Great news for fans of bad acting and bad movies: Universal Pictures has announced plans for a sixth Fast and Furious movie.
The announcement was short on plot details because the computer that writes the Fast and Furious screenplays was on vacation this week. When the computer returns, the studio will input the following and see what the computer comes up with:
Vin Diesel wearing tank top.
Vin Diesel growling three word sentences. If Vin growls five words they must be important.
250 explosions.
Rapid fire editing of 0.25 seconds per shot during action scenes so viewers can never tell what’s happening but feel an artificial sense of excitement.
If the computer isn’t up to the task, I hope I’ll be allowed to submit an outline for the screenplay.
Scene 1: Cars racing through the street. The hyper-editing makes it impossible to tell who is driving or who is winning or who is losing. Scene ends with an explosion.
Scene 2: Vin Diesel is sitting in his car in a tank top. He growls into a cell phone, “Go for it.” Someone steps up to the car window and pulls a gun on Vin, but Vin doesn’t seem to care and growls something like, “You don’t have the guts.” The scene ends with an explosion.
Scene 3: Some sort of explosion.
Scene 4: Paul Walker and Vin Diesel eat sandwiches and talk about a car race. Paul Walker tells Vin Diesel the car race is too dangerous. Both sandwiches explode. Paul Walker looks down at his exploded sandwich and says, “That sandwich had one day left until retirement.”
Scene 5: Vin Diesel is driving a car, but here’s the twist: he’s driving neither fast nor furiously. Vin arrives at a hospital to see a character who exploded in scene 1, but the audience doesn’t recognize him because scene 1 was indecipherable. The guy in the hospital bed pulls a gun on Vin Diesel. Vin doesn’t seem to care and growls, “You don’t have the guts.” The scene ends with an explosion.
Scene 6: Paul Walker and Vin Diesel are eating sandwiches, and the audience is expecting the sandwiches to explode because of scene 4, but they don’t. The scene may feel unsatisfying without an explosion, but the audience will remember how much they like sandwiches and possibly begin to extend those positive feelings about sandwiches to positive feelings about the movie. Paul Walker reaches for half of Vin Diesel’s sandwich. Vin Diesel looks at him and growls, “You don’t have the guts.”
Scene 7: Maybe an explosion. Still thinking about this.
Scene 8: Something happens that makes the audience care about the characters and want to know what happens at the end. Still thinking about this.
Scene 9: Explosion.
Scene 10: Vin Diesel and Paul Walker stop for gas. Vin Diesel complains about the rising cost of gasoline, America’s dependence on foreign oil, and the need to develop renewable sources of energy. He communicates all this with one, three word sentence.
Scene 11: Paul Walker is riding a stationary bike, but riding really, really fast. His face also looks furious. Why is he riding so fast? Why does he look so furious? I guess you’ll have to see the movie to find out. The stationary bike explodes. Paul Walker survives but his t-shirt blew right off his body. His abs look awesome.
Scene 12: Climatic finale. All the previous explosions are explained through some sort of flashback dream sequence. Credits. Explosion.
If the description of this movie excites you, remember this is only a rough outline and I expect the second draft to be even more explosive.
The studio hasn’t yet released the official title of the film. They’ve had a hard time coming up with new deconstructions of the original title: The Fast and The Furious. The pressure of a new titles comes with trying to escalate both Fast and Furious at the same time. I would suggest focusing on one, while downplaying the other. For example:
Very Fast, Moderately Furious
Above-average Fast, Below Average Furious
Speed-of-light Fast, Feeling Fine
Not as Fast as You Would Expect, but Insanely Furious
Let’s Take it Slow Until We Get to Know Each Other Better, uber-Furious
Explosion! Explosion!
The Good Greatsby 
joehoover76
June 25, 2011
Have never seen any but my partner recorded the first 3 and threatens to put them on one evening, my excuses for not watching them are running out, I may accidently delete them and say the box crashed, or a nice touch would be if it exploded. I do find myself empathising with the sandwiches, maybe a love interest could be worked in there? Brilliant post
The Good Greatsby
June 25, 2011
Luckily, my wife abhors the Fast and the Furious just as much as I do. I hate to think where our relationship would be if she felt any differently.
angiejardine
June 25, 2011
Never seen one of these … you make them sound so enticing, Great 🙂 They should be just the films to watch when I’m recovering from my lobotomy.
