Well, we’re a month into the kids’ summer vacation and that means I’ve started 30 straight mornings asking the mirror why kids get a summer vacation.
Why do kids get time off? They’re just going to forget half the stuff they learned during the previous year. They’ll waste at least a month of the new school year relearning what clothes the school bully doesn’t like them to wear. They’ll forget Dad can only pretend to be interested in one art project a day–two projects will exhaust his stock of non-sarcastic compliments. Although I don’t mind them forgetting that Dad always comes to school performances late and leaves extremely early.
I don’t want this summer to be a complete waste from an educational perspective, and that’s why I’m devoting time to teaching them life lessons. I’ve made a list of classic character-building experiences I’d like them to have accomplished by the end of the summer:
Having a pet: So they’ll understand how easy it is to ignore things and be more empathetic to Mom and Dad’s fluctuating levels of attentiveness.
Building a treehouse: So they’ll learn a distrust of government after a city official tears it down for lack of proper permits.
Starting a lemonade stand: So they’ll learn lemonade isn’t nearly as
popular as the abundance of stands would suggest.
Being left behind: So they’ll learn that our love may be unconditional but our memory isn’t. The responsibility to be memorable lies squarely on their shoulders.
Spending the night in a haunted house: So they learn the awful consequences murder can have on real estate values.
Speaking in public: So they’ll have broad exposure to a range of bored faces and recognize the importance of faking interest in what others are saying.
Violin lessons: So they’ll always have a skill for quickly getting rid of people when they want to be alone.
Saving money to buy something they really wanted: So when their purchase is ultimately disappointing they’ll learn how deceptive advertising can be.
The Good Greatsby 
She's a Maineiac
July 10, 2012
Those boys are lucky to have you.
I think I’ll have to take up violin very soon.
I had a lemonade stand. My brothers opened their own stand just a few feet away from mine for half the price I was charging, AND they tried to sell some of my Strawberry Shortcake dolls on the side. Taught me a powerful lesson: Brothers suck.
The Good Greatsby
July 10, 2012
Ha! That’s hilarious.
Another tragic example of capitalism tearing families apart.
She's a Maineiac
July 10, 2012
Because you found my sad little story hilarious tells me you have a sister. You guys are ruthless. Tell your sister I feel her deep repressed pain and torment. (shaking head and tsk-ing)
The Good Greatsby
July 11, 2012
I didn’t even have to set up a rival stand; I put her out of business by spreading rumors about her disreputable family.
She's a Maineiac
July 11, 2012
Clever. You managed to crush your sister’s spirit without even lifting a finger!
Brown Road Chronicles
July 11, 2012
Your brothers sound like Sam Walton!
mimijk
July 10, 2012
Having them read all their dad’s posts – not sure what they’ll learn, but their comments may provide more fuel for further posts..and so on,,
The Good Greatsby
July 10, 2012
If only I could get them to read my blog. Their response would provide fodder for even more posts.
mimijk
July 12, 2012
Well, if this was done under the auspices of ‘breaking their spirit” – I think you would be surprised at how much they enjoyed it!
writerdood
July 10, 2012
Why did we have to put the piano in the living room?
The Good Greatsby
July 10, 2012
Was it to keep the keep the kids out of the living room while they were avoiding practicing the piano at all costs?
on thehomefrontandbeyond
July 10, 2012
hmm – I think you may be approaching this thing a little glass half empty – nevertheless it is lol funny – and who says getting our kids ready for real life is not a good thing
The Good Greatsby
July 10, 2012
We can’t count on schools to teach them any of these important lessons.
Bridgesburning Chris King
July 10, 2012
Dear dear GG how fortunate the wee ones are to have your leadership and guidance especially the pet experience. That is my fave next to being left behind. The world needs more Dads like you. Perhaps you could run a course?
The Good Greatsby
July 10, 2012
That’s a good idea. Maybe teaching others to manipulate their children will be just as much fun as manipulating my own.
Bridgesburning Chris King
July 10, 2012
Hey it would be perfect if you can find a way to charge them for it!
beachesandpeaches
July 10, 2012
My baby’s only 8 months now but I know I’ll be asking the mirror the same thing. Which is why I’m already saving up for summer sleep-away camp. I highly recommend it! (I went for 8 summers myself – my lucky parents! – and still have all my friends from it, we were even bridesmaids in each others weddings. Yes we even cried at end of summer just like in Wet Hot American Summer, hahaha).
The Good Greatsby
July 10, 2012
We really wanted our kids to go to summer camp but we live in China and haven’t found any summer camps. We’re trying to convince childless friends to take them as an opportunity to decide whether they want kids.
georgettesullins
July 10, 2012
No wonder summer school isn’t popular with kids.
The Good Greatsby
July 10, 2012
I’ve heard school during the rest of the year isn’t very popular either.
tryingtowriteit
July 10, 2012
My baby brother learned the violin. That point made me spit coffee. Soooo unattractive!
