How much does my wife miss me while I’m away in Edinburgh? This week we were talking on the phone and I asked, “Do you miss me?” and she didn’t answer because she had fallen asleep–a response I could only interpret as measuring very low on the missing scale.
The only time I can call her is after my show gets out and because of the time difference it’s always very late in Shanghai and she falls in and out of sleep while we talk. She feels this should also excuse the conversation when she said,”I love you…I think.” She tried to explain that the “I love you” and the “I think” were not part of a connected thought. She suggested she had said, “I love you”, then fallen asleep, woken up, said “I think”, then fallen asleep again. I want to believe her.
…..
My wife is a great cook and is constantly creating new dishes. If she worries the kids won’t like it, she gives it a fun name she hopes will help sell it: “This is Robin Hood Stew. This is just like the stew Robin Hood and his Merry Men used to eat.” My oldest son and I have been vegetarians for years and we never get sick of the same recurring joke at dinner–I’ll say in an apologetic voice, “I don’t want to be any trouble, but does Robin Hood Stew have meat in it? You don’t mean it contains pieces of Robin Hood, do you? Because I don’t eat meat.” And Optimist Prime will add, “Oh, I don’t eat meat either. Does this have meat in it? I’m sorry you went to so much trouble.” Then the two of us exchange a smirk while we wait for my wife to pretend to get upset because of course she knows we’re vegetarians and she wishes we’d get a new joke.
My wife is now a vegetarian and no longer prepares meat at home. The Fonz is not a vegetarian and eats meat during school lunch or when we go to a restaurant. This means The Fonz’s time at the dinner table is spent picking at protein substitutes like beans and lentils and it’s a battle to get him to eat anything he can’t pronounce like quinoa. My wife recently introduced a new dish and asked us to suggest names. The Fonz immediately suggested, “Let’s call it the Eat-It-Or-Mother-Will-Be-Unpleasant dish.
…..
One day left to submit a caption in the caption contest. Perhaps winning the caption contest could help assign your life the direction your ex-wife always said it lacked.
…..
I was so excited to see the last Harry Potter movie here in Edinburgh, but my enthusiasm slowly faded as I sat through an epic 32 minutes of previews and commercials. That’s not a misprint: 32 minutes!
I’ve seen movies in the US, Germany, China, Thailand, and Taiwan, and I don’t think any of them had previews lasting over 10-15 minutes. All films in Thailand contain a 90-second tribute to the King and everyone is required to stand, and I think they should show a similar 10-minute tribute to the Queen of England, although I expect that might not go over well here in Scotland.
I always wonder about the economics of how movie theaters make money, and I guess these UK theaters must do well on these commercials because they could probably add another showing of the film each day if they cut the preview/commercial duration.
Maybe they could dedicate one entire screen to previews and commercials all day, every day and anyone who wanted to come to the theater specifically to see commercials could buy a ticket and sit in that commercial theater for two hours. I’m thinking the best way to suggest my idea to the movie theater industry is through a 20-minute commercial to be shown at the beginning of each movie.
The Good Greatsby 
gojulesgo
August 20, 2011
I always love the Saturday Sampler….I think.
I was a vegetarian for a long time (shady motives I’d rather not discuss…except that one time I did, on my blog) and I’d be curious to know what your family’s favorite meals are! I’m a big fan of falafel. And red meat.
The Good Greatsby
August 20, 2011
I know you say you don’t want to talk about your vegetarianism but I’m fascinated by all the “shady motives” possibilities.
gojulesgo
August 20, 2011
Let’s just say it involved one or more of the following: bribery, coercion, hypnotism, illicit drugs, Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
k8edid
August 20, 2011
I like how your wife makes catchy names for new dishes. When my husband asks me what I call a new dish I am presenting I tell him it is “Eat it or Order Out”.
Also, I talk in my sleep, so for the first few years my husband would tell me or ask me things while I was sleeping. Like “I bought a new car today – but I had to trade yours in so now you’ll be driving my beat up wreck”, or “You don’t mind if I spend our savings on a baseball fantasy trip, do you?” and “My mother is coming for a month or two. That’s all right, isn’t it?”
