I often wear earplugs when writing in my office, and when I come out I’ve learned I can leave the earplugs in and still understand what the children are saying, because they’re invariably asking one of two questions: ‘Are you going out tonight?’ and ‘What time will you be home?’
I was a kid once, too, and no matter how innocently they’d like these questions to sound, I know what they really mean.
What they say: Are you going out tonight?
What they mean: I sure hope you’re going out so we can go through your drawers looking for expensive electronics we can drop. Also, if there’s time we plan to find every flashlight in the house, turn them on, then forget about them so the batteries will be drained in case of an emergency.
What they say: What time will you be home?
What they mean: If you say our bedtime is 9:30 but you’ll be home at 10:30, that means our bedtime is 10:29.
My wife used to feel guilty when we would go out for the evening and leave the kids behind, and their question ‘Are you going out tonight?’ was interpreted as an indirect plea not to deprive them of our company.
What she says: I feel bad about leaving the kids behind.
What she means: I feel like I should say I feel bad about leaving the kids, so I can pretend I didn’t want to go and then let you talk me into going, so if the house burns down I can say it was your fault.
It took me a long time to make her realize her guilt was a form of self-flattery, because no 11-year-old enjoys his mom’s company so much that he wouldn’t rather have the house to himself on a Friday night. I think I made her feel better when I assured her they wouldn’t miss our company one bit while watching Cinemax in between searching high, rickety shelves for junk food.
Recently, my kids were complaining about how little television we let them watch, and I told them my mom rarely let us watch TV when I was young. When the kids left, my wife asked, ‘Then how do you know the plotlines of every 80s TV show?’
Because I caught up on those important television lessons while my parents were neglecting us while they selfishly attended PTA meetings and volunteered in the community.
‘Are you going out tonight?’ Their voices are so full of hope. If I answer no, they ask, ‘What about tomorrow night? Or the night after? We haven’t seen your friend Arran for a while. Maybe you should give him a call and see if he wants to go out. Maybe he really needs to talk, or something.’
This winter I’ve taken to wearing a sport coat and scarf inside the house, just because I want to get their hopes up.
‘Are you going out tonight?’
‘No. Why?’
‘Because you’re so dressed up. We thought you might be going out.’
‘No. I just wanted to look my best in case the ghost was watching.’
But I understand where they’re coming from because I was a kid once, too.
What I say: Be in bed by 9:30. Don’t go through my stuff. Don’t watch Cinemax.
What I mean: Watch HBO.
The Good Greatsby 
writerdood
March 26, 2013
I wish I was going out tonight – or any night! But my wife has this “thing” about leaving the kids alone. She’s afraid the older one (my daughter) will pick on the younger one (my son). This concern is somewhat valid, but it’s not like we’re going to come home and find a bloody trail from the drawer where the steak knives are kept to the living room. My brother and I never had this problem (although he still blames me for giving him claustrophobia because I trapped him under a bean bag once).
The Good Greatsby
March 26, 2013
If a kid doesn’t learn how to escape from being trapped underneath a bean bag at home, where else is he going to learn it?
arlingtonchronicles
March 27, 2013
Whyyy don’t you just like, get a babysitter?
writerdood
March 27, 2013
We’ve never been able to find one that my wife trusts enough to leave with the kids. And while I “could” (in theory) have my mother watch the kids while we go out, my wife feels like that would be “imposing” on her. My mother already gets them off to school in the morning, so she may be right.
Shackled and Crowned
March 26, 2013
Hehehehehe.
Funny truths.
My girl is 12 and she has that same look of splendor when Mommy goes out.
Almost the same look I have, while leaving to go out.
The Good Greatsby
March 26, 2013
It’s a mutually beneficial arrangement. Nobody needs to pretend to feel guilty.
Shackled and Crowned
March 26, 2013
I don’t pretend. 🙂
I’m a single momma. Her, finally being independent enough to stay home alone after the sun sets, is like a perfect “mommy gift” from the parenting gods.
philosophermouseofthehedge
March 26, 2013
Joys of childhood.
Wearing that sport coat and scarf around inside is a bad a picking up the dog leash and walking around the house…just ’cause you want the dog off the couch.
Ah, the joys of being an adult…
The Good Greatsby
March 26, 2013
I almost want to get a dog just so I can do that.
philosophermouseofthehedge
March 26, 2013
I can’t lie. It’s fun
collzorgs
March 26, 2013
HAHAHAAHAHA. I have been that kid, and I’m sure my kids will ask the same questions.
The Good Greatsby
March 26, 2013
Friday night is more fun when you think you’re getting away with something. It’s no fun staying home alone on Friday night anymore because my wife let’s me stay up as late as I want on every other day of the week.
collzorgs
March 27, 2013
I love Friday Night trouble!
