Dear Good Housekeeping,
While perusing your site today I found many helpful tips on cleaning everything from leather sofas to freezers to sponges, but I was disappointed when I didn’t find a single tip on how to get Karo syrup out of a ukulele.
Surely I can’t be the first person to fall asleep while playing a ukulele and drinking a bourbon sour. I can’t be the first to wake up to discover a ukulele covered with the sticky remnants of bourbon and lemon juice and a trail of sugar syrup leading into the ukulele’s sound hole. I refuse to accept this hasn’t happened before.
I can’t be the first person to maintain the Sunday evening ritual of waiting until everyone has gone to bed, putting on a smoking jacket, drinking a bourbon sour, and playing the ukulele. And if I am the first person, so what? I don’t ask you what you do on Sunday nights.
The matter of cleaning the ukulele has become a bit urgent as my wife keeps asking if anyone knows its location. I’ve tried to play it cool.
“Ukulele? Like a tiny guitar, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Never heard of it. And because I’ve never heard of it, it’s definitely not under the couch cushions in my office.”
“Never heard of it? You play it every Sunday after I go to bed. I can hear you.”
“I’m not on trial here. Why are you asking me? Ask the kids. Ask the cat.”
The location of the ukulele is of issue to my youngest son who is supposed to be practicing the ukulele and will play in the year-end talent show. I worry the audience may find it difficult to concentrate on his playing if his ukulele smells like bourbon sour. I wouldn’t feel entirely guilty if he got in trouble, because he was probably the reason I was drinking the bourbon sour.
I worry the real reason you offer no tips for cleaning bourbon sour is because you don’t consider it a woman’s drink. And that’s sexist. This is 2012! Women can drink bourbon sours all day long while being astronauts and travel agents. And men can engage in housekeeping, especially if housekeeping includes cleaning a ukulele while wearing a smoking jacket. Until this situation is remedied, I fear you’ll never graduate to Great Housekeeping.
Sincerely,
Sticky Strings in Shanghai
susielindau
March 12, 2012
I am afraid if you tried steam cleaning it, you may warp the wood. I don’t think it would survive the washing machine or the dish washer, so I think your best bet is to just spray it with air freshener. Good luck.
The Good Greatsby
March 12, 2012
The air freshener may dampen suspicions of The Fonz being an alcoholic but it wouldn’t make the ukulele any less sticky.
susielindau
March 12, 2012
Good point. I will have to keep thinking. Hmmm…
gojulesgo
March 12, 2012
I am pretty sure there’s another alcoholic beverage that can remedy this situation. Have you tried pouring moonshine on the Karo syrup?
P.S. – Good Housekeeping, I’m available for hire. My sober, I mean, working hours are 10am-10:45am EST.
The Good Greatsby
March 12, 2012
I didn’t even consider the possibility of pouring other alcohol into the sound hole. That’s an idea with some potential.
The Byronic Man
March 12, 2012
Sorry this is only tangentially related – the photo. I can’t get past it.
You’re doing a promo shot with Elvis. There are literally thousands upon thousands of women who would like to be in that photo. Why keep “Frozen, waxy look of confusion” girl on the right, there?
The Good Greatsby
March 12, 2012
I’m assuming she got the gig because she was somebody’s mannequin sister.
Audrey
March 12, 2012
Good Housekeeping couldn’t help me get merlot out of my piano either. I’m thinking of downgrading them to “Mediocre Housekeeping” for that one…
The Good Greatsby
March 12, 2012
But doesn’t a merlot really bring out the piano’s flavor when properly aged?
Absence of alternatives
March 12, 2012
We Chinese admire people who can drink like fish. I think he’s going to be very popular at the talent show! Also there is no law against under age drinking so you are safe.
Now though I have absolutely no wisdom to pay here, I do think you’ve coffee up with a great replacement for drinking games: forget drinking of of the bride’s heel. ukulele it is! Finally,a great use for the one sitting in my house.
Absence of alternatives
March 12, 2012
I hate auto correct.
bigsheepcommunications
March 12, 2012
I’m going to take some inspiration from Elvis and suggest you fill the ukulele with peanut butter and bananas to mask the smell of the bourbon.
joehoover
March 12, 2012
Of course you play the ukelele, I should have known this. I know a few ukelele players and it makes sense….in a good way.
A Gripping Life
March 12, 2012
No, you’re not alone. I’ve gone through many a ukulele in much the same way. It’s very upsetting, right?
