Dear Moon,
This is the last straw. I’ve long looked upon you with suspicion, Moon. My wife could never understand why I considered you an enemy, no matter how many times I told her, “The moon may seem bright and shiny, but there’s also a dark side of the moon.”
I recently read an article suggesting a supermoon may have contributed to the Titanic’s sinking by sending an unusual amount of icebergs into the Titanic’s path. If this is true, I can hold my tongue no longer and will add the sinking of the Titanic to my long list of grievances:
I’m sick and tired of you pushing the ocean around. Maybe it makes you feel like a big deal to control the ocean’s movements, but in the end, isn’t it just the sandcastles that get hurt?
You sold out by allowing New Moon and Eclipse to be used as titles in the Twilight series.
You emboldened the baring of buttocks, even though you knew the type of people who would expose their buttocks were rarely the buttocks anyone would want to see.
Nobody likes a fence sitter and I’m sick and tired of your continual waxing and waning. Grow a spine and pick a look already.
Tell us more about this dark side of the moon. What are you hiding over there? Seems suspcicious.
You collaborated with Paul McCartney on quite possibly the worst song in history, Wonderful Christmas Time:
The moon is right
The spirit’s up
We’re here tonight
And that’s enough
How do you expect anyone to write a song about anything important when you rhyme with so much and toxoplasmosis rhymes with so little?
You callously provided the lighting for two of the beatings the Cobra Kai gave Daniel in The Karate Kid. Without your lighting it’s unlikely the beatings would have happened–doesn’t this make you an accomplice to bullying?
I still blame you for the demise of the TV show Moonlighting by allowing Maddie and David to consummate their relationship and ruin all the show’s sexual tension.
Does your involvement in the creation of moonshine contribute to alcoholism?
When are you going to set the record straight about the moon being made of cheese? Similar to the story of Santa Claus, I worry kids will learn the truth and grow up to not believe in cheese. Cheese is too delicious to allow any uncertainty regarding its existence.
The Good Greatsby 
Nancy Francis
March 8, 2012
Sudden impulse to moon the good people of Sydney
The Good Greatsby
March 8, 2012
That’s exactly what the moon would want you to do.
bigsheepcommunications
March 8, 2012
Karma will soon land on the moon in the form of a Newt colony and that’s punishment enough for anyone, isn’t it?
The Good Greatsby
March 8, 2012
Maybe Newt had it right all along.
joehoover
March 8, 2012
I love the blame on bullying falling at the moons feet! (feet? You know what I mean)
Maybe it’s time to nuke this sonofabitch
The Good Greatsby
March 8, 2012
We can’t sit and wait for the moon to attack–we must strike first!
joehoover
March 9, 2012
I think you’ve gathered anough evidence to convince the public this is the only way, I mean what if the moon decides to cancel all light eminating from it at night, causing all manner of accidents here on Earth. We can’t be held to ransom, even if that fails just tell the public the moon has weapons of mass destruction
the master
March 8, 2012
You are not alone, Good. There are a growing number of us who view that silvery nighttime voyeur with suspicion.
On the plus side, there is a possibility that the moon was destroyed in 2009 and what we see now is just a hologram. Admittedly, most people that support that view are recaptured very quickly. And even if it were true, can one objectively tell the difference between a hologram and a ghost?
The Good Greatsby
March 8, 2012
I’m glad to hear there are other like-minded individuals ready to stand up to our lunar bully.
Michael
March 8, 2012
I think it’s not without consequence that, in Independence Day, the first thing the aliens encounter is the moon. Immediately after that they start blasting the Earth with their death rays. Concidence? I think NOT.
ifiwerebraveblog
March 8, 2012
“How do you expect anyone to write a song about anything important when you rhyme with so much and toxoplasmosis rhymes with so little?” OMG. Hilarious.
The Good Greatsby
March 8, 2012
Toxoplasmosis is an important issue with the bad fortune of a name that doesn’t rhyme with anything.
Ian
March 9, 2012
It does rhyme with …expialidocious. And hilarious, but that probably just means the moon is laughing at us…
Jackie Cangro
March 8, 2012
Also the moon allowed itself to be branded by Jackie Gleason for The Honeymooners opening sequence. I hope the moon got a nice kickback for product placement.
