I am ready to be the life of your party.
I know I’ve turned down all your recent invitations, and you swore never to invite me again, but I’m ready to apologize for all the excuses because I really want to come to your party.
I’m sorry I told you my new religion forbade parties, and when you asked me to name my religion I said Republican. And when you told me Republican was a political party and not a religion I said Mennonite Democrat. And when you said that wasn’t a religion or a political party, I sued you for discrimination. I’m sorry. Please invite me to your party.
I’m sorry I declined your invitation by telling you I worried your kids would sing and the sound of your children’s voices gave my wife seizures. Your children are very talented and not at all obnoxious or ugly, and I’m sorry if I implied the opposite. My wife really does get seizures when she hears your children, but this is her issue to work out, and you don’t have to invite her if bringing her will kill my chances at an invite. Please invite me to your party.
I’m sorry I told you I didn’t have the energy to spend another evening repelling the advances of your wife. At the last party I attended, when she said, “How’s work?” I understood that to be code for, “Do you have a flexible work schedule that would allow us to meet during the day and have an affair?” In retrospect, I may have jumped to conclusions. I’m sorry if my accusations caused problems for your marriage. Let’s put it behind us. If you find out where your ex-wife is living now, I’ll apologize to her, too. Please invite me to your party.
I’m sorry I inspected your medicine cabinet at the last party and brought out all your prescriptions for everyone to laugh at. I had no idea irritable bowel syndrome was no laughing matter until I got home and looked it up. I’m sorry. Please invite me to your party.
I’m sorry I rearranged your family pictures and ranked them top to bottom according to attractiveness.
I’m sorry I turned on your television in the middle on your anniversary toast to your wife.
I’m sorry I ordered Indian food and had it delivered during the dinner your wife made. I’m sorry I defended myself by saying I just really had a craving for Indian food and for being shocked when you reminded me the dinner your wife made was also Indian food.
Why do I want to be invited to your party so badly? You may remember me telling you I’ve always dreamed of owning a smoking jacket–well that dream has come true, and I really want to wear it to your party.
Me and my smoking hot smoking jacket on stage this week at a reading of one-acts.
I designed every part of this smoking jacket. I found a good tailor who had no experience making smoking jackets and had actually never even heard of one, but somehow the two of us created something magical. I put on that jacket and I was transformed into the kind of guest who can take your party to the next level. I had only planned to wear the jacket at home. I was going to place it close to the front door and put it on every time the doorbell rang, but I realize the world must see this jacket, and I’m actively seeking social invitations. Please invite me to your party.
This is me winking after I kiss your wife's hand.
The Good Greatsby 
k8edid
June 11, 2011
That is a smokin’ hot smoking jacket. I’d invite you to my party but we are nudists. I wouldn’t want you to feel out of place in your jacket…
Lenore Diane
June 11, 2011
k8edid made me snort in laughter with her response. I have to return later. Dang, that was good.
k8edid
June 11, 2011
I know, imagine Paul finally getting his dream jacket only to find that it prevents him from attending my fabulous nude parties.
The Good Greatsby
June 11, 2011
One thing life has taught me is to never show up to a nudist party in the nude because sometimes the invitation is a joke.
Hi, I'm Natalie.
June 11, 2011
Good god, I promise to never play that joke on you. *shudder*
Byron MacLymont
June 12, 2011
Yeah, but better safe than sorry. Imagine showing up to a party where you’re supposed to be nude and you’re dressed! There’s no coming back from that one.
Uthara
June 15, 2011
HAHA.
Gemma Sidney
June 11, 2011
Having thought long and hard about your request, and having seen the seductive powers of your smoking jacket, I would like to invite you to a dinner party a friend of mine is hosting this Wednesday. Each of my friends will be bringing an… interesting new friend. You’ll be expected to tell us all about your fascinating projects – like the robot, your dialogues with printers, and your thoughts on anyone from the Queen to Miley Cyrus (just try and leave out any diatribes about poor Todd). Which is really the least you could do, given such an invitation.
Gosh, I hope you haven’t seen that movie. My friends and I are in dire need of a good giggle. Oops, I mean guest.
The Good Greatsby
June 11, 2011
I’m considering the invitation. I just made plans to go salsa dancing on Wednesday, but you’re in a different time zone so I’m pretty sure I can do both.
Ape No. 1
June 11, 2011
How did you get my wife’s hand and where is the rest of her?!
The Good Greatsby
June 11, 2011
In my defense, your wife’s hand made the first move.
Ape No. 1
June 12, 2011
In retrospect I must concede that no female, completely whole or segmented, could resist the allure of your magnificent teal plumage.