Todd Pack
March 12, 2012
Here’s my suggestion: If your child’s uke smells like bourbon, and if you think that’s a bad thing, then empty a box of baking soda into the uke, leave it there overnight then shake it out. Thing 1 once spilled her milk in the backseat on a July day when we lived in Florida. The stench was unbearable. I emptied a box of baking soda in the backseat and left it there for 30 minutes, then vacuumed it up. The smell was gone.
Hippie Cahier
March 12, 2012
Charcoal works, too. It may alter the acoustics, but on the plus side, you’ve got the value-add of percussion.
madtante
March 12, 2012
While I’m sure you’re joking, as a drinker, an Ozarker and a ukuleleist, I’ve fallen asleep doing many things, including playing uke.
I find simple hot water on a tea towels removes most ills. Nail polish required careful use of acetone. I find “spit-washing” takes care of most common spots; although, again, I’m sure you were joking–I’m not!
Michael
March 12, 2012
Ukuleleist? I always wondered what the word was for someone who played ukulele. I had thought perhaps it might be ukelulian. Now I know!
Kathryn McCullough
March 12, 2012
Too damn funny. Can’t even imagine how you come up with this stuff.
FYI, I HAVE graduated to Great Housekeeping, and my ukulele has been sticky for years.
Brown Road Chronicles
March 12, 2012
That’s funny to me because I have actually fallen asleep while playing the guitar, and although I will admit that sometimes there is drinking involved, I have never actually spilled a drink onto the guitar. If I had I probably would have been able to offer some advice on cleaning up.
thelifeofjamie
March 12, 2012
baby wipes clean anything in my house…maybe playing the Ukelele that smells like bourbon will be good for his performance…put him in the mood for some great music?
k8edid
March 12, 2012
If your son really wants to win the talent contest he needs to fill a large tank with water and play the ukele while submerged. The smell of bourbon will not be a problem and the ukele will get clean while he practices.
I usually have my dog clean up any spills I have made – she particularly likes Michelob light and the occasional tequila sunrise.
Dana
March 12, 2012
Re: “Great” Housekeeping Magazine. Unfortunately, this is not a perfect world, and we can’t all be as great as you, Greatsby. Let Good Housekeeping be good enough! 🙂
The Good Greatsby
March 13, 2012
But I’m not even asking for Perfect Housekeeping, just Great Housekeeping.
becomingcliche
March 12, 2012
I think it’s time to realize that ukuleles were never meant to be shared. Sort of like underwear. Buy the kid a new one.
The Good Greatsby
March 12, 2012
I’ve been trying to get a new ukulele but Mrs. Greatsby has put her foot down on new instrument acquisitions until I agree to get the children’s teeth fixed.
becomingcliche
March 13, 2012
She clearly has an issue with priorities.
Spectra
March 14, 2012
The childhood set of teeth is over rated. They eventually just fall out any. Right?
artjen1971
March 12, 2012
You’re like Glen Hansard in Once–only he had a guitar and an extra hole in it. I guess you’re really not like him…the point is–both stringed instruments are screwed. And I drink to because of things my kids do…
Rich Crete
March 12, 2012
Try soaking it overnight in pure hydrochloric acid. That’s fix what needs fixin’.
The Good Greatsby
March 13, 2012
I’ll have to seen if the ukulele insurance will cover hydrochloric acid damage in case the soaking doesn’t work.
mahervolous
March 13, 2012
You’re right about the cat. The cat is always guilty. Cats are born guilty, live guilty, and die guilty. Even if you poured Karo syrup directly onto your ukelele on purpose, you can be sure the cat had something to do with it.
Pure. Evil.
The Good Greatsby
March 13, 2012
Our cat always looks guilty. I’m suspicious she’s hiding something or trying to distract me while someone attacks from behind.
pegoleg
March 13, 2012
How do you make a bourbon sour? I’m one of the few people I know who like bourbon, but I drink it with diet Coke and a wedge of lime. If you give me the recipe I promise not to drink and uke.
(p.s. Have you tried writing to Miss Manners? She may not be able to provide a way to get the ukulele clean, but she’ll suggest a polite way to tell your wife to shut up about the damn thing. already.)
