Please, Please, Please Invite Me to Your Party

Posted on June 11, 2011


I am ready to be the life of your party.

I know I’ve turned down all your recent invitations, and you swore never to invite me again, but I’m ready to apologize for all the excuses because I really want to come to your party.

I’m sorry I told you my new religion forbade parties, and when you asked me to name my religion I said Republican.  And when you told me Republican was a political party and not a religion I said Mennonite Democrat.  And when you said that wasn’t a religion or a political party, I sued you for discrimination.  I’m sorry.  Please invite me to your party.

I’m sorry I declined your invitation by telling you I worried your kids would sing and the sound of your children’s voices gave my wife seizures.  Your children are very talented and not at all obnoxious or ugly, and I’m sorry if I implied the opposite.  My wife really does get seizures when she hears your children, but this is her issue to work out, and you don’t have to invite her if bringing her will kill my chances at an invite.  Please invite me to your party.

I’m sorry I told you I didn’t have the energy to spend another evening repelling the advances of your wife.  At the last party I attended, when she said, “How’s work?” I understood that to be code for, “Do you have a flexible work schedule that would allow us to meet during the day and have an affair?”  In retrospect, I may have jumped to conclusions.  I’m sorry if my accusations caused problems for your marriage.  Let’s put it behind us.  If you find out where your ex-wife is living now, I’ll apologize to her, too.  Please invite me to your party.

I’m sorry I inspected your medicine cabinet at the last party and brought out all your prescriptions for everyone to laugh at.  I had no idea irritable bowel syndrome was no laughing matter until I got home and looked it up.  I’m sorry.  Please invite me to your party.

I’m sorry I rearranged your family pictures and ranked them top to bottom according to attractiveness.

I’m sorry I turned on your television in the middle on your anniversary toast to your wife.

I’m sorry I ordered Indian food and had it delivered during the dinner your wife made.  I’m sorry I defended myself by saying I just really had a craving for Indian food and for being shocked when you reminded me the dinner your wife made was also Indian food.

Why do I want to be invited to your party so badly?  You may remember me telling you I’ve always dreamed of owning a smoking jacket–well that dream has come true, and I really want to wear it to your party.

Me and my smoking hot smoking jacket on stage this week at a reading of one-acts.

I designed every part of this smoking jacket.  I found a good tailor who had no experience making smoking jackets and had actually never even heard of one, but somehow the two of us created something magical.  I put on that jacket and I was transformed into the kind of guest who can take your party to the next level.  I had only planned to wear the jacket at home.  I was going to place it close to the front door and put it on every time the doorbell rang, but I realize the world must see this jacket, and I’m actively seeking social invitations.  Please invite me to your party.

This is me winking after I kiss your wife's hand.

Posted in: Columns