I continue to recover from a back/neck injury and have had to cut down my posts as I’ve suffered some nerve problems in my hands and the doctor told me typing sixteen hours a day wasn’t helping. My recent back injury has forced me to adapt a recurring joke: In the past whenever people would complain about their bad backs, I would always try and relate by claiming I also suffered from a weak spine but that my problems were more figurative. Now I can claim a weak spine both figuratively and literally. Prepare to be one-upped, my fellow back pain sufferers of the world.
After almost three weeks of chiropractor visits, spinal adjustments, traction, massage, physical therapy, acupuncture, and Chinese fire cupping, I’m happy to announce that my back is in the exact same condition as it was three weeks ago.
And after undergoing so many painful procedures without experiencing any results, it’s hard not to wonder whether the pain to fix the pain is really worth it, especially when the pain to fix the pain costs so much money. The original pain I got for free.
I hope I get better soon because it makes me so melancholy to think my injured back will prevent me from being a strong male influence on my sons.
Who’s going to teach them how to punch a horse?
Who’s going to help them build a tunnel into the neighbor’s basement?
Who’s going to show them how to roll a body up in a carpet?
Who’s going to show them how to pretend to bend over to drop a coin in a busker’s guitar case and pull away a fiver instead? That kind of bending will be impossible.
Many friends have experienced back trouble and are happy to offer suggestions, and once they hear I’ve tried Chinese fire cupping, it’s hard to insist there are some things I’m just not willing to try. I’m now considering the following treatments:
Seance: I’m hoping to contact the spirit of my healthy back and beg it to return to my body.
Voodoo: Our local voodoo vendor had to send away for a voodoo doll wearing a smoking jacket.
Alcoholism: This treatment will depend a lot on my wife’s support since my immobility will require her constant assistance in freshening my drink. Optimist Prime is a few years away from being strong enough to get the top off a cocktail shaker.
Blaming others: I’ve heard this works great for emotional pain so I’m will to give it a try on physical pain as well.
The Good Greatsby 
bigsheepcommunications
March 21, 2012
Punch a horse? Is this some vital life skill that I neglected to prepare my son with?
Hippie Cahier
March 22, 2012
You probably shouldn’t try it. I hear it causes back problems.
The Good Greatsby
March 22, 2012
Let’s just say horses and I have a long and bitter history.
spilledinkguy
March 22, 2012
Horse TRANQUILIZERS on the other hand… might be very useful!
Seriously, though… hope you’re feeling much better very soon, G.G!
MattJ
March 21, 2012
Feel bad for ya bud. You need a good story about why you threw out your back, like rescuing some or orphans from a burning building or scoring the winning touchdown. I had my worst neck paid come from drying my hair with a towel too vigorously when I got out of the shower one morning, which doesn’t make for much of a story or garner much sympathy.
Get yourself some of those awful smelling ben-gay patches and wear it on the part of your back that hurts the most for about 8 hours, take a break and repeat. It’s the only thing that worked after I had tried everything else.
The Good Greatsby
March 22, 2012
I really wish I had a cool story to explain my injury like wrestling a sandwich away from a hobo.
I’ve tried a Chinese medicine version that smelled like Ben-Gay. I’ll give it another try.
Running from Hell with El
March 21, 2012
I’m hoping you find relief for your pain and feel better soon. I’d like to add that my husband’s back is all messed up and he really needs surgery BUT he is still able to be an active and good Dad, just as I have faith you are and will be.
Chad Jones
March 21, 2012
Brings a whole new meaning to “Go to the mattresses.”
Sorry to hear of your pain. Praying for you.
Amber
March 21, 2012
Ugh, so sorry about your pain…
You write a damn funny post about – and no doubt I will find a way to steal your jokes for my own glory so that I will appear brave – but I’m still having a hard laughing. 😦
susielindau
March 21, 2012
I am so sorry that you are still in pain my friend!
Here is one to add to the pile: Have you tried hanging? By that I mean rest your arms on a cross bar and let your spine elongate. I know that it sometimes works with pinched nerves since it slips back into place. It really feels good for anyone to do that stretch…
Hang in there – no really,you should hang in there….
The Good Greatsby
March 22, 2012
I’ve been hanging upside down on an inversion table. That seems like it should have a similar effect.
thelifeofjamie
March 21, 2012
you can totally teach them how to roll up a body in a carpet…just have them roll you up from your position of lying on the floor. Practice makes perfect! Just don’t let them throw you in the river!
Feel better. I am no stranger to back pain. Going for an MRI on Saturday.