The Good Greatsby
March 13, 2012
80ml lemon juice
1.5 tsp sugar syrup
60ml bourbon
soda water, to top off
Half-fill a cocktail shaker with ice, add lemon juice, sugar syrup, and bourbon, shake well, pour into a highball glass with ice, top off with soda water, add a cherry and/or orange slice for garnish. Drink while playing a ukulele.
pegoleg
March 13, 2012
A ml is like a cup, right? I don’t have a ukulele. Do you think it would be the same if I drank this while playing my clarinet?
The Good Greatsby
March 14, 2012
60 cups of bourbon might be too much. 15 ml is a tablespoon. 60ml would be 1/4 a cup.
She's a Maineiac
March 14, 2012
Gosh, Peg–with your clarinet skills, Paul’s ukulele and my piano…why, we could form….
a very bad band.
pegoleg
March 14, 2012
Great idea, Darla! Let’s put on a show in the barn. I have a feeling we’ll be needing the 60 cups of bourbon to get through that performance.
She's a Maineiac
March 13, 2012
So you play a tiny guitar? Hmm. Like Joe said, I’m not surprised. I seem to recall a certain someone you are obsessed with plays one on occasion as well and sings cutesy little ditties about New Year’s Eve wearing a tiara. I really, really think you should post a vlog of yourself doing the same thing.
The Good Greatsby
March 13, 2012
Zooey might ask me to sing a duet at any time. If we end up doing a duet, I’ll make sure and post it.
She's a Maineiac
March 14, 2012
I look forward to it.
Laura
March 13, 2012
Don’t try to clean the ukelele; just throw it down the stairs. Then, when someone discovers it lying broken at the foot of the stairs, you can point out that it reeks of alcohol and probably fell down the stairs because it was drunk.
If you don’t have stairs, though, I don’t know what you should do. Maybe you need to write to Bad Housekeeping.
The Good Greatsby
March 13, 2012
So that’s how the ukulele earned its drunken reputation.
spilledinkguy
March 13, 2012
Wasn’t there a similar ‘incident’ with Matthew McConaughey?
Or wait… that might have been a different instrument.
And substance.
Still, maybe you should ask him, brah.
Tor Constantino, MBA
March 13, 2012
Truly a vexing issue! Tangentially, are you sure that hiding the ukulele UNDER the couch cushions is the optimal hiding spot as opposed to BEHIND the entire couch itself?
I don’t mean to parse prepositions but there’s a greater likelihood of actual behinds crushing the tiny guitar if it’s under the cushions, than the number of actual behinds that would crush it if it was hidden behind the couch.
I know you’re not on trial or under suspicion, I’m merely about helping you through a prepositional oversight….
cooper
March 13, 2012
try a sandblaster. and if that doesn’t work, a steamshovel….
mj monaghan
March 13, 2012
GG, I’m thinking you might want to go with a drink with a better ph that is not quite as sticky (at least when you’re “uke-ing” and drinking). Be sure to uke responsibly!
In terms of uke clean up, I am known as the stain master with laundry, so let me think about this:
1) Swear Fonz to secrecy.
2) Using a thin, damp cloth.
3) Have him put his child-sized hand inside the uke hole.
4) Have him swipe the inside of the mini-guitar and remove remnants of bourbon sour.
* If his hand is too small, use one of those articulating arm thingies at a tool store.
* If all of these fail, carefully dunk the entire instrument in the bathtub and QUICKLY shake all excess water out! 🙂
Maggie O'C
March 13, 2012
“fall asleep”
hahahaha
Corey
March 13, 2012
Ukulele-ing Under the influence causes deaths well over zero every single year, and I come on here just to be reminded of your carelessness? I cannot believe that you would set this kind of example for your kids, nay, the WORLD. I think, you sir, need to serious contemplate your life decisions.
Sincerely,
APAUP
(A person against ukulele playing)
livemotra.com
Snoring Dog Studio
March 13, 2012
It’s a good thing I’ve never had a hankering to play the uke. I’d hate to have to clean a Vodka-laced yogurt smoothie with blueberries out of the thing.
pattisj
March 14, 2012
How is it you can fall asleep playing the ukelele, but no one else in your house is able to sleep because of it? Not enough bourbon?
HoaiPhai
March 15, 2012
Why risk a precision instrument to the action of synthetic chemicals when nature can take care of the problem and maybe make you a couple of extra bucks at the same time? Here’s what you do… head down to your local indoor butterfly aviary dressed as Hawaiian Elvis. Start playing and soon a zillion butterflies will be lapping up the Karo leaving the Uke as clean as an unused whistle. If you put a hat down in front of you yo catch the tips, you just might be on to a profitable little sideline!