Seven members of a breakaway Amish cult have been charged with a hate crime after forcibly shaving the beards and cutting the hair of individuals who wouldn’t support an extremist leader. The most intriguing part of the story is the name of the cult leader who ordered the haircuts: Samuel Mullet.
Never, ever take hair advice from a man name Mullet.
If you’re not familiar with the mullet haircut, it’s probably because you have the type of friends who hold jobs. The mullet is defined by short hair on the sides and front, and long hair in the back, and has also been described as “business front and party back.” Never support a religious leader, business leader, or spouse guilty of sporting a mullet or named Mullet.
I’m sure the story of the forced Amish haircuts was big news in the Amish community and the newspaper probably featured the following headlines:
Men Arrested After Close Shave
Amish Men Charged After Charging into Home and Giving Haircut Free of Charge
Amish Group Splits Hairs Literally After Splitting Hairs Figuratively
Shave and a Haircut–Two Years to Life
Officials Surprised When Amish Let Hair Down
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow, Jail for Life
Men Traumatized After Hair-Raising Hair-Razoring
Amish Men Send Postcards to Bare Scalps: Wish You Were Hair
Police Blow Tops After Cult Takes More than a Little Off the Top
My wife suggested this post might be culturally insensitive, but I reminded her there’s not a single Amish person out there with a computer.
The Good Greatsby 
becomingcliche
November 24, 2011
Congrats on working the tags “Amish” and “comedy” into the same post. May be the first time that has ever happened.
The Good Greatsby
November 24, 2011
There doesn’t seem to be a big comedy market in trying to appeal to the Amish.
Angie Z.
November 24, 2011
That’s a great one!
ichoosehappynow
November 24, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving! We have the opposite thing happening in our house hold, the bowl cut. In my post I use the “mullet” as an example of an extreme hairstyle.
http://ichoosehappynow.com/2011/09/02/cup-of-joy/the-bowl-hair-cut-aka-robot-hair-cut-is-it-cute-or-a-curse/
Cheers,
Louise
p.s. I don’t think the Amish would be offended!
The Good Greatsby
November 24, 2011
I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t be offended, and if they are offended, I’m not too worried because they’re a peace-loving people.
Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson
November 24, 2011
I saw that piece of news and figured you’d be all over it. And omigosh, please tell me that was you in 8th grade.
Confession: I married a man with a mullet. It’s gone now. The mullet, not the man. 😉
The Good Greatsby
November 24, 2011
Did you marry him because of the mullet or in spite of the mullet?
No, that’s not me in the picture. Sorry to disappoint.
Jess Witkins
November 25, 2011
I was wondering if that was you too! I thought you were the bravest man on earth there for a minute posting that photo. That’s intense.
gerknoop
November 24, 2011
OK, the last line made me and my hubby laugh! Good one! So TRUE! LOL
That was Hairlarious!
The Good Greatsby
November 24, 2011
I was waiting for someone to use ‘Hairlarious.’
She's a Maineiac
November 24, 2011
Uncanny the timing of this post. The kids and I were just watching Full House’s Thanksgiving episode this morning and it was Mullet City. Jesse had the mulliest mullet I’ve ever seen (aside from the above photo of what I’m guessing is you)
The Good Greatsby
November 24, 2011
Jesse was the only guy who ever still looked good with a mullet.
No, the picture isn’t of me. I never had the guts to purposely look so terrible.
Angie Z.
November 24, 2011
Hilarious, Darla! I forgot that Jesse on Full House used to have a mullet. (Besides Jesse, “Tyler” from Life Goes On was one other guy who still looked good with a mullet.) Sort of like Tom Selleck is one of two, maybe three, guys who look better with a mustache. Although, whoa, let’s not get carried away here…no way would any guy look “better” with a mullet.
She's a Maineiac
November 25, 2011
Not even Billy Ray Cyrus, Gngie? I have never seen Life Goes On so I don’t know about Tyler. I do know for a fact that the other guy on Full House (not Bob Saget, the other one) really and truly looked horrible with his sad little mullet.
Angie Z.
November 25, 2011
If you get to be Darly, does that make me Gngie? If so, please provide with it the pronunciation.
Um, I believe you’re talking about Dave Coulier? I worshipped him when he was a thinner, non-mulleted version of himself on an old Nickelodeon show called Out of Control (cut. it. out!).
The Good Greatsby
November 25, 2011
Poor Dave Coulier. He saw John Stamos getting the ladies and assumed it was because of the mullet without realizing Stamos was getting the ladies in spite of the mullet.
She's a Maineiac
November 25, 2011
You don’t like your gnarly gnew gnickname, Gngie?
Poor Dave Coulier indeed…
PCC Advantage
November 24, 2011
“Amish Men Send Postcards to Bare Scalps: Wish You Were Hair” ~ LOL!!! That’s the best one!
The Good Greatsby
November 25, 2011
Amish are allowed to send postcards, right?
Angie Z.
November 24, 2011
I was going to write a post on mullets but since you covered it here, maybe I can just repost this and check it off my ’80s topic list as “done.”
I would say not since the movie Witness (a laugh riot, right there) have the Amish ever been funnier.
