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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All posts tagged under »family«
The Most Positive Child in the World
Happy birthday to my son, Optimist Prime, who turns ten tomorrow! I don’t mention Optimist Prime as often as my seven-year-old, The Fonz, because The Fonz is more likely to get in trouble and say something funny when he gets caught. Optimist Prime is more likely to go to bed on time without being asked, […]
Sunday Souffle
June 26, 2011
Sometimes I watch my sons while they play outside, and I’m always interested in the new games they invent. This morning I watched my 7-year-old son, The Fonz, spend almost two hours racing against a rock. He would count down 3, 2, 1, then flick a rock across the pavement and sprint to overtake it. […]
My Children Grow Sick of Sick!!! (sic) Discussion
June 24, 2011
This afternoon my wife and I sat on the front steps, watching my two sons and their friend perform skateboard tricks, and the kids asked me to judge who could jump highest on the skateboard. When I proclaimed a winner, the other kids gave him high fives, and I felt jealous of all the attention […]
Sunday Spread
June 19, 2011
Happy Father’s Day to you if you’re in a country celebrating Father’s Day and also if you’re a father. If you’re neither a father nor in a country celebrating Father’s Day, I hope an opportunity to celebrate you for something comes up before too long. When is Secretary’s Day? If you’re a father, but not […]
Sunday Buffet
June 12, 2011
This week I was playing video games with my sons, and the 7-year-old kept losing. In frustration he shouted, “It’s time for Jurassic measures!” I assume he meant drastic measures, but I also like to think he meant Jurassic as in he was about to go prehistoric on us. Can anyone confirm if this is […]
Sunday Potluck
June 5, 2011
My 7-year-old, The Fonz, asked his 9-year-old brother if he knew the n-word. I think his curiosity stemmed from a family conversation we had a couple months ago about racism, and I mentioned some people said mean words to other people of a different skin color, but I hesitated to give any specific words, no […]
Sunday Salad
May 29, 2011
Our 7-year-old, The Fonz, told my wife with a sigh, “I’m not as cute as I used to be.” My wife assured him he was still very cute. He nodded to acknowledge the compliment, then sighed again, “But still not as cute as I used to be.” He seems awfully young to begin worrying about […]
WWJBD? (What would James Bond do?)
May 26, 2011
It has become common among some Christian groups to greet life’s decisions with the question, “What would Jesus do?” This theological consideration is sometimes turned into the acronym “WWJD?” and printed on bumper stickers, t-shirts, bracelets, and a collection of other tacky clothing I’m pretty sure Jesus would never wear. If Jesus wouldn’t wear that […]
Godmother Gaga
May 17, 2011
Did you hear Elton John and husband David Furnish recently adopted a son, Zachary? And did you hear they named Lady Gaga as the baby’s godmother? And did you hear twenty years from now Zachary is in jail? I don’t want to put words in anybody’s mouth, but I believe I can safely say, “Great […]
Look on the Bright Side, Mom
May 8, 2011
Dearest Mother, On this Mother’s Day, I’d like to make the following confessions while urging you to try and look on the bright side. Confession: Remember how the chandelier over the kitchen table had two broken lights for twenty years? I broke that the day after we moved in by sword fighting with ski poles […]
Mother’s Day Cards from Second-string Children
May 7, 2011
Not all moms are created equal. Most moms try their best, but when you happen to be “accidentally” reading your neighbor’s mail and come across the following Mother’s Day cards, you have good reason to wonder about her mothering abilities.
You’re Welcome, Mom
May 6, 2011
Parents are supposed to love all their children equally, but my siblings and I knew our parents had favorites. They always said they loved us the same, and they tried not to let their favoritism show, but still, we all knew…because we listened at the door on Mother’s Day as they criticized the cards we […]
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