The Good Greatsby
March 22, 2012
I’ve had them practice rolling each other up in a carpet but they still need some work on carrying the carpet properly so it doesn’t look so heavy that witnesses suspect they’re carrying something more than just carpet.
Ian Webster
March 21, 2012
Yes 16 hours is a tad extreme. But the fact that you can type all and still come out funny is quite an achievement. Most of us just want sympathy and to blazes with trying to cheer anyone else up. Oh, and in case you are human after all, you have my sympathy too, plenty of it!
stephanie fitzpatrick
March 21, 2012
College roomie and I call one-upping ‘crap topping’ you are free to use if you wish.
I agree with your friend about the hanging technique & possibly Tai-Chi/gentle yoga? It might be worth the shots. Sorry!
Hope you are back on your feet in no time! Being a waitress can be a thankless job…
laurenrantnrave
March 21, 2012
I am sorry for your pain, GG, really I am! How about using voice recognition software? Get on it 🙂
The Good Greatsby
March 22, 2012
My wife also made that suggestion. I’m just afraid the software will talk back and I won’t like what I hear.
Lenore Diane
March 21, 2012
GG, your back pain looks to be a great segue into becoming a Contractor and/or Project Manager, where you can just stand there – looking important with your clipboard – and bark orders. “Punch that horse!” “Roll that body up in THAT rug, not the other rug!”
I’m impressed with the lengths you’ll go to for a cushy job.
In other news … I really hope you find pain relief.
A Gripping Life
March 22, 2012
For all of you back pain sufferers, here is the answer. READ, Dr. John E. Sarno’s book, The Mindbody Prescription. This is the real deal. Trust me. I had an MRI which revealed bulging discs, herniated discs, degenerative discs, (lots of disc stuff) and Spinal stenosis. Basically a death sentence, or, so I thought. His clients include John Stossel, Howard Stern, Anne Bancroft, the list goes on.
You need to read this book if you want to heal and understand what this pain is all about. I have fully researched and Dr. Sarno has the answer.
Good luck!
The Good Greatsby
March 22, 2012
Thanks for the recommendation. If I decide against having my back surgically removed I’ll definitely take a look at that book.
pegoleg
March 22, 2012
Strange how typing 16 hours per day could do a number on your body. Go figure.
I’m sorry you’re in pain – hope you’re all better soon!
Tor Constantino, MBA
March 22, 2012
G2, a pair of alternate therapies that have been clinically proven to work on completely unrelated maladies might be:
Leeches – apparently medicinal blood-sucking is back in vogue and might complement the financial blood-sucking you’re experiencing.
Counter Irritant Therapy – the same way that topical icy-tingly skin treatments such as Ben Gay or Tiger Balm distract from the underlying muscle ache, perhaps a hammer to the thumb or thumb to the eye might distract you from the back pain.
In all seriousness, thoughts and prayers to a full and speedy recovery!
The Good Greatsby
March 22, 2012
I might just consider leeches since Mrs. Greatsby has put her foot down on the acquisition of any more pets and this might provide me a loophole.
joehoover
March 22, 2012
Why is no one in your family typing for you? You can dictate and they can keep up!
You could have The Fonz typing for the blog and Optimist Prime for The Huffington Post.
Seriously, sorry to hear it’s still bad – welcome to your thirties, where eveything begins to stop working how it used to.
thoughtsappear
March 22, 2012
Is punching a horse like cow tipping?
I’m headed to New Orleans tomorrow. Want me to pick you up anything voodoo?
mistyslaws
March 22, 2012
Um, since you are offering . . . Cafe du Monde beignets, s’il vous plait!!! 🙂
The Good Greatsby
March 22, 2012
Yes, find the handsomest doll wearing a smoking jacket and send it to me.
mistyslaws
March 22, 2012
You have forgotten the all important Drop something on the ground to look up ladies’ skirts trick that is necessary for a father to pass along to his son. How else will you supply the world with a continuation of freaks and pervs?
Also? Drugs. That would be the best technique. And I don’t mean pain meds, I mean like Opium and Heroin. That way, you won’t even remember you HAVE a back. And you will imagine yourself dancing and skipping through the streets of Shanghai. All better!!
gojulesgo
March 22, 2012
Paul, that sucks! And I’m sorry to hear Chinese fire cupping isn’t the magical cure-all I always imagined it was.
I, of course, think it’s high time to move onto alcoholism. In fact, I use it as a preventative measure. It’s amazing how many things don’t hurt when you’re drunk. Even feelings.
The Good Greatsby
March 22, 2012
You’re so wise. Alcohol makes all pain better, even the pain of being an alcoholic.
Jackie Cangro
March 22, 2012
It’s hard to imagine that Chinese fire cupping could produce any results except maybe third degree burns.
