Beyonce Gives Birth to $1.3 Million Bundle of Joy

If you’re anything like me, you took the week off work to digest news of Beyonce and Jay-Z’s new baby. Most of my digestion time was spent trying to remember why Jay-Z was important. My friend Andrew says he’s a rapper. If that’s true I must confess I couldn’t name a single Jay-Z song. Not one. My wife says he sang the Cheers theme song, but that sounds wrong.

I’ve heard of Beyonce. She was in that girl group Destiny’s Child before she left the band to seek greater fame as Jay-Z’s wife. If you’re not familiar with Destiny’s Child, they’re kind of like a black, female, R&B, less-successful version of the Beatles.

Some people have laughed at the baby’s unusual name, Blue Ivy. But before you laugh too hard, remember her parents are named Beyonce and Jay-Z. Maybe if you had a name like Blue Ivy, Beyonce, or Jay-Z, instead of Chad, you’d be famous, too.

At the hospital, the renting of a private suite specially prepared for Beyonce was reported to ring in at $1.3 million. If they spent $1.3m on the birth, it makes you wonder what they’ll spend on the first Christmas. And how much will they spend on the 2nd Christmas celebrities celebrate in July?

Other hospital patrons complained after they alleged Beyonce’s security prevented them from visiting their newborns. In the hospital’s defense, none of these complainers were rich or famous. If they had been famous and important, the article I read would have listed their famous names like Madonna or Ashton Kutcher or Radar from M*A*S*H*, instead of listing them as ‘hospital patron.’

Many people may be wondering what a $1.3 million hospital suite will get you. Here’s a breakdown:

$200,000 to hire someone else to scream in Beyonce’s place. Apparently Beyonce lip-synced the whole thing when her handlers worried about damage to her vocal cords.

$800,000 to have Grey’s Anatomy heartthrob Patrick Dempsey deliver the baby.

$20,000: The baby’s first bath was given with Perrier sparkling mineral water, produced in France and personally delivered by French President Nicolas Sarkozy.

$10,000: Beyonce’s gown and Patrick Dempsey’s scrubs were designed by Armani.

$10,000: Specialty 200w bulbs that would create a room bright enough to justify the entourage wearing sunglasses indoors.

$10,000: Baby diapers whittled from adult diapers.

$250,000: Justin Bieber singing his hit song ‘Baby’ while cutting the cord with giant, golden novelty scissors.

 When Beyonce, Jay-Z, and Blue Ivy visit Disneyland I hope they don’t have their hearts set on finding a souvenir coffee mug with their name printed on it.