When you’re just a kid you look at all the life ahead of you as a series of milestones: I can’t wait to be a teenager. I can’t wait to get my driver’s license. I can’t wait to get a fake driver’s license. I can’t wait to have sex for the first time. I can’t wait to have good sex for the first time. I can’t wait to live away from my parents. I can’t wait to move back in with my parents and have toilet paper again. I can’t wait to get married. I can’t wait to get remarried, and this time to someone with money. I can’t wait to have kids. I can’t wait for the kids to move out.
We all share a handful of universal milestones. The only ones I have left are the kids leaving the house and death.
I’m not looking forward to either.
Our kids recently spent a month in America visiting our families, and my wife and I had a glimpse of our future lives together without the kids. It was a scary prospect. I don’t think we ate a vegetable or went to bed before 1:00AM for a month.
Optimist Prime and The Fonz at the airport.
Kids force you to be responsible. You have to get up early so you can get them off to school. You have to prepare a dinner that includes vegetables because one of the greatest rewards of parenting is forcing your kids to eat vegetables. My wife and I will eat broccoli and say, “Mmmm,” in unison and then smile at the kids. And when they take that first bite of broccoli, the look of disgust on their faces is just priceless. My wife and I will exchange a look of satisfaction and I know we’re both thinking the same thing: This is why we do it. This is why we got into parenting.
Kids forced us to be responsible. But I had kind of hoped the responsibility would stick when the kids were no longer around. While the kids were gone we wore every item of clothing we owned before finally surrendering and doing laundry. The kitty litter was only changed right before guests came over. We only went to the grocery store once. Once in a whole month! I’ve forgotten what fruit tastes like.
If the kids ever leave I worry we’ll be dead in 6 months.
While the kids were gone Mrs. Greatsby decided she wanted to paint the kids’ room. We moved the bunk beds away from the wall and found 37 socks underneath. 37 socks! We’re constantly buying them new socks and a week later they’ve disappeared. My wife and I looked at those 37 socks and then exchanged a look, and I knew we were both thinking the same thing: This is not why we do it. This is not why we got into the parenting game.
37 Socks!
If the kids leave, whom will we lecture about responsibility? Who will we judge? Who will make us feel superior? Who will provide the foil that makes us look like adults?
Responsibility is just so boring. I’m tired of being an adult. When I picked up the kids at the airport and we were riding home in the taxi, my 9-year-old son The Fonz turned to me and said something profound: “You know what I really like? Fun things.”
Me too.
The Good Greatsby 
artjen1971
August 22, 2013
Paul, you are so funny! ( and devastatingly handsome…)
The Good Greatsby
August 22, 2013
I couldn’t have asked for a better start to the comments.
One Classy Motha
August 22, 2013
My kids aren’t leaving the house for at least 14 more years but I’ve already started reading up on the care and treatment of bedsores.
angelajardine
August 22, 2013
Ooo, good thinking … and false teeth.
dreamweaveroh2
August 22, 2013
Ah…so, you are thinking of going into nursing? Bedsores have a terrible reputation when in fact they serve a useful purpose. You won’t find a better appetite suppressant. Thirty pounds found their way to my butt via Goggle maps when I retired from nursing.
angelajardine
August 22, 2013
My last comment was a reply to One Classy Motha … (thought I had better clarify that in case you thought the dementia was gaining the upper hand which, come to think of it, it is … that’s another thing to look forward to when the kids leave home)
The Good Greatsby
August 22, 2013
Will the dementia make me forget every Hollywood movie is terrible and trick me into seeing bad movies?
angelajardine
August 22, 2013
Sadly, yes … it’ll also make you class all the very worst food as ‘a beautiful meal’ … and as you’ll forget all about vegs (looks like you have a head start on that) you’ll be constipated and spend a fortune on … er … those things that stop you being bunged up (sorry … I forget the name of them).
mistyslaws
August 22, 2013
Well, at the rate that children leave their parents homes these days, you and your wife will probably only have another good 6 months anyway. I think you’re square.
P.S. Your kids are too stinking adorable. Must take after your wife.
The Good Greatsby
August 22, 2013
We’re doing everything we can to prevent them from leaving. Step 1 is to slowly erode their confidence and convince them the world is a scary, scary place.
