My wife is traveling for a couple weeks and I’m searching for ideas to occupy the kids that don’t violate my wife’s list of forbidden activities:
TV
Video games
Crime
We wanted to send them to a summer camp but decided against it when we learned they cost money, and I’ve resorted to finding alternative summer camp possibilities.
My friend and his partner were asking my advice about having kids because they weren’t sure they were ready, so I suggested they take my kids for two weeks as part of a summer camp to test whether or not they were the type of people who enjoy finding dishes under beds and constantly being interrupted.
They declined my generous offer but I haven’t give up. I’ve prepared the following ad to be placed in the local paper:
Are you a couple considering having kids but aren’t sure if you’re ready? Might you benefit from watching my kids for the next two weeks to test your readiness to be a parent?
All your potential parenting skills will be required as my kids test you with challenges such as offering enthusiastic approval of indecipherable artwork and pretending to be interested in scene-by-scene descriptions of video games.
If you’re worried about how you’ll entertain them for two weeks, set up a summer camp full of classic camp activities like art and crafts, sing-a-longs, and cleaning your apartment.
Take them for nature walks around your apartment as they water your plants.
Teach them about animals by allowing them to walk your dogs four times a day.
Have them hike to the corner grocery store and do all your shopping.
Teach them valuable work skills while they serve as waiters at your dinner party.
Roast marshmallows over the stove after they finish the after-dinner dishes.
Teach them about the environment and the importance of recycling as you instruct them to search the neighbor’s dumpster for valuables.
And most importantly, have fun.
And even more importantly, don’t call me with any questions.
Only serious inquiries will receive responses–unless I don’t receive any serious inquiries.
…..
Three cheers for the caption contest winner mistyslaws! Check out her prizes and submit a caption in the new contest.
The Good Greatsby 
thelifeofjamie
July 16, 2012
This is an excellent idea…they are like starter kids- determine if you really want the real thing! Genius!
The Good Greatsby
July 17, 2012
A lot of couples think they want kids based on fifteen minutes of holding a baby but they really need prolonged exposure to kids of multiple ages.
Ricky Anderson
July 16, 2012
Wait a minute – no crime? What kind of mother is she?!?
The Good Greatsby
July 17, 2012
She’s the kind of mother who doesn’t realize it’s better for kids to learn crime at home than learn it on the streets.
susielindau
July 16, 2012
The best baby-sitter I ever hired for my kids, took them on adventures. When I got home there would be a load of their muddy clothes in the washer! Good luck with the ad!
How is the play going?
The Good Greatsby
July 17, 2012
Just finished the play. It went really well and was a lot of fun but I’m glad to be done.
susielindau
July 17, 2012
Wow! Do you have another coming up?
lynne @ gardenmad
July 16, 2012
How about the good old lemonade stand, (although your kitchen floor is sticky for a while) or offering to wash all the neighbours cars? The kids make money and keep busy. Be sure to recoup your start up costs and get a percentage of the take. You can always use your profits to hire a sitter. Win, win! (P.S. I think having both video games and tv on the forbidden list is unrealistic. You don’t want your kids to be social outcasts.)
mistyslaws
July 16, 2012
Yeah, not sure what the laws are in China about this sort of thing, but here in the U.S., that sounds a bit like indentured servitude. Then again, with that extensive list of banned activities, what else CAN you do but send your kids out to some stranger’s home to perform household services? I mean, really.
The Good Greatsby
July 17, 2012
The line between indentured servitude and teaching them how to work hard can be confusing.
philosophermouseofthehedge
July 16, 2012
Don’t forget to practice fine motorskills and improve literacy by having them cut out letters from newspapers/magazines and arrange them into humorous notes to leave on the neighbor’s doors like “I saw what you did”. (or other classic summertime campy sayings!)
(Wearing gloves is recommended – to keep the glue off hands.)
artjen1971
July 16, 2012
Very Clever! Make sure you post your ad for 4 boys, and ask that they include airfare from the U.S, to China for two of them. Thanks, I WILL respond to any inquiries you might have, but nobody else…
Brown Road Chronicles
July 16, 2012
That’s a brilliant idea. All of us parents struggling to keep our kids entertained this summer look forward to your feedback on how this goes.
clemarchives
July 16, 2012
You could always drop them off in the woods for two weeks and tell them you’re testing their survival skills.
Or you could try a variation of your current tactic by having Optimist Prime take care of the Fonz for the two weeks as a test for his own preparedness for parenting. Every failure will only reinforce his fear of having children so I see no problem there!
joehoover
July 16, 2012
I think my parents must have done this when I was a kid…but never picked me up again.