I’m sure your wife misses you. Perhaps she could just record a message for the phone that says something to that effect. That’s what I would do…..you could feel missed and she could get her rest. I’m always happy to share tips for a lifetime of marital bliss…
No need to thank me.
The Good Greatsby
August 20, 2011
I tried to get my wife to record the message saying she missed me but she kept falling asleep before the beep.
Bridgesburning Chris King
August 20, 2011
I love the idea of Robin Hood Stew. When my sons were young I got them to eat liver by calling it Indian Steak – this was during their cowboy and Indian days. Then one day my girlfriend came over and said, “Oh yuck! Your kids eat liver?”. Last time they ever ate it.
In Canada our ads and previews are about 30 minutes pre movie also. By that time the popcorn is gone and I have forgotten what movie I came to see.
The Good Greatsby
August 20, 2011
Adding that extra 30 minutes ensures I won’t be able to make it through the movie without leaving to go to the bathroom once.
Lenore Diane
August 20, 2011
By the time the popcorn is gone – I have forgotten what movie I came to see….
Chris, that is funny.
misswhiplash
August 20, 2011
Not easy having a conversation with somebody who is asleep. Far be it for me to ever suggest that maybe the subject of the conversation was boring. Also difficult to stay awke when its sleepytime..
Robin Hood Stew , veggie style…I do not think that would suit me,but I applaud Mrs Paul for trying interesting names,,,she has a good imagination.
Never mind the time will quickly pass and you will soon be back home..
The Good Greatsby
August 20, 2011
You might like Robin Hood Stew and I assure you it contains no pieces of Robin Hood.
madtante
August 20, 2011
I’ve noticed the past 4-5 years in the States, it will EASILY run over 20 minutes of previews (including commercials like on TV–for Mountain Dew or whatever) on opening weekends. I forget to time it but there’s always time to get your seats, eat your popcorn and then run to the loo before the film starts. It’s a commitment of half a day if it’s a 3 hour film (with all those previews).
The Good Greatsby
August 20, 2011
The overall length is one of the main drawbacks that have caused me to see fewer movies at the theater in recent years. It seems movie theaters would understand adding any time to the total would make people feel less inclined to go to the cinema.
Chase McFadden
August 20, 2011
Like the food-naming idea. May try to serve up some Jedi groul or Tauntaun meatloaf tonight.
The Good Greatsby
August 20, 2011
If Tauntaun meatloaf is good enough for Han Solo, it’s good enough for your kids.
Lorna's Voice
August 20, 2011
Very stream-of-conscious of you. Give me a glimpse into your mind. I still had to wear sun glasses, but it was interesting.
So you’re a vegetarian, eh? Me, too–for 20 years. I’ve been vegan for about 5 years. How about you?
The Good Greatsby
August 20, 2011
I’ve been a veggie for almost 5 years. The vegan lifestyle sounds extremely difficult; I feel it’s hard enough to stay healthy on a vegetarian diet, not sure I could subtract anything else.
limr
August 20, 2011
Movies in Turkey had intermissions. The first time I experienced this, I thought the projector had broken.
The Good Greatsby
August 20, 2011
If movies had intermissions I’d probably leave without finishing the movie about 50% of the time. Many times the only thing preventing me from leaving a bad film is the awkwardness of standing up and shuffling out the aisle past ten people.
Speeder
August 20, 2011
My children and I learned that any dish served by my wife that had the word “surprise” added meant the refigerator had been cleaned out of 3 or more left-overs and mixed into a casserole. The result was usually shaky at best. Chicken Surprise or Hamberger Surprise, etc. alerted us to take a really small portion and hope for the best.
The Good Greatsby
August 20, 2011
The surprise was meant ironically; the only time anyone was ever surprised was when it turned out to be good.
thelifeofjamie
August 20, 2011
Your wife loves you- I think…And vegetarian??? How can you exist without meat? I don’t understand vegetarians- but I LOVE meat!
