When I’m at a party, I’m not usually the type to try to be the center of attention. I’m more likely to be in a corner trying to convince someone I’ve just met that I’m about to confess to a crime. We’re laughing about something and then my face darkens, and I get a faraway look and whisper, “Have you ever killed anybody?” The acquaintance stares at me for a moment before answering no, and I seem to come out of my trance and laugh, and say, “Oh, me neither. Of course not.” Then the faraway look returns, and I whisper, “But I don’t necessarily mean murder. What if it was something like you accidentally hit a hitchhiker and you didn’t stop to see whether he was okay and you just kept on driving?” This back and forth continues until the new friend realizes I’m not serious or until he agrees to help me cover up a hypothetical crime.
I’m not planning any crimes, and I hope the necessity of a cover-up never arises, but it’s good to know which friends have my back and pass this test of friendship.
We all have our tests of friendship. Some friends are always around at dinner time, but they disappear the moment you need help moving. Or maybe a friend does agree to help, but he questions every single detail: “Why are we helping your grandmother move in the middle of the night and why do we have to be so quiet and why did we have to break a window to get in?” or “Why do you need one of my kidneys if there’s nothing wrong with either of yours?”
My friend Beckers would be willing to help me move or even give me one of her kidneys if I needed it, although she was iffy on whether she would still give me a kidney if both of my kidneys were fine and I only wanted a third as a back-up. The one area where she fails as a friend is in her willingness to help me cover up a crime.
I assume she has her qualms about a cover-up because she is a “good person”, but this is exactly why she would make such a good alibi–she’s the only credible-sounding person I know. The police would meet her, instantly trust her, and believe anything she says. When I expressed my disappointment and genuine surprise that she would be unwilling to help me out of a tight spot, she suggested I ask one of my other friends to provide me an alibi. Little did she know I had already asked every other friend and they had all agreed immediately–which is why they’re the type of low character people who would make bad alibis.
It’s no good if my friend Andrew provides me an alibi:
Police: So Paul was with you at karaoke last night?
Andrew: Yup. You should have heard us rock Bad Romance.
Police: So you and Paul are pretty good friends, huh?
Andrew: Yup.
Police: And you’d be willing to help him in a tight spot, right?
Andrew: Sure.
Police: Like provide him a fake alibi?
Andrew: Of course.
Police: And if you and I were friends, would you provide me a fake alibi?
Andrew: That’s what friends do.
This is why I need a firm alibi guarantee from Beckers. Our last conversation on the topic went along the following lines:
Me: Would you help me bury a 200 pound rolled-up rug? You have no idea what’s in the rug, and you never ask, and I never tell.
Beckers: No.
Me: Would you help me clean a crime scene?
Beckers: No.
Me: Would you help me clean up after dinner?
Beckers: Yes.
Me: Would you help me clean up after a dinner I prepared for the police and at this dinner you provided me an alibi?
Beckers: No.
Me: Would you lend me a shovel?
Beckers: I wouldn’t feel good about using that shovel after you used it to help cover up a crime.
Me: Who’s talking about a crime? I’m just a friend asking for a shovel. That’s all you need to tell yourself. And you don’t even have a shovel. Why are you being so particular about how your hypothetical shovel is being used? I bet if you even had a shovel, you would barely ever use it.
Beckers: Still no.
Me: Would you lend me $200 to buy a shovel?
Two non-hypothetical shovels.
Beckers: Shovels don’t cost $200.
Me: How much does a shovel cost?
Beckers: Maybe $30.
Me: How about you lend me $200 and I’ll pay you back $30 if you’re right?
Beckers: No.
Me: Would you provide me an alibi, no questions asked?
Beckers: No.
Me: Would you provide me an alibi, questions asked?
Beckers: Who did you kill?
Me: I can’t answer that question.
Beckers: Why did you kill him?
Me: I can’t answer that question.
Beckers: Was it in self-defense?
Me: Before I answer, do you have a very broad definition of self-defense?
Beckers: No.
Me: Then I can’t answer that question.
We’ve been having variations of this discussion for the last nine months, and I’m relieved to say we’re making a little progress. She’s now willing to lend me 30 hypothetical dollars, which I plan to use to buy a hypothetical shovel.
