The boys had their parent teacher conferences last week and my wife attended both conferences without me because she’s a librarian at the boys’ school and worries I might embarrass her by asking inappropriate questions.
Whenever someone asks if I have any questions, whether it’s a doctor, a teacher, or the police, I fight the urge to blurt out something bizarre. The following questions would race through my head as soon as the teacher asked me, “Do you have any questions?”
What grade is my kid in?
I’ve heard so many great things about you. Not from the kids, but from the dads. What are you doing after this?
Is that how you spell my son’s name? I guess I’ve never seen it written before.
Who are you to judge my kid’s understanding of the three Rs, reading, writing, and arithmetic when two out of those three don’t even start with R?
Where can we buy that paste he likes to eat?
You know that kid who’s been bullying my son? Do you know if he has any weaknesses, like a peanut allergy?
I’m a little troubled by this seating chart. How come my son isn’t sitting next to any of the children of rich fathers? Those friendships are going to be a bigger part of his future career success than anything he learns in class.
Maybe he doesn’t read on a 5th grade level but he knows how to party on a 7th grade level, if you know what I mean? High-five! Come on, get me up top! Don’t leave me hangin’. Alright, fine, we’ll work on his reading.
Why do I need to learn this? When am I ever going to need to know about my kid in the real world?
The Good Greatsby 
mimijk
April 4, 2012
I am truly laughing out loud and remembering some of the less-than-appropriate questions that crossed my mind during those conferences. Including – “is it true that you just don’t like little boys because they have a harder time with impulse control in the 3rd grade?”)
The Good Greatsby
April 4, 2012
I can’t help but get distracted trying to come up with a joke when someone is telling me something negative about my kids.
Scott Sterling
April 4, 2012
True story: I was in a conference with a boy and his mother. When we reported that the reason his grades were slipping was because he was paying more attention to the girls in class than the material, her response was to slap him and yell “Why you worried about these girls?!? You know I’m the only girlfriend you’re allowed to have!” Best conference ever.
The Good Greatsby
April 4, 2012
Ha! She doesn’t have to worry about any of those girls taking her son away once they hear her say stuff like that.
thelifeofjamie
April 4, 2012
Being a teacher and knowing how boring those conferences are, some of those questions would be welcomed in my classroom!!!
The Good Greatsby
April 4, 2012
I told my wife I figured teachers would appreciate my giving them a great story. She didn’t agree.
pegoleg
April 4, 2012
I used to love those conferences. Once in high school we went in all all proud and ready to be on the receiving end of some compliments because, you know, my kids are smart, and the English teacher said “I had heard that Gwen was really smart, so I’ve got to admit to being a little disappointed…” Those trailing off ellipses were like little daggers piercing my bleeding heart.
But it was no big thing, right? It’s not like I lived for basking in the reflected glory of my kids. Of course not!
The Good Greatsby
April 4, 2012
That’s hilarious. I’m going to add that to my list of paraprosdokian compliments.
pegoleg
April 4, 2012
Note to Gwen: start sprinkling all conversations in English class with the word “paraprosdokian”. That’s SURE to garner some more reflected compliments for me.
susielindau
April 4, 2012
I love this list! Asking about the bully’s weaknesses is priceless. Why didn’t I think of that when my kids were in high school? It would be kind of strange to meet with their college professors don’t you think?
The Good Greatsby
April 5, 2012
If my kids won’t allow me to meet with their professors, how can they expect me to pay for college?
susielindau
April 5, 2012
I know. Right? Hahaha!
bigsheepcommunications
April 4, 2012
Your wife is only protecting your kids – they’ve got to face that teacher every day!
The Good Greatsby
April 5, 2012
She’s very wise in her ability to keep me from embarrassing her or the kids.
stephanie fitzpatrick
April 4, 2012
I love me some good old fashioned lessons
zannyro
April 4, 2012
O.K., We have twins and while in my daughter’s “back to school night” talk,,I could hear uproarious laughter from the first grade room that my son attended..one large room was divided by a folding “accordion” door. Afterward, my husband came out of my son’s classroom and told me that the laughter was caused by a re-telling, by the teacher!, of my son’s response to what had happened over his summer…his answer? My mom had a tummy-tuck. I got some seriously embarrassing looks from the other parents as I ran for the door.
