The ransom note was a masterpiece requiring ten hours of concentration as I meticulously cut letters from old magazines–stolen from the servants quarters’ trash and covered with the servants’ fingerprints–and glued the letters on a sheet of official police stationery I had stolen to make the targets less likely to go to the police.
The morning of the nabbing I scouted out the dog park before returning home to review the plans one last time, but the ransom note was gone! In my mailbox I found the following message:
I had no time to steal another sheet of police stationery and make another note. I absolutely needed my original ransom note or I would have to delay. I placed the following note in my mailbox:
A short time later, I found the following message:
I resolved I would have to steal another sheet of police stationery and make another ransom note from my remaining old magazines stolen from the servants quarters’ trash and covered in their fingerprints.
I left the note in the mailbox and went back inside to start on the new ransom note, but the magazines were gone! I raced back to the mailbox and found the following note:
I replied:
I received the following reply:
The Good Greatsby 
carldagostino
May 1, 2011
Great reverse on the gag. We used to call it “spinning the tables” Use the other guy’s plan to get you on him.
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
But he spun the tables on me, right? Wasn’t I the patsy in this one?
lifeintheboomerlane
May 1, 2011
Hilarious take off. And I seriously hope your word processor program has a “ransom note” font.
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
I’m hooked on writing ransom notes. I never planned on stealing anything, but I’m fascinated by the art of the ransom note.
duncanr
May 1, 2011
Friggin servants !!!
Got to be them. After all, who else knows where you keep your gum and your scissors and has easy access to your mailbox?
Getting ideas above their station, they are. Holding your ransom note up for ransom is the thin edge of the wedge. Let the buggers get away with this and before you know it they will be making other demands – a cut in their working hours to 112 a week and a full ½ day holiday every year on Xmas Day 🙄
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
I feel bad about placing the blame on the servants, but not bad enough to let it stop me.
thelifeofjamie
May 1, 2011
I believe that is called Flipping the Script…I can’t believe they stole your thunder.
The Good Greatsby
May 2, 2011
I’m usually the one conning others. It hurts to be the one taken advantage of instead of taking advantage of others.
thelifeofjamie
May 2, 2011
and furthermore ruining your reputation…you should sue.
omawarisan
May 1, 2011
I’ll send you the stationery.
Stick to your plan, clearly your those who torment you while you try to torment others are on their last legs. They can only afford black and white magazines.
The Good Greatsby
May 2, 2011
You’re right. I should have taken more encouragement in the fact he couldn’t afford color magazines.
Calhoun
May 1, 2011
Those other folks just sound kinda lazy… I mean, stealing your plan that you so meticulously worked on? That’s the real crime here
The Good Greatsby
May 2, 2011
Very true. I’m the victim here.
Spectra
May 2, 2011
Why am I getting this wrong?
I didn’t end up seeing you as the victim – I thought this was all part of your ‘Master Plan’ to get ‘them’ to steal the dog. Which they must have, the way this scenario ended…which makes you the Victor.
No?
Tori Nelson
May 1, 2011
Haha. I mean business and so do we. You and we are a genius 🙂
The Good Greatsby
May 2, 2011
Thanks. All of we appreciate it.
carldagostino
May 1, 2011
Yep. You’re the patsy.
The Good Greatsby
May 2, 2011
All my life I’ve dreamed of taking advantage of others. It hurts to be on the receiving end.
Girly
May 2, 2011
The dog did it.
The Good Greatsby
May 2, 2011
Are you suggesting the dog was in on it from the start? I can’t believe I trusted him.
savesprinkles1234
May 2, 2011
Hey, isn’t that font from the 2011 Microsoft Criminal Suite? The “Felony” version, I believe? I’d love to have it, but I can only aford the “Misdemeanor” edition, and it doesn’t have nearly the features.
The Good Greatsby
May 2, 2011
Microsoft has made criminal activity so much more efficient.
spilledinkguy
May 2, 2011
I’m beginning to get the feeling I’ve been duped! This is one of those fancy ‘typefaces’ (closer inspection of these letterforms reveal many shocking similarities)! Here I was concerned you’d been up all night, risking paper-cuts and the like…
Shenanigans! I call shenanigans, sir! 🙂
The Good Greatsby
May 2, 2011
These are duplicates I created for the purpose of explaining my story. I couldn’t use my real ransom notes because I never got them back.
Laura
May 2, 2011
I think you’ve found your true calling — you should start your own business creating ransom notes for kidnappers. I’m not sure whether you should charge by the word or get a percentage of the ransom, or what, but you can work those details out for yourself over time. You could advertise on craigslist.
Spectra
May 2, 2011
“Like”
The Good Greatsby
May 2, 2011
I could provide a whole range of business services aimed at helping kidnappers be more efficient. Think of how helpful a really good PowerPoint presentation would be in explaining your plan to potential cohorts.
Judith
May 2, 2011
And here I was sitting and worrying about how to raise some money to pay all the bills that just keep flooding into my mailbox and you have the solution – a ransom. If I send you the details will you please produce a ransom note for me? I don’t have the typeface and have no spare cash to buy it. Maybe once the ransom is paid I can do so. By the way, what are your charges?
The Good Greatsby
May 2, 2011
First I need to know how much you’ll be asking as ransom so I can charge 99% of that amount.
Jess Witkins
May 2, 2011
I want this to be true. I do. I really do. I want someone to spend that much time cutting out letters and gluing them onto stolen stationary. LOL.