Elyse
August 22, 2013
Socks aren’t fun. Especially when you have to buy your own.
The Good Greatsby
August 22, 2013
Maybe we should make them buy their own socks from now on. Also their own tupperware. They can never keep track of that either.
joehoover
August 22, 2013
I’ve always used my cat as a child replacement, I rushed her to the vat when she fell and hurt herself, I cared for her when she threw up over my bedsheets this week. It’s pretty much the same thing, I just don’t need to buy socks.
The Good Greatsby
August 22, 2013
We have a cat and that didn’t seem to be enough to keep us responsible. We might need to get a few more once the kids are gone.
joehoover
August 22, 2013
Watch the cat to people ratio though, it should never swing in their favour.
angelajardine
August 22, 2013
… because if they ever develop opposable thumbs you’re really stuffed!
Ian Webster
August 22, 2013
Just checking, do you rush to the vat in every emergency? Is it a private vat? Does the brewery fill it for you, or do you brew your own. It’s a marvellous idea. “Sorry kids, the boss didn’t like my presentation; I’m going to the vat.” Mmmmmm 🙂
joehoover
August 22, 2013
They really should install spellcheck on comments 🙂
Chas Spain
August 22, 2013
Hi Joe I hope the vat wasn’t one that was filled with hot oil – that could be un-nice – lol
joehoover
August 22, 2013
If she pukes on my bed again it may well be
Chas Spain
August 23, 2013
That might be pet psychology territory. (Not that I’m a specialist, although I was a vet by trade a while ago.)
joehoover
August 23, 2013
My cat has issues?? She has an eating disorder in that she can’t stop eating, I think that’s linked to the puking
Caitlin @ The Siren's Tale
August 22, 2013
So I wonder for those of us that are childless but already insanely responsible… will we go buck wild when we have kids, throwing all caution to the wind? Hmm…
The Good Greatsby
August 22, 2013
Maybe. Or maybe you’ll be pushed to an almost insane level of anal retentiveness.
Caitlin @ The Siren's Tale
August 22, 2013
Hey, either way – that sounds promising. Ha!
Chas Spain
August 22, 2013
I love that sock pic – the only thing different to our sock pile is that I spotted pairs straight away. We did the crazy thing of starting to have children very late and then dragging it out to have a third child really late – which is very unwise if you want to reach a state of dribbling late into the night in front of any old rubbish on the TV at a sensible age. Friends and family members of ours who found themselves pregnant at c18 (and were met with much head shaking and tightened lips at the time by our elders) are now globe trotting, tennis playing, where will we go out for dinner tonight darling? bastards.
The Good Greatsby
August 23, 2013
We already did the globe trotting with the kids in tow. I guess that just leaves taking up tennis.
Chas Spain
August 23, 2013
Your two look very gorgeous and I bet they are great company. To be fair ours were pretty good travellers as kids and it’s so nice to see the world through their eyes.
Saw our oldest off to Paris for a Uni study tour last year and she returned all in one piece with all her belongings.
I think there should be a parent award for this!
1pointperspective
August 22, 2013
By the time your last child leaves, the first will be back. The concept of being an empty nester is a pipe-dream.
The Good Greatsby
August 22, 2013
That’s good to hear. I just hope neither one of them will ever be able to make it on their own for any amount of time longer than 6 months.
lyndzeerae27
August 22, 2013
Haha loved this post! I feel the exact same way 🙂
She's a Maineiac
August 22, 2013
This was so hilarious! I can relate to everything. The broccoli, the 37 socks. The wanting to have fun and never do laundry again or eat fruit. The only thing I might have going for me is death will more than likely come before my kids leave home. You should have had your kids at an older age like me.
The Good Greatsby
August 23, 2013
I wanted to have kids early because I imagined myself in my early forties hanging out with my adult sons, backpacking, hiking, and engaging in other wholesome outdoor activities. It wasn’t until the kids were already born that I realized I hate all those wholesome outdoor activities.
pegoleg
August 23, 2013
The bizarre thing is when they’re adults, not only will they no longer listen to you on important topics like socks and vegetables, you might end up doing decidedly unwholesome things with them, like going out drinking. Very bizarre.