The Good Greatsby
June 26, 2011
If you like explosions and cars driving fast in place of any story or character development, you’ll love these movies.
k8edid
June 26, 2011
If I wanted fast driving, explosions and no character development I would have stayed married to my first husband…..
Chase McFadden
June 25, 2011
I haven’t seen one of these movies, but I’m not sure I would understand them if I had. They sound so deep. Hope you’ve sent your screenplay in. It is awesome.
Explosion.
The Good Greatsby
June 26, 2011
The movies are pretty complex. Sometimes the cars go fast. Sometimes the cars explode. Sometimes the cars are parked while the driver is buying a sandwich. I’m not sure further explanation will be helpful.
lifeintheboomerlane
June 25, 2011
It’s fine for you to make light of films like this. But these films allow actors like Diesel to make so much money, that if they are walking down the street and their wallet drops on the ground, they laugh and keep walking. And people like us, who are also walking on the street, start scrambling for the wallet and soon there is a huge glob of people screaming and hitting each other and we all end up in the hospital and Diesel doesn’t even visit us because he is home doing whatever Hollywood-types do at home, but it probably doesn’t include fixing the screen door or watching Netflix and eating microwave popcorn.
She's a Maineiac
June 25, 2011
Scene 11 sold me. I’ve always wanted my stationary bike to explode.
The Good Greatsby
June 25, 2011
That would be an incredible scene, right?
Meet the Buttrams
June 25, 2011
Whoa whoa whoa, back this runaway franchise up. There’s already been five? And they’ve contacted me to play Paul Walker’s love interest exactly zero times? They’re running out of chances.
Haha, just kidding, they won’t run out of chances.
Explosion? (Just to shake it up a bit.)
The Good Greatsby
June 25, 2011
I’m still working on the screenplay. I’ll try and write you a part.
lipstickandlegislature
June 25, 2011
You forgot the insanely hot women who know entirely too much about cars. Not that it matters, because they all explode at the end anyway. This is, by the way, the best way the writers can think of to explain why Paul Walker didn’t call.
Iz
http://www.lipstickandlegislature.com
manneredgold
June 25, 2011
I’m sorry, but I processed absolutely nothing you wrote that fell below the picture of Vin in the tank top. I assume you were incredibly funny and full of word play…blah blah…great!…blah…loved it!…this is taking too long and I need to scroll back up. Please consider placing another half-clothed Vin pic near the bottom to make this read doable. Thanks.
Ricky Anderson
June 25, 2011
And yet I’d see it. Explosions and car crashes are just eye candy. Plot not required.
Explosion.
savesprinkles1234
June 25, 2011
I like scene 6. I’m really not a big fan of sandwiches.
educlaytion
June 25, 2011
Can you get me in as the assassin sandwich maker who tried to blow everybody up with lunch meats?
The Good Greatsby
June 25, 2011
I was worried about casting the part of the assassin sandwich maker, but I’ve seen some of your past video clips and I think you could do an outstanding job. You like sandwiches, right?
manneredgold
June 28, 2011
Are you familiar with The Butcher from Word Girl? Evil villian wearing a bandolero of sausages. Rolled up deli meats may also work. Consider it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZOAygrQAtk
Spectra
June 25, 2011
I see your writing predicament here, trying to top the first five ‘Fast and Furious’ screenplays, with only explosions and sandwiches and 3 words of dialogue to manipuate…Explosion!
I had an idea: when I was in highschool, I worked at a 2nd-run movie theatre that re-played the infamous Burt Reynolds/Sally Fields (pre-Oscar) film ‘Smokey and the Bandit’ for, like, a year. There were semi-trailor Convoys, cops, Beer (Coors Light was the Starring Cargo) and some- though not nearly enough- explosions. Maybe you could intercut scenes from Smokey and the Bandit with Fast and Furious, and create an entirely new, HYBRID (and therefore Green) Movie??? This has potential. Let’s see what you can do with it.
thelifeofjamie
June 25, 2011
First Fast and Furious…entertaining. Second- present sad and pathetic for all actors involved. This isn’t like James Bond…
jacquelincangro
June 25, 2011
Start working on your Oscar acceptance speech right now. I can see you on stage wearing that smoking jacket while Vin Diesel hands you the statue.
pegoleg
June 25, 2011
I thought Vin Diesel was BP’s new ultra-premium French gasoline. Thanks for clearing that up.