Feel better!
skippingstones
March 22, 2012
I hope your pain doesn’t last much longer! As a fellow blogger with back issues, I feel your pain. Well, I don’t feel Your pain. But I’ve experienced the kind of agony you’re going through. Well, maybe not the exact Same kind of agony, but…
Anyway, get well soon.
Laura
March 22, 2012
I’m surprised you tried Chinese fire cupping and didn’t say it worked. I know that’s what I’d say, if they asked me whether I was cured or whether I needed more fire cupping treatments.
I hope you feel better soon.
The Simple Life of a Country Man's Wife
March 22, 2012
Sorry to hear about your back – how frustrating. And be careful with that seance… there are a lot of Paul Johnsons out there!
Audrey
March 22, 2012
Hope you feel better soon! Especially so you can get back to training your boys properly.
Thomas Stazyk
March 22, 2012
Sorry to hear about your back. Have tried an osteopath and/or Pilates? Both very western but also rather holistic.
BTW, did your back look like a giant pepperoni pizza after the fire cupping?
cooper
March 22, 2012
come on. man up and break out the leeches. at least go for the blood-letting….
magsx2
March 22, 2012
Hi,
I’m terribly sorry to hear about your pain, I hope all will be a lot better for you soon.
monicastangledweb
March 22, 2012
Talk about a great “back” story! But seriously, I’m sorry for all the pain you’re enduring. I hope the seance works because I’d hate to see you slip into alcoholism, unless you’re just embibing Shirley Temples, and overdosing on sugar. Maybe, the root of your problem is that one of your sons switched the rhyme around, the one that goes, “Step on a crack, break your mother’s back.” Could it be they said, instead, father’s?
bluebee
March 22, 2012
Hope you recover soon, TGG
thesinglecell
March 22, 2012
Oof… Chinese fire cupping IS taking it to a whole new level. Although, you’re in China, so maybe not. I say this not to try to beat you, because I can’t, but to share: I see a chiropractor 3x a week. Have been for two months. I don’t know what the nature of your injury is; mine is a bulging degenerative disc at C5/6 (neck) with spinal stenosis and a herniated disc at L3/4. The nerve pain – and the muscle spasms that come with the random firing of nerviness – are the worst part. I do every stretch and exercise and take every supplement suggested (though today she made me mad because she had me do a sit-up I told her I probably shouldn’t do, and of course it hurt really really badly.) Unfortunately, I think it just takes time. I do find that the length of time it takes to fix it is related to the length of time I’ve had the problem; I’m much better than I was when I first went to her (at which point I could barely dress myself) but seem to have plateaued at the level below that. Two things you didn’t mention: electrical stimulation and spinal injections. Have you had any? They might help. They inject lidocaine and cortisone into the spinal column to decrease the inflammation of the nerves (sometimes at the root, called a nerve root block).
Best of luck to you. I know it’s incredibly painful and interferes greatly with life!
Life in the Boomer Lane
March 22, 2012
Oh GG, I really am sorry to hear all this. I had my own back-associated trauma, resulting in a not-fun-at-all spinal fusion and instrumentation about 14 years ago. I have nothing to offer except to say that if sitting hunched over a computer screen is creating a problem, please stop. You can dictate instead of typing. Problems like this don’t improve with age. Much as it sucks, you really have to take the pressure off your back.
Bearman Cartoons (@BearmanCartoons)
March 22, 2012
Back used to go out all the time…now it is less frequent since I started pilates.
The Good Greatsby
March 22, 2012
Maybe I’ll give pilates a try if my back ever recovers.
Hippie Cahier
March 22, 2012
Once again I face a conundrum: I want to “like” this post, but I fear it might seem that I like the fact that you’re in pain, which I do not. I like that your funny bone is still fully functional. Hope you feel better soon.
The Good Greatsby
March 22, 2012
I always feel that same conflict on whether to ‘like’ bad news. Am I saying I ‘like’ your pain or am I saying ‘like’ to support you in your pain?
k8edid
March 22, 2012
Paul, I am so sorry that you are still experiencing back pain. I think you should get the Dragon voice software so you can just dictate your posts – plus it comes up with some really good interpretations of your speech…”bring me a pancake” becomes “brinkie mancake”. The potential for wildly hilarious (and painfree) posts is limitless.
Corey
March 22, 2012
You could easily adopt a lifestyle revolved around limping.
You could be one of those old wise men who has a crooked spine and a cane and a beard.
The part that makes you better than those wankstas is that you have a smoking jacket, and a long history of horse-punching. Both are very cool.