The Good Greatsby
April 4, 2012
We definitely reveal too much information in front of our oldest son and worry it could come back to get us since we’re friends with all his teachers.
zannyro
April 5, 2012
Oh have no fear…it will come back to haunt you…My son also told his teacher that I gave him poison…I put a small drop of dish soap on his tongue for swearing….sigh.
prttynpnk
April 4, 2012
We don’t have kids, but last week I had to stop the husband from asking the dog training instructor why she didn’t use our dachshund as the demo more- he was obviously smarter and better looking than the other dogs…..
The Good Greatsby
April 5, 2012
All child-rearing advice is 100% applicable to dogs.
prttynpnk
April 5, 2012
Stop humping your Sister!
My Crushed Soul
April 4, 2012
Haha. It almost makes me look forward to parent teacher conferences. The problem is that I have no social skills, so I’m sure I’ll end up saying something that will red flag my kid right into extra guidance counseling.
The Good Greatsby
April 5, 2012
We joke around a lot with the kids and also worry we may accidentally say something that our kids will repeat and give their teachers cause to put them in guidance counseling.
Jim Chapman
April 4, 2012
Man, am I now looking forward to the Parents’ Evenings! My daughter is only two so have some way to go.
I would never have thought of some of those answers. Genius.
Carol R Craley
April 4, 2012
As a teacher and school administrator, I had a mental list of “Answers you can’t offer during a Parent-Teacher conference. You reminded me of Robert Fulghum’s story about being a young man with the same inclination you discussed… at a conference with a national “expert” the speaker asked, “Any questions?” Fulghum raised his hand and when recognized, asked, “What is the meaning of life?”
shanson3871
April 4, 2012
Oh my gosh.. being the mom of a “challenged” child.. I am cracking up!!! You would be amazed at how many parent/teacher conferences I’ve been to where my mind is going like yours..LOL.. Thanks for the laugh today.
worrywarts-guide-to-weight-sex-and-marriage
April 4, 2012
Good call on your wife’s part.
savesprinkles1234
April 4, 2012
Thanks for the wonderful laugh! Your wife is a very smart woman! I think you should do a post next on things that teachers should never say during a PT conference. 🙂
Tor Constantino, MBA
April 5, 2012
These are good learnings thanks G2! Quick question, would you have asked the questions in Chinglish? If so, your wife might have opted to have you join her given your deft navigation of the native tongue (um…I guess that reads a bit dirtier than intended on second look).
Elyse
April 5, 2012
If, during our first parent-teacher meeting, our son’s teacher did not give a glowing report, we got her back by consuming copious amounts of garlic for subsequent meetings.
She's a Maineiac
April 5, 2012
I do the same thing at every parent-teacher conference over the years–I nod. I just sit there and say, “Aha.” and “I see…” then I either look concerned or smug depending on how well my child is doing.
My son’s earlier conferences in his preK days were always about his horrible social behavior (couldn’t sit in circle, liked to stand up and breakdance during the Pledge of Allegiance, etc.) I did a lot of nodding and concerned looks back then. I just had his third grade conference last week and he’s excelling in most everything (and no more pledge break dancing) so I can finally bust out my smug look. But I still never say anything much, just nod. Teachers love that.
Fraha
April 5, 2012
Lol I had to reply about the circle time. My son had two notes sent home because he was tackling the other kids on the circle time mat.. LOL how do you not laugh about that.
She's a Maineiac
April 5, 2012
I know. Circle-sitting is such a crucial skill to have in life. I worked in special ed at an elementary school, so having a conference surrounding the issue that my son couldn’t sit criss-cross applesauce just didn’t concern me as much as the teacher thought it should.
The Good Greatsby
April 5, 2012
What kind of kid can’t sit in a circle? You must have been mortified by his terrible behavior.
gerknoop
April 5, 2012
My sons conferences were last week too. Gotta love the school conference! Thought I was all done with them….then….the speed bump (my now nine year old) and here we go again! I’m just tired! lol
Tori Nelson
April 5, 2012
“Where can we buy that paste he likes to eat?”… My mom told me to tell you they have a killer sale on glue sticks at the dollar mart right now. I’ve always wondered what was wrong with me. Totally starting to get it.
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 5, 2012
I was a special ed teacher a million years ago, in an economically depressed part of Indiana. We had to make in home visits, because few of the parents would ever show up at school. At one house, I was far too distracted by the fleas that were crawling all over me and trying really hard not to do a St Vitus dance in respone, to focus on the conversation.
gojulesgo
April 5, 2012
Ha! My husband would love for you to be one of the parents that comes in for a conference. He needs a translator and then gets questions, wait, no, statements like: “It’s your fault my 8-year-old poops his pants every day in school.” (True story. Just happened.)