Nice marketing ploy, Moon.
Kathryn McCullough
March 8, 2012
How damn funny. The moon–the ultimate flip-flopper!
The Good Greatsby
March 8, 2012
I worry about entrusting so much power with anything so fickle.
She's a Maineiac
March 8, 2012
Yes! I finally know what ruined Moonlighting! God, do I hate the moon now.
And you are right, that Paul McCartney song is The Absolute Worst and now I have it in my head on an endless loop.
The Good Greatsby
March 8, 2012
I could go on and on with my conspiracy theories on how a member of the Beatles could have written Wonderful Christmas Time but I don’t have the space.
joehoover
March 9, 2012
I’m going to shake an angry fist at the moon next time I see it.
Sidney
March 8, 2012
Dear Full Moon, you give all of my friends and I insomnia. Not cool.
Quite being so full of yourself, please.
thoughtsappear
March 8, 2012
I think the only reason astronauts haven’t confirmed that the moon is made of cheese is because there would be a rush on moon cheese. A stampede almost. A Great Panic.
becomingcliche
March 8, 2012
I’m at home mooning about. I, too, blame that silly satellite with it’s lack of gravity and trees.
thelifeofjamie
March 8, 2012
This may be your best yet. I applaud you with a full moon! You did forget one very important moonar phase…Denny’s Moons Over My Hammie.
Hippie Cahier
March 8, 2012
If I were the type to howl, I would have done so at this post.
gojulesgo
March 8, 2012
It’s such a relief to meet someone who isn’t constantly mooning over the moon.
susielindau
March 8, 2012
Hahaha! This makes me wonder about how you feel about the sun with all its “flare-ups.” I can imagine there is a post in the making….
spilledinkguy
March 8, 2012
This will surly pass.
Who could stay mad at such a large mass-o-cosmic cheese?
Hansi
March 8, 2012
Discovering that the moon was not made of cheese, was a major childhood trauma for me.
Adrienne schmadrienne
March 8, 2012
Paul McCartney can do no wrong. Unless we’re talking about Kisses From the Bottom. Then yea, that’s wrong. The album title alone….
Lunar Euphoria
March 8, 2012
Moonlighting….one of my favorite shows.
Don’t forget about lunatics.
The Good Greatsby
March 9, 2012
Another very suspicious connection.
Bridgesburning Chris King
March 8, 2012
Damn interfering moon..you told him off good..!! or was to the man in the moon that took all the heat??
pegoleg
March 9, 2012
Mere coincidence that loony is an abbreviation of loonar? I think not.
Thanks for waxing philosophical on this important topic.
Rob Rubin
March 9, 2012
Perhaps you should send this to Bill O’ Reilly at Fox News. I hear he has problems understanding the moon’s role on the tides.
mistyslaws
March 9, 2012
And what about The Man in the Moon? Who is this mystery man inside of you, moon? And why are you holding him hostage? Let the poor man out, for pete’s sake. Hasn’t he suffered enough?
Then again, Greatsby . . . if the icebergs never sunk the Titanic, we would never had had the award winning movie, and then James Cameron would never have received all those awards, accolades and billions of dollars from the movie. Why do you hate James Cameron, Greatsby? Why?
The Good Greatsby
March 9, 2012
What’s the relationship between the moon and this man in the moon? What influence does he have over the moon’s activities?
dadssister
March 9, 2012
What about Blue Moon, Moon over Miami, Cow Jumped Over the Moon,Same Moon,Havest Moon (Neil Young), Pink Moon (Nick Drake), Yellow Moon (Neville Brothers, Bark at the Moon (Ozzy) Moon River, Kiko and the Lavender Moon (Los Lobos), Moondance (Van Morrison), Whole of the Moon (The Waterboys) etc. Frankly I have never seen a yellow, lavender or pink moon but they make great lyrics and sell millions of CD’s so they can’t be all wrong. How would Cheesy Moon or Moldy Holy Cheese do in our genre? You got to admit they have something there that makes them very rich and famous. What do I know? I am a little old lady who is very eccentric with a genius for a nephew. Your most favorite aunt.
