Tax to the Max

Posted on October 3, 2011


Much of today’s debate in American politics centers around the battle to meet budget obligations.  Obama would like to raise taxes on the very rich and close some tax loopholes while Republicans insist raising taxes is out of the question.  I’d like to suggest some taxes I think both parties can get behind:

A tax on any pictures of cats wearing hats.  People wearing live cats as hats will not be taxed and will actually be encouraged with a tax rebate.

If you’re an adult and celebrate your birthday on more than one day, you will not only be taxed, but you will also be blocked from sending me emails.

My wife suggested a tax on anyone with a tattoo on their face or neck, but I reminded her these people had already been indirectly taxed through loss of job opportunities.

Gogo no go.

A tax on any adult who talks with me about their grandparents and uses any terms for Grandma and Grandpa that make me feel awkward such as Gammy, Grandpappy, or Gogo.  Although Cool Mo’ Gramps is not only acceptable but awesome.

A tax on calling people ‘dawg’ unless you’re a rapper or a professional athlete or the person’s name is ‘Doug’ and you have a terrible accent.  Calling a dog, ‘dawg’, won’t be taxed, but may result in concerned looks behind your back.

A tax on anyone famous for being famous.  If your tax form Occupation reads: Kardashian, you’ll owe the government a bunch of money.

A tax on Ultimate Frisbee, not because I dislike Frisbee, but because the type of people who play Ultimate Frisbee never seem to like me, maybe because they’ve never been able to explain the rules in a way that doesn’t make me laugh at all the time they’re wasting.

A tax on any film with the number 3 in the title.

A tax on any politician who answers a complex economic question by referencing the flag, religion, or children in the hopes of veiling complete ignorance of the subject.

A tax on voters who hear the words flag, religion, or children in a politician’s answer and completely forget the question had been about economics because they’re too busy cheering.

Any other tax suggestions?

Posted in: Columns