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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All posts tagged under »humor«
If I’m a Smart Person, Why am I Still Getting Sunburns in My Third Decade of Life?
I count myself in that impossible majority who humbly considers themselves above-average in intelligence. But over time the laundry list of chinks in my intelligence armor grows as I make the same mistakes every year of my life. Certain situations only come up once every year or two, and my mind uses the lesson learned […]
What Do You Send As a Thank You Gift When Someone Gives You a $700 Present You Don’t Care About?
April 23, 2011
A neighbor who I’ve waved at once a month for the last three years but whose last name I still don’t know approached and asked if I had plans for the following Sunday. My I’m-about-to-be-asked-to-an-all-day-BBQ-with-people-I-don’t-know radar went off, and I answered as vaguely as possible, “My wife has something she’s excited about maybe doing in […]
Ranking the Karate Kid Villains
April 22, 2011
Check out my guest contribution on educlaytion.com as part of his panel of awesome discussing the 1980s best movie villains. I selected Kreese, Johnny’s karate Sensei in The Karate Kid as the best villain and make a case for him as the movie’s true villain over Johnny. Read my guest contribution, and then come back […]
Veterans of Intergalatic, Civil, and Virginity Wars Unite: Caption Contest Finalists
April 21, 2011
Congratulations to this week’s caption contest finalists, who may remember the day they became finalists as one of the most important moments of their lives, especially if their entire lives had been uneventful disappointments. The winner will receive the following awards: 1. A strong sense of fulfillment. (Disclaimer: You must be the type who fulfills […]
Putting a Hold on Holding Babies: Subtle Schemes to Convince Your Wife to Wait
April 20, 2011
She’s ready to start a family. You’re ready to consider thinking about maybe thinking about starting a family. She sees babies everywhere. You see babes everywhere. She wants a stroller. You want to stroll down to karaoke night at the pub–if she can make it, great! The honeymoon just ended, and she’s already talking about […]
Happy Birthday, Apollo Fonzarelli!
April 19, 2011
Happy birthday to kid #2, The Fonz, who turns seven today! Why do I call him The Fonz? When he was born I filled out two applications for a birth certificate; the first form I showed my wife contained the name we had agreed upon; the second form, the one I didn’t show her, and […]
How to Outflank a Firing: Tips for Preventing Your Impending Dismissal
April 18, 2011
Any minute now you’re going to be fired. You always assumed you were invisible, but somehow your shoddy work, three hour lunches, and questionable Internet surfing have been noticed. Or maybe the company has been laying people off, and you’ll have a hard time defending the necessity of your job because you yourself are unsure […]
Girly of The Daily Hello Wins Caption Contest; Easily Impressed People Take to Streets in Celebration
April 17, 2011
Congratulations to this week’s caption contest winner Girly at thedailyhello. If you love Girly’s captions, you may also love her 1986 disco hit Rollercoaster. Rollercoaster is also a fitting title to describe the incredible range of emotions Girly will experience this week as she revels in the highs of her caption contest success before plummeting […]
A Big Bah, Humbug to the Tiny Birthday Tyrant
April 16, 2011
Is it just me, or is something fundamentally wrong with children’s birthday parties as an institution? How can an event meant to celebrate the life and birth of a child, result in the parents’ gin-soaked resolution not to have any more children? Twenty years from now when America’s declining birthrate brings social security to a […]
The Backhanded Compliment Explained
April 15, 2011
You’re a great person. Your mom likes you. I like you. Everybody likes you. Or do they? Is it possible people are secretly insulting you, but you always miss it because you’re unfamiliar with the art of the backhanded compliment? The backhanded compliment is so effective because it starts with a positive first half that […]
Practical Jokes that Go too Far–Part 2
April 14, 2011
Many of you read Practical Jokes That Go Too Far-Part 1, and based on the comments it seems most readers agreed my friends have no sense of humor. I was the wronged party, surrounded by ungrateful friends who failed to appreciate all the hard work and planning that went into my pranks. Trust me, it […]
Wednesday in Three Acts: One Sentence Stories/Tweets You May Have Missed/Caption Contest Finalists
April 13, 2011
Act One: Three One Sentence Stories 1. Get a Room! “Get a room, you two!” I shouted at the couple making out in front of me as they stood at the hotel check-in desk, waiting for me to rent them a room. 2. Dance Like Nobody’s Watching “Yes, my pretty, continue to dance like nobody […]
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