Lenore Diane
June 11, 2011
Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle, as always. When we have a party, Paul – you will be on the list. But, you’ll have to bring Todd, because we’ll need someone around to clean up after the party. ~ Lenore
The Good Greatsby
June 11, 2011
Todd is great like that. I always invite him to my parties and tell him to arrive at 11:00 even though the party started at 8:00 because I want him to have plenty of energy left for cleaning up.
accidentalstepmom
June 11, 2011
If I had a smoking jacket like that, I wouldn’t need a party. I would wear it to a parent teacher conference and also to walk my dogs in the cemetery. Probably I would wear it when I run to the store for milk, too.
The Good Greatsby
June 11, 2011
I think someone should throw a party specifically for my smoking jacket.
Annie
June 11, 2011
I’d love to have you at our party. But our party requires a non-smoking jacket. If you can get it altered…
The Good Greatsby
June 11, 2011
I don’t actually smoke so I don’t know if smoking jacket aficionados would approve of me calling it a smoking jacket. I insist on calling it a smoking jacket, but I wouldn’t actually smoke at your party.
monicastangledweb
June 11, 2011
I just want to know, where are your glasses? We are all nerds here, so if you came to my party, glasses are a must. Oh, and by the way, your smoking jacket looks exactly like mine, so we’d be matching.
k8edid
June 11, 2011
Well, at my parties it is a strategic move to leave your glasses at home.
The Good Greatsby
June 11, 2011
I was on stage for these pictures and didn’t have my glasses. I actually look even more dashing with the glasses on and I’ll try and get a picture.
frigginloon
June 11, 2011
“…rearranged your family pictures and ranked them top to bottom according to attractiveness”
I so want to do that!!!!
The Good Greatsby
June 11, 2011
They’ll get angry at first but then they’ll appreciate your efficiency.
misswhiplash
June 11, 2011
I cannot compete with previous comments, so I shall just say I love your NON-smoking jacket and you can come to my party anytime!
love P
The Good Greatsby
June 11, 2011
Thank you for the invite. Is there a specific time or place I should plan on? Should I bring a bottle of wine or a casserole?
Jamie
June 11, 2011
I will only invite you to a party if you make matching pants to your smoking jacket. Hugh Hefner wears them, so can The Good Greatsby.
The Good Greatsby
June 11, 2011
I’m willing to get the pants. Not sure they’ll be as comfortable as the jacket but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to sell the complete package.
ryoko861
June 11, 2011
Just think, that smoking jacket will be your icon! And when you die, it’ll go into a museum with a wax look alike of you wearing it, in that stance of winking.
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2011
I was planning on being buried in the jacket, but I’m open to the idea of a wax statue.
ryoko861
June 12, 2011
Have another made, be buried in that. Make sure your revise the will (unless you’re being cremated, then they can burn you in that jacket which in some cases some people will be happy to see it burned).
Invisible Mikey
June 11, 2011
In that jacket, I would ask you to have my car brought round. Try burgundy, Paul. Your Gravatar already sports a Hefneresque expression. Don’t forget the ascot.
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2011
I actually did consider a burgundy. I’m thinking of having a second jacket made and burgundy is at the top of my list. If I could find an ascot I would wear it.
madtante
June 12, 2011
I would love to have you appear on the farm’s front pond bank (much like a stage, if timed correctly, you’d have a lovely, soft, sultry sunset behind you–not too strong to overpower your chiseled-good looks…but I’ve just converted to Mennonite Democrat. I’m afraid your smoking jacket is machine-sewn in China and we’re against Chinese people, the diesel-powered craft that brought their filthy, yellow goods here and the machines 3 year old worked in so making.
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2011
You’re Mennonite Democrat, too? Is your local congregation for or against parties? I have a hard time remembering what we’re supposed to believe.
spilledinkguy
June 12, 2011
I had a smoking jacket once.
Who knew some synthetic fibers could be so flammable.
Please invite me to your party.
🙂
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2011
That’s one of the first rules of smoking jackets–don’t use flammable materials.
spilledinkguy
June 13, 2011
I don’t think it was an entirely conscious decision to completely disregard question marks… but now that’s happened.
Stupid punctuation. And grammar. And spelling. And coherent thoughts. And…
Amy
June 12, 2011
Sure! You can come to my party. Thing is, the first rule about attending one of my parties is that you can’t talk about attending one of my parties.
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2011
Is somebody going to hit me as soon as I arrive? Of course I enjoy being punched just as much as the next guy, but I don’t want to get any blood on my jacket.
Laura
June 12, 2011
I’d love to invite you to my party, but I have a severe smoking jacket phobia (I think this might be related to the fact that my parents used to make me watch the movie Smoking Jacket of the Dead at bedtime every night and kept warning me that the smoking jacket would get me if I got out of bed or asked for a glass of water during the night, but that’s just a theory).
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2011
Sounds like your parents were trying to train you to grow up to be afraid of Hugh Hefner. And they were right to do it.
paigekellerman
June 12, 2011
The second picture suggests the woman, whose hand your holding, spit in your eye. Did she not like the jacket as much as the rest of us?