The Good Greatsby
April 5, 2012
I didn’t know we were allowed to blame other people for our children pooping in their pants. Good to know.
Hippie Cahier
April 5, 2012
You’d have really had her on that 3 R’s thing.
becomingcliche
April 5, 2012
I’m bothered. Why am I not allowed to ask these questions? Because maybe I already did.
A Gripping Life
April 5, 2012
LOL!!! The best part of the parent teacher conference is sitting in those little weenie chairs. How can anyone have an adult conversation in those?
The Good Greatsby
April 5, 2012
You immediately feel like you’re the one in trouble when you have to sit in those tiny chairs.
Derek Osedach
April 5, 2012
Haha. Great stuff!
Kathryn McCullough
April 5, 2012
I read the title of this post in my email and said to myself, “God, this is going to be a good one.” And, as usual, you did not disappoint!
Fred Mim
April 5, 2012
Very funny post.The part about the seating chart is, sadly, 100% accurate. Toss out the geometry and give kids classes in socializing with rich kids.
By the way, in addition to the parent-teacher conference, I think it only fair that there be a parent-student conference in which the parent and his or her child sit there and talk about where the teacher could use improvement as the teacher looks on.
Fraha
April 5, 2012
Do you know if his bully has a peanut allergy.. LOL these were hilarious
The Good Greatsby
April 5, 2012
My son was wondering what snack he should bring and share.
Brown Road Chronicles
April 5, 2012
Hilarious! My daughter had a beautiful kindergarten teacher. Had the whole librarian look going on. I havent recovered since
The Good Greatsby
April 5, 2012
All you have to do to make sure your wife never asks you to go again is to let her know how attractive you find the teacher.
philosophermouseofthehedge
April 5, 2012
Outstanding. You know what’s important! Go dad…..oh, they are asking you to leave? No go! – the bully comments were the best approach I’ve heard in a long time!
bearmancartoons
April 5, 2012
Only question my dad ever asked was “do you have anything the boy can do for extra credit” As if I needed it. Well I did.
HoaiPhai
April 5, 2012
I always used to show up in a clown outfit at those meetings, just to break the ice. When the teacher would ask if I just got off work, I’d say “No, why do you ask?”. Let me tell you, that put the advantage right back in my hands! I mean, who are teachers to complain about my kid… they’re working for us!
The Good Greatsby
April 5, 2012
The nerve of those teachers to act like you could only be a clown for work and not just a clown in your free time.
Roly
April 5, 2012
LOL The expression on the teacher’s face and the wife’s cringe would be something to see 🙂
jacquetj
April 5, 2012
“Is there going to be a test on this kid later? Should I be taking notes?”
“Who is the smartest kid in the class? How amenable would you be to moving my kid’s seat next to that kid? How carefully do you watch for cheating?”
“How often do you do fire drills? Lockdown drills? Zombie drills? What other monster apocalypse scenarios do you practice for?”
“You know, some of the greatest geniuses of all time failed out of grade school, yet my son’s grades appear pretty average, even exceptional. Does this mean that his best chance of success is learning to flip burgers? Be honest. I can take it.”
The Good Greatsby
April 5, 2012
It’s true that most of the inspirational characters in history seem to have either been great students or terrible students; I don’t remember many success stories coming from people stuck in the middle.
spilledinkguy
April 5, 2012
I don’t have children, but I imagine prying dried-out gum off a desk and briefly asking, ‘May I?’ before popping it into your mouth might also be frowned upon…
The Good Greatsby
April 5, 2012
I wouldn’t start with eating gum from under a desk, but that’s probably okay on the way out.
yellowcat
April 6, 2012
I think inquiring about the paste is a valid question. I’ve found that while eating paste is an anticipated part of my day, not all paste tastes the same.
flippingchannels
April 7, 2012
Well, I hope some of this applies to cats too, because that’s what I have. I’m just going to write off any and all advice pertaining to obedience though…
Homeward Bound and Messing Around
April 13, 2012
I don’t have kids, but if I did, I have no doubt these questions would be crossing my mind.
missreadingxx
April 13, 2012
My mom once got in trouble at an Open House (like parent/teacher conferences, but less one-on-one. It’s more an opportunity for your teachers to introduce themselves and their curricula to the parents). She was passing notes to another parent who she hadn’t seen in a while. I remember being thoroughly pleased she got in trouble for something I did, too! And the worst part is… she’s a teacher, too, and really should have known better!