Just When You Thought It Was Safe for Your Husband to Have an Official Biographer

Posted on November 14, 2012


If you follow the news, or spy on the CIA, you’ve probably heard about CIA Director David Petraeus resigning after investigators discovered he was having an affair with his biographer.

Take this as a warning, wives: you thought you only had to worry about your husband getting too close to his secretary; now you have to worry about his official biographer.

Biographer is actually a great cover for a mistress. She loves your stories and tells you you’re an interesting person. That’s actually also a great job description for a wife.

For generations men have tried disguising their mistresses as secretaries, live-in personal trainers and basement inspectors, but biographer takes it to a whole new level. I’ve tried introducing my wife to my assistant fortuneteller, court-appointed psychologist and 24-hour stockbroker, but she was never convinced. Now I worry this Petraeus scandal is going to cost me my biographer, just when we were about to cover my spelling bee victories.

My wife has started asking suspicious questions:

“I was taking a look at the first few chapters and I’m wondering why your biographer has a chapter entitled ‘Paul’s Favorite Massages’?”

“What ever happened to last year’s biographer? That woman lived with us for a year and the book still hasn’t hit the shelves. Why is she now writing a biography of your best friend?”

“I don’t mind you having a female biographer, but couldn’t it have been Doris Kearns Goodwin?”

My wife doesn’t seem to believe any of my answers, and neither does Brian, her live-in landscape architect.


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Posted in: Columns