I’ve Had a Lovely Time…But This Wasn’t It

Posted on July 19, 2013


A recent study confirmed what our gut was already telling us: Baseball is pretty boring. A Wall Street Journal study estimates the typical 3-hour game contains more than two and a half hours of waiting and only 17 minutes and 58 seconds of actual action. This means 90% of a baseball game is spent standing around, waiting for something interesting to happen, but, then again, doesn’t that time ratio kind of describe the rest of your life?

This study has inspired curious scientists to examine other activities to determine whether the actual time value matches our expectations.

When parents speak at a graduation dinner and say raising their 18-year-old was sometimes a challenge but always worth it, scientists estimate the “worth it” portion of those 18 years only added up to a total of 3 months and 4 days.

After you spend 10 minutes telling someone about a dream you just had, and they say, “Wow, that’s so cool!” in actuality the only moment in the 10-minute telling they found “so cool” was the moment you stopped.

Parents spend a cumulative total of 16 hours uttering the words, “I’m doing this for your own good. You’ll thank me for this some day.” And when a child grows to be an adult he spends a cumulative 1 hour thanking his parents for all they did, immediately followed by a cumulative 32 hours begging to borrow money.

For all you kids out there, when television and film mention how wonderful sex is, the actual enjoyable portion of sex equals zero seconds and the remaining portion is incredibly painful. The painful truth about sex explains why the media promotes sex so heavily, because nobody would ever procreate if they weren’t tricked into doing it.

Although the TV show is called Two and a Half Men, scientists have discovered a typical half hour of the show only contains enough humor to satisfy one quarter of a man at most.

Scientists were surprised when they examined your child’s dance recital. They had always assumed the only enjoyable portion of the 3-hour evening would be the 4-minute portion when she was performing, but they discovered not even this segment held value since you only watched her performance through the screen of your iPhone as you recorded, and only realized after you got home and showed her the video that you had focused on the wrong child.


Posted in: Columns