If Only The Fonz Studied Chinese as Much as He Studied Comedy

Posted on May 16, 2012


The Fonz is a student of comedy. His mom and I have literally told him over 500 times to clear his plate when he leaves the table and he never seems to hear, but when I give him advice on timing, presentation, or reading the room, his eyes focus, his head nods, and I can tell he’s really listening.

He’s really started to turn the corner with his comedy and can now match the level of deadpan, straight-faced, absurdist comedy I was doing at twelve.

I walk the boys to the bus in the morning and on Monday The Fonz came out first and we ended up waiting for Optimist Prime for a couple minutes. I finally asked:

“What’s your brother doing in there?”
He sighed and with a straight face suggested, “Probably picking his nose. Nobody around to see him.”

On Sunday he walked up to his mom and said:

“Mom, I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?”
“The good news.”
“The good news is the bad news isn’t that bad.”
“What’s the bad news?”
“The bad news is the good news isn’t that good.”
“Give me the bad news.”
“The bad news is there isn’t any good news.”
“If there’s no good news, what’s the bad news?”
“We’re out of salt.”

Last Friday he walked into our living room where Mrs. Greatsby was entertaining two friends and asked:

“Mom, at what age did you first molt? When I can expect to shed this layer of skin?”

Today I attended a poetry reading by The Fonz’s class and he read his Cause and Effect poem I shared a few weeks ago. I wanted to share another poem he recently wrote:

The Bad Scale

This scales annoying.
This scales bad.
All the other scales are rad.
I don’t like this scale.
He says I’m fatter than a whale.
The scale is so dumb.
He says I have the fattest bum.
He says I’m so fat he can’t use pounds.
Instead, he says I weigh 50 million mounds.
At the carnival, it only cost 1 token.
No wonder it’s broken.

On Monday I told him we only had a second kid because we took a look at Optimist Prime’s old clothes he had outgrown and said:

“What are we going to do with these? It would be a waste to throw them away. I guess we’ll have to have another kid.”
He answered, “You mean you didn’t have me because you wanted this handsome, charming face.”

We didn’t have him for his handsome, charming face, but we’re happy to have him for his comedy talents which we’re certain will make him just as much money as they’ve made me.

Posted in: Family