The Good Greatsby
November 25, 2011
I’m flattered to have my comedy so favorably compared to that comedy classic: Witness.
Spectra
November 25, 2011
I cracked up too, the part about the Amish can’t be offended because they have no computers. I live about 2 hours from Pennsylvania Dutch country – a fine country, full of peacable puppy millers and dog shooters. Offend away! But, those beards!!! My god, the extremists did those men a favor!
The Good Greatsby
November 25, 2011
I know it’s religiously offensive to them to have their beards shaved but they might be pleasantly surprised when their clean-shaven look receives some increased interest from the Amish women.
joehoover
November 25, 2011
That mullet is the same my sister had when she was 7 years old, It’s not as if mullets were even the fashion in an English seaside town in 1986. I’ll add it to the dossier I’m compiling against my parents which proves they only had kids so they could make fun of them.
lynne @ gardenmad
November 25, 2011
I swear my mother used to cut my bangs (or fringe, if you’re British) way too short, with the sides even shorter than the middle (hard to picture, I know), just so she could make fun of me. When I was a baby (with hardly any hair, and what was there was very fair), she’d even scotchtape a bow to my head. Sad really.
The Good Greatsby
November 25, 2011
Are you suggesting scotchtaping a bow to your head isn’t in style anymore? Both of my sons have been telling me this but I didn’t want to listen.
lifemapassion
November 25, 2011
This something to laught about. Great
John Erickson
November 25, 2011
Um.. I live in a VERY strong Amish area (Millersburg Ohio is only a few miles from my house), and I hate to break this to you, but the Amish DO have computers, and cell phones, and electricity in their homes – provided by 12-volt car batteries. It’s a long story I can tell if you want me hijacking your blog for a week or so, but in short, there may very well be Amish reading this! 🙂
Oh, and in complete seriousness, an Amish man’s beard is a sign of maturity and his place in society. By shaving an Amish man’s beard, you are literally calling him a boy, in the most disparaging way possible. So it does mean a great deal to the Amish here.
But I’m not Amish, so don’t worry about offending me. And I also live among some VERY redneck rural folk, and they still wear their mullets. They make Jeff Foxworthy look like an urban sophisticate! 😀
The Good Greatsby
November 25, 2011
You’ve shattered all my stereotypes about the Amish. First you tell me they might actually be reading this. Next you’ll probably tell me that they actually are the type to seek revenge.
John Erickson
November 25, 2011
You’re safe on that – for now. But with the far-from-gradual technology “creep” in the Amish community, I might suggest keeping your virus files updated….
Rachael Black
November 25, 2011
shave and a haircut indeed. . Well no who’s going to craft my fire-less fireplace and haul it by wagon to my home?
Speaking of beards (and who isn’t) I used to live in a similar cultural abyss. You may know it as Brooklyn. Unless you were Jewish or Italian the borough was Resitricted. althoug there was a Murphy in our old building. Figured the rent-controlled apartment had been in the family for so long the family had probably converted by now.
And as we used to say… Hasidim too!
The Good Greatsby
November 25, 2011
Was forced beard-shaving as much of a hot button issue back then as it is today?
spilledinkguy
November 25, 2011
Not familiar with the mullet haircut?! Me?! RIGHT! Like, party on, G.G.!
🙂
The Good Greatsby
November 25, 2011
I wouldn’t have spoken so strongly against the mullet if I’d known.
Matt @ The Church of No People
November 25, 2011
What else can you do besides be an extremist cult leader with a name like ‘Mullet?’
The Good Greatsby
November 26, 2011
It’s understandable if he may have felt life held very few options for him.
educlaytion
November 25, 2011
I meant to say something witty about mullets and hair splitting. Then I saw the new profile pic. I know what you’re up to Gatsby, trying to win over Kate with some hotshot pose in a suit but you just wait until I buy a suit. Or rent one. Can you rent suits?
The Good Greatsby
November 26, 2011
I assumed Kate would be looking at the site before long and I wanted her to feel completely comfortable with my ability to dress for a major awards ceremony.
xmichra
November 26, 2011
lol… your last observance just about cost me my sip of coffee sir.
EllieAnn
November 26, 2011
Mullets are cute.
The Good Greatsby
November 26, 2011
I expected better from you, Ellie.
EllieAnn
November 27, 2011
Says the guy in a bathrobe
Brown Road Chronicles
November 26, 2011
I’ve always wondered why Amish men have beards but they don’t have the mustache part of it?
pegoleg
November 27, 2011
I thought the shave and a haircut title announced your new masthead look – all spiffed up and upscale to welcome the fresh horde of readers your latest, well-deserved FP will attract. We may be witnessing the launching of a new brand. Will Greatsby brand smoking jackets, pipes and cologne soon be appearing at fine men’s emporiums?
The Hook
November 27, 2011
If you can’t trust the Amish, who can you trust?
shreejacob
November 27, 2011
Funny post! It really is strange to see the Amish turn violent..or maybe its strange to see hair issues turning Amish violent? then again..I like violence like this..its kinds peaceful and funny too.
jakesprinter
November 27, 2011
Great Hair Style 🙂
pattisj
November 28, 2011
I’m still in shock that the smoking jacket has been relegated to the back of the closet.