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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All posts tagged under »kids«
Dear Parents of Our Son’s Best Friend: Did You Hear Your Son Called Us the Coolest Parents?
Dear Parents of My Son’s Best Friend, As you may have heard, your son was visiting our home last week when he told our son, “You have the coolest parents.” If you hadn’t heard this news yet, maybe you should check your texts more often because I’ve sent you like twenty. This must be a […]
The Fonz Celebrates His Birthday by Pausing for Breath
April 29, 2013
My youngest son The Fonz recently celebrated his ninth birthday. The last year witnessed him achieving numerous milestones such as working up the nerve to ask his crush’s name then forgetting it immediately; going an entire week without putting any of his clothes on backwards; and for the first time pausing for breath and giving […]
‘Are You Going Out Tonight?’ My Kids Ask Hopefully
March 26, 2013
I often wear earplugs when writing in my office, and when I come out I’ve learned I can leave the earplugs in and still understand what the children are saying, because they’re invariably asking one of two questions: ‘Are you going out tonight?’ and ‘What time will you be home?’ I was a kid once, […]
Dream a Little Dream for Me…Or Else
March 1, 2013
My 11-year-old recently asked me, “When I was little did you have any dreams for what you wanted me to be when I grew up?” I thought about his question for a moment before answering, “I always dreamed you’d grow up to be the president’s son.” There are still so many things I want to […]
It Takes Two to Tangle
February 13, 2013
When people ask me what’s the best part of being a parent, I answer, ‘Mind your own business.’ I prefer to avoid parenting conversations because I don’t want to admit the thing I like best about my two children is all the excuses they provide. ‘I wish we could help you move, but we don’t […]
Thank You for Inviting Us to Dinner: Please Be Aware of the Following Dietary Restrictions
January 30, 2013
Thank you again for your gracious dinner invitation. My family and I look forward to attending tomorrow. As I mentioned on the phone my family has a few small dietary restrictions you should be aware of when preparing your menu. We’re vegetarians. Mostly. We’ll only eat meat under extraordinary circumstances. Like revenge. All dairy is […]
Vacationing with the Greatsbys
December 26, 2012
The Greatsbys spent Christmas in Phuket, Thailand. After dinner with friends, Mrs. Greatsby and the children retired and I spent a lovely Christmas Eve evening on our hotel balcony overlooking the dark ocean while enjoying the distant strains of house bands entertaining Christmas Eve galas all over the island. A little known fact about Asia: […]
An Interview with Optimist Prime–Part 3
December 4, 2012
My 11-year-old son Optimist Prime has enjoyed a recent run of success as both the QB of his football team and the star of a theatrical production of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. We’re anxious to have him around more as these two commitments often totaled seven to eight practices/rehearsals a week, and […]
Greetings from a Mediocre Uncle
November 30, 2012
One of the benefits of living here in China so far away from my extended family in the United States is that I have an excuse for being a terrible uncle. Although I suspect my family is beginning to realize even if I lived next door to my nieces and nephews I’d still be a […]
Will Trade Time with Kids for Comedy Material
November 20, 2012
My librarian wife went out of town for work last weekend, leaving me alone with the kids and providing more evidence of how libraries tear families part. I told the kids if I was going to spend twice as much time with them in their mother’s absence, they would have to work harder to provide […]
The Absolute Worst Things You Could Get on Halloween
October 26, 2012
Every kid who’s ever been trick-or-treating has made a mental list of the very worst things you can get on Halloween. Even if you’re an adult and haven’t been trick-or-treating in thirty years you still remember the neighbors who gave toothbrushes at Halloween. And that’s the only thing you remember about those neighbors because nobody […]
Jealousy Thy Name is Parent
October 23, 2012
If there’s one thing I like about being a parent, that wouldn’t be much of a recommendation for parenthood, would it? But if there’s one thing I like, it’s taking joy in the achievements of my children as an emotional substitute for my own lack of accomplishments. I’m not the first parent to make this […]
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