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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All posts tagged under »kids«
Saturday Surprise
While here in Edinburgh, friends have asked if I miss my kids, and I answer, “Who? Oh, right, I have kids.” Actually I do sometimes miss them, like last week when I dropped a coin into a sewer drain and could have utilized their tiny hands and arms to retrieve it, but mostly I miss the funny things they […]
Dear Good Greatsby: How Do I Convince My Children I’m Smarter Than They Are?
August 17, 2011
Today’s guest panelist will be my time-wasting robot, Philo T-2000, who has been watching reruns of Oprah to enable him to understand human emotions and give applicable advice. The first question comes from Jamie of The Life of Jamie. Allow me to recommend Jamie by saying she’s displayed excellent taste by disliking all the same […]
Saturday Souffle
August 13, 2011
When my wife and I spoke on the phone this week, I gave her instructions on what times of the day to feed our cat, Megatron. She wondered why I was telling her how to feed the cat when this had been her job for years; this was the moment my wife and I realized we’ve both been feeding the cat […]
Saturday Shuffle
July 30, 2011
On Thursday night my seven-year-old, The Fonz, lost a tooth while attending a rodeo/carnival. He told me the news and expected me to be excited, but I immediately quoted the ancient proverb: “He who loses his tooth at a carnival in the presence of many toothless carnies, is destined to grow up to be a […]
Motivate Yourself with Fake Rivalries
July 26, 2011
When I find myself lazy or lacking motivation in some important aspect of life, I try and outline the problem and set a series of goals to help me regain focus. When that doesn’t work, I try and invent rivalries and enemies in the hopes that I’ll gain inspiration through the desire to show them […]
Parenting Efficiency
July 25, 2011
Parents often feel guilty. They may feel guilty for not spending enough time with their kids. Or maybe they put in the hours, but they worry it’s not enough quality time. I don’t worry about the quantity of time versus quality of time debate because I only measure parental success in quantity of activities. Time […]
Have Water, Will Travel
July 19, 2011
What’s the first thing you pack when taking a trip? My wife and kids leave on a trip to the US tomorrow. My seven-year-old, The Fonz, asked if his mom would help him pack a bag, although he specified, “but no clothes.” His mom asked him what he planned to pack if not clothes and […]
Weekend Sampler
July 16, 2011
Yesterday I heard Optimist Prime shout out to his little brother, The Fonz, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?” The Fonz was on a different floor and shouted back, “Where are you?” I said to The Fonz, “Here’s a rule of thumb you can use the rest of your life: If someone shouts for […]
Sorting Hat, Please, Please Don’t Put Me In Hufflepuff!
July 14, 2011
If you’ve been a long-time reader, perhaps you remember my post, How to Tease Your Kids, extolling my love for teasing. If I ever lose my love for teasing, my love for my children will likely soon follow. If I couldn’t tease them, I’d probably be a lot less interested in parenting, which is why […]
Shallow End of the Gene Pool
July 13, 2011
A US company is marketing a DNA test for children that promises to determine whether your infant has the potential to be a star athlete. The test searches for the presence of the ACT3N gene which has been linked to athletic ability in one previous study. Critics suggest possessing one particular gene provides very little […]
Sunday Appetizers
July 10, 2011
Our seven-year-old, The Fonz, asked his mom, “If you had a zillion dollars would you spend it all on make-up?” She laughed but never answered. I assume she’s still thinking about it. ….. My wife said she needed a new philosophy for dealing with people because she felt she was too much of a pushover. […]
A True Class Clown Doesn’t Take a Summer Vacation
July 7, 2011
The doctor told my wife and I to sit down, always a sign of impending bad news. I hoped refusing to sit might somehow change our fate. “If you don’t mind, doc, I’d rather stand. Or maybe lie down on the floor. Or maybe lean against this coat rack over here. But give it to […]
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The Good Greatsby 
August 27, 2011
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