About once a year I’ll be out with friends at dinner and I’ll take a look around the table and realize: Paul, you could do a lot better than this crowd.
But who is this better crowd? Where do they hang out? What kind of dinner jackets are they wearing this season so I can bring myself to their attention? And after I find this better crowd, how do I guilt them into inviting me to a party?
And not just any party, but a yachting party, because I’ve become increasingly convinced that this better crowd I’m seeking is the yachting crowd.
I’ve never been on a yacht but I’m certain I’d enjoy it because it’s the kind of thing I’d look good doing. How do I know? Because of the opening lines of Carly Simon’s song, You’re So Vain:
You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf was apricot
You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte
And all the girls dreamed that they’d be your partner
They’d be your partner, and…
She managed to perfectly describe the way I always enter a party. Also the way I enter a Starbucks. And apparently the way I enter a party and Starbucks is the exact same way one should enter a yacht. Nobody taught me to wear an apricot scarf and dip my hat below one eye. Nobody taught me to stare at myself in the mirror. Nobody taught me to be the type of guy girls dream will be their partner. It just came naturally.
But here we are almost halfway through the summer and still nobody has invited me to a yachting party.
Where does the yachting crowd hang out? Here’s the short answer: not Starbucks.
I’ve got my captain’s hat, a blue sport coat with brass buttons, and a pipe. I’ve worn my yachting outfit all over town, but still no invitation. I’ve been wearing Nautica cologne with no success.
It seems I’ve tried everything to grab their attention, like when I converse with my current string of low-grade friends I loudly use words I know they’ll like, hoping a yachtsman at another table might overhear. Words like chartreuse, because when a yachtsman shows you his new yacht, your face doesn’t just turn scarlet with envy, it should chartreuse with envy.
I’ve also taken to adapting all my idioms for the seafaring crown.
“Before you judge a man, be sure to swim a nautical mile in his wetsuit.”
“I couldn’t get that guy to shut up. He was talking a knot a minute.”
“There are plenty of other fish in the sea.”
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong because to me it seems obvious that I’d make a great yachting guest. I’ve tried everything short of checking Google to see if Shanghai even has a recreational marina.
If you’ve got a yacht, or a friend who has a yacht, why not invite me to your yachting party?
The Good Greatsby 
lickingthebeater
July 25, 2012
I will actually go right now and buy a yacht, because I want to invite you to my yachting party. Yacht no longer looks like a real word, it has been mentioned too many times.
The Good Greatsby
July 26, 2012
I agree. As I reread this post before publishing I kept thinking I had misspelled yacht because it no longer looked correct.
davidrothbauer
July 25, 2012
Paul! The invitation must’ve been lost in the mail. I was wondering why you didn’t show up at my yacht party! My guests were devastated and I felt quite the fool as I talked you up big time.
We were all very anxious to see the difference between an apricot and peach scarf.
Alas, another mystery goes unanswered.
The Good Greatsby
July 26, 2012
Did you send the invitation from the post box on your yacht? Because I’m not sure the postal service will actually come and pick up mail from a yacht.
Vanessa Chapman
July 25, 2012
I think the problem may be your shoes. The greatest fear of the yacht’s host captain is that a party guest will attempt to climb aboard with hard-soled shoes. It may be that your yachting outfit includes appropriate shoes, but you have not mentioned them here, which makes me think that you do not fully appreciate the importance of the white rubber-soled shoe. If you can assure me of your ability to conform to the shoe protocol, then you may come to my next yacht party.
The Good Greatsby
July 26, 2012
I’m glad you mentioned the importance of rubber-soled shoes because I was planning on wearing my golf shoes. I figured the spikes would help me stay sturdy if the seas grew rough.
Vanessa Chapman
July 26, 2012
Well good thing I said then or you would NEVER have received an invitation from anyone. You’re welcome.
skippingstones
July 25, 2012
I’d invite you on my yacht, too…but unfortunately, my yacht is a dingy.
She's a Maineiac
July 25, 2012
I’ve got an old canoe in my backyard with one oar, no life jackets and possibly a small hole in the center. C’mon ovah and I’ll take you fishing on Lake Sebago. We might not get very far but the case of Molson will help to deaden the panic once it starts to sink.
The Good Greatsby
July 26, 2012
But maybe a passing yacht would see the canoe taking on water and invite us aboard.
