My 7-year-old, The Fonz, asked his 9-year-old brother if he knew the n-word. I think his curiosity stemmed from a family conversation we had a couple months ago about racism, and I mentioned some people said mean words to other people of a different skin color, but I hesitated to give any specific words, no matter how many times The Fonz asked. The Fonz told his brother he thought he knew the forbidden word, but he didn’t want to say the word out loud. Still he wanted to confirm if he was right, so he wrote it on a piece of paper:
My wife pretended to be offended and went into hysterics when she saw what he had written.
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Congratulations to this week’s caption contest winner Casserole Dish. See what prizes she won and submit a caption in the new caption contest here.
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The Little League baseball season finished for our 9-year-old last week. I coached both sons’ teams the previous two seasons, but I decided to take a break from coaching this spring because I was traveling a lot for work as well as rehearsing and then appearing in a ten-show run of Twelfth Night. I knew I would feel guilty about not coaching once I went to their games so I tried to assuage my guilt by convincing them not to play. Congratulations to my 9-year-old who stuck with it all season, despite my constant discouragement and taunting. My 7-year-old son agreed not to play this season in exchange for ice cream.
I also lost interest in coaching because every week I would approach one of the other dads and say, “Don’t you hate those dads who come to sporting events and yell at the kids and then get in a fight with one of the other dads?” The other dad would always agree, and then I would try and start an argument about which one of us hated those fighting dads more in the hopes it would lead to a fight, but nobody ever took the bait. I’m actually a very non-violent person, but I’m willing to fight for a joke, and it would be fun to hear people describe my fight as the most ironic fight they had ever witnessed.
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My one-act play, A Minor Case of Murder, debuts this week. Early reviews by me have been very positive. But don’t just take my word for it; consider the words of my wife who raved about the play, calling it, “About 20 minutes.”
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When my wife and I first started dating, she wouldn’t have described me as a funny person. I didn’t reveal any sense of humor until after we were married because I wanted to be certain she was willing to marry me just for my looks.
(When I showed the joke above to my wife, she called me a nincompoop. Racist.)
The Good Greatsby 
ajg
June 5, 2011
The Fonz is a fantastic speller. But not very racist. Which mostly better than an illiterate racist. But I actually prefer my racists illiterate. Who wants those guys to have access to letter writtin’ and the Interwebs?
The Good Greatsby
June 5, 2011
That’s true. We don’t need those racists gaining access to book learnin’.
carldagostino
June 5, 2011
There is a new n-word for our time. It has crippled the country and devastated families. It is “nojobs”
The Good Greatsby
June 5, 2011
I don’t think that was the word he was thinking of.
Olivia K
June 5, 2011
I had a roommate in college who was “sheltered” beyond comprehension. One day in a mall parking lot she saw a license plate cover that read, “my other ride is your daughter.” She gsped and turned to me, “isn’t that awful.”
I nodded in agreement.
“Can you imagine,'” she continued, “some guy using a girl as his chauffeur.”
I didn’t have the heart to correct her, I just kept nodding and choking on my own hysterics.
Thanks for the laugh. My neighbor’s rooster woke me up at 5am this morning (on the only day I don’t have to be up this early). I was grouchy. You fixed it. My family will thank you. Have a great week!
The Good Greatsby
June 5, 2011
Some people are easily shocked, all day, every day.
georgette sullins
June 5, 2011
I’m impressed you kept the humor a secret. You even resisted tampering with the words of the wedding vows? At what point did the humor start flowing? At the toasts?
The Good Greatsby
June 6, 2011
I used humor to defuse her anger as she discovered all the lies I told her before we were married.
limr
June 5, 2011
Well, I must be a horrible person because ‘nincompoopery’ was my favorite word for the week of March 1-7, 2010. (It beat out nincompoophood).
I wish my students could spell as well as your 9-year-old.
The Good Greatsby
June 5, 2011
His handwriting isn’t bad either.
thelifeofjamie
June 5, 2011
Nincompoop- I hope you washed his mouth out with soap!
The Good Greatsby
June 6, 2011
He only wrote nincompoop, so I had him wash his hands.
Lenore Diane
June 5, 2011
Nincompoop. Did not see that coming. I know you (in the sense that I don’t know you at all) enough to know the ‘n’ word you were alluding to was not the ‘n’ word you would use. I thought maybe it would be ‘ninny’, ‘nanny nanny boo boo’, ‘nippy’ or ‘nuckleheadk’ (the ‘k’ is silent).
But what really made me howl (along with the firetruck sirens) was “…Early reviews by me have been very positive”
Nuckleheadk.
The Good Greatsby
June 6, 2011
I haven’t read a single negative review of my play by me.
educlaytion
June 5, 2011
Thanks for the Sunday laugh!
Modesty Press
June 6, 2011
I thought it was Nuckleberry Finn.
The Good Greatsby
June 6, 2011
Now that I think about it, he was reading Huckleberry Finn at the time he asked the question.
Renee Davies
June 6, 2011
The positive reviews by you remind me of Lisa Nova’s rendition of Lindsay Lohan on YouTube.
The Good Greatsby
June 6, 2011
I’ll have to check that out.
spilledinkguy
June 6, 2011
I’m so curious about the play!!!
I know it’s awesome!
