Very Fast, Moderately Furious

Posted on June 25, 2011


Great news for fans of bad acting and bad movies: Universal Pictures has announced plans for a sixth Fast and Furious movie.

The announcement was short on plot details because the computer that writes the Fast and Furious screenplays was on vacation this week.  When the computer returns, the studio will input the following and see what the computer comes up with:

Vin Diesel wearing tank top.
Vin Diesel growling three word sentences.  If Vin growls five words they must be important.
250 explosions.
Rapid fire editing of 0.25 seconds per shot during action scenes so viewers can never tell what’s happening but feel an artificial sense of excitement.

If the computer isn’t up to the task, I hope I’ll be allowed to submit an outline for the screenplay.

Scene 1: Cars racing through the street.  The hyper-editing makes it impossible to tell who is driving or who is winning or who is losing.  Scene ends with an explosion.

Scene 2: Vin Diesel is sitting in his car in a tank top.  He growls into a cell phone, “Go for it.”  Someone steps up to the car window and pulls a gun on Vin, but Vin doesn’t seem to care and growls something like, “You don’t have the guts.”  The scene ends with an explosion.

Scene 3: Some sort of explosion.

Scene 4: Paul Walker and Vin Diesel eat sandwiches and talk about a car race.  Paul Walker tells Vin Diesel the car race is too dangerous.  Both sandwiches explode.  Paul Walker looks down at his exploded sandwich and says, “That sandwich had one day left until retirement.”

Scene 5: Vin Diesel is driving a car, but here’s the twist: he’s driving neither fast nor furiously.  Vin arrives at a hospital to see a character who exploded in scene 1, but the audience doesn’t recognize him because scene 1 was indecipherable.  The guy in the hospital bed pulls a gun on Vin Diesel.  Vin doesn’t seem to care and growls, “You don’t have the guts.”  The scene ends with an explosion.

Scene 6: Paul Walker and Vin Diesel are eating sandwiches, and the audience is expecting the sandwiches to explode because of scene 4, but they don’t.  The scene may feel unsatisfying without an explosion, but the audience will remember how much they like sandwiches and possibly begin to extend those positive feelings about sandwiches to positive feelings about the movie.  Paul Walker reaches for half of Vin Diesel’s sandwich.  Vin Diesel looks at him and growls, “You don’t have the guts.”

Scene 7: Maybe an explosion.  Still thinking about this.

Scene 8: Something happens that makes the audience care about the characters and want to know what happens at the end.  Still thinking about this.

Scene 9: Explosion.

Scene 10: Vin Diesel and Paul Walker stop for gas.  Vin Diesel complains about the rising cost of gasoline, America’s dependence on foreign oil, and the need to develop renewable sources of energy.  He communicates all this with one, three word sentence.

Scene 11: Paul Walker is riding a stationary bike, but riding really, really fast.  His face also looks furious.  Why is he riding so fast?  Why does he look so furious?  I guess you’ll have to see the movie to find out.  The stationary bike explodes.  Paul Walker survives but his t-shirt blew right off his body.  His abs look awesome.

Scene 12: Climatic finale.  All the previous explosions are explained through some sort of flashback dream sequence.  Credits.  Explosion.

If the description of this movie excites you, remember this is only a rough outline and I expect the second draft to be even more explosive.

The studio hasn’t yet released the official title of the film.  They’ve had a hard time coming up with new deconstructions of the original title: The Fast and The Furious.  The pressure of a new titles comes with trying to escalate both Fast and Furious at the same time.  I would suggest focusing on one, while downplaying the other.  For example:

Very Fast, Moderately Furious

Above-average Fast, Below Average Furious

Speed-of-light Fast, Feeling Fine

Not as Fast as You Would Expect, but Insanely Furious

Let’s Take it Slow Until We Get to Know Each Other Better, uber-Furious

 Explosion!  Explosion!