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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All posts tagged under »humor«
Sunday Buffet
This week I was playing video games with my sons, and the 7-year-old kept losing. In frustration he shouted, “It’s time for Jurassic measures!” I assume he meant drastic measures, but I also like to think he meant Jurassic as in he was about to go prehistoric on us. Can anyone confirm if this is […]
Please, Please, Please Invite Me to Your Party
June 11, 2011
I am ready to be the life of your party. I know I’ve turned down all your recent invitations, and you swore never to invite me again, but I’m ready to apologize for all the excuses because I really want to come to your party. I’m sorry I told you my new religion forbade parties, […]
Trouble the Millionaire Dog
June 10, 2011
Today the world mourns the death of Trouble the millionaire dog. You may remember Trouble as billionaire Leona Helmsley’s Maltese who received $12 million in inheritance when Helmsley died in 2007. The news articles covering Trouble’s death mentioned she received death threats throughout her life from people angry that a dog would inherit 12 million […]
My Test of Friendship
June 9, 2011
When I’m at a party, I’m not usually the type to try to be the center of attention. I’m more likely to be in a corner trying to convince someone I’ve just met that I’m about to confess to a crime. We’re laughing about something and then my face darkens, and I get a faraway […]
The Search Engine Oracle Speaks Again
June 8, 2011
Back in April I wrote a post about the search terms leading viewers to my site. I continue to be fascinated by these terms as many of them feel like very, very short stories providing insight into the searcher’s life. When someone enters ‘how to reply to a back handed compliment‘, I like to think […]
How I Rank My Friends
June 7, 2011
If you’re anything like me, everybody wants to be your friend. Ring, ring, ring–excuse me, I have to take this call. Sorry I had to step away, that was another friend calling, asking me to attend a cocktail party and then christen his new yacht. Unfortunately that’s the same day as my children’s school talent […]
What’s a Couch Between Friends?
June 6, 2011
Moving is hard. You need someone to help you, or better yet, someone who can be tricked into doing it for you. You could ask a friend, but unfortunately you don’t have any friends because you never call unless you need a favor, like moving. Or maybe you always ask for help, but you’re never […]
Sunday Potluck
June 5, 2011
My 7-year-old, The Fonz, asked his 9-year-old brother if he knew the n-word. I think his curiosity stemmed from a family conversation we had a couple months ago about racism, and I mentioned some people said mean words to other people of a different skin color, but I hesitated to give any specific words, no […]
Hats Off to the Queen’s Hat
June 4, 2011
1. QUEEN: “You can undress me with your eyes all you want, but the hat stays on.” 2. QUEEN: “I saw Elton John wearing it, and I just ‘hat’ to have it. Get it? ‘Hat’ to have it? Bit of English hat humour for you.” 3. OBAMA: “You’re required to carry your constitutional powers on […]
Food Pyramid We Hardly Knew Ye
June 3, 2011
Yesterday the United States Department of Agriculture announced it was abandoning the food pyramid icon and moving to a new icon called “My Plate”. The USDA gave the following reasons for the change: 1. Many people found the food pyramid confusing, especially on the matter of whether food should be served from a pyramid instead […]
How to Out-stalk a Stalker
June 2, 2011
If you suspect you’ve attracted a stalker, you can try and get a restraining order and take a chance he’ll be scared off, but TV has taught me you’re just as likely to provoke him to new levels of stalkerdom. Instead of letting him know you’re worried, why not stalk him back and scare him […]
Palin and Trump 2012
June 1, 2011
Sarah Palin and Donald Trump met yesterday in New York. They held a brief pretend meeting at Trump’s office, spoke to a huge throng of press corp about pretend issues, then went for pizza. They towed the families along for the pizza outing because of course Trump was probably already planning to head to his […]
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