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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All Posts filed under »Columns«
Standard Release Form
I’m currently in the process of recording some 1920-30s-style radio plays I wrote. All my voice actors are friends I’ve worked with before, and because I’m paying for the studio time myself, the actors are being paid in the form of meals, compliments, and good intentions. I’ve asked them all to sign the following release […]
How to Entertain Yourself at a Garage Sale
May 7, 2012
So you’ve been dragged along to another garage sale. Here are eight tips for entertaining yourself or guaranteeing you won’t be asked to come next time. 1. Bring a picture of the friend/spouse accompanying you to the garage sale. If any old picture frames are for sale, hurry and insert the picture while nobody is looking. […]
Smart Enough to Join Mensa, Not Smart Enough Not to Join Mensa
May 4, 2012
Just when you started to get excited about your two-year-old’s ability to spit out a few mumbles that kind of sound like words, Mensa–the high IQ society–has welcomed a two-year-old member who can recite the alphabet backwards and forwards, count to 1,000, name the planets, and I’m pretty sure never falls for the ‘I got […]
Strangers on a Train–Not Strangers for Long
April 16, 2012
I saw this picture of a crowded train of Muslims heading home for a religious festival. At first I felt bad they had to ride in such uncomfortable conditions, but I heard the in-train entertainment featured an outstanding stand-up comedian and the time just flew by: Hello, ladies and gentleman, I know I’m supposed to […]
Things I Hope People Will Say About Me After I Die
April 13, 2012
Whatever happened to the guy who used to sit in the corner and would always hit on my wife while I was in the bathroom? Sorry kids, but a customer died this week, and because of his bar tab there won’t be any Christmas this year. Every day I regret not telling Paul how much […]
Can I Do You a Favor?
April 9, 2012
Let me know if you ever need a favor, especially if the favor is easy and doesn’t take much time. And don’t be surprised if I someday call in that favor. And don’t be surprised if the favor I ask is difficult and takes a long time. And don’t be surprised if I ask for […]
Hitting the Manipulation Jackpot
April 2, 2012
Last week many Americans were closely following the Mega Millions lottery offering a record $800 million jackpot. Some people were excited about the possibility of winning the jackpot, but even more people were excited by the prospects of taking advantage of somebody who won the jackpot. Here’s how I understand the odds: The chances of […]
My Pain in the Neck and Back
March 21, 2012
I continue to recover from a back/neck injury and have had to cut down my posts as I’ve suffered some nerve problems in my hands and the doctor told me typing sixteen hours a day wasn’t helping. My recent back injury has forced me to adapt a recurring joke: In the past whenever people would […]
My Plot to Meet Zooey Deschanel or Zoey Deschanel
March 16, 2012
As part of my ongoing campaign to meet Zooey Deschanel and trick her into falling in love with me, I’ve been trying to acquire the domain name zoeydeschanel.com. Here’s my strategy: 1. Buy the domain zoeydeschanel.com. 2. Find a woman named Zoey Deschanel and promote her webpage until she’s bigger than the original Zooey Deschanel. […]
Dear Good Housekeeping: How do I get Karo syrup out of a ukulele?
March 12, 2012
Dear Good Housekeeping, While perusing your site today I found many helpful tips on cleaning everything from leather sofas to freezers to sponges, but I was disappointed when I didn’t find a single tip on how to get Karo syrup out of a ukulele. Surely I can’t be the first person to fall asleep while […]
Complete and Utter Rubbish!
March 9, 2012
Optimist Prime has always been a bit wise for a ten-year-old, and his seeming wisdom has only increased now that he’s chosen to permanently speak in a British accent. He’s been trying it out here and there with an occasional “That’s bloody brilliant” or “And I said rubbish! Complete and utter rubbish!” but this last […]
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May 14, 2012
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