Bridgesburning Chris King
March 26, 2013
What I say: Ah you seem to have them nailed down. An excellent insight to the juvenile mind.
What I mean: Poor fellow. They dangle the obvious in front of you to give you a false sense of security – when in fact the truth is they won’t search and seek when you are out, they will build and secure whole worlds, probably in a multiverse. Which reminds me to ask if you would do a piece on the Greatsbys of the multiverse?
The Good Greatsby
March 26, 2013
I’m not even sure what a multiverse is. Just when I think I couldn’t be any more out of the loop as a parent you give me something new to worry about.
The Cutter
March 26, 2013
It was awesome when my parents went out. I didn’t actually do anything, but because I was unattended, it SEEMED like I might be doing something wrong.
The Good Greatsby
March 26, 2013
It’s more fun doing nothing on your own. It’s harder to convince people you had an exciting weekend when your parents were around to witness your boredom the whole time.
thesinglecell
March 26, 2013
You have cable? Premium channels?!
The Good Greatsby
March 26, 2013
We have the Asian versions of the premium channels so they’re pretty tame.
thesinglecell
March 26, 2013
When I was a kid and my parents went out, the best I could hope for were glimpses of fragmented shots through the scrambled signal. And that wasn’t until the ’90s.
TBM
March 26, 2013
Oh the good old days. Sadly we didn’t have Cinemax when I was a kid. Man I was so deprived.
The Good Greatsby
March 26, 2013
The best part of Cinemax was complaining how terrible Cinemax was.
silkpurseproductions
March 27, 2013
Wow! I can’t believe how tame you all are…or…perhaps I am just a bad seed. We got into way worse trouble than that when the “folks” were absent. The adults would be grateful if we did the stuff you are talking about. This could explain a lot about my life.
The Good Greatsby
March 27, 2013
I think kids will only rebel so far. If we’re told we can’t watch TV, our rebellion is watching TV. If we’d been told not to plan any crimes, that would have been a different story.
Laura
March 27, 2013
I wonder how far you can take this. Next time, try saying something like “we wanted to go out tonight, but then we noticed how dirty the grout is in the shower, and we just can’t bring ourselves to leave the house until someone scrubs it really thoroughly with a toothbrush”.
The Good Greatsby
March 27, 2013
We haven’t tried that with our kids yet although we did try it with our friends as a test of how much they really wanted us to go out.
Mark Petruska
March 27, 2013
When we go out, we don’t actually tell them we’re going out, because then they’ll know that we’re going out and hijinks may ensue. Instead, we tell them the next morning that we went out the night before and oh, ha-ha, you thought we were in bed all that time? The looks on their precious little faces are priceless.
The Good Greatsby
March 27, 2013
We tried the same thing when we went on vacation for two weeks and told them we were just in our room and needed some quiet time.
Go Jules Go
March 27, 2013
Lately, I’m prettttty sure when my husband asks if I’m “blogging tonight,” he’s actually looking for a free pass to watch March Madness.
What he doesn’t know is that I’m actually just climbing the rickety shelves for snacks.
The Good Greatsby
March 27, 2013
My wife asks me if I’ll climb the high rickety shelves in the hopes I’ll fall and she’ll be able to go out by herself.
dianasschwenk
March 27, 2013
haha my daughter used to say Mom would you like a cookie? What she meant was – say yes and tell me to get one for myself too.
The Good Greatsby
March 27, 2013
It’s important for kids to learn manipulation at home instead of relying on the real world to teach them.
Dana
March 27, 2013
I could have really used this post when I was a fresh-into-junior-high babysitter. Where I *could* have used subtle psychology to my advantage (e.g. getting paid to watch movies while my charges slept like blissful angels), I ended up staying up until midnight trying to control two hyperactive boys. And failing miserably. Where were you when I was 12, GG??
The Good Greatsby
March 27, 2013
I’m pretty sure I was giving that same advice back when you were 12, but it was published in a newsletter limited in circulation to my siblings.
Dana
March 27, 2013
It was probably zine style, too. Unless you knew LINUX or some other super nerdy coding language…
Jorie
March 27, 2013
Just once, you should pull the “We’re going out” line, drive around the block, and barge in like police officers breaking up a party. If only to blog about it for us!
The Good Greatsby
March 27, 2013
Sometimes I do call and say we’ll be home in an hour and then we pop in five minutes later.
gerknoop
March 27, 2013
My parents used to go to Las Vegas for the weekend at least once a month and I LOVED IT! but I pretended that I didn’t! Those trips were the best part of my childhood! lolol I was around 14 when they started that and it went on until I moved out of the house and can you believe I never ONCE had a party!???? My brother? another story!!
The Good Greatsby
March 27, 2013
Vacations were the best. Sometimes my parents would be gone a full week and older siblings would babysit. We’d act so sad when they left.