The Good Greatsby
May 2, 2011
Are you suggesting you have doubts about this story? My fingers are still covered with cut-out letters and glue.
the master
May 2, 2011
The obvious answer is to turn up at 1:50, but they might’ve thought of that. So you’ll have to think that they thought of that, and arrive at 1:45. But they might think that you thought they’d think of that, so you’ll have to think that they thought that you’d think they thought of that, and arrive at 1:40. But then, being crafty fellows, they might think that you thought that they’d think that you thought they’d think of that, so you’ll have to think that they thought that you’d think that they thought that you’d think they thought of that, and arrive at 1:30. Alternatively, you could just go now.
Man, now I have a headache.
Spectra
May 2, 2011
If he justs lets it happen, his original plan will have suceeded: Kidnap the dog! But somebody else does it, he is ‘out of the suspect loop’, his goal achieved. BTW- whose dog was it you were going to kidnap, anyway?
the master
May 2, 2011
Yes, he gets away scott free – but without the ransom money. Unless he gets to the sun dial early, but they might’ve thought of that. So he’ll have to think that they’ve thought of that, and get there even earlier. I’m not gonna think about him thinking that they’d thought of that, though, because it makes my head hurt.
The Good Greatsby
May 2, 2011
My parents advised against a life of crime, and I’m beginning to think it wasn’t for ethical reasons, but rather they knew it would be too complicated for me.
Renee Davies
May 2, 2011
Your wife and kids are very clever. I like that they are capitalizing on all your work – and they took your skizzors and glue to boot.
The Good Greatsby
May 2, 2011
If that were true, the greatest disappointment would be that my kids were already matching me in a battle of wits.
educlaytion
May 2, 2011
I’m glad you found all my notes. Thanks for the scissors and glue.
The Good Greatsby
May 2, 2011
My only consolation is that those scissors are useless to you because you’re a lefty, right? The glue, however, can be used by a righty or a lefty.
flippingchannels
May 2, 2011
I suggest you start making notes from the ones they sent to you. They’ve conveniently gone and stuck all the really good letters on one page already!
The Good Greatsby
May 2, 2011
That’s a good suggestion. I would love to hear the police analyzed my ransom note and traced the letters back to another ransom note.
flippingchannels
May 2, 2011
Plus the ransom notes you created from those notes would have your ransom rival(s) fingerprints on them, thus implicating him/her/them in your dog thieving endeavors.
Binky
May 2, 2011
Maybe you should just hire this guy (these guys) to make your ransom notes and pay them a commission. It could be a lucrative arrangement for both/all of you.
The Good Greatsby
May 2, 2011
Maybe you’re right. I would much rather concentrate my energy on ordering other people around and counting my ransom money. That’s where my true talent lies.
Kim
May 2, 2011
Brilliant!!!
nursemyra
May 2, 2011
you’ve outdone yourself with this one GG
ryoko861
May 2, 2011
LMAO!
Amy
May 2, 2011
But, wait. What happened to Sir Snugglesworth? While you guys were getting high off glue fumes, who was watching the dog?
The Good Greatsby
May 2, 2011
I haven’t actually kidnapped him yet. I’m still working on the ransom note.
justjotter
May 3, 2011
I ate all of the glue.
The Good Greatsby
May 3, 2011
That glue and I had been through a lot together. He had two days left until retirement.
writerwoman61
May 3, 2011
Can’t you guys get together over a little Elmer’s and work this out? It’s sad when criminals can’t get along! If you’re good, maybe I’ll let you use the pointy scissors next time!
“Ma Matheson”
The Good Greatsby
May 3, 2011
They have pointy scissors now? I wish I’d known that before I spent ten hours creating my ransom note with those stub-ended children’s scissors.
bluebee
May 3, 2011
lost the plot on that one
The Good Greatsby
May 3, 2011
Integral parts of the plot were stolen, and I’m negotiating now for their release.
Rachael Black
May 3, 2011
you are a genius with PhotoShop and humor.
For the mere ransom of $79.83 (plus shipping and handling . And if you pay up now get double your ransom’s worth for JUST additional shipping and handling -that’s two ransom demands for the price of one!) I will return your original copy and send a pirated copy of CS5.
You will be contacted in a later blog with further instructions.
Do not try to contact me at the reply address. It will be placed in a spam folder and never be seen again.
The Good Greatsby
May 3, 2011
I’ve given up on making ransom demands of other bloggers because none of my comments are showing up on their blogs. I’ve commented on your most recent post twice, but neither has shown up. Please check your spam.
The World Is My Cuttlefish
October 10, 2014
You card!
In My Cluttered Attic
November 4, 2016
Paul, there are no words, because I was having a terrible time trying to endure the uncontrollable fits of laughter. 😀
Al
January 10, 2017
I had a great ransom note once, but the dog I kidnapped ate it.
The Good Greatsby
January 10, 2017
Nobody appreciates how much work goes into those notes. It’s a painstaking process. You’d be forgiven for taking a nap once you finished and completely missing the dog eating the note.
Al
January 10, 2017
Yeah, thanks why I turned to bank robbery, they take handwritten notes.
The Good Greatsby
January 10, 2017
There’s a great scene in a Woody Allen movie when he hands a robbery note to the bank teller and the teller can’t read his handwriting. ‘Give me all your money. I have a gum in my pocket.’ He calls over his manager and the three of them go back and forth on his penmanship.
Al
January 10, 2017
Have seen that. Hilarious, but then it’s Woody Allen isn’t it.