
Today is my birthday and my mom has agreed to be a guest panelist and refrain from trying to make me feel guilty as her gift to me.
The first question comes from Jim Chaney at The Wordslinger. Please check out his blog and click on all his links. You might start with his hilarious post My Kids are Stronger than Me.
Dear Good Greatsby,
My wife and I have been throwing around the idea of searching for a new house recently due to the staggering amounts of money we continue to put into our current dwelling, without even a “thank you” in return. In our research, we’ve uncovered several things. One, our house is likely worth less now than it was when we purchased it and two, larger houses tend to cost more money than smaller ones. This leads me to my question: how can I convince someone with a large, beautiful, well-kept home, to simply allow me and my family to take it off their hands for them?
Sincerely, The Wordslinger
Dear The Wordslinger,
Paul: Houses are a lot like children: they require constant maintenance without increasing in monetary value, they never say “thank you”, and their basement is often smelly and leaky. I must warn you, if you’re willing to sell your house just because it’s a never-ending drain on your income, you might find the logic also applies to selling your children, and is why psychologists suggest selling your house is the “gateway sale” to one day selling your kids.
Before you attempt any elaborate strategy for tricking someone into giving you a bigger house, you might just try asking for it. Whenever I visit someone’s home and see something I like, whether it be an antique clock, or a half-eaten sandwich, or a picture of Todd’s girlfriend, I simply ask if I can have it. Some people will feel so awkward by my forwardness and lack of manners that they say yes just to end the awkward tension. I’ve never considered asking for something as significant as a house, although I’ve asked many people to give me a kidney despite both of mine being in perfect order, but you never know until you try.
If asking doesn’t work, you might bring down the value of the house you desire by convincing a ghost to move there. Of course, this should be a scary ghost and not a party ghost or the value of the house might actually increase. Even more likely to increase the value is a responsible ghost who will watch their house and feed their pets while they’re gone.
If the ghost angle doesn’t work, you might try threatening the homeowners with violence if they don’t give you the house, although my wife tells me this method of obtaining ownership may not hold up in most US states.
Paul’s mom: Happy birthday, son! I don’t know why, but something about this time of year always reminds me of the 48 hours I spent giving birth to you.
Paul: That number seems to get bigger every year, Mom. Do you have any advice for Jim?
Paul’s mom: No matter what size house you end up buying or stealing, make sure the house is on the same street as your mother. You might even try asking your mom if you can have her house. I know I’d give Paul my house if he asked. I already gave him the gift of life–what’s a house in comparison?
Paul: I don’t want to take your house, but can I have one of your kidneys?
The second question comes from Mango Season.
Dear Good Greatsby,
Do you think a time machine will be invented in time for me to go back and tape the answers to the exam under my seat before it is too late?
Thankyou.
Dear Mango Season,
Paul: Allow me to answer your question with a question: Is it possible a certain blogger you know has already invented a time machine and taped the answers under your seat?
You’re welcome.
Although I should warn you that I didn’t study for the test either and I don’t have complete confidence in the answers I gave you. I’ve written on my list of things for future Paul to do: “Study for Mango Season’s test and go back in time to correct incorrect answers I gave previously.” If the answers under your desk remain incorrect, this means future Paul was assassinated before he was able to complete the task.
Why was future Paul assassinated? It’s a long story full of time travel, romance, interplanetary espionage, the end of the world, lasers, the purpose of life, more lasers, and visits from several celebrity guests, but you probably wouldn’t be interested and I don’t want to bore you.
Submit your questions on the Dear Good Greatsby page.
laurenrantnrave
August 31, 2011
Happy Birthday! Thank you for the gift of making me laugh frequently! It’s one that will never get old!
letempspasse
August 31, 2011
Thanks for a good laugh !
misswhiplashlash
August 31, 2011
happy Birthday Paul and Happy Birth Anniversary to Mom. Your time spent in the delivery room was time well spent, you now have a son , witty,funny, hilarious and intelligent……..
ooops..wrong Mother!
Lenore Diane
August 31, 2011
Oh. Oh. While you are time traveling (and before you are assassinated – obviously), perhaps you will cross paths with the unicorn and wasp and Daleks. If you do see the unicorn and wasp, please give Agatha my best.
Nice smoking jacket. Can I have it? You can keep the pipe.
sportsjim81
August 31, 2011
Greatsby- what sound advice. “Try asking for it”. So simple…I’ve never tried that before. Hang on a minute, I’ll be right back…
…Dear Good Greatsby, how do I convince a perfect stranger whose house I asked for, to remove the restraining order he just put on me?
Uthara
August 31, 2011
Happpy birthday paul! What a human you are!
gojulesgo
August 31, 2011
Sage advice as always. Last night my sister and I were at a restaurant and entertained the idea of asking the table next to us if we could have their uneaten half of pizza. I’m pretty sure they would have said yes.
pegoleg
August 31, 2011
Who would give away half a pizza when leftover breakfast pizza is one of life’s true delights? You’d probably have better luck getting their house.