She's a Maineiac
August 23, 2013
Well, your first problem was assuming that in your forties you’d want to do anything but sit on the couch, G. Even that can be exhausting for me.
She's a Maineiac
August 23, 2013
Unwholesome things with my kids — like drinking? Finally, I have something to look forward to, Pegnacious! Bless you.
The Good Greatsby
August 23, 2013
It’s already so expensive having to buy drinks for my wife every time we go out. I draw the line at buying drinks for the kids.
dianasschwenk
August 22, 2013
From the mouths of babes come words of wisdom! My daughter and all her little friends never wear matching socks (you know how they can disappear in the dryer) This way you never have to keep the lone sock in case the other show up. You can continue to wear it without having to match socks in the laundry. Further to that, it’s cool to wear mismatched socks and prints, etc. Brilliant!
The Good Greatsby
August 23, 2013
I’d pass along your tip to my son but I don’t want to encourage him.
Jackie Cangro
August 23, 2013
My dog Reggie tends to eat my socks. I end up buying a lot of new socks, but I don’t wonder where they’ve disappeared to…
The Good Greatsby
August 23, 2013
Buying new socks won’t break the bank, but it’s the not knowing that drives us crazy.
Snoring Dog Studio
August 23, 2013
Yeah, as one who did it, I can assure you that at least one of your kids will return in adulthood. And stay for awhile. You will hope and pray for solitude and the peace of your own home again. Enjoy these little, frivolous breaks from your children now. An adult kid in your house will just create more laundry and add to your grocery and phone bills. Don’t ask them to do any weeding, either. The result won’t be good.
The Good Greatsby
August 23, 2013
Noted. We live in a major metropolis and don’t currently have a yard so asking them to weed probably won’t be an issue.
The Guat
August 23, 2013
HA! This is was a good post I often thought of my life in milestones … I’m still in the “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific” phase. And finding the missing socks behind/under the bed … dude. That was awesome, but the best part was your son. Love that quote! No wonder he’s The Fonz 🙂
The Good Greatsby
August 23, 2013
There’s only one Fonz. Except for that other, more famous Fonz.
belleofthecarnival
August 23, 2013
Now I just feel guilty because I am really looking forward to being childfree at 45.
The Good Greatsby
August 23, 2013
And now’s the time to start laying the seeds to make them feel guilty as well so they’ll never leave.
belleofthecarnival
August 23, 2013
Hmmm. I will miss them. It will be terrible. I will have to bribe them with groceries to visit.
pegoleg
August 23, 2013
It is a scary time when the kids move out and you have nobody to boss around. I recommend a career change to teacher at that time.
Paul, Paul, Paul. I’m in the middle of a huge project that will mean life and death to my business, so of course I took a break to goof off and look around my archives. There I encountered all sorts of caption contest nonsense from 2 years ago. Good times, good times.
How’s life treating you nowadays?
The Good Greatsby
August 23, 2013
Those certainly were good times. I’m doing well. I always intend to post more but I grow busier and busier with work and other writing projects. I just started a new business and I do a lot of writing for Time Out Shanghai. I keep kidding myself that I’ll eventually get back to posting a few times a week and doing the caption contest once things slow down, but who’s to say things won’t just get busier and busier until culminating in my spontaneous combustion?
I hope your huge project is a smashing success and will allow you to goof off as much as you want in the future.
She's a Maineiac
August 23, 2013
Say wha….?! Caption contest and nonsense should never be in the same sentence, Pego-leg-o-my-eggo! Why, I’m still struggling with my reason to live now that GG retired it.
The Good Greatsby
August 23, 2013
I didn’t think anybody missed it. Do you think it’s time to bring it back?
She's a Maineiac
August 23, 2013
Oh sure! But only if you can rig it so I would be the only one who leaves a caption. That’s all I ask.
The Good Greatsby
August 24, 2013
If I remember correctly, I think you were the only one submitting captions by the end.
pegoleg
August 26, 2013
I always thought I should win even if I didn’t submit a caption.
She's a Maineiac
August 26, 2013
And somehow, I was still always losing.
Hank.
August 23, 2013
Um, so I think I spotted one of my socks in there. Also, what is fruit?
Hippie Cahier
August 23, 2013
After the euphoria of being vegetable-free wears off, you’re left with shoeboxes.