The Good Greatsby 
the master
June 9, 2011
It’s probably for the best that you chose to show the hypothetical shovels, rather than the hypothetical murder.
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
It was definitely harder to find pictures of a hypothetical murder.
Sid
June 9, 2011
Let’s just call a spade a spade.
Meh. That’s all I’ve got.
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
She wouldn’t even lend me a spade, although I’m pretty sure a spade is cheap enough I could buy it without her help.
carldagostino
June 9, 2011
Beckers – picky, picky, picky. If you are Sicilian, everyone one gives you an alibi because they have people to give an
alibi for them who have friends to alibi for them to the point that nobody was in the whole country when it happened. Best alibi: “It was like that when I got here.” Homer Simpson
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
I don’t know any Sicilians, but they sound like the type of people I wouldn’t want as enemies, so I won’t make any statement on the possible truth of your statement.
georgettesullins
June 9, 2011
OMGoodness. Did your parents/teachers love you or hate you? I know, I know your good looks probably worked with them too. Funny, funny post!
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
Parents always think I’m the nice, clean-cut guy, until I ask if they’ve ever killed anybody.
lifeintheboomerlane
June 9, 2011
Oh boy. Having lived through the first scenario, which involved a Native American with an extremely long ponytail, I am grateful I wasn’t called upon to deal with the next one. I have an aversion to shovels and to carrying anything heavier than a shopping bag.
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
Some people don’t have any ethical objections to covering up a murder, but rather have an aversion to lifting anything heavy.
k8edid
June 9, 2011
My test of friendship was whether you would take my 2 hyperactive sons for the weekend on short notice (i.e. – I’m pounding on your front door with them handcuffed together sporting duct tape on their mouths) AND you wouldn’t get upset if I forgot to pick them up Sunday evening, AND you would provide an alibi for anything I needed, no questions asked because I know things about you that you don’t want known by anyone else, but especially your husband….
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
I’m kind of curious to know how many friends you have.
madtante
June 9, 2011
So…you’re a politician?
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
I’m not running for anything, but if somebody were to appoint me dictator I guess I would say yes.
Renee Davies
June 9, 2011
This was funny from start to finish! I love Beckers – she’s tough.
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
She certainly is tough, and that’s why I assume the police would have a hard time getting her to crack.
thelifeofjamie
June 9, 2011
I hope your hypothetical 30 dollars is more than you need for a hypothetical shovel so there is a little left over for some hypothetical bail money. Will she post your bail? Now THAT is a good friend!
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
I think she would bail me out, but I’m not sure I want her at the police station. She might feel compelled to tell the police I’m the kind of person who frequently discusses alibis.
thebabelblog
June 9, 2011
At least its better than the friend who says for sure they have an alibi for you and then crack under the pressure…ah, childhood.
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
It makes me nervous to have any friends who would easily crack under police interrogation. I don’t need those friends around.
ajg
June 9, 2011
In my defense, those cops were way smarter than me.
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
It could have happened to anyone. Those cops certainly led you down a difficult logic road.
monicastangledweb
June 9, 2011
Some friend Beckers is. She asks too many questions. Perhaps she’d act differently if the tables were turned? Either way, once again, love your post. Thanks!
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
I don’t want to wish for Beckers to get into trouble, but if she came to me in a jam it would be very satisfying to say, “This is exactly what I’ve been trying to tell you. Sometimes a hitchhiker comes out of nowhere, and it’s not your fault.”
infinite monkey theorem
June 9, 2011
My friend*, you are truly rich, and up $30.00 to boot! My “friends”…huh…fiends call the police almost daily on principal! I had to let two small trees die last spring because the cops kept confiscating my shovels! Where was the Lorax then? You’re a lucky guy!
Use of the word “friend” here in no way implies a willingness to help you with any coverups! It’s just a word, like love, or trust, or bouillabaisse…don’t read anything into it!
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
Now that we’re friends, could you do me a favor and say I was replying to your comment all of last night?
infinite monkey theorem
June 10, 2011
Depends on who your in trouble with…
FBI: I will lie
CIA: it’s okay
Interpol: I’m no mole
RCMP: never get a word outta me
Scotland Yard: his is “A still and quiet conscience” to quote the Bard
Mrs Greatsby: Girl, he’s just some dude on the internet…I don’t know where he was…what’s that behind your back…looks like a shovel…
pegoleg
June 9, 2011
That’s a tough friendship test. I’m with Beckers on the shovel, but I might lend you $7 for a really flimsy gardening trowel.