Jeane
August 31, 2011
Happy birthday…did you go back in time to actually time your birth? You know mothers…always milking for sympathy!
gerknoop
August 31, 2011
Can I have the time machine you invented? I have a few things I would like a re-do on.
frigginloon
August 31, 2011
OK Wordslinger, here’s what I do. I dress up in my best suit, put on my poker face and simply slap a foreclosure notice on the house I fancy. 1 out of 10 people don’t bother checking if they are late in payments, they just pack up their belongings and skedaddle! Viola, free house!
sportsjim81
August 31, 2011
I like it. Anyone know where that Justin Beiber kid lives? I bet he’s too young to even know what foreclosure means.
gardenmad
August 31, 2011
Well, you could start with one red paperclip. I don’t know how to make this a live link, so anyone who’s interested will have to figure it out on their own?!! But you could get a free house. But it might be in Saskatchewan.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_red_paperclip
thelifeofjamie
August 31, 2011
Happy Birthday. Just think- you get to celebrate in multiple time zones! Make sure the flight attendant brings you a drink as you cross each one and makes the cabin sing to you. Seomthing along the lines of “we have a celebrity in our midst and it;s his birthday” would be appropriate. You may want to write that on a note card so she doesn’t screw it up.
HoaiPhai
September 1, 2011
With all due respect to you and your mom, I think that something may have been overlooked in the troubling case of The Wordslinger. His wanting to sell his house to buy a bigger one may not be a supressed gateway transaction that will lead to his selling (or possibly, leasing out) his children. His desire may actually be to have bigger children. If he cannot wait for them to grow taller, I suggest he starts feeding them meatloaf, and lots of it, at every meal. Have cheese available as a side and real ice cream with chocolate sauce fortified with melted butter for dessert, snacks, and before bed.
John Erickson
September 1, 2011
I’ll add my natal felicitations. And if you catch me on the right day, you can have my house here in SE Ohio for free. The only catch is you have to share a driveway with a set of itinerant liars and utter rednecks whose idea of “share” is they use and destroy the drive, and I get to fix it.
And people wonder why my nickname on other blogs is “No-hio”…..
Kim Pugliano
September 1, 2011
I have asked my mom umpteen times to give me her house and she refuses every time. Can we trade?
spilledinkguy
September 1, 2011
Happy birthday, Good Greatsby!!! I looked around for a card, but it’s slim pickin’s over here. Do you have one you could give me (preferably something with a Vin Diesel reference)? I’ll write something cheerful in it and send it back, of course. If you’ll also provide me with correct postage, that is.
savannah
September 1, 2011
happy birthday, sugar! i’m hating my house today, so i have absolutely nothing good to say about home ownership or the damn money pit that it is! xoxo
She's a Maineiac
September 1, 2011
Your mom is without a doubt the coolest mom in the universe.
savesprinkles1234
September 1, 2011
Happy Birthday! My children are technically adults and now I have no real authority to sell them! May I borrow your time machine for just a few minutes to correct this?
educlaytion
September 1, 2011
Loving the time travel conversation with yourself. I never thought of all the favors I could do for people if I had a time machine. I’m always too busy thinking of, well, anything else.
lynnbiederstadt
September 1, 2011
Happy birthday. Another year smarter, better, funner…. I’m jealous.
pattisj
September 1, 2011
May I have your house? And will you throw in the housekeeper, too? Thanks!
mangoseason
September 1, 2011
I am slightly awed by you.
blackholeundermycouch
September 1, 2011
Happy Birthday! And, for the record, as a mother, it is her natural-born right to raise the number of hours in labor, or any other horrible fact about giving birth to you, in perpetuity! Trust me, she earned it!
countingducks
September 1, 2011
I hope you had a lovely birthday
torcon1
September 2, 2011
Bro, did you score any cool swag for your b-day? Possibly a larger pipe or different colored smoking jacket perhaps? Help us live vicariously through you!!!
Spectra
September 3, 2011
Wishing you the profoundest of Birthday experiences, particularly with reference to your future pursuit of this missing 5 hoursof Birthday Time(BTW, that counts as double, maybe tripple-time). This opens up in your life a dimension of such mind-spliting possibilities, I am almost not envious of being you, the one who must do something great with his bifurcation of time and space. All I had to do last month for my birthday was eat cake and drink some wine. That went down swimmingly.
Hoo-rah, Hoo-rah, For he’s a Jolly Good Fellow! Everyone – join in now…. anytime, now, people…I say…Hoorah, Hoorah, For he’s a Jol-
where’d everybody go?
Dana
September 14, 2011
Belated-by-two-weeks birthday wishes are all the rage now, right? I thought so. Being tardy is the new black!
I hope your new age feels as comfortable as a smoking jacket on you, now that you’ve been able to wear it for a dozen-or-so days. Happy birthday!
The Good Greatsby
September 14, 2011
I don’t mind late birthday greetings. In fact, I’m okay with people wishing me happy birthday every day of the year.