The Good Greatsby
March 22, 2012
I’m willing to try making limping and wincing cool, but I didn’t think I’d be confronted with that choice for a couple more decades.
Snoring Dog Studio
March 22, 2012
Yeah, I tried that Chinese stuff too – White Flower or Tiger Balm. It didn’t take the pain away but I inhaled so much of it I passed out. Ibuprofen and time. That’s what works unless part of your spine has navigated somewhere down below your knees. You’re going to get better. It’s the waiting for that day that really is a bear. The waiting and the constant whining you keep hearing coming from yourself. And then one day you’re better and your wife will say, “Well, thank God that’s over! You are such a big baby!”
Get well soon. I mean it.
The Good Greatsby
March 22, 2012
Yeah, it’s the side-effects of waiting that are giving me trouble more than anything else. Three weeks of lying down doesn’t exactly have a positive effect on the waistline.
She's a Maineiac
March 22, 2012
Sorry you’re in so much pain, GG. I’ve been there. You should take a long break from blogging. (or maybe just a short one?) I once was in so much agony I had my kids stand on my back. After seeing chiropractors for years and popping truckloads of Advil, I figured, why not? Just make sure they don’t jump up and down like my daughter did. Now the only thing that prevents my spine from hurting is yoga. I swear by it. Feel better soon.
Michael
March 22, 2012
And if they need to dig a tunnel to the neighbor’s house (the neighbor who’s also a busker, naturally) to punch the neighbor’s horse and then roll the body of the neighbor’s horse up in a carpet, they’ll really be out of luck, I suppose. C’est la vie. Hope you feel better soon!
Amy
March 22, 2012
Back pain is the worst. I did try the alcoholism route when I had my back issues, but it got so expensive. Hope you can find a solution that is cheap, but more importantly, effective.
pegoleg
March 22, 2012
Try Wild Irish Rose wine, Amy (and Paul). It’s cheap and really strong. So glad I’m able to help out some of my favorite bloggers with my vast, medical knowledge.
georgettesullins
March 22, 2012
So sorry to hear you are laid up. Do take care. 16 hours is a lot of typing…I hate to be the harbinger of more bad news but carpal tunnel may be the next thing coming…take a break friend…or perhaps dictation should be considered. Out of the billions of people in China and the world, perhaps there’s a Zoey Deschanel look alike who can take dictation. Would that make you feel better…oh dear, or perhaps prolong this condition. Feel better soon.
PCC Advantage
March 23, 2012
Oh no…I’m sorry you’re still not feeling well. And your poor sons! You’re right to worry about the fact that you cannot teach them valuable information. I mean, who’s going to teach them to mock a baby? It’s rather difficult as they don’t quite understand sarcasm, but it is possible.
Ha, but of course you already know that! *Sigh*…I hope you feel better soon so that you can teach your sons how to take candy from a baby and then subtly mock him for being so weak.
Feel better, GG!
yellowcat
March 23, 2012
I find that blaming others works in all situations.
As far as punching a horse…they punch back. Cow tipping is much safer.
Angie Z.
March 23, 2012
Aw, I’m sorry to hear this, GG. That just bites. I’d recommend acupuncture but you already tried that, huh? I think my iPad (which forces you to look down into your lap instead of straight ahead) has killed my own back/neck. We had a dinner party recently and out of no where I got a horrible shooting pain in my back/neck and I could hardly move for a half-hour. Completely embarrassing. I couldn’t even walk our guests to the door. I’m a tiny person and in my mid-30s. I imagined those throw-out-your-back sitcom moments only happened to old balding 300-pound men named Mel.
Hope things improve for you soon. There are so many dangerous pranks your kids still need to learn from someone who can bend at the waist.
philosophermouseofthehedge
March 23, 2012
Oh, bad back? Just in time for spring cleaning and the opening of yard work season. How convenient. Seriously, it is agony. Hope you find relief soon.
Binky
March 23, 2012
Sorry to hear about your back. I know how much of a pain it can be. I hope you won’t have to go for back transplant surgery or anything.
Ape No. 1
March 25, 2012
What exactly are the Chinese cupping and why does it require fire? Jerry Lee Lewis lyrics spring to mind.
Dana
March 26, 2012
Too bad my two go-to cures for back pain (acupuncture and yes, Chinese fire cupping!) have already been eliminated from the mix. Now I can’t give you unsolicited health advice… Can I give you unsolicited parenting advice instead? 😉
I really hope you start feeling better soon. Back pain is the absolute worst. 😦
edrevets
March 26, 2012
I hear arson can be very therapeutic. All you have to do is be able to throw a glass bottle filled with gasoline and a lit rag out of the window of a car.