If you follow the news, or spy on the CIA, you’ve probably heard about CIA Director David Petraeus resigning after investigators discovered he was having an affair with his biographer.
Take this as a warning, wives: you thought you only had to worry about your husband getting too close to his secretary; now you have to worry about his official biographer.
Biographer is actually a great cover for a mistress. She loves your stories and tells you you’re an interesting person. That’s actually also a great job description for a wife.
For generations men have tried disguising their mistresses as secretaries, live-in personal trainers and basement inspectors, but biographer takes it to a whole new level. I’ve tried introducing my wife to my assistant fortuneteller, court-appointed psychologist and 24-hour stockbroker, but she was never convinced. Now I worry this Petraeus scandal is going to cost me my biographer, just when we were about to cover my spelling bee victories.
My wife has started asking suspicious questions:
“I was taking a look at the first few chapters and I’m wondering why your biographer has a chapter entitled ‘Paul’s Favorite 
Massages’?”
“What ever happened to last year’s biographer? That woman lived with us for a year and the book still hasn’t hit the shelves. Why is she now writing a biography of your best friend?”
“I don’t mind you having a female biographer, but couldn’t it have been Doris Kearns Goodwin?”
My wife doesn’t seem to believe any of my answers, and neither does Brian, her live-in landscape architect.
…..
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The Good Greatsby 
radsimply
November 14, 2012
LOL!
Tor Constantino, MBA (@torcon)
November 14, 2012
G2, specific to this topic, ANY external biographer would be preferred to the act of “autobiography” – if you know what I mean….
Vanessa Chapman
November 14, 2012
Haha! Brilliant, I like this comment almost as much as the post itself!
The Good Greatsby
November 14, 2012
Well-played.
Kharma
November 14, 2012
Great great great. I need to clean the coffee from my keyboard, but it’s totally worth the read.
The Good Greatsby
November 14, 2012
You need to get a live-in housekeeper for that. I have two.
Kharma
November 14, 2012
I think you’re onto something.
susielindau
November 14, 2012
He would have been much better off with a bimbo!
The Good Greatsby
November 14, 2012
I’ve made that same point to my wife.
WSW
November 14, 2012
I’ve heard Doris has bunny boiling tendencies. Your wife might want to be a little more careful what she wishes for.
The Good Greatsby
November 14, 2012
I’ll pass that along and cite you as the witness. I apologize in advance if Doris comes looking for you.
Snoring Dog Studio
November 14, 2012
Your wife shouldn’t underestimate Doris. I’ve heard stuff. She’s quite skilled. Empires have fallen because of her.
The Good Greatsby
November 14, 2012
She certainly worked her magic with LBJ.
Hippie Cahier
November 14, 2012
Doris is hiding something.
The Good Greatsby
November 14, 2012
There’s something hiding behind that smile. Something besides dentures.
Eireen
November 14, 2012
What about babysitters? Ours is Russian, young and stunningly attractive. Should I be worried? I guess not, because “babysitter” is not mentioned in your post as a category to worry about. So I guess I should only start worrying if the babysitter proposes to write my husband’s biography…?
The Good Greatsby
November 14, 2012
Some babysitters will try and move in on your territory and steal your husband. Some will only try and steal your children so maybe you have nothing to worry about.
zannyro
November 14, 2012
Do you think I should cancel Hubby’s trip to the Biographer’s convention scheduled for next week?
The Good Greatsby
November 14, 2012
No. I think you should express an interest in his biography and insist on accompanying him so you can find out if the convention really exists.
Kathryn McCullough
November 14, 2012
Does this make it masturbatory to write an autobiography? I’m doing a memoir. Granted these aren’t the same, but I’m just wondering.
TBM
November 14, 2012
I did enjoy this particular aspect of the scandal. I love to read biographies. Now I see them in a whole new light.
The Good Greatsby
November 14, 2012
I think kids would be much more interested in our leaders’ biographies if we sold them on that aspect.
Ricky Anderson
November 14, 2012
In order to write an accurate biography, you have to do your research. No bad could come of that. Nope, none at all.
