The Fonz is a student of comedy. His mom and I have literally told him over 500 times to clear his plate when he leaves the table and he never seems to hear, but when I give him advice on timing, presentation, or reading the room, his eyes focus, his head nods, and I can tell he’s really listening.
He’s really started to turn the corner with his comedy and can now match the level of deadpan, straight-faced, absurdist comedy I was doing at twelve.
I walk the boys to the bus in the morning and on Monday The Fonz came out first and we ended up waiting for Optimist Prime for a couple minutes. I finally asked:
“What’s your brother doing in there?”
He sighed and with a straight face suggested, “Probably picking his nose. Nobody around to see him.”
On Sunday he walked up to his mom and said:
“Mom, I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?”
“The good news.”
“The good news is the bad news isn’t that bad.”
“What’s the bad news?”
“The bad news is the good news isn’t that good.”
“Give me the bad news.”
“The bad news is there isn’t any good news.”
“If there’s no good news, what’s the bad news?”
“We’re out of salt.”
Last Friday he walked into our living room where Mrs. Greatsby was entertaining two friends and asked:
“Mom, at what age did you first molt? When I can expect to shed this layer of skin?”
Today I attended a poetry reading by The Fonz’s class and he read his Cause and Effect poem I shared a few weeks ago. I wanted to share another poem he recently wrote:
The Bad Scale
This scales annoying.
This scales bad.
All the other scales are rad.
I don’t like this scale.
He says I’m fatter than a whale.
The scale is so dumb.
He says I have the fattest bum.
He says I’m so fat he can’t use pounds.
Instead, he says I weigh 50 million mounds.
At the carnival, it only cost 1 token.
No wonder it’s broken.
On Monday I told him we only had a second kid because we took a look at Optimist Prime’s old clothes he had outgrown and said:
“What are we going to do with these? It would be a waste to throw them away. I guess we’ll have to have another kid.”
He answered, “You mean you didn’t have me because you wanted this handsome, charming face.”
We didn’t have him for his handsome, charming face, but we’re happy to have him for his comedy talents which we’re certain will make him just as much money as they’ve made me.
The Good Greatsby 
thoughtsappear
May 16, 2012
I can’t believe you’re out of salt. Worst news ever.
I think Optimus Prime should upgrade to some steampunk goggles.
nursemyra
May 17, 2012
What kind if father allows his household to run out of salt?
The Good Greatsby
May 17, 2012
Steampunk might be just the look for him. We actually have been discussing which style we’ll choose for him to help him express his individuality.
thelifeofjamie
May 16, 2012
He sounds like a fun kid…and perhaps a little too smart
The Good Greatsby
May 17, 2012
Being a little too smart should serve him well as an adult but I worry it will get him into trouble as a kid.
little blog of happy
May 16, 2012
As a parent, I think some of the best advice I’ve heard was, “Help your child go with their strengths”. If your kid sucks at math, but is really good at tennis, don’t get them a math tutor, get them a really good tennis coach. Makes sense to me, but as parents we seem to think our kids have to do everything really well, even if we don’t. Stick with the comedy, kid. Jim Carey’s paycheque probably isn’t too hard to take. Knock, knock……
The Good Greatsby
May 17, 2012
I’m willing to serve as his comedy tutor but I’m not sure about his ability to pay.
Tor Constantino, MBA (@torcon)
May 16, 2012
Interesting conundrum. Have you considered integrating a comedy curriculum into your meal plans? For example, set up a killer joke but withhold the punchline until the Fonz finishes his dim sum. I’m trying to light a candle, rather than curse the darkness…
The Good Greatsby
May 17, 2012
Years ago when it was more difficult to get The Fonz to eat, we did try telling humorous stories and revealing bit by bit for every bite he took.
susielindau
May 16, 2012
The Fonz is a natural! You must be proud especially when he throws out those one-liners to your guests!
The Good Greatsby
May 17, 2012
Makes me proud but also makes it hard for me to get a word in myself.
Kathryn McCullough
May 16, 2012
Gotta love a kid who recognizes the importance of salt.
The Good Greatsby
May 17, 2012
I think he was cooking at the time so the absence of salt was especially poignant.
mimijk
May 17, 2012
I think I have the same scale
The Good Greatsby
May 17, 2012
Me too. I need a scale that can be bullied or guilted into submission.
monicastangledweb
May 17, 2012
The Fonz sounds like he’s the salt of the earth.
Let him know that a sense of humor trumps good looks any day, though anyone who has both, is very lucky, indeed. With his outfits and goggles, I’d say he’s well on his way!
She's a Maineiac
May 17, 2012
The good news/bad news/salt thing had me busting a gut! Oh, that boy is well on his way to having a hysterical blog with a banner at the top with a picture of him wearing his goggles and pointing: The Little Greatsby or The Good Fonzarelli.
The Good Greatsby
May 17, 2012
I don’t want to compete with him. He’s already a formidable foosball adversary.
mistyslaws
May 17, 2012
The answer is 14. As to the molting question. Please pass this information onto your son.
I now feel A-salt-ed by so much good comedy. I may have to file suit for greivious bodily injury via jokes.
The Good Greatsby
May 17, 2012
He’ll be happy to know he won’t molt for a while. Parents are never sure at what age they need to have the molting conversation with their kids.
Rachael Black
May 17, 2012
Obviously The Fonz is a Force of Nature. As a resident of the Islands you’re clearly aware that such acts of god/ess cannot be stopped.
Suggestion: Make sure that your insurance contains a Force majeure clause. Oh, and good luck dad 😉
The Good Greatsby
May 17, 2012
I’ll have to check with our insurance carrier but I’m not sure what they’ll cover once they actually meet The Fonz.
Michelle Gillies
May 17, 2012
You should rent The Fonz out for people who have the occasional need of a precocious child. He definitely cracks me up.
The Good Greatsby
May 17, 2012
I never actually considered people might pay to take him off our hands for a few hours.
Michelle Gillies
May 17, 2012
I use to rent kids just so I wouldn’t look like an idiot at the theatre because I wanted to see “Yogi Bear” or “Shrek” or “Happy Feet” …(this is a long list). Yours is adorable, he could bring it in. Ok, that just sounded like some sleazy escort service. Hmmm, I guess in a way it is, not sleazy though. Imagine all the “not grandparents” out there that can’t stand when their pals trounce out their adorable little grand tykes. Just saying … there may be a business plan here.
Soma Mukherjee
May 17, 2012
Oh I love the kid he sure does know how to deliver news….specially as traumatic as out of salt one…
He is a funny kid and that poem is one brilliant one…
spilledinkguy
May 17, 2012
Hahaha… I can see where the Fonz gets his wonderful sense of humor.
But…
NO SALT?! Is this really a laughing matter?! OH! THE HUMANITY!
HoaiPhai
May 18, 2012
Maybe if you would break out in laughter every time you and The Fonz were around people speaking Chinese he would be as interested in it as he is in comedy. Time for you to stop trying to be his friend and act like a responsible parent!
Audrey
May 18, 2012
The Fonz rocks!
Dana
May 21, 2012
I think I weigh 50 million mounds, too. Maybe it’s because I’ve never let my house go without salt.
Bridgesburning Chris King
May 21, 2012
Priceless! You won’t mind too much if he outshines you as long as he supports you in your old age!
Nidhi Shrivastava
June 18, 2012
Smart kid I must say..