Happy birthday, America! I got you a card but I wasn’t sure where to send it.
Allow me to apologize for sullying your reputation by trying to settle all arguments both home and abroad with a chant of “USA! USA! USA!”
Now for a selection of even indifferenter, fat-freer, low calorierer, state tourism slogans:
Alabama: Now with universal phone access in 41 of 67 counties.
Arkansas: Probably best to consider any loan a gift.
California: Our beauty will take your breath away. Also the pollution.
Colorado: Our capital shares the same name as Gilligan’s Island’s Bob Denver.
Idaho: Birthplace of the ‘ho’bo. Also deathplace.
Illinois: The ‘s’ is still silent.
Kentucky: The state Virginia willingly gave up.
Michigan: Make yourself at home. Seriously, please make Michigan your home and convince all your new neighbors to stop leaving.
Missouri: Pronunciation very similar to the word ‘misery’.
Pennsylvania: Come see the places where The Philadelphia Story, The Young Philadelphians, and The Philadelphia Experiment were not filmed.
South Carolina: Sister state of Queensland, Australia.
South Dakota: North Dakota is closed for repairs.
The Good Greatsby 
omawarisan
July 4, 2011
Bob Denver is the reason the city is named that, isn’t it?
The Good Greatsby
July 4, 2011
Exactly right. Gilligan, Colorado had already been taken.
psychowatcher
July 4, 2011
That’s it!
If you make me spit water, beer, soda, beer, milk, wine, beer, um, beer on my lap top 1 more time you have to replace it.
; )
The Good Greatsby
July 4, 2011
I hope these were all different occasions and you weren’t drinking all these liquids at once.
Bearman
July 5, 2011
Replace your lap??
Meet the Buttrams
July 4, 2011
I was waiting for Alabama to pop up. Now where’s Tennessee?
Tennessee: helping lonely men use cheesy pick-up lines on that girl at the bar. Also shaped like a speedboat.
The Good Greatsby
July 4, 2011
I’m sure Tennessee will have its day.
thelifeofjamie
July 4, 2011
I guess “Michigan- the murder capital of the Northeast” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it…
The Good Greatsby
July 4, 2011
Actually I think it has a terrific ring to it. You should send Michigan your suggestion.
nancyfrancis
July 4, 2011
I’d like to see you take a stab at Canadian Provincal and Territorial slogans!
The Good Greatsby
July 4, 2011
That does sound like a challenge. Maybe I’ll seek some input from Canadian readers.
HoaiPhai
July 5, 2011
That sounds like a dare to me. Here are a few ideas to get the ball rolling on Canadian provincial and territorial slogans.
British Columbia: 100% organic, except for the meth.
Alberta: More oil than we have ducks to sop it up with.
Saskatchewan: Canada’s rectangular wonderland.
Manitoba: Almost as big as Texas, but much cooler.
Ontario: More donuts than a Vin Deisel movie, only we mean the pastry.
Quebec: We’re not all as skinny as Celine Dion. (or) If you don’t like my driving, get off of the sidewalk.
New Brunswick: Not even as much fun as Old Brunswick.
Nova Scotia: Cirrhosis capital of the North.
Prince Edward Island: Anne of Green Gables was allergic to red potatoes.
Yukon: GM hasn’t paid us a cent for using our name.
Northwest Territories: Today’s tourist is tomorrow’s polar bear poop.
Nunavut: All compasses point to Nunavut. [the magnetic north pole is in Nunavut]
HoaiPhai
July 5, 2011
Oh, I forgot…one more province to go:
Newfoundland and Labrador: Always memorable.
Laura
July 5, 2011
Alternatively, “Newfoundland and Labrador: sharing a name with two of the world’s best dog breeds.”
nancyfrancis
July 5, 2011
Haha! These are Brilliant!
Leanne Shirtliffe
July 4, 2011
Canada: the country suffering from an inferiority complex, eh?
nancyfrancis
July 4, 2011
You mean Superiority!
The Good Greatsby
July 5, 2011
I wish our biggest problem was an inferiority complex.
Carl D'Agostino
July 4, 2011
Florida – City of Miami police shot to kill 5% fewer suspects last quarter. At 317 bullets fired each victim, savings ammo significant.
The Good Greatsby
July 4, 2011
Way to go Florida! Finally some good news.
wittyburg
July 6, 2011
I was wondering when Florida would get shit on … thought maybe it was just too easy. And now we get a whole slew of slogans from that whole TotMom not-guilty thing.
Invisible Mikey
July 5, 2011
I’m from Washington! – “George never slept here.”
The Good Greatsby
July 5, 2011
But wasn’t Washington state where he chopped down the cherry tree?
cooper
July 5, 2011
mmmmmmm….slogany……ughughughughughugh
The Good Greatsby
July 5, 2011
I’m hoping that’s the sound you make when you like something.
souldipper
July 5, 2011
Happy Independence Day, USA! Oh, GG – your gift for Canada’s birthday arrived. Holy Jumpin’ Mothers of Mercy! Did you know you could have sold that thing for at least 230,000 grand? Boy, you REALLY put the “U” in “Good Neighbour”!
The Good Greatsby
July 5, 2011
And you would not believe what I paid for shipping.
nurkingmom
July 5, 2011
Maine: We don’t care how much you like lobster and Stephen King. Really, we don’t.
The Good Greatsby
July 5, 2011
I assumed I was guaranteed a visit with Stephen King if I visited Maine. Is that not true?
Beth, just being me
July 5, 2011
laughing about the north dakota and south dakota comments – as a midwest girl i can tell you it’s only too true
The Good Greatsby
July 5, 2011
I assume North and South Dakota are fairly competitive with each other. Everyone has to have somebody they think they’re better than.
Beth, just being me
July 5, 2011
they are indeed, but North Dakota always comes out on top 😉
The Good Greatsby
July 5, 2011
I wonder which Dakota you’re from.
Beth, just being me
July 5, 2011
umm…really? the one that comes out on top, of course
Beth, just being me
July 5, 2011
i have a funny story about a time zone war in north dakota….delicious writing material now that i think about it
ryoko861
July 5, 2011
Was Philadelphia Cream Cheese discovered in PA? I wouldn’t know. Honestly, I really don’t care either, I hate living here.
This is great! Shows how dysfunctional this country is.
limr
July 5, 2011
I’m such a geek – I giggled as much over the mangled comparatives as I did over the slogans.
educlaytion
July 5, 2011
Pennsylvania: A drinking state with a football problem.
ryoko861
July 7, 2011
LMAO!!! Love it!!!
Emmy
July 8, 2011
I liked the one the reporter for the Daily Show came up with: “New Jersey: you’ll have to drive through here at some point”.
Eldridge Blute
February 23, 2013
It is best to take part in a contest for probably the greatest blogs on the web. I’ll advocate this website!
Keitha Klaiber
July 17, 2013
Once i retire I’d personally adore to move to Hawaii.