They just keep piling up, every time you need new shoes.
Sure, your kids are grown and off in the world, making names for themselves, living fulfilling lives, earning money to buy their own shoes, but every time you try to get rid of a shoebox, you are filled with a dread that one of them will call in the middle of the night to tell you that their diorama project is due in first period class tomorrow.
The Good Greatsby
August 23, 2013
Shoes aren’t sold in shoe boxes here in China, but luckily we’re just around the corner from a diorama shop.
becomingcliche
August 23, 2013
Some of those socks even match! I envy you.
You have one more milestone to look forward to – moving in with the kids. And then you come full circle and have to eat your vegetables again so they don’t put you on the street.
The Good Greatsby
August 24, 2013
I can’t wait to move in with the kids and hide my socks all over the place.
Aimee
August 23, 2013
So funny! Our youngest is about to go off to college and hubby and I looked at each other and said, “Who in the world is going to do all the chores??” One of the delights of parenting, aside from the vegetable thing, is teaching them to be responsible and clean up. (When they start driving, you can send THEM to the store to buy the broccoli!) Now I have to do my own dishes???? What?
The Good Greatsby
August 23, 2013
The prospect of doing dishes again is truly horrifying. I may never eat again.
susielindau
August 23, 2013
Priceless! Love the photos. I can see the mischief brewing in the Fonz. My kids are on their own. It goes fast. I’m still finding socks…
The Good Greatsby
August 24, 2013
Now it’s your turn to take those ancient socks and hide them at your kids’ houses.
susielindau
August 24, 2013
Great idea.
List of X
August 23, 2013
37 random socks? Sounds like you can look forward to a fun evening playing the Sock Bingo.
The Good Greatsby
August 23, 2013
I don’t know how ‘random’ the socks actually were. The whole thing smells deliberate to me.
List of X
August 23, 2013
Yeah, I bet there was a very deliberate smell.
Laura
August 23, 2013
I don’t have kids, so I’ve never found 37 socks under the bed. I do have cats, though, and your sock picture reminded me of what I found the last time I moved my couch: http://mycatswaterbowl.tumblr.com/post/52615384328/june-9-2013-technically-this-is-things-i-found
The Good Greatsby
August 24, 2013
Are you sure the cats pushed them under there? When I see all those toy mice I can’t help but wonder if they found their way under there to hide from the cats.
Laura
August 24, 2013
And then when I exposed them, they all played dead. Clever.
girlseule
August 23, 2013
This post really did make me laught out loud.
The Good Greatsby
August 24, 2013
That’s the best kind.
bluebee
August 23, 2013
Unmatched socks – a vexing problem in child-filled and child-free households, alike. There is a self-help book in there somewhere.
The Good Greatsby
August 24, 2013
Maybe it’s the socks that need a self-help book. Why don’t sock pairs ever manage to stay together?
georgettesullins
August 23, 2013
What beautiful, responsible kids you have doing their job, smiling, having a good time and traveling the world on your nickel.
The Good Greatsby
August 24, 2013
They made it there and back by themselves. At least someone in the family managed to be responsible.
gingergiant16
August 24, 2013
haha I had a little chuckle at this. Life is definitely measure by milestones, always wanting to be that little bit older and so on. I couldn’t want to be 16, now I wouldn’t mind being 10 again. Oh and the sock thing…. I’m 16 and i still find stray socks that have wangled there way from my washing basket to under my bed…some things never change.
The Good Greatsby
August 24, 2013
Socks just never seem to want to stay together. It’s sad that they never try and settle their differences before splitting.
gingergiant16
August 24, 2013
obviously the marriage counselors just aren’t that good.
Ellen Nguyen
August 24, 2013
I’m 19 years old and this post made me want to get married and have kids haha. Oh, this is just so sweet!