Rich Crete
July 17, 2012
Alternative itinerary
Day1 Total brainwashing using hypnosis drilling in one message and one message only….”Never tell mom what we really did while she was gone. Ever.”
Days 2-14 TV, Video Games & Crime
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 17, 2012
My kids favorite game during summer vacation was “Turning Three Children into Two.” I could have used your tips.
The Good Greatsby
July 17, 2012
My wife is sure to complain if she returns and finds fewer children than she left me with. If we had twelve kids and lost one, she might not notice, but she’s sure to notice if I lose one of our two.
Audrey
July 17, 2012
Funny thing is, this really works! My boyfriend and I were asked to take care of some friends’ kids for a week. Ages 5 and 7. Darling boyfriend isn’t quite so gung-ho to start a family now, we’ll be reassessing in 5 years.
Let us know if you get any serious interest from the ad! It all looks so easy on paper!
Kim
July 17, 2012
2 weeks??? How about 52?
Ian Webster
July 17, 2012
Why give them away when you can get them to do this for you, while you investigate why it is your wife doesn’t want you involved in TV, video games or crime.
likeablegirl
July 17, 2012
I say you let them commit a crime on a video game, then convince them that’s it real and now they have to go confess. Drop them off at the police station and guess what? Daddy gets a vacation too! Should take about 2 weeks of the kids in police custody for the whole mess to get straightened out…
This will also put a halt to the ‘no TV’ rule. Because if you’d been allowed to watch the news, you would’ve known your kids weren’t really at Aunt Ella’s, which is where they said they were crawling to.
You get a vacation. You get to watch TV again. Your kids will NEVER touch a video game or metal toilet seats again. Except for the whole child protective services monitoring over the next year, there are no drawbacks here – and hell, we knew CPS was going to come looking at you eventually anyway. This way, you get them there on your own terms. Right? Right!
writerdood
July 17, 2012
It’s like a kit. You could package this and sell it. Include some smores, a few comic books, a box of band aids, a fire extinguisher, a box of road flares, some air fresheners, and a can of cool aid.
The Good Greatsby
July 17, 2012
You put all that together, I’ll do all the marketing, and we’ll split it 50/50.
pegoleg
July 17, 2012
If you guys ever move back to the US, your kids aren’t going to be able to relate to their peers unless they’re fluent in TV, video games and crime. Just a FYI.
pegoleg
July 17, 2012
“AN” FYI, not “a”. Curse these flying fingers.
The Good Greatsby
July 17, 2012
We’ve realized they’ll have a hard time relating; that’s why I don’t expect they’ll go back until college when video games and crime are less popular.
pegoleg
July 17, 2012
As the mother of 1 in college and 1 already out, let me assure you that video games and crime are still very popular then – they just add copious amounts of alcohol to the mix.
Nandini Godara
July 17, 2012
You sir, are a winning parent!!
thesinglecell
July 17, 2012
Don’t let the wife see your description of things you have to feign interest in. She’ll know you’ve broken the “no video games” rule.
She's a Maineiac
July 17, 2012
I like your plan. Great population control. I think I’ll send mine out to childless couples too and between the two of us the human race should be extinct in about a month.
Still laughing at the dishes under the bed and constant interruptions line…sounds like my kids, and my husband.
The Good Greatsby
July 17, 2012
The constant interruptions have caused me to do a lot of soul-searching: if people constantly interrupt me, maybe I’m not half as engaging as I thought.
Ape No. 1
July 17, 2012
No crime is a crime!
Michelle Gillies
July 17, 2012
Heheheh…you reminded me of some days gone by. I don’t have children and always wanted them. However, I was of course everyone’s favourite Aunt. Most of my friends and family had kids so I use to phone everyone and ask them if they would like to get rid of their kids for a few days. No kidding, I would barely hang up the phone before there would be a knock at my door and before I knew it I would have a dozen or more kids to hang out with. We had a blast. 🙂
Val
July 18, 2012
Great idea. Your wife’s okay with them using the computer? Just think, the new family might have an accordian they can learn to play, and a wind-up gramaphone they can enjoy in the evening.
The Good Greatsby
July 18, 2012
We do have a gramophone but they’re not allowed to touch that either.
lazylauramaisey
July 18, 2012
Had any responses?
The Good Greatsby
July 18, 2012
No takers yet.
lazylauramaisey
July 19, 2012
That surprises me. I thought people would be all over it like flies on shit.
HoaiPhai
August 5, 2012
If no one bites, may I suggest that you consider what part of the world you’re in an do what Asian parents have been doing for millennia? Ship the kids off to a monestary for the summer to be novice monks. Just don’t send them to that Shaolin place… you’ll not be able to push them around so much when they come back.