Some people like to recite an affirmation as they look at themselves in the mirror each morning. Mrs. Greatsby likes to motivate herself by reading from a Post-It note pinned to the mirror listing the world’s most eligible bachelors.
I don’t mind because I know whenever George Clooney is on the list she’ll do something fancy with her hair.
She’s out of town right now so I’ve been keeping the list updated in her absence, and when she returns she’ll find the eligible bachelor gods have given as well as taken away. Just when ladies all over the world began celebrating the news that Robert Pattinson and his Twilight co-star, Kristen Stewart, might be breaking up, their enthusiasm was immediately tempered by news that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un is off the market.
Not every woman dreams of marrying a dictator, but for the handful that do, they realize how rarely a single dictator comes along and are kicking themselves over the lost opportunity.
But ladies, marrying Kim Jong-Un might not turn out to be the fairytale marriage you dreamed of as a little girl. Yes, he has his own country, and that may be impressive to your old classmates when you introduce him at high school reunions, but he also believes he’s the reincarnation of his grandfather so you know things are going to get weird in the bedroom.
And you know he’ll never help out around the house or change diapers or agree to let your sister and her kids stay at the palace for a couple months while she’s going through another divorce.
Maybe you have a thing for the bad boys and were convinced you could have changed Kim Jong-Un; maybe you’d convince him to swap the military garb for a polo shirt and some chinos, and he’d meet your parents at the country club and realize how pleasant domestic, non-dictatorial life can be?
But here’s the flaw in your plan: putting up with disapproving in-laws and attending neighborhood barbecues is what drives some men to want to be dictators.
If you can’t be dissuaded, and you absolutely have your heart set on snagging a dictator, there’s still hope, because in the world of dictators it’s always better to be the second wife.
…..
Congratulations to the caption contest finalists. Vote in the caption contest here.
Laura
July 30, 2012
Why would my sister need a divorce? Couldn’t I just ask my dictator husband to sentence my no-good brother-in-law to death?
The Good Greatsby
July 30, 2012
That’s a good point. When it comes to dictators you’re obviously a glass-half-full type of person.
on thehomefrontandbeyond
July 30, 2012
lol – good post – I for one, am glad he is off the market, but feel sorry for who is off the market with
zannyro
July 30, 2012
For some reason, all I can think of is that famous expression….” heads will roll”
Kharma
July 30, 2012
Ha! Yes. Heads WILL roll. Hers. Yikes.
Nandini Godara
July 30, 2012
unhelpful husband and judgmental in-laws? sounds like an Indian marriage to me.
Matt Aromando
July 30, 2012
And talk about good looking! A real shame he’s a one girl guy.
The Good Greatsby
July 30, 2012
I think a one-girl-guy dictator would be unusual.
thelifeofjamie
July 30, 2012
I prefer my dictator a little taller and not allergic to hair gel…
The Good Greatsby
July 30, 2012
There would probably come a day when he realized people were whispering behind his back about you being taller than him, and that’s when you’d get the ax.
thelifeofjamie
July 31, 2012
Literally…although, I’m sure he uses a sword.
Kharma
July 30, 2012
Ha, Jamie….The height would def be an issue. ; ))
What a great post. Got my morning giggles this morning, Greatsby.
joehoover
July 30, 2012
Good on the practical joker who replaced the hand sanitizer with super glue
mistyslaws
July 30, 2012
Well, if everything goes my way . . . maybe he can be my second husband and I his second wife. Now, how to get rid of these pesky people we are already married to? Hmmmmm.
likeablegirl
July 30, 2012
And you know he takes ’til death do us part’ pretty seriously, though it was a little odd when he said ’til your death do us part’…always the gentleman, he obviously believes in the ‘ladies first’ premise even in death.
Man on the Fringe
July 31, 2012
There’s good news for girls who want their own dictator… just look around and you’ll find lots of them who preside over their very own little fiefdom…and sadly it’s probably not just the fiefdom that’s small!
becomingcliche
July 31, 2012
I’m a matchmaker at heart. What about Kristen Stewart and Kim Jong Un?
Evy
July 31, 2012
Could happen, obviously has. She’s prolly already looked into making a movie there and dipping into the Japanese market, since the free world already knows…..
Howlin' Mad Heather
July 31, 2012
Maybe she’ll actually be able to give the poor schlub a decent haircut now.
Tor Constantino, MBA (@torcon)
July 31, 2012
There’s always Hugh Chavez – I hear Venezuela is beautiful this time of year (assuming you survive the secret police raids).
Evy
July 31, 2012
Hmmmmm, I want to know perspective names for any children born of this joyful union………….boy: Little Kimmy….Girl: Little Kimmy…..works. doesn’t it? Hm, and she could call him Old Kim, and the child Young Kim, or let me think about this…..I’m going to be thinking about it all night while I am working…..
Cakes and Shakes...
July 31, 2012
LOL, extremely funny post. And this may put me in the ‘weird’ camp but R-Patz is about as sexy as a moldy gym sock, your wife is welcome to keep him on her list (I have eclectic taste, so I’ll take Jeff Bridges and our UPS delivery guy 🙂 Mind if I add you to my blogroll?
Hippie Cahier
July 31, 2012
I won’t be doing anything fancy with my hair today.
JM Randolph
July 31, 2012
It’s a very good point your raise that in the world of dictators, it’s always better to be the second wife.
Audrey
August 1, 2012
Why, God, why?!?! At least there are still some single mob bosses out there, they’re kind of like dictators – just without the country ruling…
Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants
August 1, 2012
I have a friends who looks exactly like him believe it or not, and ladies……. he’s single!
She's a Maineiac
August 2, 2012
putting up with disapproving in-laws and attending neighborhood barbecues is what drives some men to want to be dictators
Ain’t that the truth!
Why is it that whenever I see this guy, I immediately start imagining him starting up a slow strip-tease? “I’m….too sexy for this shirt…too sexy for this shirt…so sexy it huuuuuurts…”
Dana
August 13, 2012
Darla: this comment will give me nightmares. Thanks for that. 😉
She's a Maineiac
August 13, 2012
It does paint quite the vivid picture, doesn’t it? The kind you will never be able to erase from your memory for as long as you live.
HoaiPhai
August 5, 2012
A couple of years ago I spent a couple of days at South Korean Armed Forces officers’ installation just a few hundred yards north of Kim Jong-Un’s daddy’s former summer condo (the north/south Korean border changed and the condo fell into RoK’s hands). Nice pad!!
I can see why a woman would be attracted to a dictator with trappings like that, the only problem is that most dictators play the field as much as they possibly can so any lady getting involved with one runs the risk of getting a socialist disease.
HoaiPhai
August 5, 2012
Oops, not a condo… it was a cottage.
Carl D'Agostino
August 7, 2012
I am an eligible bachelor since 1984. At 63 now I am eligible for cataract surgery and cornea/lens replacement. I am eligible for social security. I am eligible for medicare. I am eligible for a knee replacement. I am eligible for stents in left and right carotid arteries. I am eligible for senior discounts. I am eligible ,,,,,,Assets. I live 2.5 miles from Miami Beach. My car starts most of the time. Have $78.14 in credit union and I love adventure. As a matter of fact I went to the mall. Two years ago.