But I am Just a Man

I am just a man.

A normal, average man. Please, don’t treat me any differently.

I put my pants on one leg at a time—just like you—except my pants cost 300 dollars and I’ll only wear them once.

But I am just a man, the same as other men. I have regular guy stresses, like paying bills, except my bills are for goods and services you won’t hear about for another ten years.

But I am just a man. I have my guilty pleasures. I read vapid celebrity magazines like People, Hello, and Star. I have to know all the gossip about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie so I’ll know what topics not to mention when we have dinner tonight.

But I am just a man. I’m not any better than you. I like the same sports you like. I watch the Super Bowl just like everybody else, although I find the ending less exciting because the NFL commissioner gives me the final score a week early.

But I am just a man. I wait in line at the movies just like everybody else, although I’m in the VIP line, waiting for the 90-minute good version of The Hobbit.

But I am just a man. Please, don’t place me on a pedestal, because I have my faults. Sometimes I’m not completely honest, like earlier when I said I put my pants on one leg at a time even though I actually put them on two legs at a time—but that’s the only setting available on the robot that dresses me in the morning.

But I am just a man. And when I say I’m the same as other men I mean we’re the same because we specifically all have XY sex chromosomes. If we’re talking about something else, like talents, looks, and smarts, then I am not the same, and am in fact, much, much better.

But I am just a man. I’m not special. I eat at the same restaurants as you, except I come in through a private entrance, and if I find my private room too cold the coatcheck girl brings me your coat.

But I am just a man. I’m not any more successful with women than the next guy, and in making this comparison I’m assuming the next guy is also very, very successful with women.

But I am just a man. I suffer from regular aches and pains, except my headaches result from moving objects with my mind.

But I am just a man. I hate going to the dentist, just like you. There’s nothing I dread more than visiting the dentist every ten years to have my platinum enamel replaced.

But I am just a man. My luck isn’t any better than yours. I’ve never won anything at a casino or in the lottery or a drawing, mostly because I’m on the committee that decides who’s going to win those things and selecting myself would be a conflict of interest.

But I am just a man. Don’t consider me any better, just because all other people do.

I am just a man.