The Economic Future is so Bright, I Have to Wear Shades

The Republican New Hampshire primary takes place today. The media has been talking about the Republican race for a year, but unfortunately for the Republicans, none of them stand much of a chance of beating Obama as long as the economy keeps improving, no matter how many times they insist it isn’t. Statistics show the economy is expanding and jobs have been added every month for two years. Also, I’ve gotten handsomer every year of Obama’s administration (although, to be fair, this trend also held steady during the Bush years).

If Republicans are going to have any chance against Obama, they’ll need to avoid specifics about the increasingly healthy economy and focus on the negative, especially if they can find economic weaknesses that are connected to the issues the public cares about most. For example:

When Obama took office, Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner had three girlfriends, but since that time he’s had to let all three of them go. None of those women have had any subsequent success finding rich, elderly boyfriends and have had to settle for rich, young boyfriends.

Brett Favre was able to retire and unretire a dozen times under the Bush administration but only twice under Obama. In 2011 Brett Favre was unable to find any work as a professional quarterback or professional retirerer, forcing him to actually retire at the young age of 42.

Lady Gaga started Obama’s term as Lady Gagaga but had to sell one of the ‘ga’s to make ends meet.

Even professional basketball players have had trouble stretching their millions; New Jersey Nets player Kris Humphries was forced to take part-time work as an actor playing Kim Kardashian’s fake husband on her fake reality show.

Social Security is still under strain, especially as America’s population continues to age. Obama has been in office three years and has done nothing to stop the aging of America’s population. I personally look and feel three years older than when Obama took office. I certainly felt younger when Bush was president, although I must admit I feared for my life a whole lot more.

Beyonce and Jay-Z recently had a baby and reportedly spent $1.3 million on a suite at the hospital. None of this cost can be offset by the baby qualifying for the Earned Income Tax Credit of $3050 because the musical power couple make too much money. Obama has done nothing to raise the EITC income limit above the $100 million a year threshold, something Republicans will be sure to remedy.

NBAer LeBron James left the Cleveland Cavaliers for the Miami Heat last summer. Obama did nothing in his first two years in office to improve the economy or weather or women in Cleveland to make it seem like Miami, forcing LeBron to leave against his will.

When Obama took office, Tiger Woods was supporting one wife and twelve mistresses. Within the first year of Obama’s administration, Tiger had lost them all. No current statistics exist on whether any of those women have found other work as mistresses.