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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All posts tagged under »humor«
Hey, Where’s that Fifty Bucks You Owe Me?
About once a month I set a date to go over my finances. This usually involves analysis of four categories: 1. Bills to pay 2. Savings and investments 3. How the kids could make me money, possibly through street busking or pick-pocketry 4. How to trick or guilt people into giving me money The kids […]
More Indifferent State Tourism Slogans: Now 50% More Slogany
July 4, 2011
Happy birthday, America! I got you a card but I wasn’t sure where to send it. Allow me to apologize for sullying your reputation by trying to settle all arguments both home and abroad with a chant of “USA! USA! USA!” Now for a selection of even indifferenter, fat-freer, low calorierer, state tourism slogans: Alabama: […]
Sunday Brunch
July 3, 2011
Yesterday my seven-year-old, The Fonz, told my wife, “Parenting must be hard, especially when you have kids.” I would have answered, “Actually, parenting without having kids is even harder.” ….. Christine Lagarde was selected this week as International Monetary Fund Managing Director. I never received a response to my job inquiry email to the IMF. […]
The Most Positive Child in the World
July 2, 2011
Happy birthday to my son, Optimist Prime, who turns ten tomorrow! I don’t mention Optimist Prime as often as my seven-year-old, The Fonz, because The Fonz is more likely to get in trouble and say something funny when he gets caught. Optimist Prime is more likely to go to bed on time without being asked, […]
Indifferent State Tourism Slogans
July 1, 2011
Arizona: 47 days without a killer bee attack. Connecticut: ‘Connect’ing Rhode Island and New York since 1788. Delaware: Experts in giving directions to Maryland, Pennsylvania, or New Jersey. Kansas: You’ve got to stop for gas somewhere–why not stop in Kansas? Kentucky: Now accessible by car. Louisiana: Anyone named Louis or Ana eats free. Maine: Once […]
Bet Your Bottom Sacajawea You Don’t Have a $1 Coin in Your Pocket
June 30, 2011
As a kid I enjoyed collecting coins until I learned I could lose those collected coins through a hole in my pocket. I also learned I could lose an older brother’s coin collection through a hole in my pocket. I also learned I could place the last remaining coin in my little brother’s pocket and […]
Flip a Coin–Preferably a $1 Coin
June 29, 2011
Over the years the US Federal Reserve has made numerous efforts to convince Americans to use a $1 coin instead of the $1 bill. The latest effort–the presidential $1 coin series–has resulted in over $1 billion dollars of coins nobody wants as the law calls for their production and a new president to be honored […]
TSA Doesn’t Negotiate with Terrorists, or Grandmas
June 28, 2011
On Sunday, a Florida woman complained when TSA airport agents patted down her 95-year-old mother and insisted she remove her adult diaper. The story spread quickly through social media as an example of overreaching government officials wasting resources scrutinizing a harmless elderly woman while the most likely elderly threats like Larry King continue to roam […]
All in Due Time
June 27, 2011
When my wife turned thirty-one, my youngest son told her, “Hey Mom, only twenty-nine years until you’re sixty!” I’m sure sixty seems pretty far away to my son, but kids have no idea time will pass faster and faster as they get older. When I was a kid, I didn’t pay much attention to calendars […]
Sunday Souffle
June 26, 2011
Sometimes I watch my sons while they play outside, and I’m always interested in the new games they invent. This morning I watched my 7-year-old son, The Fonz, spend almost two hours racing against a rock. He would count down 3, 2, 1, then flick a rock across the pavement and sprint to overtake it. […]
Very Fast, Moderately Furious
June 25, 2011
Great news for fans of bad acting and bad movies: Universal Pictures has announced plans for a sixth Fast and Furious movie. The announcement was short on plot details because the computer that writes the Fast and Furious screenplays was on vacation this week. When the computer returns, the studio will input the following and […]
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