Kimm
March 27, 2013
I used to always search the house for adoption paperwork, while my parents were out… I don’t recall why I was SO damned sure that I was adopted… I’m not.
The Good Greatsby
March 27, 2013
I also searched for adoption paperwork, but for my siblings.
susielindau
March 27, 2013
My son was always to anxious for us to leave. He would remind us of the time. It always made me wonder….I guess we had cable TV at the time and computers. All kinds of trouble to get into!
Where’ve you been????
The Good Greatsby
March 27, 2013
I had two big deadlines with other writing projects and had to take a break from the blog. I’m trying to write twice a week for the time being.
susielindau
March 28, 2013
Excellent! For Huff Post?
The Good Greatsby
March 28, 2013
I now write the back page humor column for Time Out Shanghai magazine and wrote a play that’s about to start production. I’ve also been busy recording and producing my radio show comedy album.
susielindau
March 28, 2013
Wow! You are a busy guy! You’ll have to keep us posted. Is there a link to your column?
The Good Greatsby
March 29, 2013
Right now they’re only available in the magazine.
susielindau
March 29, 2013
Dang! Well good luck with everything. Sounds like a lot of balls in the air, but you are the master juggler!
The Guat
March 27, 2013
Ha ha. I’m kind of glad my kids are still young enough to actually miss me when I’m gone. But the guilt factor goes up massive amounts when I actually do get a chance to go out. So I’m a lot like your wife 🙂 I love her quote by the way. 🙂
The Good Greatsby
March 28, 2013
Our kids only miss us when we’re doing something more fun than they’re doing, like the time my wife and I went to Disneyland while the kids got vaccinations.
She's a Maineiac
March 27, 2013
Quick–who gets the commercial, Stephanie or D.J.? (the kids are making me watch Full House right now)
Reading this post makes me long for the old days in the 70s when parents could just leave their kids for huge blocks of time without ever telling them they were gone or if they’d be coming back. Helped us kids build character. We used our time wisely though. My brothers would spend it pushing each other on the portable dishwasher around the house while having ketchup-wars and watching a marathon of R-rated movies.
Go Jules Go
March 27, 2013
Is Full House trivia really happening right now? Because I GOT THIS.
She's a Maineiac
March 27, 2013
JD–what was Joey feeding Michelle in her crib while he was babysitting her? (you have ten seconds to answer…tick, tick, tick)
The Good Greatsby
March 28, 2013
Stephanie gets the commercial, right? But she gets her comeuppance years later when Michelle butts in front of her in the line for Disneyland and Michelle ends up being the person in line who becomes princess for a day.
She's a Maineiac
March 28, 2013
Whoa. I am impressed, G! I have no clue if you’re right, but you sound pretty convincing…
Snoring Dog Studio
March 27, 2013
Frankly, as a child, I always feared those nights my parents would go out. Then I was left with four siblings, four of whom were dastardly and cruel.
The Good Greatsby
March 29, 2013
I’m sure your parents felt lucky to have at least one undastardly child.
Snoring Dog Studio
March 30, 2013
I was the favorite. Still am.
fanficwriterforfun
March 28, 2013
I do this with my father all the time. “You going out tonight?” “No why?” Out-loud: No reason. In my head: Because I wanted to stay up all night and watch Kung Fu movies on Netflix, and eat all the food I want without you wanting some.
The Good Greatsby
March 29, 2013
Those sound like very reasonable reasons.
The Lone Strang-er Than You
March 30, 2013
You should let him know that, it’s like a 24 hour job trying to get him out of the house now. I’ll never get a step-mother I can’t stand if he doesn’t go do something! My Netflix misses me.
spilledinkguy
March 28, 2013
I once had a fish that looked like he was wondering if I was about to go out. By the time he’d completed half a lap around the bowl he’d already forgotten I never do.
The Good Greatsby
March 29, 2013
I’m sure he’s happy to be able to rely on your consistency.
The Dimwit Diary
April 9, 2013
I grew up with 10 brothers and sisters so my parents NEVER went out. It sucked. But there were so many of us, that one of the kids was always running some kind of interference. We still managed a way into their drawers and to drain the flashlight batteries. Funny post.
muddledmom
April 22, 2013
I can’t wait until my kids are old enough to be left alone. We’re almost there. When the kids get older, you should come in through the back door every now and then. That’s the door the friends sneak out of when you pull up.
HoaiPhai
July 4, 2013
For a modest finder’s fee I can put you in touch with my older brother who used to babysit me and my sister when our parents went out. If you put him on you babysitter payroll I guarantee that your kids will change their tune to “You aren’t going out tonight, are you?”
pmahaney
July 8, 2013
I am so glad I finally read this, now I can speak children!
tanyadoodle
August 1, 2013
Congratulations- You’ve won the Versatile Bloggers Award. Feel free to take it or leave it!