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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All Posts filed under »Advice«
When Someone You Don’t Love Says I Love You
If you’re anything like me, people fall in love with you a lot. At first it was flattering–like twenty years ago–but I’m a man with places to go, people to see, compliments to receive, and I can’t be distracted three times a day trying to think of a polite response to a profession of love. […]
The Blindest Blind Date
May 11, 2011
We’ve all made the mistake of setting up friends on a blind date. You know two single people, you think they would be perfect for each other because they have so much in common–for example, both of them are extremely lonely–and you suggest arranging a blind date to throw the two lonely hearts together. What’s […]
Tough Love Friendship to Distract Your Recently Dumped Girl Friend
May 3, 2011
Question for women: What do you do when your girlfriend just got dumped and she’s feeling terrible? How can you cheer her up and help her forget the breakup? You could suggest the cliche “let’s eat a gallon of ice cream and a tube of Tollhouse cookie dough”, but is gaining three pounds going to […]
Where were you when Osama Bin Laden died of boredom while watching Vin Diesel’s Fast Five at a celebration party for William and Kate’s royal wedding?
May 2, 2011
In recent days we’ve experienced three historical events most people will remember their whole lives: 1. The killing of Osama Bin Laden 2. The royal wedding of William and Kate 3. The debut of the fifth Fast and The Furious film as the top movie over the weekend with $83.6 million–maybe not historically significant today, […]
How to Make Rich Celebrity Friends at William and Kate’s Wedding
April 29, 2011
Somehow you’ve snagged an invite to rub shoulders with the rich and the famous at the wedding of the decade. Your friends are impressed, but you don’t care because those were your old, poor, not-David-Beckham friends, because the royal wedding invite is the beginning of your ascension into the upper crust of people who are […]
Your William and Kate Royal Wedding Etiquette Guide
April 28, 2011
I checked my mailbox every day, but the invitation to William and Kate’s wedding never arrived. I assume my name was on the bubble, but when Elton John heard about my ability to turn every wedding reception into Paul’s personal karaoke party he was afraid I’d steal some of his thunder. Still, I’m excited for […]
Putting a Hold on Holding Babies: Subtle Schemes to Convince Your Wife to Wait
April 20, 2011
She’s ready to start a family. You’re ready to consider thinking about maybe thinking about starting a family. She sees babies everywhere. You see babes everywhere. She wants a stroller. You want to stroll down to karaoke night at the pub–if she can make it, great! The honeymoon just ended, and she’s already talking about […]
How to Outflank a Firing: Tips for Preventing Your Impending Dismissal
April 18, 2011
Any minute now you’re going to be fired. You always assumed you were invisible, but somehow your shoddy work, three hour lunches, and questionable Internet surfing have been noticed. Or maybe the company has been laying people off, and you’ll have a hard time defending the necessity of your job because you yourself are unsure […]
How to Quit Your Job
April 5, 2011
I lived in Germany for several years, and when you live abroad and speak a foreign language all day, you make friends with other native English speakers with whom you have nothing else in common except the language. The only thing keeping you together is a chance to speak English and to share similar insights […]
How to Manipulate People into Throwing You a Party
March 31, 2011
You deserve recognition! You deserve to be celebrated! But when was the last time someone threw you a party? How long have you been waiting for someone to suggest an epic gala celebrating your humanity, good looks, and intelligence? Or if those attributes are not possessed by you in proportions worthy of a giant party, […]
How to Teach Your Kids to Sound Smart (Especially If They’re Not)–Part 2
March 24, 2011
If you haven’t read How to Make Your Kids Sound Smart Part 1, make sure you do so here, so you’ll know what all the other moms were talking about at last week’s group therapy. For those who did read Part 1, did you practice tips #1 and #2 with your ‘fork-misses-mouth’ smart child? Remember, […]
How to Teach Your Kids to Sound Smart (Especially If They’re Not)
March 15, 2011
Parents have so many worries: Will Tyler make friends at his new school? Will Kaitlyn make the soccer team? How long before people discover Tyler is very, very dumb? Poor Tyler. You’ve tried to defend him: “Maybe he’s not book smart, but he’s street smart.” But time has revealed he’s not street smart either, sending […]
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