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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All Posts filed under »Columns«
Your New Exercise Program
This time you’re going to do it! Nothing is going to stop you from getting in shape. You purchased an expensive exercise machine and you plan to work out every day. Allow me to help you create your exercise program: Day 1: Open exercise equipment box. Day 1: Lay out parts. Day 1: Misplace parts. […]
Spelling Bee Stings
June 16, 2011
Did you watch any of the national Scripps Spelling Bee last week on ESPN? Congratulations to Sukanya Roy who sealed the victory by correctly spelling “Cymotrichous”. News of the victory spread quickly among excited teenagers as they texted each other the news: wassup, playa, U heer bout Speling Be champyon? Fo shizzle, mine laydee Sukanya […]
Terrible Golf Made Easy
June 15, 2011
If someone invites me to go golfing, I usually accept but clarify, “I’m not an outstanding golfer.” This gives the impression I may be only a degree or two below outstanding–not a bad place to find yourself. But to be honest, I’m not a good golfer either. Actually, I’m not even average. To be clear, […]
Please Cast Me in The Great Gatsby Movie
June 14, 2011
Perhaps you’ve heard about the new Great Gatsby film that begins shooting this summer. Australian director Baz Luhrmann will be shooting the Leonardo DiCaprio 3D film in Syndey, and I’m more than a bit puzzled as to what he sees in the book that would make the movie adaption ripe material for 3D treatment. Baz, […]
I Formally Announce My Candidacy for International Monetary Fund Director
June 13, 2011
Perhaps you’ve heard about the managing director vacancy at the International Monetary Fund after Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s resignation. Strauss-Kahn was forced to resign after accusations of sexual misconduct, and since that time Christine Lagarde of France has emerged as the top candidate to follow in his footsteps and win the $500,000 a year job–but not necessarily […]
Sunday Buffet
June 12, 2011
This week I was playing video games with my sons, and the 7-year-old kept losing. In frustration he shouted, “It’s time for Jurassic measures!” I assume he meant drastic measures, but I also like to think he meant Jurassic as in he was about to go prehistoric on us. Can anyone confirm if this is […]
Please, Please, Please Invite Me to Your Party
June 11, 2011
I am ready to be the life of your party. I know I’ve turned down all your recent invitations, and you swore never to invite me again, but I’m ready to apologize for all the excuses because I really want to come to your party. I’m sorry I told you my new religion forbade parties, […]
My Test of Friendship
June 9, 2011
When I’m at a party, I’m not usually the type to try to be the center of attention. I’m more likely to be in a corner trying to convince someone I’ve just met that I’m about to confess to a crime. We’re laughing about something and then my face darkens, and I get a faraway […]
The Search Engine Oracle Speaks Again
June 8, 2011
Back in April I wrote a post about the search terms leading viewers to my site. I continue to be fascinated by these terms as many of them feel like very, very short stories providing insight into the searcher’s life. When someone enters ‘how to reply to a back handed compliment‘, I like to think […]
How I Rank My Friends
June 7, 2011
If you’re anything like me, everybody wants to be your friend. Ring, ring, ring–excuse me, I have to take this call. Sorry I had to step away, that was another friend calling, asking me to attend a cocktail party and then christen his new yacht. Unfortunately that’s the same day as my children’s school talent […]
What’s a Couch Between Friends?
June 6, 2011
Moving is hard. You need someone to help you, or better yet, someone who can be tricked into doing it for you. You could ask a friend, but unfortunately you don’t have any friends because you never call unless you need a favor, like moving. Or maybe you always ask for help, but you’re never […]
Sunday Potluck
June 5, 2011
My 7-year-old, The Fonz, asked his 9-year-old brother if he knew the n-word. I think his curiosity stemmed from a family conversation we had a couple months ago about racism, and I mentioned some people said mean words to other people of a different skin color, but I hesitated to give any specific words, no […]
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