The Good Greatsby
August 24, 2013
If you love it when things go missing, having kids will give you a lot to look forward to.
kathrinjapan
August 25, 2013
When my son goes away to camp, I find the time with my husband is so much easier. I’m no longer needing him to “help me out” and hating him for his bad parenting skills. We fend for ourselves and finally get to have loud sex again. He’s a screamer…
HoaiPhai
August 25, 2013
Funny, I tend to do more shouting at the wife when she refuses to have sex with me.
donofalltrades
August 25, 2013
That broccoli at dinner isn’t going to do anything to keep them from leaving! I don’t much care that I’m not responsible since I think my wife will do ok to keep me in line when our kids leave, but I do worry about what we’ll talk about at dinner or while sitting on the couch once the kids are gone. We spend so much time yelling at them and asking them about home work and brushed teeth etc. that I can’t imagine we’ll have enough content to fill the void!
mirrorgirl
August 25, 2013
You have some smart kids:) Sounds like they really picked up that responsibilty:)
HoaiPhai
August 25, 2013
Don’t worry about a thing, Paul. You’ll get used to the kids not being around it you just think of them being around but they’re just around somewhere else. But if them not being around is something you dread, you’re doing it wrong. That “responsibility bit” you’re pulling will only result in O.P. and The Fonz getting responsible jobs (read: lots of nights and weekends) that pay well and that kind of success attracts high-class wives who won’t be unstable or particularly substance abusive. This means the boys will be spending all their time working and with their own families.
What I do is break up meals into courses…. the meat, veg, starch, and sugar courses and have a cigarette and increasingly strong alcohol at each course intermission. Fruit? Who needs it? I’ve found I can manage the bleeding gums the vitamin deficiency a fruit-free diet brings by crunching up styptic pencils and mixing it up with my toothpaste for my weekly brushings. We easily have 37 socks in the hallway from the front door to our living/dining/TV combo room, and that’s on nights company’s coming. This kind of lifestyle produces boomerang offspring — they’ll be back so often you won’t be able to keep up with all their new girlfriends’ names. My son is thirty and makes the 750 km trek to visit me every time his current GF enters rehab, he loses a job, or needs to borrow money for his expensive scurvy medication. And when he does visit he not only brings his dirty laundry but a couple of cases of my favourite hometown micro-brew beer! That, my friend, is what family is all about.
silkpurseproductions
September 2, 2013
Was there a good story behind the stash of socks when you asked them about it? Did they like the new paint? Usually, the painting doesn’t start until they are out of the house for good and you have earmarked the room for a different purpose. Be careful…it is a slippery slope.
littleblissbook
September 2, 2013
I find myself saying the same thing but in reverse. Kind of like wanting to live like Benjamin Button..aging but getting younger. Having kids is something I look forward to so I can experience that same amount of fun all over again into my old age, if my knees and back are still good to me that is.
By the way, I’ve nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award, not that you need any help gaining followers, but I linked to your blog regardless so my readers could discover yours:) http://littleblissbook.com/2013/09/01/oopsididitagain/
Rakhi, xx
Anna
September 2, 2013
I read this and now I feel all heart-warmed, and I’m not used to this feeling. I don’t tend to like kids, but your kids are super cute. Also, finding missing socks is a totally worthwhile way to pass the time… in the years to come when you need help opening tins and the suchlike, they will remember the kindness you bestowed upon them, and return the favour, albeit with a bit of smelliness.
laurenrantnrave
September 13, 2013
I am honored to be the 100th like of this post! I have a question, GG…Why did your kids spend the time with your families in the US and not you and Mrs. GG??
HolyFack
September 20, 2013
Oh man I can’t wait until these types of moments hit my life. So lucky.
brownponytail
September 29, 2013
your kids are too cute for words! they will be even more handsome than you!
i’ve been living with my brother and three cats for the past 4 years, and i definitely know what youre talking about. im a nagger. sadly… i constantly nag my brother to do his chores. he then tells me to go to hell, and leaves (he’s 24, im 27)- which leaves me doing his chores. he then comes back, apologizes, and for one week- one precious week- his chores are done in time- kitty litters cleaned out, own laundry done, cooking utensils cleaned and stored away when he’s done using them.
sadly, the guilt and good will wears off pretty fast, and the nag-responsibility-going to hell- cycle starts anew.
oh and im not counting the daily phone calls from my parents, telling me over and over again to take care of my brother, and watch out for him.
sometimes, i dont think i want kids. just a husband (which i will probably have to nag), cats and dogs. 😀
Anna Allen Chappell
January 20, 2014
a husband is just a taller kid …
Aishwarya
June 2, 2014
The Fonz looks so much like you 🙂