Evy
July 25, 2012
Oh course, all the best people have been yahhtingg for a while, darling. Your late to the party. Sorry dahling.
claytondiggs
July 25, 2012
Ok, so I have a friend with a yacht, but he’ll ask that you bring to the party a kilo of Bolivian grade-A Coca-Cola, as well as a couple of Bacardi Silver models with relevant shaved areas. Let’s put this together, yes?
The Good Greatsby
July 26, 2012
I’ll have to check my Rolodex for Bacardi Silver models.
little blog of happy
July 25, 2012
Ever been to sea before, Billy? (Sorry, I always have to say this when boating becomes part of the conversation.)
The answer is clear, old chap.
You need to work on your gavotting. Carly knows.
The Good Greatsby
July 26, 2012
I do admit some ignorance of the definition of gavotting, but I’m certain I’d be good at it.
thelifeofjamie
July 25, 2012
I’m not sure apricot is your color. Maybe try a chartreuse or a salmon. It might compliment your skin tone better, thus increasing your regatta-ness…
The Good Greatsby
July 26, 2012
I worry if I wear a chartreuse scarf my face will look scarlet the entire party and people will assume I’m in a constant state of envy.
on thehomefrontandbeyond
July 25, 2012
my yacht sunk – so sorry – how about a spin on my bicycle
pegoleg
July 25, 2012
I did invite you to my party, but it’s a sampan party. BYOP (bring your own pole).
The Good Greatsby
July 26, 2012
I would love to go to a sampan party. Being carried around in a sampan is a great confidence boost because I know at least I’m better than these four people.
Spectra
July 25, 2012
I have actually been yachting. I have been invited to yachting parties. The number One secret tip to finding yourself on the receiving end of a Yachting Party Invitation? You must live near Yachts. I lived near yachts. I lived next door to people who owned a yacht. Their friends owned yachts. They were yachters. I simply behaved in a very yachterly fashion, and before long, I, too, became a Yachtress. Once the Yachters see you Yachting, they will assume you have a Yacht and you, too, will assume the role of Yacht Guy.
It helps to utter mumbly complaints, between puffs on your pipe, about how your Yacht is in the Shop. Again.
pegoleg
July 25, 2012
I always thought a Yachtress was involved in the herding of large, long-haired bovine in the Himalayas. Thanks for schooling me, Spectra.
Spectra
July 25, 2012
That is ‘Yaktress’, Peg – that would be “Yak-Tress”. Uhhhm…I’ve done that too. Yeah. Sure. AND I’m pretty good at it.
Hippie Cahier
July 25, 2012
I live in a marina community. I see these people and we chat. I was invited on one outing and expected at least one apricot scarf. I was disappointed.
The Byronic Man
July 25, 2012
Don’t forget to yell “Hard to port!” any time you’re making a left turn in traffic.
We have a tandem sea kayak I like to stand at the front of while my wife rows. She keeps herself motivated with chants about being 7-months pregnant and something about “despicable bastards”. I forget the rest.
The Good Greatsby
July 26, 2012
I appreciate your explanation because I’ve been yelling “Hard to port!” my whole life without knowing the meaning.
likeablegirl
July 25, 2012
I think you should adjust your dialogue. Begin talking about laundry – and how amazing your washer & dryer are. Because my friends just bought a yacht (yes, really) – which they live on – and now their greatest concern is docking and finding a place to do laundry. Apparently the ocean does not provide fabric softener. Also, they are apparently too poor to have a yacht crew. Wait, maybe it’s a sailboat…a very big sailboat…
Also, they met other yachting people and now they regularly go visit them in Germany. So maybe all the yacht people are in Germany. Maybe you should fly to Germany, begin talking about how great your washer & dryer are, then see if you can hitch a ride back on a yacht. Ya know, instead of your thumb, waive some dryer sheets around…
The Good Greatsby
July 26, 2012
I like the way you think. Now I just need to find someone who knows how to do laundry; where do they hang out?
lazylauramaisey
July 25, 2012
You can come to my yachting party if you want. When I get one. And when I have a party on it.
Laura
July 26, 2012
I’ve been to a yachting party, I think. I’m not sure whether this was technically a yacht, but a friend borrowed his parents’ sailboat and took about 8 of sailing for a weekend. It was great. I only threw up once.