The Good Greatsby
August 20, 2011
It hasn’t been that difficult to go without meat; dealing with the constant social situations associated witth meat like a BBQ or an invitation to dinner have been the bigger challenge.
sgmarinova
August 20, 2011
i love the commercials in Edinburgh cinemas. it is annoying though when you go to the cinema three days in a row and have to sit through the same 30-minute commercials everyday.
but, hey, how often do you actually go to the cinema three days in a row?
pegoleg
August 20, 2011
I went to see the latest Potter here in the states – haven’t been to the movies in a couple of years – and couldn’t believe all the commercials. I thought: “Wait a minute – I’m paying to see these!”
I’ve never had Robin Hood Stew, but I love me some Maid Marion Mulligan.
joehoover
August 20, 2011
Do you eat the meat ‘replacements’ like the fake sausages, bacon and burgers? I’m no veggie but love and cook veggie food frequently but think the idea of making it look like meat is strange, I would have thought you don’t want to be reminded of meat? By that reckoning I’m surprised they haven’t marketed a tofu turkey.
Spectra
August 21, 2011
– but they have! Haven’t you heard of To-furkey? It’s a bit of a joke among non-vegetarians. And kudos to you, GG, for striving to be a vegetarian. I know it is difficult to omit foods from your diet, harder to eat out in restaurants and social situations. I am gluten-dairy-free, so this presents many difficulties. SO I stay home and cook a lot, and mostly eat salads out.
joehoover
August 22, 2011
No way, that’s hilarious! Just googled it, looks revolting, you wouldn’t bother would you?!Actually looks more like a Haggis whcih would be even more repulsive to a vegetarian than a turkey – even meat eaters struuggle with those.
HoaiPhai
August 20, 2011
Re-naming food is one of the joys of parenthood! Stuffed olives were dragon eyes to my son, for example.
My wife claims that when she falls asleep in mid phone conversation with me, it’s because she passes out from the sudden realization that I am too far away for her to embrace.
Lenore Diane
August 20, 2011
I like how the Fonz used the word ‘unpleasant’. Not upset, not mad, not cranky,…. unpleasant. I like it.
Rob has fallen asleep during conversations – he and my brother-in-law have a nerve that runs from their bum to their eyes. If they sit down – the nerve in the bum sends a signal to the eyes – and the eyes close.
Quite fascinating to watch. Or annoying. It may cause a period of unpleasantness, actually.
granny1947
August 20, 2011
You can bore your wife to sleep?
Over the telephone?
That takes special talent!
Bearman
August 21, 2011
I’d be happy with a 5 second tribute to the BEARMAN
Luda
August 21, 2011
The ‘Eat-It-Or-Mother-Will-Be-Unpleasant’ dish proves it. I had my suspicions, but now I’m 100% certain that the Fonz is a little genius.
Jen
August 21, 2011
RE: the ‘Eat-It-Or-Mother-Will-Be-Unpleasant’ dish, a favorite quote: “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” -Buddy Hackett
spilledinkguy
August 21, 2011
That reminds me…
I almost forgot to check the paper to see what commercials were playing…
🙂
Patricia DeWit
August 21, 2011
I live in Thailand and while my experience in movie theaters is no where near a thesis, and also while I really really hate to contradict you on your own site, it just may be possible that you were not in the same theater that we frequent. We know that we can arrive 20 minutes after the ‘showtime’ and get there just as everyone is standing for the King’s Anthem. And after 20 years, I can now sing that anthem word for word and I always tear up.
judithhb
August 22, 2011
We had various dishes when growing up after the second world war. Mother’s favourite was “Bread and pullit” what is that you may well ask. And the answer “‘the one who pulls the hardest gets the most” During and after the war there was little meat or indeed anything to choose from.
And at one stage my daughter was a vegetarian. At the same time my soon to be daughter in law was coming for dinner and she doesn’t eat vegetables. What a quandary solved by my clever husband. ‘Do as you always do. Set the dishes on the table and let them serve themselves’. Solved.!
Oh and I am sure that your wife does love you. She just wishes you were in the same time zone.
gerknoop
August 22, 2011
I used to tell my oldest son (when he asked what “that” is) when presenting a new dish that it was “Cat gut stew” and he was going to eat every single bit of it! The look on his face was priceless! My youngest son is gluten/dairy free and so I don’t dare tell him anything like that…he has so many things he can’t eat already!
Mrs. Paul sounds like a great match for you! I bet your really looking forward to getting home to your wife and kids. 🙂