Dana
June 25, 2011
Hmm… not enough explosions for my taste. Back to the drawing board!
ajg
June 26, 2011
1. Fastirious and Fureard
2. Fast Colorless Green Ideas Sleep Furiouser
3. Slow and Steady, the prequel
4. 3f3f
5. Trolls 3
Kim Pugliano
June 26, 2011
I am all about scene 11.
Invisible Mikey
June 26, 2011
I liked the first movie myself, knowing damn well it was just brainless, colorful, loud fun. It made Diesel a star, and he hasn’t topped it. Sequels don’t end until people stop buying tickets, which is unfortunate as few of them equal the first in a series qualitatively.
Your titles were hilarious!
georgettesullins
June 26, 2011
Vin Diesel wearing a tank top…something’s missing…tattoos, where are the tattoos?
Judith
June 26, 2011
I have visions of all the computers on vacation but where? Not the beach or a hotel pool – far to risky for them. The desert – no too much sand. So poor things they probably have to take their vacations at home.
Laura
June 26, 2011
I’m hoping for “The Quick and the Peeved.”
I haven’t seen any of the movies, but now I really want a sandwich, preferably of the non-exploding variety.
Dan
June 26, 2011
I was looking forward to seeing a novelty rapper maybe Flo Rida. He could explode really big. Gold everywhere!
Binky
June 26, 2011
That’s a pretty good outline, but you didn’t put enough explosions in it. Or wombats for that matter. I’ll do a polish and get back to you.
paigekellerman
June 26, 2011
Producers: What the heck are we gonna call this one? Well, I suppose we could let Vin pick, this time. Vin?
Vin: Yeah? *ceases waxing pecks and head simultaneously*
Producers: What’s the sound a car makes?
Vin: “Vrrooooom”
Producers: I like it. “Vroooom IV” it is.
HoaiPhai
June 26, 2011
Isn’t Vin Diesel’s name misleading? I mean, “diesel” suggests a chug-a chug-a, slow-moving, cargo-carrying perfunctory vehicle, doesn’t it? His name ought to be something like “Hy Octane” if he’s going to put all of his career eggs in the “tuner vids” basket.
By the way, if you do get the contract for the screenplay, do you think you could write my boss into one of the exploding scenes, please?
Ape No. 1
June 26, 2011
Sounds sick. Only constructive comment, from one hollywood script writer to another, is perhaps you should consider altering one of the scenes to feature Vin Diesel launching a car through the Gatsby mansion, snatching Daisy away from Gatsby in mid flight, and then obviously concluding the scene with an explosion. You could play the role of James Gatz yourself. You can looked shocked at the sight of a 2007 flourescent orange Toyota Supra making an unlikely appearance in a 1920’s West Egg mansion smoking room. It would require a smoking jacket obviously given the scene’s location.
omawarisan
June 26, 2011
Your formula on the formula has great potential. I wish you great success with it and hope you are able to extend the series so far that you finally write the script for the 56th fim in the series “Fast, but completely indifferent”.
Amy
June 27, 2011
This sounds great and all but you’ll never make it in Hollywood. You don’t have the guts.
flippingchannels
June 27, 2011
Thank you. This post has handily saved me the trouble of seeing the first five films. In fact, your description was so good I probably don’t need to see the new one either.
nancyfrancis
June 28, 2011
More cowbell please.
spilledinkguy
June 29, 2011
HA!
That will teach me for missing a day or two! An entire post dedicated to a future Academy Lifetime Achievement award winner! Bravo, sir! Bravo! 🙂
The Good Greatsby
June 29, 2011
You know I was waiting for your comment on this one above all others.
the master
June 30, 2011
Whatever the title is, I just hope the movie accurately reflects it this time – over in five minutes, and Vin Diesel punches you in the face on the way out of the cinema.