Another Interview with Apollo Fonzarelli

The last time I interviewed my seven-year-old, Apollo Fonzarelli, was when he was sick in bed and so tired that he couldn’t run away when I annoyed him with my questions. This time I was the immobile one as I lay on the floor with a back injury and made him sit next to me as I asked him more questions.

Dad: Thanks for coming in today. This isn’t easy for me to say, but we’re going to have to let you go.

Fonz: Okay. Dot. Dot. Dot.

Dad: I hate to do this but I’m sure you’ll find other work.

Fonz: What?

Dad: We’re in our eleventh season as a family and I just feel the family chemistry is getting a bit stale and we need to shake things up. We’re going to try somebody else in the position of second oldest son, but we’re willing to try you in a different role.

Fonz: I hope you’re gonna replace me with me. Why don’t you replace Optimist Prime?

Dad: Here are the roles we have available: the third oldest son, or an adorable nephew who comes and lives with us for one season and utters a funny catchphrase, or a pirate.

Fonz: I choose pirate. You know what I’m thinking about? Where am I supposed to get a pirate costume?

Dad: We’ll provide the costume. No health insurance. Limited dental insurance—we’ll only cover permanent teeth. Final offer.

Fonz: Um…okay.

Dad: How was school today? Anything happen with Whatshername?

Fonz: Nothing. Except she changed her ponytail back to regular hair.

Dad: If your dad was a superhero, and you knew his secret identity, would you tell your friends?

Fonz: Only if I had superpowers, too. Either the power to make people fall in love with me if I gave them a sharp look or the power to fly.

Dad: What’s a sharp look?

Fonz: Like this. (His eyes strain like he’s trying to read instructions on a label without his prescription bifocals.) Flex my eyes while flexing my skull at the same time.

Dad: If your friend Harold told you that– 

Fonz: Howard.

Dad: What?

Fonz: His name’s Howard.

Dad: I’m pretty sure his name is Harold, but let’s agree to disagree. If your friend Howard/Harold was bragging that his dad was a superhero, and Whatshername seemed really impressed, would you tell my secret identity in order to impress her?

Fonz: What superpower would you have?

Dad: The power to pick the ripest fruit at the supermarket.

Fonz: Um…

Dad: So you wouldn’t tell my secret identity?

Fonz: Um…

Dad: Can I tell you a secret?

Fonz: What?

Dad: We’re having pizza for dinner.

Fonz: Today?

Dad: Is it okay to steal things?

Fonz: No.

Dad: Everybody knows it’s wrong to steal things that are lame, but is it okay to steal something awesome that you really, really want?

Fonz: I feel like I should say yes to be funny, but the correct answer is no.

Dad: Is it okay to steal a cure for cancer if somebody has a cure hidden in his house and he won’t share it?

Fonz: Probably…if it’s a really fast cure, like it only takes one minute, and you only have less than one day to live…then probably.

Dad: What if the person who wouldn’t share the cure was mom?

Fonz: I would by far steal it.

Dad: If mom and dad were trapped in a hotel and the hotel was on fire, and you only had time to buy one of us a gift at the hotel gift shop, who would it be?

Fonz: You mean the gift of saving you?

Dad: I mean a birthday gift.

Fonz: Whose birthday is it?

Dad: Yours.

Fonz: Why would I get you a gift if it’s my birthday?

Dad: Because you feel guilty for starting the hotel on fire because you played with matches.

Fonz: Why would I need to be getting any of you a gift when I could be using that time to save your life?

Dad: The point I’m trying to make is don’t play with matches.

Fonz: Okay. Okay.

Read the first An Interview with Apollo Fonzarelli

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