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2011
Does spitting in my eye mean she didn’t like it? Seems like a gesture of affection to me.
blackwatertown
June 12, 2011
You’d be welcome at my party if it wasn’t for the smoking jacket – the shimmering pattern might set off our epilepsy.
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2011
But if you had a seizure because of my smoking jacket, that would certainly make the party memorable for the other guests.
pegoleg
June 12, 2011
To be completely party-ready, your smoking-hot jacketed self needs an eye patch like the guy in the first picture (Breakfast at Tiffany’s?) and a pipe you can clench in your teeth while saying “Smashing!” in response to everything.
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2011
I’ve got a prop pipe from a play, so I just need to find an eye patch. I’ll check the pirate section of our local department store.
savesprinkles1234
June 12, 2011
No ascot? Todd usually always wears an ascot with his smoking jacket when he attends our parties.
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2011
Todd is coming? Some people will invite anyone to a party.
Kim
June 12, 2011
Maybe if you weren’t so busy winking, you would realize that is not my wife, I don’t even HAVE a wife… it’s myhusband!!!! and you TOTALLY just kissed his hand!!!!! HA HA! 🙂
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2011
But his hands were so soft and slender.
Kim
June 12, 2011
…and hairy
Thomas Stazyk
June 12, 2011
What were you smoking?
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2011
I was high on success.
Binky
June 12, 2011
Anyone who can look that good (in a totally he-man heterosexual way) in a smoking jacket deserves to be invited to my party. You have to bring your own Spam and chocolate though, and probably some other guests, and maybe some entertainment, too. And champagne. And dinner. But if you agree to bring all that, you can surely come to my party, which really isn’t much of a party if you don’t come.
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2011
So you’re saying I should organize the entire party but we’ll have it at your house and you’ll get the credit? I’ll take it!
subWOW
June 12, 2011
Smoking!
This is kind of funny to me because when my husband and I got married (hence I call him “my husband”) we had those fancy studio professionally done wedding photos ubiquitous in Asia done. They gave him a red jacket to wear. Everybody back home loved that picture. When I showed it to my friends back here, everyone’s first reaction was, “Why is he wearing a smoking jacket?! You two look like the mafia boss and his mistress!”
p.s. Now I am experiencing some sort of dilemma: I will no longer be certain whether I love your blog because of your brilliant writing and mind or because of your dashing good looks.
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2011
I understand your dilemma, which is why I waited so long to debut my dashing good looks.
ajg
June 12, 2011
I think you should hire me as your professional photographer.
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2011
Does the word “hire” imply you would want to be paid something? If not, the job is yours.
Beckers
June 12, 2011
In a jacket like that, YOU ARE THE PARTY!
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2011
Thanks for the compliment, but still, please invite to a party.
Lunar Euphoria
June 13, 2011
Hey! I wanna be invited to the party too so I can use my 18-inch Audrey Hepburnesque cigarette holder.
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2011
Maybe you should throw a party and invite me and we can both look smashing.
the master
June 13, 2011
I never get invited to parties. I’d love to go to one, just once, and drop hints all the time (by which I mean I get on my knees outside the party thrower’s house and beg and plead until the cops arrive), but still, no joy. So I’m wondering, would you possibly consider, just as a favour to me, letting me kill you for that jacket so maybe I can get invited to parties?
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2011
I haven’t officially been invited to any parties yet, so I don’t think killing me would be worth your while.
Walter
June 13, 2011
Dude you can come to my party but you have to have matching velvet slacks with your smoking jacket, and a better shirt. For God’s sake. Oh and your wife has to wear Pucci to distract the other party guests from the key exchange bowl. And your kids have to keep a low profile while they tp the neighborhood.
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2011
Sounds like you know how to throw a great party.
gojulesgo
June 13, 2011
It hardly seems fair that after I’d invite you to my party, you’d arrive looking so devestatingly dashing that all of my other guests would feel uncomfortable. Then again, they have managed to cope in my presence, so maybe I can give them more credit. All right, then. You can come, but only if you bring mini gherkins served with decorative toothpicks, and absinthe. Oh, I almost forgot, the party is June 31st. I hope you’re free.
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2011
I should be available. I will look into bringing the mini gherkins and may even bring celery with peanut butter.
thoughtsappear
June 13, 2011
If only I’d read this sooner…I’ll invite you to the next one.
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2011
I heard you were having a birthday party, and I wrote this post especially in the hopes of snagging a last minute invite.
flippingchannels
June 15, 2011
That jacket is really amazing. I just had suit tailored, but when I got it back it was the same color as when I dropped it off. Perhaps I should have been more specific. Next time I’ll specifically request old-school-smoking-jacket-shiny-pimp-blue!
writerwoman61
June 18, 2011
“This is me winking after I kiss your wife’s hand…and steal all your silver…and eat your cat…”
We’re very informal here in Hammond River…we don’t require fancy dress of any kind, but do respectfully request that you wear pants of some sort. I like a good Shiraz…don’t be late!
Wendy