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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All Posts published on »August, 2011«
Dear Good Greatsby: How Do I Convince Someone to Give Me a House?
Today is my birthday and my mom has agreed to be a guest panelist and refrain from trying to make me feel guilty as her gift to me. The first question comes from Jim Chaney at The Wordslinger. Please check out his blog and click on all his links. You might start with his hilarious post My […]
Dreams that Won’t Come True After 33
August 30, 2011
Tomorrow I celebrate my 33rd birthday by boarding a plane back to Shanghai. I feel a bit cheated that I’ll be traveling east and the change in time zones will cut significant time from my birthday. If my calculations are correct, my birthday will only last 19 hours. Where will these 5 hours go? Somebody owes […]
The Immaculate High Five
August 29, 2011
The slap of our hands cut through the air and reverberated off the walls. Each of us stared at our hands, frozen in the air, both unsure of what we had just experienced. We spoke in unison, “What just happened?” July 28, 2011 started like any other day. I got out of bed and put my pants on […]
Chinglish NO SMIWWING
August 28, 2011
My friend Andrew took this picture: At first he laughed at the sign because who needs to be warned, “NO SMIWWING”? I think we’re all born with the intrinsic knowledge that smiwwing is not acceptable. But the more he thought about the wanring, the more he felt compelled by the rebellious, overpowering urge to smiw. Optimist Prime took […]
Saturday Surprise
August 27, 2011
While here in Edinburgh, friends have asked if I miss my kids, and I answer, “Who? Oh, right, I have kids.” Actually I do sometimes miss them, like last week when I dropped a coin into a sewer drain and could have utilized their tiny hands and arms to retrieve it, but mostly I miss the funny things they […]
Friday Love Letters: Dear Nigella
August 26, 2011
Dear Nigella, I have no interest in cooking, but still I watch your cooking show. Actually, I didn’t even know it was a cooking show until the fourth episode when my wife returned home early and asked what I was watching. I jumped out of my chair and answered, “Honey, I know what this looks like. […]
Shrimp on a Treadmill
August 25, 2011
A new partisan report on wasteful government spending knocked money allocated to science by highlighting $500,000 awarded to a study involving shrimp running on treadmills. The director of the study defended the study by saying the shrimp on a treadmill was only one small part of the study and that portion only cost $1000. Read the story […]
Dear Good Greatsby: How Do I Convince My Sister to Do Me More Favors?
August 24, 2011
Today’s guest panelist will be my best friend, Todd, who finds himself with a bit of time on his hands since I accidentally got him fired from his last three jobs. The first question comes from The Average Person at the blog theaveragelives.wordpress.com. Dear Good Greatsby, Recently I’m becoming increasingly worried due to my sister seemingly […]
Signs of Your Impending Layoff
August 23, 2011
I read an article listing signs you’re about to be fired. These signs included loss of responsibility, not being kept informed, and increased supervision. The article only listed ten signs, and maybe the writer didn’t have the space to offer a comprehensive list, but I feel the following bad signs should have also been included: […]
Welcome to Paulsville
August 22, 2011
I recently read about a town in South Dakota being sold for $800k. The town of Scenic has a population of ten and your $800k buys you a dance hall, a saloon, two jails, a train depot, two stores, and some empty buildings, although it’s not clear if the price tag includes the legal ownership of those ten […]
Chinglish Freewheeling
August 21, 2011
My friend took this picture in Shanghai at a children’s ball pit: I assume this message is either a warning not to throw the balls or is alluding to the seminal Bob Dylan album, Freewheelin’. I searched all the song lyrics on the album but couldn’t find any reference to “pompons”. I wonder if the “Please don’t […]
Saturday Potluck
August 20, 2011
How much does my wife miss me while I’m away in Edinburgh? This week we were talking on the phone and I asked, “Do you miss me?” and she didn’t answer because she had fallen asleep–a response I could only interpret as measuring very low on the missing scale. The only time I can call […]
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