They say money can’t buy happiness, but I’m willing to give it a try.
And how do scientists even know whether money can buy happiness without conducting empirical research on a subject, possibly someone like myself who volunteers to be given a million dollars a year for the rest of his life?
I’d do it. I’d do it for science.
Of course, I understand the basis of the idea that money can’t buy happiness. If I meet a girl and she won’t give me the time of day until she learns I’m a millionaire, maybe I’ll realize she’s only interested in my money and her company will prove unfulfilling and that shallow relationship won’t make me happy. I concede this point. But what if this shallow girl is extremely attractive, and I bring her to a party and all my friends and ex-girlfriends become jealous? Maybe her interest in me is fake, but because my friends and ex-girlfriends don’t know this, their jealousy is real. And maybe making other people jealous is the thing that makes me happy? Did you ever consider that, scientists?
They say money can’t buy happiness, but I’m convinced it can get you awfully close.
And even if it were true that money can’t buy happiness, the harsh truth is that the absence of money isn’t any guarantee of happiness either. I’ve known plenty of unhappy poor people, like my best friend Todd. Whenever I see him he says, “I don’t have any money to give you! You must owe me thousands of dollars and I’m not giving you another cent! You have thirty seconds to get off my property before I call the police!”
Does that sound like a happy man? Is that negativity conducive with the concept of a person who is happy because he has no money?
Or consider my kids: “Dad, why can’t we get vaccinations like all the other kids in school? How come we’ve never been to the dentist but you can afford to pour imported beer on your cereal?”
Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy better teeth, better hair, better skin, and a gym membership, and even if you’re not happy, having people hit on you is a pretty fun distraction from being unhappy. And if you absolutely have to be unhappy and you spend each morning reciting an affirmation in the mirror, wouldn’t life be just a little bit better if that mirror offered a beautiful reflection?
They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you a pretty good therapist. And maybe he can figure out what the hell’s wrong with you.
The Good Greatsby 
becomingcliche
July 25, 2013
It’s an important lesson for kids to learn, like the male in a lion pride, the grown ups eat first. Whether it be beer in the cereal or dead antelope, the principle is the same. Nature intends for the hunters and money earners to be strong. They can always create replacement offspring in a better year.
The Good Greatsby
July 25, 2013
That’s so wise. I’m in complete agreement with anyone who’s in complete agreement with me.
becomingcliche
July 25, 2013
I completely agree. And thus, the circle of life.
maybesomeday9771
August 10, 2013
In my household… Kids eat first. If the adults don’t have the money to feed the whole family it’s there fault not the kids.
Chaoscream
July 25, 2013
I would have to agree with you. Depending on where you stand financially you can come quite close to happiness because you have access to the finer things that will give you some sort of passing amusement.
The Good Greatsby
July 25, 2013
If money doesn’t buy you happiness, it definitely buys you a lot more time to figure out what it is that does buy you happiness.
Go Jules Go
July 25, 2013
You could also pay someone incredibly attractive and witty to attend high school reunions in your place. Or just pay people to compliment you. If you believe them, it makes it real. Science.
The Good Greatsby
July 25, 2013
I would just prefer to buy an entirely new high school.
She's a Maineiac
July 25, 2013
Hey, JD–I’d pay you big bucks to attend my upcoming 25th reunion AND to tell me I’m attractive. Maybe then I’d get closer to happy?
funkypenguin95
July 25, 2013
Reblogged this on Rivanna Knows What's Just About Right and commented:
Do you know what? This guy should get a million dollars each year, just for his genius:)
Is Everyone an Idiot but Me?
July 25, 2013
You make a lot of great points. “Money can’t buy you happiness” is just what poor people say to make themselves feel better, or what rich people say as a consolation when they can tell their poor friends are jealous of them for being rich.
iamkrista
July 25, 2013
Absolutely!!!!!
The Good Greatsby
July 25, 2013
Yup. It’s an argument both sides use. It’s convenient for both the insiders as well as those on the outside looking in.
philosophermouseofthehedge
July 25, 2013
Money buys freedom. Most can figure out what to do with all the spare time….if not we can volunteer to take his money and release him back to his own sort of “happiness”. WIn-Win!
dianasschwenk
July 25, 2013
This post makes me think of the following quote:
“I don’t know much about being a millionaire, but I’ll bet I’d be darling at it.”
— Dorothy Parker
The Good Greatsby
July 25, 2013
I just want to give it a try. I might be pretty good at it. Maybe I’ve been wasting my time with all these other hobbies and interests, and being rich is where my real talents lie.
lcperkins
July 25, 2013
When I was young and very poor, I was very happy. My husband and I were so poor that buying anything other than beans, rice, and vegetables, like, for example, a jar of pickles, was a special treat. (Curiously, there always seemed to be enough money for my husband to go to bars with his other scientist friends and buy beer, so that they could drink until they were inebriated and then draw diagrams and equations on napkins while their conversations became ever more animated. But whatever.) I think that I was happy despite sleeping on a futon on the floor and having no phone in the house because we were both YOUNG and “dumb as a bag of rocks” as my husband likes to say. Or as my mother prefers to say, “innocent and naïve.” So, I postulate that youth buys happiness. Or that the joyful naivety of youth allows you to express your happiness. What do I know? Maybe not eating pickles and drinking beer makes you happy.