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
But I would get blisters from that flimsy gardening trowel. Murder is sounding less and less attractive all the time.
Tyler
June 9, 2011
That Beckers sounds like a shady character, we should color her in with markers. You gotta frame the broad (bruh-odd) so that she’ll be in your pocket, then you keep her there like the Indian in the Cupboard, and she’ll have to do as you say and she give you her tiny little shovel and you can use it to eat a cupcake at a little kid’s birthday party and you’ll look so cute and no one would ever suspect you. Case closed, and locked, and stolen, and sold to a pawn shop.
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
Not a bad idea to try and frame her for a crime so she could see how easily you can find yourself in a jam, even if you consider yourself a “good person”.
I’ve tried to comment on your site twice this week and both times I got a message saying my IP address has been identified as spam.
Tyler
June 10, 2011
i’ll get on that because our alphabets should interact more than redneck meat blockers should allow.
forget “good people”, we’re “great people”. strike 4, home run.
nancyfrancis
June 9, 2011
What about money to pay for a hypothetical hitman?
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
She’d be even less likely to help with something pre-meditated. Most of my hypothetical scenarios have hinged on the idea that crimes of passion could happen to anybody.
Kim
June 10, 2011
I would totally lend you $200 to buy a shovel…. and then I would wrestle it from you after the purchase and beat you about the head with it . I would take the remaining change back…. and I’d keep the shovel too!
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
Maybe we should wait on defining our relationship as friendship.
Kim
June 10, 2011
Dang… I wouldn’t kill ya… just remind you who’s boss!!! 😦
spilledinkguy
June 10, 2011
Hahaha…
I’m shocked I haven’t seen you make an appearance on The Hypothetical Price is Right, G.G.!
🙂
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
That’s a great idea for a show. Hypothetically, I would totally watch it.
Bearman
June 10, 2011
I’m thinking you killed Beckers for not letting you borrow a damn shovel.
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
Now she won’t even let me borrow a shovel for genuine shoveling needs. Last weekend I needed to bury my shovel and I asked if I could use hers to bury mine, and you would not believe all the questions she gave me.
bridgesburning
June 10, 2011
The third kidney is a great idea,!! You have such good friends!
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
Two kidneys just doesn’t seem like enough. I don’t want to fly on a plane with only two engines. I’d prefer three engines or even better, sixteen engines.
Rachael Black
June 10, 2011
you totally slay me!
Girly
June 10, 2011
FYI Rachael, I wouldn’t help him cover up your murder!
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
I thought we agreed on “no questions asked”! That includes no asking who’s rolled up in the rug.
jacquelincangro
June 10, 2011
Stuff your cheeks with cotton balls and then tell her you have an offer she can’t refuse.
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
I wish she hadn’t refused my offer to borrow $200 and only return $30.
paigekellerman
June 10, 2011
It’s actually quite polite of you to leave your wife out of all of it. After all, someone will need to raise your sons, while your in prison. Grandma’s not going to do it, after she learns you broke into her house.
….or was Grandma the one that received the “business end” of the shovel?
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
You sure ask a lot of questions. Have you been talking to the police?
Girly
June 10, 2011
Dark. Hilarious… and dark.
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
I was hoping you would like it because I really need to ask you a favor.
flippingchannels
June 10, 2011
I wouldn’t be comfortable providing you with a real alibi, as we have never actually met, but I would gladly provide a hypothetical one.
The Good Greatsby
June 10, 2011
This sounds like the start of a beautiful hypothetical friendship.
frigginloon
June 10, 2011
I hate to side track BUT…. ever want to get rid of a telemarketer? When they ring (and they friggin will) tell them you are a cop at a crime scene and they are now part of the investigation.
Beckers
June 11, 2011
I am glad that some of you understand my point of view on this hypothetical situation!
The Good Greatsby
June 11, 2011
The last thing I wanted was for you to receive any encouragement of your point of view.
Beckers
June 14, 2011
Too late 😀
writerwoman61
June 13, 2011
It was the Good Greatsby in Shanghai with the shovel…oh wait, I wasn’t supposed to tell people that…oops!
Wendy