Spectra
November 14, 2012
I don’t have a husband to worry about. But I think I could use my own full-time exterminator. Another category wives should be suspicous about: Make Up Artists. They will actually touch your husband in public without an ounce of moral shame. And full-time hairdressers. If he runs his hands through your husbands hair with too much passion, and emits “Ooooh La la” sounds in a gutteral tone, well, maybe viagra won’t fix your marital problems afterall.
The Good Greatsby
November 15, 2012
The hair stylist cover doesn’t work very well because it doesn’t take long before she asks, “If you have a live-in hair stylist, why does your hair always look like you just got out of bed?”
Spectra
November 15, 2012
touche’ !
mistyslaws
November 15, 2012
“She loves your stories and tells you you’re an interesting person.” If this is what your wife is like, you hold onto her and never let go. Because that isn’t anything like any wife I’VE ever met.
She's a Maineiac
November 15, 2012
True. I don’t think I’ve told my husband he was interesting since 2001.
The Good Greatsby
November 15, 2012
But maybe the burden should be on your husband to make himself more interesting.
Elyse
November 15, 2012
I’d take Doris over Paula any day. Doris is brilliant and hilarious.
Kim
November 15, 2012
I can’t wait to see all the “naughty biographer” Halloween costumes next year!!!!
pegoleg
November 15, 2012
I must admit I had been a little suspicious, but my husband says ALL official biographers get paid in cash, left on the dresser.
Tar-Buns @ Here and ThereSa
November 15, 2012
Ha ha!
becomingcliche
November 15, 2012
I am writing to the school board right this very second and demanding that they remove the entire 920 section from school libraries. It is the scourge of the Dewey Decimal system. Our children shouldn’t be exposed to such immorality. That’s what my live-in dog groomer says, anyway.
becca3416
November 15, 2012
Hilarious. I think if I ever get married I’ll go old school and get myself a personal plumber to clean my pipes once a week.
The Good Greatsby
November 15, 2012
Sounds risky. Your husband would have to be a fool to miss all those plumbing double entendres.
Life With The Top Down
November 15, 2012
Hilarious!
omawarisan
November 15, 2012
I’m afraid to find out if there was an illustrator for that book.
She's a Maineiac
November 15, 2012
Darn. So this means we’ll never know about your spelling bee wins. I am so bummed.
The Good Greatsby
November 15, 2012
A mere post would never do all the drama justice.
Laura
November 15, 2012
You just have to be careful about leaving a non-incriminating email trail. You should get in the habit of sending your biographer messages like “I think we made great progress reviewing my spelling bee record and not having sex today.”
The Good Greatsby
November 15, 2012
I need to be more ambiguous when sending emails to my mistress. I’ve got to stop using subject lines like ‘sure enjoying that affair we’re having’.
cooper
November 15, 2012
I have a live-in housekeeping biographer…i’m in serious trouble here…
spilledinkguy
November 15, 2012
I’m sure your wife’s live-in landscape architect is no Frederick Law Olmstead.
thesinglecell
November 18, 2012
It’s true. Nothing is sacred anymore. Even the damned biographers. Next we’ll learn the cable guy and the pizza delivery person are in it for more than tips.
renée a. schuls-jacobson
November 19, 2012
So if I understand you properly, you saying I should not be concerned about my husband’s 3 attractive female “lab technicians” or his weekly “golf lesson,” during which time he is 100% unreachable. Thanks Greatsby. I’ll only worry if someone wants to write his memoir. Or start landscaping. 😉
facelikeafryingpan
November 20, 2012
Due to your extreme awesomeness, I have nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blog award. Here is the link: http://theembiggensproject.wordpress.com/2012/11/19/embiggening-and-inspiring-who-knew/
Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants
November 20, 2012
My kid’s pediatrician’s secretary is pretty hot. I think she got hired for reasons outside of the fact that she seems very capable, handles those incoming calls like a pro, and is great with kids…… Or maybe, she was just qualified. I’ll always wonder!
HoaiPhai
November 21, 2012
Official biographer, eh? Thanks for the idea. My wife is starting to get suspicious that every Saturday night I shave, shower and get gussied up 15 minutes before the same police woman arrives to serve me with a warrant that “gets thrown out on a technicality” early Sunday morning.