The Good Greatsby
July 30, 2013
Maybe your husband was especially talented at getting his scientist friends to buy him drinks. This is the same explanation I give my wife when she wonders why we can’t buy the kids vaccinations but I can afford to drink imported beer.
HoaiPhai
July 30, 2013
You’ve unwittingly stumbled upon why lab coats have so many pockets… for olives, tiny paper umbrellas, and other cocktail paraphernalia. Engineers, who are sort of like scientists who prefer hardhats to lab coats are also heavy drinkers and their pocket protectors have protected more shirts from the Red Dye #25 in maraschino cherries than ballpoint ink.
lcperkins
July 30, 2013
So your argument is that a good rosé is more important than say, my son’s new prescription glasses? Interesting . . .
The Cutter
July 25, 2013
Money ain’t everything…but it sure doesn’t suck to have some.
The Good Greatsby
July 25, 2013
That about sums it up.
Bridgesburning Chris King
July 25, 2013
Money is worthwhile just for the jealousy thing and then it can provide the best security for those stalkers. I’m with you.
fishducky
July 26, 2013
If I have to be miserable, I would much rather feel that way in a Maserati than on a bike!!
bensbitterblog
July 26, 2013
I would even try the Brewster’s Millions experiement to see if I could blow through 30 mill in 30 days. It only took Allen Iverson 10 years to go through 200 million.
jackbinsteadblog
July 26, 2013
Money can’t but happiness but I’d much rather cry in my Ferrari
david
July 26, 2013
Money can’t buy you happiness… I’m convinced it was a Frenchman who originally said this, while trying to hide his wealth from the taxman.
Here’s another one for you: ‘Love is a bourgeois construct’. You’re welcome!
The Good Greatsby
July 26, 2013
Whether it’s the taxman or a relative with his hand out, I’m more than happy to share wisdom over money.
Elyse
July 26, 2013
I believe in science, too. So I am willing to win tonight’s lottery and become a lab rat. There is a lottery tonight, right?
Frank
July 26, 2013
There are many people that have been afforded that opportunity with say winning a large Lottery jackpot. And most of them have not invested wisely and look where they are now. No money, deeper in debt, in jail, and back into poverty. Money will make you happy for a while, like you said, but in the end it all depends on how you use that money. So if you have money use it wisely.
Peace!!!
The Guat
July 26, 2013
Ha! I’m with you on this one. I wrote a very similar post three months ago about money and those people that say money doesn’t buy you happiness … dude they’re just not trying hard enough. They’re really not 🙂 Nothing to do with the jealousy thing at all … it’s just a plain fact that having money provides you with less sucky options. Pure science.
The Good Greatsby
July 26, 2013
I’m sure there’s an exact figure that correlate with happiness. Maybe those people who think they can vouch for money not buying happiness need just a little bit more.
The Guat
July 27, 2013
Yeah … maybe they do need more. But then again I don’t think they know what they’re doing. They should definitely fork it over our way. 🙂
lizbethmarie
July 26, 2013
It may not buy happiness but it will pay my bills which would make me happy so in the end it’s not going to make my life worse. I’d be willing to volunteer for the study, like you said, only for the sake of science and the furthering of knowledge.
The Good Greatsby
July 26, 2013
Paying bills is an important step towards being happy. It’s so much easier to figure out what makes me happy while the electricity is working.
Crankydem
July 26, 2013
Here here! Now off to buy some lotto tickets! 😉
List of X
July 26, 2013
I always respect those who are willing to sacrifice themselves for science. Maybe money can’t buy happiness, but apparently it can buy my respect.
The Good Greatsby
July 26, 2013
The list of things money can buy just keeps growing and growing.
barbedwords
July 26, 2013
As Patrizia Gucci said, “I would rather cry in a Rolls-Royce than be happy on a bicycle.”
The Good Greatsby
July 26, 2013
Are you sure Gucci was the first to say that? Sounds like something Gandhi might have said.
pegoleg
July 26, 2013
Money CAN’T buy happiness. But it sure as heck can rent it for a while.
The Good Greatsby
July 26, 2013
And I’m perfectly okay with renting. I just need to buy some time until I can figure out how to obtain happiness on a permanent ownership basis.
Ankur Mithal
July 26, 2013
Are you saying that there is a debate on this issue??
Ape No. 1
July 26, 2013
Yet science is always asking for those generous research grants which seems in my view to contradict their own findings on the topic. Yeah, I am looking at you quantum mechanics!