The Good Greatsby
March 9, 2012
I admit the moon has contributed a significant quantity to the world of music, but I worry its popularity distracts songwriters from writing about non-lunar topics.
Laura
March 9, 2012
You’re forgetting all the good things the Moon has done for us. It’s given us tides, and with them, another reason to laugh at Bill O’Reilly. Without the Moon, the Apollo 11 astronauts would have been stuck in space with nowhere to land. And if we didn’t have the Moon, how would werewolves know when to transform into wolves?
The Good Greatsby
March 9, 2012
I’m really surprised to hear you take the moon’s side. Don’t focus on the bright side–remember the moon has a dark side.
Rich Crete
March 9, 2012
“When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amoure.” No it’s not, it’s assault! See you in court, moon.
The Good Greatsby
March 9, 2012
There’s nothing romantic about getting socked in the eye.
swimminginaseaofcrazy
March 17, 2012
The moon hit me too and then tried to tell me it was just like pizza. Let’s jump the moon in a dark alley somewhere. This abusive jerk needs it!
thesinglecell
March 9, 2012
That moon totally sucks sometimes. The pies it makes? Awful. And it can’t decide what color it’s going to be, or where it’s going to sit in the sky, or how big it’s going to be… it’s totally dusty and boring and only looks interesting from a distance. Plus? Christopher Cross. “If you get lost between the moon and New York City, the best that you can do is fall in love.” What the hell does that even mean? Why are you so obtuse, moon?
The Good Greatsby
March 9, 2012
All great points. Moon pies are overrated. And why is the moon confusing people and making them get lost between it and New York City?
Paige Kellerman
March 9, 2012
“You callously provided the lighting for two of the beatings the Cobra Kai gave Daniel in The Karate Kid.”
I can’t..I just… I’m laughing too hard.
pattisj
March 9, 2012
I always heard it was green cheese. I think I have some of that in the fridge…proof there is life out there.
randomlychad
March 9, 2012
Unfortunately, I can tell you what’s on the dark side of the moon: Nazis. Seriously.
http://www.ironsky.net/ <–Newt wasn't the first to dream of a moon base. No, it was Adolph.
The Good Greatsby
March 10, 2012
That’s probably an association Newt would prefer not to have.
Dana
March 10, 2012
Thank you for fueling the flames of moon-hatred. Let’s torch the sucker!!
girlonthecontrary
March 10, 2012
What? The moon sunk the Titanic??? We could have all been spared that movie… Son of a gun. I would like to join the anti-moon army now, please.
The Good Greatsby
March 10, 2012
Yes, we all could have been spared that terrible movie. That terrible, terrible movie that I haven’t watched again and again and again.
yellowcat
March 10, 2012
If the moon shines on you when you’re sleeping, you’ll go insane.
flippingchannels
March 10, 2012
I can’t help but wonder, after the recent solar storm, if all of this isn’t just a smear campaign created by the sun to distract us from its own dastardly plans…
zannyro
March 12, 2012
You know what’s really scary? I could swear sometimes that It’s following me…….I don’t mean on my blog……..I mean literally following me…I truly believe that the moon is just waiting..lurking…..some nights when I’m walking along,,,just me and my shadow….the moon
disappears and has EATEN my SHADOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to go out and get a new shadow!! Am I next? You know the old children’s song,,”I see the moon and the moon sees me”? I AM FREAKING OUT…….the moon is making me paranoid…forget blaming my mother for all of my problems…I absolutely KNOW it’s the moon……….excuse me while I dig a hole and crawl in. The Man in the Moon can’t find me there……….seriously, my therapist told me so!
Elyse
March 12, 2012
The moon followed me home from kindergarten on my very first day of school. I have never recovered. I have never forgotten. I have never forgiven.
swimminginaseaofcrazy
March 17, 2012
The moon followed me one time as I was leaving my house and I ran to my car! But he was STILL THERE! No matter how fast, no matter where I turned…there he was! Smiling like this was totally normal.
And what’s with the moon trying to hide behind trees like we can’t see it? WE SEE YOU MOON!!!!!!