September 17, 2012
Forget Lincoln ! You didn’t expressly forbid him from time travelling backwards just a few days to watch his teacher construct the test, so he’d know exactly what questions to study.
The Good Greatsby
September 17, 2012
It makes me wonder if Lincoln wasn’t assassinated in the alternated universe he created as part of his time travel meddling.
zannyro
September 17, 2012
OH…MY….LORD…..My parents never had this talk with me…….I’ve been time traveling since the age of two…..DOES THIS MEAN I’M RESPONSIBLE FOR GLOBAL WARMING??? HAVE I CAUSED THE KARDASHIAN WORLD DOMINATION DEBACLE??? WOULD THE DODO BIRD STILL EXIST????? OH THE HUMANITY !!!!! (Does this mean I have to cancel my trip to 1776?, because I really wanted to do a little shopping with Paul Revere…DRAT.
The Good Greatsby
September 17, 2012
I guess your parents assumed they didn’t have to worry about you starting at such a young age. This is why parents can’t make any assumptions when it comes to their kids and time travel.
Todd Pack
September 17, 2012
I do wish I could travel back in time, but only by 10 or 15 seconds, just long enough to avoid an accident or saying something stupid.
The Good Greatsby
September 17, 2012
10 or 15 seconds would also be useful for guessing the punchline of other people’s stories.
List of X
September 17, 2012
My parents said time traveling is ok, but only if I travel to the future for just one second ahead and make sure the trip takes exactly one second. And that I could only do that on the weekends and holidays.
The Good Greatsby
September 18, 2012
Those rules seem like a gateway to trouble. We have to have a zero tolerance policy with our kids.
Laura
September 18, 2012
When I was a kid, I saw another kid time-travel, and I told an adult, but the adult turned out to be the same kid from the future, and she just said “tell me something I DON’T know” and rolled her eyes at me. It was kind of humiliating.
The Good Greatsby
September 18, 2012
I probably won’t tell him that story. I don’t want him to have an excuse.
spilledinkguy
September 18, 2012
It seems like if I could go back in time this comment might be… better.
But probably not.
The Good Greatsby
September 18, 2012
But it could be pretty frustrating if you went to all the trouble of building a time machine and went back in time and found you couldn’t think of anything better.
becomingcliche
September 18, 2012
I am with you. It’s important to teach kids to avoid gateway activities, whether those are gateways to drug use or other dimensions. I admire your fortitude. It isn’t always easy to have these talks.
The Good Greatsby
September 18, 2012
It’s pretty awkward and I worry that even talking about it will give him ideas he didn’t previously have.
susielindau
September 18, 2012
Kids these days and their transgobulators. Will that be on his next spelling test? I’m not sure that I spelled it right…
The Good Greatsby
September 18, 2012
I’m not sure I spelled it right either. I tried to look it up in the dictionary with no success.
susielindau
September 18, 2012
I was too tired this afternoon to even page up and see how you spelled it! It is Monday for 4 more hours…
The Good Greatsby
September 18, 2012
I couldn’t find transgobulator in an encyclopedia either. I’m starting to suspect it may not even exist…yet.
susielindau
September 18, 2012
Maybe the Fonz can invent one someday!
The Good Greatsby
September 18, 2012
I am actually worried that the future Fonz invented one and somehow got it back to the past version of himself. That’s why the present Fonz clammed up once he realized he’d let the name slip
susielindau
September 18, 2012
Wait. What? Wow! That transgobulator really works!
bearmancartoons
September 18, 2012
What if they already time travelled and if they don’t do it again you wouldn’t be here. Maybe the Fonz is your grandpa too.
The Good Greatsby
September 18, 2012
You just blew my mind.
dianasschwenk
September 18, 2012
haha – love it!
Barbara Bamber | justasmidgen
September 18, 2012
Hahaha.. awesome!! I’m so glad to have found your blog, it made my night.. totally!! 😀
The Good Greatsby
September 18, 2012
Thanks for stopping by.
Soma Mukherjee
September 18, 2012
Oh my goodness i am going to talk to my daughter about time travel as soon as she comes back from school. that transgobulator thing is scary specially when the one who said it doesnt know anything about it..yikes.should i call her in the school and talk to her now!
The Good Greatsby
September 18, 2012
I hope it’s not too late.
Barb
September 18, 2012
No…Abraham Lincoln was a vampire slayer You’ll have to go back further in time to get the details for the Fonze. (fun piece)
The Good Greatsby
September 18, 2012
I hope his vampire slayer career wasn’t the result of an alternative reality the Fonz created.
TBM
September 18, 2012
I already had decent evidence that my parents didn’t prepare me for the world. this just proves it. We never had this conversation….and they didn’t tell me to floss either.
The Good Greatsby
September 18, 2012
People keep mentioning this flossing thing. How come I’d never heard about it until now?
Valentine Logar
September 18, 2012
I just knew there was a problem, dang. Now I will have to go back and fix my sons. I wonder, hmmmm can I really fix them? Just a temporary fix mind you.
The Good Greatsby
September 18, 2012
Do you mean go back in time and fix them so they don’t time travel? If they’ve already time-traveled I think the damage is done.
suzicate
September 18, 2012
…and you never know how many times you both will refer back to the importance of this conversation! You know if you get the time travel thing down pat you might be able to skip the sex talk!
The Good Greatsby
September 20, 2012
Maybe I can skip the sex talk and just use time travel to change the past if he ever screws up.
Lorna's Voice
September 19, 2012
Just wait until you have to have “the talk” with him about the iPhone 6… I don’t envy you one little bit. The transgogulator may come in pretty handy then, eh?
The Good Greatsby
September 20, 2012
We’re hoping to put off the iPhone talk until the iPhone 14.
Lorna's Voice
September 20, 2012
Good luck with that. Kids are pretty savvy about what’s new, cool and will make them popular.
Binky
September 19, 2012
Kids these days have no concept of time or travel or anything like that. They’re going to make a mess of time and we’re going to be the ones that have to patch it all up. Maybe you should go back in time and explain the dangers of it to him again.
The Good Greatsby
September 20, 2012
I’m worried he’s going to time travel and then go back and change the past so I never gave him the talk and he can say he was blameless.
Mental Wanderlust King
September 19, 2012
That’s rough, but what makes it even harsher is that it looks like you had to have the “Lincoln Talk” too.
The Good Greatsby
September 20, 2012
True. I didn’t think he was ready for the Lincoln talk but it just slipped out.
Hermionejh
September 19, 2012
That’s hilarious.
Hermionejh
September 19, 2012
and holy hell, I knew about the transmogrifier, but not the transgobulator!
The Good Greatsby
September 20, 2012
I didn’t know about it either. I’m not sure the Fonz even knows about it.
Audrey
September 20, 2012
You should know that the transgobulator is the bestest invention ever.
The Good Greatsby
September 20, 2012
From what year did you make that comment?
Audrey
September 21, 2012
I really shouldn’t say – it might cause problems in a parallel universe…
HoaiPhai
October 15, 2012
What? You have a family rule against time travel? It’s policy in my house… my wife keeps dredging up the past and inserting it into current conversation.