The Good Greatsby
July 28, 2013
I’m willing to sign any petition demanding quantum mechanics explain itself.
Snoring Dog Studio
July 26, 2013
I’d be willing to give it a try. Please. Let me be a test subject.
The Good Greatsby
July 28, 2013
If the scientists are looking for a second volunteer I’ll submit your name.
mbaignoire
July 26, 2013
Actually, at first scientists concluded that money did bring you happiness up to the point where you had enough of it for all that you need (not want, need). But there’s been a recent study that says having more than that does make you happier, too.
And to be honest, I think it’s perfectly logical. I personally think that to say that money’s not important you have to never have had too little of it.
PinotNinja
July 27, 2013
You are truly a generous and brave soul to be willing to dedicate yourself to science like this. Someone should really throw a parade in your honor. And then give you an extra million dollars.
silkpurseproductions
July 28, 2013
I couldn’t agree with you more. Show me the money and let me decide if I am happy or not!
The Good Greatsby
July 28, 2013
Exactly. I might need to try it out for a few decades before I’m ready to make up my mind.
Betsy Andrews Etchart
July 28, 2013
I am happiest when I am on a bike. That money bought.
HoaiPhai
July 28, 2013
Does anyone know where I can rent some money so I can find out if it can buy happiness?
The Good Greatsby
July 28, 2013
A money rental service sounds like a terrific business idea. Maybe that’s how I’ll make my money.
pmahaney
July 28, 2013
I realized just how brave you were when you said you would bring that shallow girl home for Mrs. Greatsby to see. But when you said you would volunteer to take a million dollars for a year, I nearly fainted, such raw courage. I think that since you were going to take that risk perhaps you should have gone for broke, and asked for 2 million! Imagine how those scientist would have been even more impressed with your daring.
The Good Greatsby
July 28, 2013
Actually I was talking about Mrs. Greatsby.
pmahaney
July 28, 2013
Whoops…my apologies. Still you are a very brave man, and happy.
pmahaney
July 28, 2013
Excuse my presumption, but I was assuming the party would be held at your palatial mansion, invested in the test for happiness.
merrynchristmas
July 28, 2013
Reblogged this on Merryn Christmas.
cooper
July 30, 2013
Oh my – Todd returns. Money buys beer – which can lead to excessive, if not wholly remembered, happiness.
girlseule
August 3, 2013
I’d be willing to have a million thrown my way to test out if money makes you happy…. only fir the sake of science. I reckon money as better at keeping you from being downright miserable than it is at making you really happy.
One Classy Motha
August 7, 2013
But money can buy you happiness, they’re called anti-depressants. It’s an off-label use.
Rebecca
August 7, 2013
Money bought me my Nespresso and milk frother….that’s glorious happiness in a cup every morning. Of course, it also bought me my Fitbit which is Satan. Toss up?
She's a Maineiac
August 8, 2013
Greetings and salutations! Just a friendly note that I do believe you are not blogging enough for my taste. Also, I may be drunk right now. Cheers!
pegoleg
August 8, 2013
Hey Darldrunkipoo – I’m following you around in case you need a designated blogger to get you home.
The Good Greatsby
August 11, 2013
I was just thinking about you. One of my business partners is from Maine and I asked him if he knew Darla and he said he knew four.
She's a Maineiac
August 11, 2013
teehee
Of course he does. but all you had to say was “Well, I know the best one.”
gingerjudgesyou
August 13, 2013
“Having people hit on you is a pretty fun distraction from being unhappy”- it really is! Well done!
wade@avoiceformyson.com
August 13, 2013
The latter half of that saying was lost somewhere in history, maybe because it doesn’t give the warm fuzzies. “Money can’t buy you happiness but poverty can guarantee you misery”
eyna
August 22, 2013
My dream is to visit as many countries as I can and stay at each country at least a month or two or more. I’m gonna need a lot a money for that and that will take a lifetime to fullfill, and therefore = happiness. 🙂
Ellen Nguyen
August 24, 2013
Good point sir. But I think the question should be, how much money do one need since it shouldn’t be a debate whether money can buy happiness or not anymore as it certainly can.
P/s: I love your style of writing!
toddfisk
January 5, 2014
How delightful it would be to have actual vast stockpiles of real wealth at one’s disposal. Whether it be at the behest of an anonymous donor, a successful business, recklessly aggressive counterfeiting, or a combination of these sources, the concept of violent independent wealth is nothing short of thrilling. I would gladly saw off my teeth and eat creamed corn for over a month to achieve this.
roomatescomicstrip
March 27, 2014
Money can buy you your own personal trampoline. Try looking sad on a trampoline!
printedcartoon
August 18, 2014
No. Money doesn’t buy happiness. But money buys me a sweet vacation, a nice car, freedom. Try to be happy without those things. Sadly, money are the foundation of modern society.