🙂
The Good Greatsby
June 6, 2011
I appreciate your encouragement. Before you get too excited I must warn you Vin Diesel is not in the play.
Hi, I'm Natalie.
June 6, 2011
The racist undertones in your home must be horrific for him to know such an offensive word. (Please say you’re having that framed. )
The Good Greatsby
June 6, 2011
I don’t know if we’ll frame it, but we’ll keep it around to scare off any future girlfriends of his that we don’t like.
Binky
June 6, 2011
Neuter is the n-word around here that strikes fear in our hearts.
I hope your play wasn’t based on reality, like murdering your commenters whenever they say something you disagree with. Of course that might start limiting your comments if such a thing got out of hand. Though it might be quite satisfying to have the last word.
The Good Greatsby
June 6, 2011
I’m sure neuter must be the word that strikes fear in the hearts of the citizens of Wombania.
pegoleg
June 6, 2011
We really watched our language around the kids, and encouraged them to be kind to one another. Which is why my heart sank when my then 5-year-old tattled that her 7-year-old sister had used the “S” word. Wide-eyed & horrified she reported, “She said shut up!”
The Good Greatsby
June 6, 2011
Kids are obsessed with bad words at that age, either so they can say them or catch other people saying them.
Penny
June 6, 2011
The Fonze has a way with words-he has a unique way of his expressing his thoughts-just like
The Good Greatsby !
The Good Greatsby
June 6, 2011
He’s certainly keeping us entertained.
amblerangel
June 6, 2011
Wew! Scared me- I thought it was nappy headed.
The Good Greatsby
June 6, 2011
That’s another n-word that can get you in trouble.
Laura
June 6, 2011
Love the story about your son. I hope it doesn’t turn out that he actually does know the n-word but is a really, really bad speller.
The Good Greatsby
June 6, 2011
Ha!
the master
June 6, 2011
Curbing the use of naughty words must be a real problem. Which is why, when I have kids, I’m not gonna teach them any words at all. And if I catch them learning words, or even making a noise that sounds vaguely like a word (like “dada” or “mama”) I’m gonna have their voice-boxes removed.
PS: Apologies for my slackness in commenting of late. I was off doing very interesting things. Very interesting, I assure you.
The Good Greatsby
June 6, 2011
I guess that’s probably the surest way to guarantee they don’t say bad words.
thoughtsappear
June 6, 2011
“My 7-year-old son agreed not to play this season in exchange for ice cream.”—A boy after my own heart….
The Good Greatsby
June 6, 2011
He should have asked for a deal giving him ice cream every week of the season, but he still seemed satisfied.
madtante
June 6, 2011
No matter what I’ve heard people say about you, I think you’re probably an okay parent.
The Good Greatsby
June 6, 2011
I’m confused. Are you saying other people are saying I’m an okay parent and you’re also saying I’m an okay parent?
madtante
June 7, 2011
My hilarity often confounds: the joke was as if people said you’re a terrible parent but I’m “complimenting” you by saying you’re “meh, alright.”
This is in direct opposition to what appears to be the fact that you are indeed a great daddy. Obviously, the joke failed horribly when I had to explain…and it may yet be unclear. Feel free to ignore. I only insult people I admire. If I think shitty thought about people, I pretend not to notice them. I’m Midwestern.
The Good Greatsby
June 7, 2011
I knew what you meant and thought it was funny. My joke was to pretend I didn’t understand by glossing over the hint of criticism by those other people.
blackwatertown
June 6, 2011
I occasionally had anxious moments while passing building sites in London when my first born was very small. He would speak out loudly and point, but sometimes garble the words TRUCK and DIGGER.
The Good Greatsby
June 7, 2011
Those early words are often a predictor of racism as an adult.
k8edid
June 7, 2011
Whew – I was afraid it was something like “nekkid”. I understood madtante’s joke and agree with her, as well. Might be a Midwestern thing.
The Good Greatsby
June 7, 2011
I got her joke, too. I often make the joke, “I don’t care what other people are saying–I think you’re a good person.”
ellieswords
June 7, 2011
Very funny!
When my husband and I were dating, I always wore a mask, just to see if he’d love me for my humor alone.
I guess that’s the difference between genders. You know it’s all about looks for girls and I know it’s about personality for guys!
The Good Greatsby
June 7, 2011
Exactly. I felt comfortable with my personality, but I didn’t want to spend fifty years with someone who didn’t appreciate my good looks and would have married me even if I had been ugly.
Emmy
June 7, 2011
The writing on the paper looks more like “nincompoos”, which is very British. My friend says “poo” when talking about her rabbit litter boxes. Keep an eye out for the Fonz watchiing The Young Ones and saying things like, “Oy, Bloody ‘ell, I’m Gobsmacked!”
The Good Greatsby
June 7, 2011
He does say ‘winge’ and ‘knackered’ a lot.
Tyler
June 7, 2011
I hope he can read cause I’ll tell him right now stop me? doubtful here goes NANCY. Ha, gotcha women.
writerwoman61
June 8, 2011
You should submit the Fonz’s note to Chase and Leanne for their Stuff Kids Write site…
I wonder if I could convince my girls to quit cheerleading for ice cream…
Break a leg on your play!
Wendy
bluebee
June 15, 2011
ha, ha – that’s one very entertaining household