The Good Greatsby
July 26, 2012
I think that’s enough to qualify you as part of the yachting crowd. Can I use you as a reference?
omawarisan
July 26, 2012
I was going to invite you, but I realized that your yachting outfit was much nicer than mine. I couldn’t have that. Perhaps if you changed after you got the invitation…
The Good Greatsby
July 26, 2012
Send me a picture of what you’ll be wearing and I promise to wear a cheaper, slightly worn version of the exact same outfit.
Kim
July 26, 2012
I would TOTALLY invite you to my yaught party… except apparently I can’t even spell yacht correctly, the first time through… and, ummmm… I don’t actually have a yaught. Crap! Yacht! Truth be told, I don’t even have a regular boat… not even a smallish one. I DO have a swimming pool though… you’d have to bring some water though since the pool is kind of empty and stuff…. YACHT!!!!! Yes!
thesinglecell
July 26, 2012
Well, you’ve gotten the outfit wrong. That must be it. That outfit is more apropos for a three-hour tour on a charter boat called the S.S. Minnow. You need to go more toward linen, cashmere and silk… and boats named for bigger fish.
But I’ve always thought Carly should get big props for using the words “strategically” and “gavotte” in a song.
The Good Greatsby
July 26, 2012
I wouldn’t mind if the yacht party were only a three-hour tour because that’s about how long it would take for me to exhaust all my humorous anecdotes.
Michelle Gillies
July 26, 2012
I don’t have a yacht. However, I have friends with yachts and will show them this post and recommend you be included on their next guest list. One thing though…the shoes. I recommend Sperrys.
The Good Greatsby
July 26, 2012
Noted. The search for Sperrys begins today.
Jackie Cangro
July 26, 2012
Even though most people don’t even have cars in NYC there is a yacht club. We can lurk around and see if someone will invite us to a regatta. Your nautical conversation will come in handy.
cooper
July 26, 2012
i don’t know. Seems if you find a couple bearded guys, dress exactly alike and hang out on the docks, you’d be in the water in no time…
Thomas Stazyk
July 26, 2012
It could be because you look like a U boat captain in search of Das Boot.
gingerfightback
July 26, 2012
Ahoy!
bluebee
July 26, 2012
Surely it wasn’t “gavotte”? I think that song’s produced more Mondegreens than most…
Perhaps that’s your problem – gavotting’s not very cool for a yachting man
kilolson
July 27, 2012
Mr. Greatsby, you are clearly the type of person who should be invited to a yacht party. I believe your problem may be one of location. Try an extended “business trip” to Hainan and you may have better luck. A good time for this is middle to late March for the yacht show where multi-millionaire/billionaire yacht owners throw extraordinarily lavish parties in an attempt to out-do their mooring neighbors. Any party including yourself would help in their pursuit.
kilolson
July 27, 2012
Also, make sure you maintain your facial hair. On occasion I have known you to be clean shaven, which is suitable to many endeavors not including yacht parties.
lazylauramaisey
July 29, 2012
Hi. I can’t get enough of your blog… Therefore I have nominated you for the One Lovely Blog Award. You cna pretend it’s a yacht, rather than an award if you want…?
Elyse
July 29, 2012
Perhaps you would settle for my ancestral mansion with its wading pool?
yellowcat
July 29, 2012
I know just how you feel. Sometimes when I’m out with my friends I look at them and think, “I can’t believe these people are my friends.” I would love to have better friends.
Dana
August 2, 2012
My husband was invited on a yacht once, not just for a party, but for an honest to god race! Unfortunately, it was a highly overrated experience that mostly involved nasty old dudes drinking and trying to sail at the same time. Luckily, nobody crashed, was injured and/or died during the ordeal. The gold Simon Le Bon suit my husband wore to the occasion, though: wasted! 😉
HoaiPhai
August 5, 2012
Just how does one craft apricots into a tie? Do you thread a string through them? How do you seal up the holes the string threading process creates so the apricot juice doesn’t get all over your shirt? Just wondering.
Val
August 7, 2012
Would a yoghurt party do, instead? Or even a yurt party? Or a Yul Brynner party (or maybe not!)
beachesandpeaches
August 7, 2012
walking into starbucks, lol! anyway I have a mate (get it – shipmate!) who is a yacht BROKER. you could get him drunken-sailor and get him to take you onto one of the yachts, ha. port of embarkation: italy!