The Good Greatsby
July 10, 2012
The violin doesn’t sound good for years and years. At least the piano sounds tolerable after a year or two.
Glynis
July 11, 2012
And the worst part about a violin is that the sound goes directly into the ear of the musician. At least with a beginning clarinetist, the squawking and squeaking is aimed at the floor and the poor cat !
The Good Greatsby
July 11, 2012
Excellent point. The violinist is punishing himself as much as anyone else.
Love & Lunchmeat
July 10, 2012
Just don’t get them a fish. They’re far too easy to kill, which teaches the wrong lesson entirely. My kids are at summer camp. It’s like bedtime, only better…
The Good Greatsby
July 10, 2012
We couldn’t find a summer camp within a reasonable distance of our home, so we’re trying an imagination summer camp and pretending the kids aren’t here.
susielindau
July 10, 2012
So what kind of pet are they getting Paul? I hope it’s a puppy or kitten then you can record them and become a viral Youtube sensation. This could be another lesson. “How to make money if you don’t get into college….”
Michael
July 10, 2012
I should think bagpipe lessons would be even more effective than violin lessons. Plus, they’d get to wear kilts. Win-win all around.
mistyslaws
July 10, 2012
Teach them to cook: That way they can experience the joy of the persons having to eat the food being highly disappointed in your cooking skills and demanding PB&J instead.
Get a paper route: That way they will understand the value of getting to sleep past dawn and maybe leave their parents alone and let them sleep past the butt crack of the early morning.
clemarchives
July 10, 2012
Offer them some money cleaning the house for the summer, but then when it’s all done teach them about taxes by taking a portion of it! Scaled to their total earnings of course. Though really you can make up the number in your own home because you are the absolute monarch.
kilolson
July 11, 2012
I had a limonade stand once upon a time. It taught me the value of foot traffic, and how my driveway has none.
The Good Greatsby
July 11, 2012
After four hours without a single customer, every kid learns that same lemonade stand lesson–‘Oh, yeah, I live in a boring neighborhood and nobody ever passes my house. If nobody ever passes my house, what are the chances of selling any lemonade?’
Hippie Cahier
July 11, 2012
It’s never too early to start teaching them about real estate values.
The Good Greatsby
July 11, 2012
I agree. You buy a haunted house thinking you’ll get rid of the ghost and immediately increase the home value but it’s always harder to get rid of a ghost than you expect.
Audrey
July 11, 2012
Ah, a father’s burdened heart… Gotta teach them those life lessons sooner or later!
thelifeofjamie
July 11, 2012
What about cooking lessons…?
The Good Greatsby
July 11, 2012
My wife has already been working on that. She’s taught them the important life lesson of exactly how we take our coffee.
yellowcat
July 11, 2012
You are a great parent for teaching them these valuable lessons. Most parents let their kids lay on the couch and play video games all summer.
cooper
July 11, 2012
Gadzooks…what a great curriculum that would be for those last exhausting 4 weeks of school. you could teach part-time!
Ape No. 1
July 11, 2012
How long are your kid’s holidays? My kids only get two weeks which is well within the limits of how long a human can go without being fed.
The Good Greatsby
July 11, 2012
Ten weeks. And we have to feed them because they’d just steal some of our food while they were preparing it.
abbyandthenew
July 11, 2012
Reblogged this on Abbyandthenew's Blog.
nicholasinfante
July 11, 2012
This is hilarious! I’m scheduling my vasectomy tomorrow. Please check out my blog if you enjoy a good laugh!
Dana
July 12, 2012
Summer break used to seem so awesome as a child. I never thought about it from the perspective of a parent, though, but once I did, I vowed never to have children of my own. 😉
Kim
July 12, 2012
Violin??? Why not Cow Bell?
shortcutting
July 12, 2012
Your kids are going to come out of the summer as real men. Regardless of whether they went into it as boys or not. Might I also suggest getting those one of those kiddie leashes for when you take them out for walks, so they can learn that they’ll never truly be free.
Michelle Gillies
July 12, 2012
Truly very wise life lessons. Someday…maybe not for a really long time…but someday they will thank you.
Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson
July 12, 2012
Outstanding. Yes. Yes. Yes. Year round school! Outstanding. Maybe pull out an entire book of math worksheets that are three age levels past their difficulty. That’ll teach them how to deal with tremendous frustration. Psyched to be on your team.
spilledinkguy
July 12, 2012
If you didn’t like my macaroni Christmas wreath you could have just told me. Geez.
pegoleg
July 13, 2012
Go for the lemonade stand as a double-win. They’ll learn that lemonade isn’t all that popular as WELL as learning about local government when they get shut down for not having a food-vendor’s permit.
philosophermouseofthehedge
July 17, 2012
Nothing like hands-on learning and life skills!
HoaiPhai
August 5, 2012
As a kid my lemonade stand was a huge success. I served two varieties, the stuff for the kids and a tequila-based citrus beverage for their dads. I bought a motorcycle before I was old enough to be licensed to drive.